Letters from Heaven
by twitina
Summary: Edward and Bella - a perfect couple, a perfect life. And then disaster strikes. Bella has to learn to live without her soulmate. Mysterious letters help her to cope. AU Canon pairings.
1. Chapter 1  An Ongoing Argument

Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Thankfully, she allows us to play with her characters.

Chapter 1 – An On-going Argument

Bella stepped out of the cab and slammed the door behind her as Edward climbed out of the other side.

"I can't believe you did that!" she yelled at him.

"Oh, c'mon. You know I was just kidding, Bella." He was pleading with her.

She turned to scowl at him. "Just kidding? You say something about how I'm the only thing standing in the way of our wedded bliss - to all of our friends at the club - and you call that kidding?"

Edward sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. This was an argument he couldn't win, and he knew it. "I didn't mean to upset you. Honestly. I was just answering Ben's question. Okay?"

She unlocked the front door of the house they shared and stomped through, turning to ask him, "What question this time?"

Her hands were on her hips, and he knew that it didn't matter how he answered. He would most likely end up sleeping on the couch tonight.

"What did he ask you this time?" she growled as he quietly walked past her. "I think I deserve to know. After all, I'm already the butt of their jokes. It'll be worse after your comment. Ugh."

He slipped his jacket off of his arms and opened the coat closet to hang it. Silence was probably his best friend at this point.

"Jess gives me crap every day at school. Angela doesn't say it, but I know she doesn't approve of us living together. I'm already the pariah, you know," she said, standing next to him to grab a hanger. A tear slipped down her cheek, and he wasn't sure if it was prompted by anger or pain.

He felt terrible. She did, too.

His hands were on her arms before she could pull away, and he tugged her closer to his body. "I'm sorry, Bella. I really am. I didn't think before I answered. I don't want to make things any harder than they are for you." He kissed the top of her head as she shrank against his chest.

"Do you hate me for not wanting to get married, Edward?" Her voice was small and unsure.

Edward wrapped his arms around her and rocked with her. "I could never hate you, baby. No matter what."

She sobbed against his chest. "They don't understand. People just don't get why I feel the way I do." And no matter how hard she tried to explain it, she was pretty sure Edward didn't, either.

He pulled her away from his body and took her hand, leading her to the hallway.

"You understand, don't you?" she asked as they moved to their bedroom, praying that he would say he did. "I'm not ready to be married. You know I'm afraid of what happens to people after they have that piece of paper, right?"

They were at the bedroom door before he answered. "I'm trying."

She let go of his hand and walked to the bed, slumping onto the mattress and throwing her arm over her eyes. "I was worried you weren't happy with my timeline. Why didn't you just tell me how you felt instead of embarrassing me in front of our friends?"

He sighed and sat next to her. "Look at me, Bella," he demanded.

Her arm moved slightly, allowing him to see one eye. She waited.

"We really need to talk about a few things. You know I'd like to get married. I don't see the point in waiting. But we are together, one way or the other, right? That won't change." She nodded. "I don't have Angela and Ben's hang-up about sex before marriage, obviously." He waggled his eyebrows at her, and she chuckled a little.

"They are totally doing it," she said, moving her arm away from her face as she laughed. "They just don't want anyone to know."

Edward chuckled and lay down next to her, running his fingers through her hair.

"I know you feel like you should finish your degree before we get married. But I have a great job. I'm going to be a partner in the firm in a couple of years. You could go to school as a married woman as easily as a single woman who lives with her boyfriend."

"But I'm too young. Like my mom was…" she whispered, afraid to say more.

He put a finger to her lips. "Say no more. I get it. I don't necessarily agree with your logic, but I know where it comes from."

"Thank you," she said around his finger.

"Promise me one thing?" he asked, and she nodded.

Edward swallowed hard, almost afraid to say the words he longed to say. "Promise me that once you finish your Master's we will talk about marriage. You'll be twenty-four, not too young anymore."

"Twenty-five would be…" She started to protest. He pushed his finger onto her lip more firmly, silencing her.

"Don't argue, just hear me out. Okay?"

She nodded again.

"Two years, Bella. I'll give you two years to say yes to an engagement. I don't care when the wedding is, it could be five years after that. I just want to know that you'll agree to marry me at some point in our future."

She smiled with tears in her eyes. "Of course. I'll agree to two years, Edward. I don't think it'll take another five after that for a wedding, though."

"Really?" he asked, and his eyes sparkled. She knew this was important to him. More than he was willing to confess to her. But two years wasn't forever. It was the perfect compromise.

Her answering grin was huge. "Really. I can't think of a better plan than that. Thank you for understanding." She rolled to her side and kissed him.

"And kids some day?" he asked, feeling like he was pushing his luck a little but going for broke anyway. After all, he hadn't ended up on the couch.

This time she laughed out loud. "Greedy tonight, aren't you?"

"Well, when I have you in an agreeable mood, I have to take advantage of it." He kissed her neck, and she moaned softly.

"I think you're trying to take advantage of _me_, Mr. Masen," she said as she unbuttoned his shirt.

**A/N**

**Fair warning – after this short introductory chapter, this story gets pretty angsty. It is a roller coaster ride of emotion. I hope you'll stick with me for the ride – trust me to make it worth your while. I'm telling a non-traditional Edward and Bella story.**

**Hang on to your hats.**

**I'll be updating twice a week for at least a couple of weeks. **

**Huge, huge thank you to GinnyW for pre-reading, to Shug and Giselle-lx for their beta services (and Detochkina for stepping in to give me input). My WC ladies are the very best. They have supported me in jumping into this story. **

**And thank you for reading! Let me know what you think as we go along. **


	2. Chapter 2 Till Death

**I feel as though I should lead into this chapter by saying, 'Keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times…'. **

Chapter 2 – Till Death

Bella sat on the front pew in the church that Edward's family had attended for his entire life. _His entire life_, she thought, still unable to grasp the enormity of that statement.

Guilt flooded her body again as she stared at the urn that sat at the front of the church.

There would never be an engagement. No wedding, no children in his future. By making him wait, she had unknowingly stolen them from him.

They had been so close. She was supposed to graduate in nine months. Nine months were all that had separated them from the engagement she had promised.

And now, it would never happen. She had wasted their time together selfishly, and there was nothing she could do to get it back.

A hand on her shoulder made her jump. "Sorry," Elizabeth said. "I didn't mean to startle you."

Bella placed her hand on top of Edward's mother's. "I was just thinking about him." Her voice caught, and fresh tears started to flow.

"He loved you so much," Elizabeth said, patting under her eyes with a handkerchief. "Whenever he spoke of you, he was happy. I'm so glad he had you in his life, Bella."

She tried to remain calm, to allow his mother to think the best of her. But her guilt overwhelmed her.

"I should have said I'd marry him earlier. I should have given him the chance to have the things he wanted. He didn't want to wait. I wouldn't give in." She looked up into the eyes of the woman who would have been her mother-in-law. "I'm so sorry."

Elizabeth came around the end of the pew, sliding in next to Bella. She took both of Bella's hands into her own and looked her in the eye. "Bella, you have nothing to apologize for. Edward knew that you weren't ready for the legalities of marriage, but you were committed to him. Your love made his last months the best of his life. Yes, he wanted more. He was excited to marry you, to have children with you, and to live the rest of his life with you. And he did the last. It just wasn't as long as any of us would have thought."

Bella ached as Elizabeth's face crumpled with the pain of losing her only son, and she fell forward, wrapping her arms around Elizabeth's neck and sobbing with her. "But…"

When she had regained some composure, Elizabeth said, "No 'but's. None of us know what life has in store for us. We can't know the future."

The two women sat, holding each other in silence, as other people started to filter into the church. Edward Sr. entered the room with the priest, shaking hands before sliding into the bench next to Elizabeth. He took Bella's hand and squeezed it gently.

"How are you holding up?" he asked her.

Bella shook her head. "You shouldn't be worried about me."

Edward Sr. leaned forward around his wife and turned Bella's face to his. "We will always worry about you. Edward loved you. You were part of our family." A single tear rolled down his cheek. "You're all we have left of him."

"But I…"

Elizabeth cut her off. "We'll always love you, Bella. We will always consider you our daughter."

And with that, Bella fell apart. Her chest was heaving with the effort of withholding loud sobs and her hands were shaking. Debilitating grief wrenched her heart, making her curl in on her own body in an effort to stop the pain. Elizabeth clutched her hand, trying in vain to comfort her. She was barely aware of Charlie, slinking into the pew just as the service started and placing his hand on her knee. One questioning glance at the hand caused him to quickly withdraw it. She didn't hear the words the priest said, or see the stream of people walking forward to share their remembrances. Her head spun out of control.

All she could feel was the gaping hole in her chest, a sense of loss so deep it pulled her away from reality. For just a while, she allowed herself to fall to pieces.

~X~X~X~X~

Charlie drove Bella home, watching her carefully. He wanted to suggest a sleeping pill, but he didn't think she would appreciate his butting in. Bella was nothing if not independent, and he'd never really known when to step in and when to walk away.

He was at a loss. Words were not his forte. His life was quiet, and he was used to the solitude of his home. Seeing his daughter so broken was beyond his comfort zone.

Bella stared out of the window, at everything and nothing. Numbness was settling into her body, and it was a welcome relief.

The funeral was over. The urn was tucked into the back seat of her father's car, riding back to their home – at least for now. She hadn't been able to part with it, telling the mortician that they would inter Edward's remains at a later date. His parents had understood and agreed that she should take them, along with the beautiful portrait of Edward they had framed for this day.

As they pulled up to their-her- dark house, the emptiness she knew waited for her seemed daunting. A single light shone through the front window. It was the light above the kitchen sink, the one that Edward always left on for her at night when she worked late or went out with her friends. She couldn't remember turning it on, but then again, all of her energy had been necessary to leave the house today and she was amazed she hadn't forgotten other things.

Her father walked her to the door, reluctant to allow her to stay by herself. "Bells, you could stay at my place for a while," he said quietly. "I don't know if you should be alone."

Her head whipped around so that she could look at him. "You don't think I should be alone? Why not, Charlie? I've spent most of my life pretty much alone. I'll be alone from now on. Why shouldn't I start now?"

Remorse hit her as soon as the words left her lips. She knew it wasn't Charlie's fault that her mother had dragged her away from him, and that given a chance, he would have been a larger presence in her life.

Tears filled Charlie's eyes, but he answered her. "You don't have to be alone now."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean it."

"Grab some things and come with me?" he asked hopefully.

She sighed and shook her head. "I can't run away from this, Dad. It's never going to change. He's gone, and I have to get used to it. I may as well start now."

Charlie pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. "I'll be here if you need me. I wasn't always, but I swear I will be now."

Bella bit her bottom lip, unsure of what to say. "I know," she finally managed. She turned and walked into the home. "Good night. I'm sure we'll talk soon."

He reluctantly walked back to his car, watching through the front window as Bella placed the urn on the coffee table in the living room and sat with her head hanging , looking utterly forlorn.

And that was as far as she could carry herself that night. Every room, every corner of the house reminded her of what she had lost. She couldn't stand the thought of sleeping in their bed alone. There was nothing that could lure her into the kitchen where they had stood, side by side, preparing their meals. Even the bathroom held images of him, fresh from the shower with a towel wrapped low on his hips.

She stroked the side of the urn and talked to him. "I miss you. I wish that I had trusted you enough to grant you the one thing you asked of me. I'm so sorry, Edward."

The tears came fast and hard as she slumped further into the cushions of the couch. Her arms wrapped around one of the throw pillows, clinging to it as if her life depended on it. "I can't go on. I don't know how. Help me, please." She looked toward Heaven, praying that there was comfort available to her.

She couldn't acknowledge the phone as it rang, the soft knocks on her door, or the growling in her stomach. Those things were inconsequential. Unimportant. After.

As much as she wanted to slip into the ease of blackest sleep as she lay on the couch, her mind wouldn't allow it, returning again and again to the night that the officers had knocked on her door. The night that her world had shifted on its axis.

The night just over one week ago.

It had been a night like any other when Edward traveled. She cooked her dinner and sat down in front of her laptop, ready to write another paper for school. The lit review was complicated and frustrating, and she didn't know if she could pull enough of it together to have a cohesive document when she was finished. This topic was challenging her.

It didn't make sense to her that a person who was going to draw building plans would have to write papers. Lines and angles and weight bearing walls made sense, writing about them did not. Her mind was fixed on her goal of writing at least two pages, when she heard a car door shut. Then another.

She ignored the voices outside of her home, instead focusing on the stack of post-it laden articles she had sitting around her computer. The yellow highlighter she placed next to her laptop rolled off the table as she reached absently for the pencil that was stuck in her bun. The doorbell finally interrupted her work.

"Who is it?" she called as she stood up, moving slowly toward the door.

"Washington State troopers, ma'am. Officer Stevens and Officer Whitaker. Can we talk to you for a moment?"

Her heart started racing and her mouth went dry as she threw open the door.

"Is Charlie…" she started to ask just as the older officer said, "Miss Swan?"

"I'm Bella Swan," she answered, swallowing back the bile that was ascending even now.

"May we come in and talk to you for a moment?" he continued.

She looked at their badges as they extended them and moved to the side so that they could walk into her home. They waited for her to approach the couch and sit before they took seats facing her.

"You are the emergency contact for Edward Masen, correct?"

Edward? Her head started to swim, and she struggled to answer. "Yes."

"There's been an incident…"

"Is he okay?" she interrupted.

The officers looked at each other before the younger one spoke. "I'm sorry to inform you that he was killed in a fire earlier today in Spokane."

A fire? Spokane…yes, he was supposed to be in Spokane working on the Leitner fraud case today. But a fire…and wait…

"He's dead?" she asked in a whisper.

"Yes, ma'am. He was at Mr. Leitner's storage warehouse, apparently looking for some records they had stored there. The secretary at Leitner's office said she had given him the key and an idea of where he needed to look." His eyes were full of pity when he looked at her. "There was nothing anyone could do. The fire was too hot, and there was an explosion. They couldn't get to him in time."

"Are they sure?" She was grasping at straws.

The older officer took over. "His rental car was in the parking lot. A witness saw a man who fit his description walk through the door moments before the explosion. Nobody else was working in the building."

"But…"

"His remains will be released to you when the arson investigator allows it."

Her breathing was too fast. Her heart racing in her chest.

"Remains?" she asked, barely aware that the word had crossed her lips. "Arson?"

"Are you okay, Ms. Swan?" a voice asked.

She tried to shake her head, but her body didn't respond as she slipped into darkness that wouldn't release her.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Her swollen eyes finally opened to the sunshine coming through the curtains. The last time she had looked at the clock it was nearly five in the morning. Somehow, sleep had descended on her weary body, and for that she was grateful.

Where was she again? The familiar pillow in her hands gave her the answer. The couch. The living room. Hell on earth.

Her bladder was screaming and her neck hurt from the awkward angle she had slept in. Her eyes felt puffy and her cheeks raw. Every part of her ached, but none of the pains could compare to the gaping chasm that was ripping her chest apart.

"Edward," she rasped. "I can't do this."

It took her an hour to pull her body up from the sofa, and when she finally started to move through their-her-home, she saw Edward everywhere.

He was there, in the foyer, holding out his arms for her, ready to celebrate like they had on the day that they had moved in. His voice rang out, "It's ours Bella!"

She jumped into his arms and they spun. "We have our own home," he gushed. "Yours and mine."

They kissed, and he smirked at her. "What?" she asked.

"I think we need to claim this place as our own." He cocked an eyebrow.

She scowled for a moment, trying to seem stern, but quickly broke into a wide grin. "Where would you like to start?"

A shudder ran through her as she remembered the rest of that day and the days that followed. There wasn't a part of the house that they had missed in their effort to make it their own, and she fled from the memory, rushing down the hallway to the bathroom.

Rushing into the bathroom, she flipped on the light and looked briefly in the mirror at her ruined makeup and matted hair. There were deep dark circles under her eyes and her color was pasty. She could see the hollowness in her cheeks, indicating her weight loss. Food had been unappealing to her for the last week. The worst part of seeing herself was the empty eyes that looked back at her - no twinkle, no spark. Grief like this was life altering, she knew. She just never thought it would be her life that was altered.

She splashed water on her face and considered stepping into the shower. But that would take too much energy.

When she looked back at her reflection as she dried her face with a towel, she saw the flash of light from the necklace she wore. Her fingers automatically moved toward the gold locket. He'd given it to her two weeks ago.

Edward had placed the chain around her neck as she stood in front of this mirror preparing to go out. His long fingers fastened the clasp as he whispered in her ear, "Happy Birthday, Bella."

"You know I don't like gifts," she said, but her fingers had immediately fumbled with the lock, trying to see what he had put inside.

His arms wrapped around her and he reached for the necklace, helping her to open it. The picture was one that had been taken at his parents' anniversary party. It was her favorite picture of Edward. His green eyes were alive and his smile was stunning. She didn't even look at herself.

"Oh, Edward, I love it." She turned in his arms and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him. "Thank you."

"I thought you might like it a little." He rubbed his nose against hers. "Someday you'll get used to the idea of accepting gifts from me."

She laughed. "Maybe."

"Well, this is good practice. I'll be giving you a very important gift in about ten months."

Bella rolled her eyes. "You are so insistent about that."

Edward kissed her softly. "I'm holding you to your promise."

"I know."

"I love you, Bella. I want you to be mine forever. Is that a bad thing?"

She shook her head. "No, it's not. But you already have me for forever. It doesn't take a ring to make that happen."

"Humor me," he whispered in her ear.

"I promised, and I meant it," she said back and he kissed her harder, releasing her after a minute. "We're going to be late. Everyone will be waiting at the restaurant for us."

Bella smiled at the memory. He had planned a party with their friends and family. She was now twenty-four, and that was a big deal to Edward. Nobody else understood why he'd gone to such great measures to celebrate that particular birthday, but she had known.

They would be engaged while she was twenty-four.

A sharp pain hit her chest as she held the locket in her fingers. That was never going to happen now.

She yanked the door open and escaped the room and the memory, fleeing to her bedroom. One look into the room and she knew she didn't want to be there. She grabbed a dark blue dress shirt that Edward had left on the arm of the chair in their room and moved back into the living room, stripping down from the dress she had worn to the funeral and wrapping herself in his shirt.

It still smelled like him.

Bella fell to the couch, curling her legs under her body and twisting her fingers in the shirt, keeping it closed. Her head fell back against the cushion, and she cried herself back to sleep.

X~X~X~X~X~

"Bella? Bella, are you okay? Wake up." She could hear the voice and feel her body being shaken, but she was weak and it was difficult to open her eyes.

"I think we should call Charlie."

"Is she okay?"

"Maybe we should call her doctor…or an ambulance. She's scaring me, Mike."

Mike? Was that Jess, too?

Bella was groggy, but the word ambulance was fueling her desire to wake up and be alert.

"No," she whispered.

"Bella, what did you say?" Jess was right next to her ear. "Can you tell me if you're okay?"

"Aym fine," she slurred. "Don't call anyone." She was becoming more lucid.

She opened her eyes and struggled to sit up. Mike reached over Jess and helped her. He was looking at her face as she tried to focus.

"When was the last time you ate or drank anything, Bella?" His voice was serious.

Bella shrugged, and he gave her a stern look, prompting her to say, "I don't remember."

Mike stood up and walked away from the couch, returning a moment later with a bottle of water. He twisted the cap off and put it in her hands. "Drink."

She sipped a few times, realizing how dry her mouth had been. When she had gathered her wits, she asked, "Why are you here?"

Jessica looked at Mike, and he nodded.

"You haven't answered your phone or your door for two days, Bella. We were worried." Bella felt her eyes on her. "With good reason, apparently."

"We need to get you moving," Mike said. "Jess, you help her shower. I'll get some clothes for her. We're taking you to get something to eat."

She tried to protest but was too tired to argue. "Fine," she finally said.

Her friends helped her up, walking her into the bathroom. Jess stayed with her, helping her to undress and shower. She gently brushed through her long hair and helped her dress in the clothes that Mike had handed through the door.

Bella could feel the glances Jess kept sneaking at her. Her friend looked concerned and scared. "What?" she asked after it became too much.

"I'm worried about you."

"I'll be fine, Jess. I just need some time, that's all."

Jessica wrapped her arms around Bella and held her tight. "We'll be here for you, Bella. Just say the word and we'll be right here."

"Thanks," Bella whispered, knowing that she'd probably never take her friend up on the offer. But she knew she had to function. She couldn't have people finding her like this. They wouldn't allow her to stay in her home without a babysitter. They would surround her, and she couldn't take that right now.

She followed Mike and Jessica to their car, determined to eat and to socialize.

**A/N**

**I know, I know…Edward…oy. Trust me to show you their love story, please. (Think Twilight with a dash of PS I Love You or vice versa.)**

**Again, huge thanks to GinnyW for pre-reading and giving me insight, and to Shug and giselle for their fantastic beta services.**

**Thank you all for reading. Toss me a review and let me know how pissed/sad/devastated/whatever you are. I've got my big girl panties on in preparation. ;)**


	3. Chapter 3  A Letter Arrives

**Same disclaimer, different day. **

Chapter 3 – A Letter Arrives

Bella flipped the switch as she stepped through her front door, forgetting that the Christmas tree lights were plugged into the outlet instead of her lamp. She held her breath for a moment when the twinkling blue lights came on. They were the new LCD lights that Edward had bought at an after Christmas sale last year. He had been determined to add to their meager collection of decorations, and had discovered that all of them were on clearance. He'd been like a little kid, excited about everything he brought home. The ornaments that hung from this tree should have been put up by him. But they hadn't been.

Mike and Jessica had brought the tree, hauling it into the house one day and demanding to know where the boxes of Christmas decorations were stored. Jess had practically forced Bella to hang the ornaments. She complied with her friend's demands, anxious for everyone to think she was healing. They could never know how many nights she went without sleep as she ached for Edward, how many meals she missed, and how much weight she had lost. There was no way she wanted to be under the microscope with all of her friends – her dad was bad enough.

She knew she had to leave the lights on no matter how badly she wanted to flip the switch off again. Jess would be stopping by, and if they were off, she'd ask questions.

But the brightness of the tiny lights was too much for her. Bella couldn't stay in the room with the tree and its sparkling orbs. She walked into the kitchen, placing her backpack on the table. School was finished for the semester. She didn't know what to do with her time.

Sighing, she forced herself to pull a frozen dinner out of the freezer and shoved it into the microwave. If she took a few bites, maybe Jess would allow her to forgo having dinner with them tonight. She'd been avoiding all social outings, and Mike had taken to calling her 'Hermit Lady' whenever he saw her.

Bella felt that trips to the grocery store counted as being sociable, and hadn't gone to many other places since Edward's funeral. Her father begged her to come to Forks and visit, but she had made excuse after excuse. Edward's parents had invited her to Thanksgiving dinner and she had politely declined, telling them she had other plans. Every time Mike and Jessica or Angela and Ben had gone to a club, they had invited her, and she'd told them she wasn't ready. They were all getting impatient with her.

But the only place she wanted to be was at home, with him. She had begun talking to the urn as if she were talking to Edward – a fact that would probably garner some very strange looks, if not doubts about her sanity, so she kept it to herself. At home, she could smell his scent on the clothes from his overnight bag that had been returned to her by the police. His body wash was still in the shower, and she inhaled the scent greedily every day. She refused to wash the pillow case on his side of the bed. She couldn't sleep unless she wore one of his shirts every night. It felt impossible to let go, to move forward with her life.

Her friends were getting pushy, though. They didn't understand what held her back, and there was no way she could explain it.

She couldn't let him go because she didn't feel as if he were really gone.

His presence was still in their home. His scent still lingered in the house, although it was different in some way. She continued to get his mail: his bills, his magazines, his law journals. It was as if the world wouldn't accept that he was gone, and neither could she.

The microwave pinged, and she pulled the food out, placing it on the table. She would try to eat it, but she knew it would most likely end up going down the disposal. As she sat at the table, moving the food around with her fork, she looked at the kitchen sink and remembered him again.

He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, kissing the side of her neck. "You shouldn't be doing the dishes. You cooked. It's my turn to clean."

She put her head back against his shoulder. "Let's do them together."

He agreed and placed the dishes she had rinsed into the dishwasher as they talked about their day. He was starting to work on a big case and it was going to require some travel across the state. His client had small offices in Port Angeles, Olympia and Spokane. Their records were scattered all over the place, with no rhyme or reason. Edward was going to have to do hours of footwork to bring together the documents he needed.

But, if he did well, this could be the case that would propel him to partner.

"You'll find the records, Edward," she said as she dried her hands.

"I know," he gritted his teeth. "But it's going to mean leaving you here alone for days at a time. I'm going to have to spend time with his people in each office."

She pulled his face to her own. "I get that. But this is so important to you. They are giving you a great opportunity with this case. Jay is trusting you."

"I really want to pull this off. You know, you could end up engaged to a partner in a law firm." He grinned.

She smirked at him. "Oh, really? Do I know him?" As hard as she tried to keep a straight face, it was impossible. Soon Edward's fingers were tickling her sides, and she was laughing as he pulled her into the living room.

The sound of the doorbell pulled her out of the memory. Jess's voice carried to her. "Bella, you here?"

She really shouldn't have given her friend a key to her home, she thought as she rolled her eyes.

"I'm in the kitchen, eating dinner," she called out.

Jess poked her head around the corner and chastised her. "I told you we'd make dinner for you. You really didn't need to eat here."

Bella knew it wouldn't be easy to shake off her friends tonight and spend time alone. "Sorry. I forgot." She smiled sweetly at Jess, who scowled back at her.

Mike walked into the kitchen and dropped a pile of mail onto the table. "Don't you ever pick up your mail, Hermit Lady?"

She shrugged and started to go through the letters. Most of them were advertisements for last minute shoppers. As she moved a particularly large flier, a letter slipped out of the pile. There was no return address, no stamp, and the front of the envelope simply said 'Bella'. Her heart raced. The handwriting looked familiar…but not completely. It couldn't be his.

Jess caught sight of it and jumped on it. "Oh, look at this! Maybe one of your neighbors left you a Christmas card."

Her finger was under the flap ready to rip the envelope when Bella grabbed it from her.

"I'll take that," she said, placing it under the rest of the pile.

Jessica frowned. "That's not fair."

"How is that unfair, Jess? It's my letter. I'll open it when I feel like it." She continued to thumb through the items Mike had brought in, opening anything that looked important, sorting it into piles of bills and other correspondence, and setting aside the junk mail for a trip to the recycle bin.

Jess walked into the kitchen and returned with a bottle of water. She plopped down in the chair opposite Bella, huffing loudly. "Well, I'm not leaving until we know what that is."

Bella sighed and pulled the letter out and examined both sides of the envelope carefully. She slid her finger under the flap and tore the top very slowly, taking the time to gather her courage as she went. After looking at Mike and then Jessica, she reached into the envelope and, with shaking fingers, took out the single sheet of paper and unfolded it. She focused completely on the paper in her hands.

Her breath caught again as she looked at the handwriting. It was small and concise, like Edward's had been, but cleaner, sharper. The words didn't make her feel any less confused.

_My Bella,_

_You have been keeping yourself cooped up. It's not good for you. You should be out, singing carols and eating dinner with friends. _

_Do something for yourself – something that will make you smile again. Go to the place where everything began. Laugh. Remember._

_Take care of yourself. _

_Never forget that you are loved._

Bella couldn't see anything through the tears that streamed down her face.

"Did you do this, Mike?" she finally asked.

Mike's hand rested on her shoulder. "No, Bella. I have no idea where it came from. Honestly. I didn't even see it there until Jess grabbed it."

Jessica took Bella's hands in hers. "I'm sorry, honey. Someone must have a really warped sense of humor."

"But it looks like his handwriting." She looked to Jessica for support, hiccupping with sobs. Jessica's eyes teared up and she shrugged, unable to understand this herself. There was no way she could explain it to Bella. Jess moved forward in her chair and wrapped her arms around Bella, patting her on the back and rocking with her.

"Maybe it was his dad," Mike offered uncomfortably. "Or his mom. It has to be someone close to you both."

Bella pulled herself out of Jessica's arms and nodded at Mike, still unable to speak.

After a couple of minutes, Jessica couldn't take the silence or the curiosity that was building in her. "Bella, what does that mean, the place where it all began?"

Bella sniffled and then chuckled a little.

"Let's go for a ride. I'll tell you all about it." She didn't know who had sent the letter, but she loved the idea of reliving a happy memory of Edward.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Mike was surprised when Bella led them to the Montlake Playground. It had snowed earlier in the day, just enough to have a little on the ground. It wouldn't stay long, but it was cold and wet for the time being.

"It was a day just like this," Bella said. "There was just enough snow to start a snowball fight and some of the guys in the class I was in said we should take advantage of it. We headed over here after class."

"But you hate snow, Bella." Mike was laughing. She shrugged and looked out of the window.

Bella got out of the car and walked into the park, heading toward the soccer field. Although it was dark out, she could see that day in her mind, the bright sun overhead reflecting on the snow.

Chase and Jackson were stockpiling snowballs and she was afraid to come out of the hiding place she had found behind a tree. "I surrender," she yelled for the fourth time.

"Doesn't work that way, Bella," Chase yelled back.

"Please?" she asked.

Angela texted her, asking why she wasn't at the apartment.

_**I'm stuck in a snowball fight. I can't get away.**_

She was sure that Angela was laughing when she received her reply.

_**Just run, silly girl! **_

Bella answered back.

_**They show no mercy.**_

Angela's response was a simple _**LOL**_.

Bella was truly on her own. When she agreed to this snowball fight, she had no idea it was them against her, and she had a feeling that these guys could keep up a snowball fight for hours.

She took a deep breath and decided to run, scoping out trees along the path back to her car.

"Here goes nothing," she said as she stepped out from behind the tree and ran, turning back to look at her attackers after a snowball whizzed past her head. She wasn't watching where she was going, and she didn't realize that anyone was in her path.

That was until she felt herself slamming into something solid. Something that started to laugh as he went down with Bella falling on top of him.

"Unff," she grunted as she landed. Mortification set in immediately. "I'm so sorry," she said as she looked up to see the face of the man she had run into. "I was just…"

Her words cut off and she was suddenly breathless. The soft chuckle continued as she stared into the greenest eyes she had ever seen. She was stunned by them. And when she looked further, taking in the face of the man she had toppled, she felt a flutter in her stomach. He was beautiful.

"Pretend to be injured," the man whispered. "Maybe they'll let you go unharmed."

Her cheeks were flaming, and her tongue was so twisted that she couldn't seem to speak.

She felt a hand on her arm, lifting her. "Bella, are you okay?" Chase asked as he pulled her off of the stranger.

Nodding, she turned to offer a hand to the man on the ground, but Jackson was already there, helping him up.

"Sorry, man. Little Bella is tougher than she looks."

When the stranger finally spoke, she was stunned by his pleasant voice. "I saw her coming, but I couldn't move fast enough." He leaned over and picked up his cell phone, checking to see if the call he'd been on was still connected and wiping it on his coat to remove the snow. He pocketed the phone with a shrug.

Bella finally found her voice again as the three men were asking her if she was hurt. "I'm fine." She looked at the man and apologized again. "I'm so sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I…"

He stopped her by extending his hand. "Edward Masen. Happy to make your acquaintance."

She smiled through her blush. "Bella Swan," she said as she took his gloved hand.

Chase and Jackson introduced themselves and then made excuses to head back to the campus.

"Looks like the snowball fight is over," Edward said. "Can I walk you to your car? I'd like to make sure you get there safely."

He laughed again and her cheeks got hot.

"I'm fine, really," she said as she turned to walk away.

She could hear the footsteps behind her. Edward was following her and she was just a little irritated. When she was ready to turn around and tell him to leave, his phone rang.

"Sorry," he said, "I didn't mean to disconnect you, but I was just bowled over in the park by a beautiful woman. Literally." His laugh was deep and inviting.

She stopped and turned around, not sure if she wanted to chastise him or ask him to take her to dinner. He had just told someone she was beautiful and that earned him a few brownie points in her book.

"I'll call you back in a few," Edward said to the caller and hit the end button.

"Why are you following me?" Bella asked.

"I'm not following you. I'm going to my car."

"Oh." She was surprisingly disappointed.

"But, I'd be happy to walk with you," Edward said.

Bella shrugged, and he quickened his pace so that he was walking by her side.

"That was some snowball fight," he said. "I think you were in over your head."

She couldn't help laughing. "I had no idea they would be that serious about it."

"Well, you're soaking wet. I think you need something to warm you up a little." She turned to look at him, wondering what he was saying.

"Would you care to get some coffee with me?" he asked.

She thought about it for a minute. "I'd prefer hot chocolate."

Edward laughed again. "Starbucks?"

Nodding, she said, "I'll follow you."

She couldn't believe she was meeting a stranger for hot chocolate. Charlie would ground her for a month – even as a college student - if he knew that she was going anywhere with someone she had just met.

While she drove, she called Angela. "I won't be there for a while. I'm going for hot chocolate." She explained the situation, and Ang laughed.

"Is he really worth it, Bella? Your dad will kill you if he finds out."

Visions of Charlie barring her apartment windows and telling her she was grounded made her giggle, but then she remembered Edward's green eyes and his soft voice and she felt more confident in her decision to meet him. He had been so nice to her even though she'd taken him down in the park. There was just something compelling about him. She sighed.

"Yeah," she said, smiling widely. "I think he might be."

When she pulled into a small parking lot so that she could walk to Starbucks, her heart was racing. "What am I doing?" she mumbled to herself.

And then she saw him, standing by the door, waiting. All of her doubts disappeared.

She made good on the hot chocolate, and he ordered a triple-shot Americano. They sat at a small table in the corner, nursing their drinks, talking about everything and nothing. Edward was an attorney in his third year out of law school, which explained the espresso addiction. He worked for a local firm and had grand aspirations.

When she happened to glance at her watch, she realized that they had been there for more than three hours.

"Oh my God," she said. "I should have been home a while ago. My roommate is going to freak out."

"Can I see you again, Bella?" Edward asked, reaching across the table to touch her hand.

When their hands connected, she felt a burst of energy tingling through her skin.

"Um…sure." She was too stunned to form a more coherent response. Edward didn't move, just sat staring at their hands. He must have felt it, too.

He finally looked up and spoke. "Will you put your number in my phone?"

Bella asked, "Why don't you tell me your number and I'll call you right now?"

He rattled off the numbers and she called, rising as she told him goodbye.

"I'll see you later."

"Yes, you will," he said as she walked away.

She wasn't really surprised when he called an hour later using the excuse of making sure she had made it home safely. She retreated to her bedroom so that Angela couldn't listen in and they talked until early the next morning.

"Bella?" she felt the hand on her shoulder and realized Mike was talking to her. "Are you okay?"

She smiled at him with tears on her face. "Better than I've been in a while. I miss him. But being here, seeing the place where we met, it makes me feel good in a way."

"Do you want to tell us about it?" Jessica asked.

"I will, if you take me to Starbucks for a hot chocolate."

~X~X~X~X~X~

"So, let me get this straight," Mike said. "You met Edward when you ran him down in the park during a snowball fight?"

Bella nodded.

"And he asked you to come here with him that day?"

"Yep," she said.

"And you, the daughter of the Chief of Police in Forks, met a strange man in a coffee shop?"

"I did."

Mike held his hand out for a fist bump. "I didn't know you had it in you, Bells."

She knocked knuckles with him and laughed. It felt good to tell her friends about the way she had met Edward. Angela knew, but Jessica had been in another state going to school at the time, and so had never heard the whole story. Whoever had sent the letter, no matter how strange it seemed, had helped her to remember one of the best memories she had, and she was grateful.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella walked through the door of her home and turned to wave goodbye to her friends. She flipped the switch for the Christmas tree lights and kicked her shoes off, grabbing the blanket off of the back of her chair as she headed to the sofa.

She reached out and stroked the side of the urn. "It was good for me to go back there, Edward. I don't know who sent the letter, but I feel like you are directing them to help me. Thank you." She talked about the day they met, how she thought he might be her 'one' after their trip to Starbucks. She laughed about the stories he had told her that night on the phone. She told him that Angela had thought she was crazy until she finally met Edward, and then she agreed that he was perfect for her.

"I don't know why I was so hesitant, Edward. Why couldn't I just give you what you wanted while I still could?" And then the tears came. Some of them were happy, some sad. "If I had only known that we didn't have long…"

She laid down on the couch, pulling the blanket tightly around her.

"I wish I could do it all over. Maybe things would have been different."

She fell asleep there that night, her hand reaching across the gap between the couch and the coffee table where the urn sat.

**A/N**

**Once again, I am eternally grateful to GinnyW for prereading and to Shug and Giselle-lx for their amazing beta skills. **

**Thanks to all of you who have reviewed, favorite, or alerted for this story. Makes me smile.**

**I'm posting a few photos, etc. for this story on my tumblr acct - http:/thetinkk(dot)tumblr(dot)com/ Feel free to visit and play along.**


	4. Chapter 4  Pho

Chapter 4 – Pho

Bella made it through the holidays in fairly good shape. Her trip down memory lane had helped her in the days leading up to Christmas, but the holiday itself was the worst day she had had in a long time. She tried to spend time with her dad, but it was all she could do to stay in his house. He watched her like he was afraid she was going to break. If she sighed, he flinched. If she didn't answer a question quickly enough, he asked if she was okay. If she was silent for too long, he started a forced conversation. It was nothing like Charlie's normal behavior. After enduring it throughout Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, it became overwhelming, and she couldn't take it anymore. She made her excuses and headed back home early, only to find a note on her front door.

**Bella,**

** Call us when you get home. We'd love to see you today.**

** Please.**

** Elizabeth**

She felt guilty that she hadn't spent any time with Edward's parents, even though they had tried repeatedly to arrange to see her.

Sighing, she rushed into her house, grabbed a package from under the tree, and returned to her car, dialing Elizabeth's number as she walked.

"Bella?"

"Hi Elizabeth," she said through clenched teeth. It took a great deal of effort to keep her voice from cracking.

"It's so good to hear your voice." Elizabeth was genuine and Bella knew that she meant it. "Where are you, honey?"

Bella told her she had just returned from Forks.

"Do you think you could stop by for a little while? Ed and I have a gift for you."

She was prepared to go, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to accept a gift. "You didn't have to do that."

"Oh, I know, Bella. We just…" Elizabeth hesitated for a moment. "You're our only family now."

Bella heard the sniffle and felt terrible that she hadn't tried to see them earlier.

"I'm on my way," she said.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Edward Sr. met her at the door, opening his arms for her. She stepped into them, and they reminded her of another set of arms. She swallowed hard, trying not to cry.

"We've missed you," he said softly.

"I'm sorry. I just…"

"I understand, Bella.."

"Thank you," she said as Elizabeth came around the corner and embraced them both at the same time.

She followed them into their family room and Elizabeth offered her a drink. Bella felt comfortable with them, but this house held too many memories of Edward, too much of his presence lingered here. It was hard to believe he wouldn't appear at some point. She shivered as she looked out of the large glass windows that overlooked their back yard and the forest beyond, thinking of the walks they had taken in the woods.

Elizabeth made small talk, asking her about how things had been. Finally, Ed reached under the tree and pulled out a large package.

"We got this for you, Bella. Merry Christmas." She took it from him and handed him a small package that contained a card and a framed picture she had taken of Edward over the summer.

"I thought you might like that picture," she said as Elizabeth opened the gift Ed had handed off to her.

Ed signaled to Bella that she should open her present. She tore the wrapping slowly, wishing she didn't have to. When she realized what the package contained, she protested. "Really, this is too much."

"Edward told us that you wanted the KitchenAid Artisan at your birthday party. He was planning on getting you one for Christmas, so we thought…" Elizabeth trailed off, her eyes filling with tears.

Bella couldn't speak, so she nodded as she regained her composure.

When she could talk again, she said, "Thank you," and stood to embrace them both.

They talked for a while longer, until Elizabeth suggested that she should stay for supper. She was squirming, trying to think of a way to escape and get home when she got a text from Angela.

**Where are you? Are you okay? I thought you were coming here for dinner.**

She explained that she should call her friend and let her know that she was safe.

"We don't want to monopolize your time, sweetheart." Elizabeth was giving her permission to leave and she was relieved. She loved them, but looking at them only made her think of Edward more.

They talked for a few more minutes as she walked to the front door.

"Bella?" Elizabeth sounded nervous.

"Yes?"

"Do you think we could meet for lunch in the next few weeks? I'd like to keep in touch."

Her eyes were pleading with Bella, and as much as it hurt to see Edward's parents, she knew that they were hurting, too.

"Of course. I'll call you soon."

"Thank you, Bella."

Ed kissed her cheek and Elizabeth hugged her before showing her to the door. As she walked to her car, she reached into her bag and grabbed her phone, sending a text to Angela.

**The Masens want me to stay for dinner.**

It wasn't a lie. She just failed to tell her friend that she wasn't staying to eat with them.

She had no desire to be with anyone – friend or family. Instead, she walked into her house, kicked her shoes off and grabbed a blanket. She sat on the floor next to the dark Christmas tree, reaching up to stroke the urn on the table.

"Do you remember last Christmas, Edward?" she asked. "Making love under the tree was my favorite part of the holiday. "

She wrapped the blanket tightly around her shoulders, thinking of his smile as he hovered over her and the words he had said, "This is how we'll spend Christmas night for the rest of our lives."

And now, alone in her house, those words tore at her soul. Tears were not adequate to express her grief. Her ragged sobs filled the room as she curled in on herself and gave herself completely to the mourning.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella still hadn't called Elizabeth nearly a month later. She couldn't bring herself to do it. In fact, she realized she had fallen back into the pattern she had lived during the first three months after he was gone. None of her friends had seen her, her family didn't hear from her, and she stayed at home when she wasn't in class unless she had an errand she couldn't avoid.

January was wrapping up and she felt like she was waiting for something, but she couldn't figure out what it was. She got her answer when she picked up her mail one day after school.

There was another letter.

She tossed the rest of the mail aside as she tore into the envelope that was simply addressed 'Bella', and pulled out the single sheet with handwriting that reminded her of Edward's.

_**My Bella,**_

_** You are closing yourself off from the world again. You need to go on living.**_

_** There is someone who would love to have lunch with you. Call her.**_

_** Take her to the place where you finally realized. Enjoy her company. Remember.**_

_** Never forget that you are loved.**_

Bella was shocked. The letter couldn't really be from Edward. It wasn't possible. He was dead. She had the urn that contained his remains. It was sitting in her living room. Her heart sped up and her breathing got heavier as she thought about the letter.

Who would know about his mother wanting to go to lunch with her? His father? They did have similar handwriting… But, to her knowledge, neither of his parents knew about the restaurant the letter was talking about. She shook her head in frustration and crumpled the letter, throwing it on the table. A bubble of anger burst in her chest.

"I can't do this!" she yelled.

She stomped through the house, huffing in anger. Her feet pounded on the hard wood of the hallway and her fist found the wall. She screamed in pain as the flesh over one knuckle popped open.

"Why Edward? Tell me why, God! It's not fair!" She was screaming now, raging as she slapped the wall in front of her, leaving bloody handprints. "I want him back. I want the life he asked for. He wanted to marry me…"

Losing the steam of her anger, she slid down the wall in the hallway, her face in her hands. Tears flowed again – they would never stop, it seemed.

"Why did he leave me?" she whispered hopelessly as she curled into a ball on the floor.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella was between classes the next day when she decided to place a call to Elizabeth. The letter was in her backpack, haunting her.

"Bella." Elizabeth was thrilled.

"Elizabeth, have you ever eaten Pho?"

Edward's mother paused for a moment. "What is that?"

Bella laughed. "Let me show you tomorrow."

Elizabeth agreed quickly and made a little small talk before Bella gave her the address of the restaurant where she and Edward had become regulars.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Pho Cyclo was already busy, even though Bella had arrived early. She was watching for Elizabeth from the table in the corner. Tram, her favorite waitress, had ushered her there as soon as she walked in the door.

"Bella, we have not seen you in a while. Where is Edward?"

She choked. "He's not here."

Maybe coming here was a mistake. This place was full of memories, and she could feel her heart start to ache.

She looked down at the table and remembered his hand reaching across it to take hers. They had been here several times before the night mentioned in the letter.

It was quickly becoming her favorite place. Watching Edward eat with chopsticks was amusing, and it didn't hurt that the food was incredibly good.

Instead of his usual struggle with chopsticks, though, Edward waited until the waitress walked away from the table before triumphantly pulling a fork out of his pocket, wrapped in a Ziploc bag.

Bella laughed at him. "What are you doing?"

"Eating." He looked smug.

"With a fork? Cheater."

Edward's laughter rang out through the restaurant. He always seemed to enjoy their time together, smiling constantly. She still couldn't get over the fact that he wanted to be with her. He rolled some noodles onto his fork and reached across the table to feed them to her.

"See, I can feed you this way, too." Her heart raced, there was something sensual about the way he leaned across the table to put the food into her mouth.

She returned the favor, using her chopsticks to grab some noodles to feed him. He licked his lips, and she felt faint. She suddenly wanted to be closer to him.

Edward seemed to sense what she was thinking. He stood up and moved to her side of the table as she moved into the other chair. "Bella…" he started.

Bella was lost in his green eyes. "Hm…" she answered.

"Would you run away if I told you that I want to be like this more often?" She shook her head.

"How about if I told you that I don't want to date anyone but you? That I don't want you to date anyone but me?"

"I'd stay," she whispered.

"Bella," he said softly, moving closer to her. "Would you stay if I told you that I love you?"

She didn't move, unsure if she had heard him correctly.

"You…what?" she muttered.

"I love you, Bella Swan," he said loudly.

"You do?"

Edward pulled her face to his, kissing her. "I do."

She heard the people around them commenting on what a cute couple they were. Her head was swimming.

"Edward?" she whispered.

"Yes, Bella?"

She was quiet for a long time. "I think…"

"What do you think, baby?" He was teasing her.

"I think that I love you, too."

She knew that he understood what a big step it was for her to say it. She'd been completely honest with him about her family and her fears.

"What? I couldn't hear you." His eyes were huge and full of excitement.

She yelled so that everyone in the restaurant could hear her. "I love you, too, Edward Masen."

Edward stood up and pumped his fist in the air. "Yes!" he yelled.

Everyone cheered and Bella blushed, dropping her head into her hands.

Two glasses plunked down on the table, jerking her back to the present. "Who is eating with you today, Bella?" Tram asked.

Bella smiled, still warmed from the memory of the night they had declared their love. She hesitated before answering. "Elizabeth Masen. Edward's mother."

Her favorite waitress smiled broadly. "I see."

"No. You don't…"

Tram cut her off. "You don't have to explain to me. I understand. I'll let you talk." She patted Bella's hand and walked back to the kitchen.

Elizabeth entered the restaurant a minute later, looking slightly flustered.

"Oh, Bella," she said when she spotted her sitting at the table. "I didn't know if I was in the right place."

Bella stood to embrace her. "I'm so glad you could join me." She paused for a few seconds before she went on. "This was one of our favorite restaurants."

"Are you sure you're okay to be here with me?" Elizabeth asked.

"Positive. In fact, I was just thinking of one of my favorite memories of Edward."

Elizabeth smiled. "Would you tell me?"

Bella ducked her head, blushing a little, before she started to tell Edward's mother about the night he told her that he loved her for the first time. She talked about how surprised she was that it had been easy to respond in kind.

Elizabeth's eyes were filled with tears when she finished her story. "He really did love you, you know? It was probably only a few weeks after he met you that he told me that he'd met the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with."

"He did?" Bella's heart hurt as love and pain wrestled for control.

"He did," Elizabeth said, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes. "Did he ever tell you who was on the other end of the call the day you tackled him?"

Bella shook her head. "No. I asked him a few times, and he evaded me. I thought it must have been a woman."

Elizabeth laughed. "It was."

Bella could feel the shocked expression that she wore, her eyebrows raising sharply and her mouth forming an O.

"I was on the other end of that call." She laughed. "I heard you hit him. I even heard him tell you to pretend to be injured. Shortly after that, the call ended. I had to call back to find out what had happened. And when I did, he blew me off."

"Oh. I'm so sorry." Bella was shocked. Edward had told his mother he'd call her back that day…and then they had gone to Starbucks and talked for hours.

"You know, it took him until the next morning to call. And when he did, all he could talk about was you." Elizabeth reached across the table and patted Bella's arm. "He was smitten from the very first moment."

"I didn't know that," Bella said, looking across the table and into eyes that looked like Edward's.

"Oh, honey, Edward was someone who went after what he wanted. He wasn't shy about it. I know he was hesitant to push you because of your doubts, but he knew that at some point he would win the girl."

Tram approached the table, asking for their order. Elizabeth motioned to Bella. "I'll take whatever she says is good." So, Bella ordered Pho with flank, brisket, tendon and meatballs for both of them and they returned to their conversation. Elizabeth's eyes widened as she listened to Bella's order.

When Tram left, Bella spoke.

"Elizabeth?" She nodded, urging Bella to ask whatever it was she wanted to ask.

"Did he ever tell you that he was upset with me over the engagement thing?" She couldn't look at Elizabeth as she asked. Elizabeth's hand on her arm made her look back to the other woman's face.

"Bella, you need to stop worrying about that. He was happy. Did he want to marry you? You know the answer to that question – of course he did. Was he impatient at times? Did he wish he could take away the reasons you were so hesitant to make a commitment? Absolutely." She squeezed Bella's arm reassuringly. "He loved you. That was the most important thing to him. He couldn't see his life without you in it. When Ed asked him how long he would wait, he told him that he would wait forever, as long as you were with him."

Both women had tears rolling down their cheeks as Tram brought a tray of fresh herbs and sprouts to their table, placing it between them with a brief glance and a worried look.

"Thank you for telling me that." She took a deep breath and looked at the floor.

"Can I ask you something?"

Bella's eyes stayed down, but she replied. "Anything."

"How are you really, Bella? Are you still beating yourself up for not marrying him earlier? You look like you've lost weight. Ed and I were both concerned about you when you came for Christmas."

"I'm okay most of the time. But, some days…" Bella chewed absently on her bottom lip.

"Yes?" Elizabeth prodded.

Bella finally looked her in the eyes. "Some days I feel like my heart will never heal, like I should have been there with him, died with him. It's almost like I did." She gasped, surprising herself with the words that slipped out. It was the first time she had spoken so honestly about her feelings. "Sorry."

Elizabeth stood up and moved to embrace her. "You have nothing to be sorry about. If anyone understands at least a little of what you're feeling, it's me." Bella looked at the sorrow in the other woman's eyes. She knew it was true.

When they sat again, it was like they were both trying to lighten the conversation.

"Tell me about your thesis. You should be just about finished, right?"

"Well, I e-mailed a section of it to my advisor earlier this week. I didn't feel like it was coming together like it should, but he assured me that I just needed to work a little on the structure. He gave me some great ideas and I'm working them in right now."

"How much more do you have to write?" Elizabeth asked.

Tram interrupted that line of questioning when she brought out the food. They thanked her and Bella started to demonstrate how she prepared to eat pho. She had chopsticks and a spoon ready to show her how to do it when Elizabeth stopped her by touching her hand.

"What happened to your hand?"

Bella looked at it. There were bruises all along the tops of her knuckles, and a scab forming over the one that had bled.

"I, um…"

"Bella, look at me," Edward's mother said firmly. "What did you do to your hand?"

"I hit a wall," she said meekly, hunching her shoulders and folding in on herself.

Elizabeth's sharp laugh caught her attention. "Did it help?"

She shook her head.

"Well then I'll mark that off of my list of ways to vent." Bella looked up to see a twinkle in her eye. She was stunned.

Elizabeth took hold of both of Bella's hands, ignoring the utensils. "Ed and I have each other. When we get mad, when we hurt so much that we nearly can't breathe, when we want to scream and cry in rage, we have someone to turn to who understands. I want you to have that, too. I'll be here whenever you need me. If you need to scream, I'll listen. If you want to cry, I have a shoulder for you."

"But I can't ask that of you. You lost your son."

"And you lost your soul mate." Elizabeth squeezed Bella's hands and tried to smile at her. Bella could see the tears welling in the other woman's eyes. "Besides, I still have the daughter he brought me. Right?"

Bella nodded. She couldn't disappoint Elizabeth, especially after hearing that she considered her as a daughter still.

A/N

As always, I am eternally grateful to my pre-reader GinnyW, and to my betas, Shug and Giselle-lx. My writing is better thanks to them.

Big hugs to lyricalkris for her rec of my story. She is the bomb. I beg her for new chapters of Parenthetical Love and she humors me.

I am posting pictures and teases on my tumblr account. Feel free to follow it. http:/thetinkk(dot)tumblr(dot)com/

Can't say thank you enough to all of you who read, alert and/or review. Makes my heart warm.


	5. Chapter 5  Waiting

Chapter 5 – Waiting

January melted into February and Bella kept her head down. She ignored everything but her education, even though her heart was no longer in it. Distraction was the name of the game now.

Beneath everything, Bella felt an unbearable sense of expectation. She had no idea where her unease was coming from. At home, every sound, every shift of light set her on edge. A sense of waiting enveloped her.

Bella felt silly. She was waiting for something that might never come. Another letter.

Every creak of a floorboard made her flinch. Each time the wind whipped around her house, she jerked. She felt nervous, but in reality it was the waiting, not nerves, that had her jumping out of her skin.

A deep disappointment hit her every time she opened her mailbox and found nothing but mundane, everyday mail. She had cried on more than one occasion when, after sorting through the day's ads and letters, she had come up empty. She needed to talk to someone about what was happening, but she was afraid of what they would think.

Elizabeth would understand her excitement over the letters and the memories they invoked, but it might also cause her pain to think that someone was acting for Edward, trying to help Bella. Her dad would never understand, and might be a bit freaked out about the entire thing.

Angela and Jessica would undoubtedly help her. They would listen and counsel with her. But she wasn't really sure she wanted to share this with them, even though Jess had been there when she received the first letter.

Sleepless nights were becoming the norm. She would lie in bed, wondering if a letter would come, thinking about sharing her thoughts, until the pink light of morning would start to peek through her windows. If things didn't change soon, people would start to ask her if she was sick because of the dark circles that were becoming more pronounced under her eyes. Her dad, especially, would give her the first degree, wondering if she was sleeping, eating and functioning. She knew, without a doubt, that she needed to do something.

Finally, after suffering another disappointment at the mailbox, she broke down and made a phone call.

"Jess?"

"Bella! Wow, how are you? I've been telling Mike that I should call you. I'm so relieved to hear your voice."

"Um…sorry." Bella bit her lip, totally unsure of how to bring up getting together. She paused, and for once, Jess didn't fill the void with senseless words. She was waiting for Bella to speak again.

"I was wondering…if you'd like to…um…"

"Like to what, Bells?" Jessica pressed.

"Would you like to meet me for dinner tonight? I mean, if you have something going on with Mike, I'll understand. It's not like I can't wait for another time, but I was just thinking if you didn't have anything else to do…"

Jessica cut her off when she squealed into the phone. "I'd love to," she said, and Bella could hear her talking to Mike in the background. "Should I pick you up?"

"Sure. And would you call Angela? I think she'd like to come, too."

Bella cringed a little at the excitement in Jess's voice when she agreed to make the call, wondering what she was getting herself into.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The doorbell rang just before seven, and Bella took a deep breath before answering.

"Bella," Jessica said, throwing her arms around her friend. "I'm so glad you called."

There was something going on with Jess, she was buzzing with excitement. Bella wasn't sure what it was, and she didn't want to waste the effort to find out. Angela stopped her speculation by stepping through the door and joining their hug.

"I really needed a night out, too." She smiled at Bella with understanding. Jess could be a little overwhelming on your best day.

She slipped her jacket on and followed her friends out of the house, stopping suddenly when she saw the vehicle in her driveway.

"Jess?"

Jessica turned and looked at her. "What?"

"When did you trade in your fun, sporty car for this?" She eyed the Volvo warily.

Her friends just laughed. "You've kind of been out of it, haven't you? Mike got this car for us for Christmas."

"Oh," Bella said, realizing just how withdrawn she had become.

Thankfully, she didn't have to make much effort at conversation on the way to the restaurant. Jessica rambled on and on about the plans Mike had made for their anniversary. Angela nodded her head and agreed with her a few times, and Bella said next to nothing, just watched from the back seat. Her life seemed to mirror this ride, watching in silence as everyone else lived the lives they were supposed to have. This was loneliness she was just starting to understand. A small twinge of jealousy ate at her as she thought of the life she could have had.

She tried not to allow her sadness - and she confessed to herself, depression - break into the mood of her friends. A fake smile covered her face when she stepped out of the car in front of Chili's, Jessica's favorite restaurant.

Once inside, Bella was content to sit back and allow her friends to continue the conversation, smiling when it seemed appropriate and nodding her head on occasion. This was easy enough so far. They had their drinks and had placed their orders when Angela finally decided it was time to pull her into the conversation.

"So, Bella, I'm really glad you decided to go out with us tonight." She smiled sweetly at Bella and went in for the kill. "What gives?"

Bella choked on the soda she was drinking. Sputtering, she asked, "What?"

"Well, you've hardly gone anywhere for the last four and a half months. You don't call anyone unless you have to return a call from them. You avoid us all at holidays, ignore dinner invitations, and won't go to the club with us. So, I figure you had a reason to finally go to dinner with us." She stared at her, pulling no punches. "Spill it, Swan."

So much for easing into the conversation. But Angela was right.

"I just…needed to talk to someone." Bella's head dropped, and she stared at the napkin in front of her. Her fingers were absently pulling at a straw wrapper, straightening it, then twisting it into a ball.

Angela reached across the table and stopped the motion of her hands. "I've been waiting for you to reemerge, Bella. I didn't want to push you. God knows I've been worried about you, though."

"I know," Bella said quietly. "I'm sorry I've worried everyone so much. "

Jessica reached for one hand as Angela took the other. "We've been hoping you'd reach out to us. It hasn't been easy watching you suffer," Jess said.

Bella took a deep breath. She knew her friends had been there all along, but she wasn't the kind of person who allowed others to help her.

"So, what's up?" Angela asked, squeezing her hand gently.

"You're going to think I'm crazy," Bella said. Her friends stopped moving, anticipating her words. They glanced at each other and Angela raised her eyebrows at Jess, as if she had been waiting for this moment for a long time. "I think that Edward has been trying to help me."

Angela's eyes grew large and Jess squeaked, "What are you talking about?"

"Well, you were there when the first letter came, Jessica." She looked at her friend for confirmation.

"First? There have been more?"

Bella nodded. "Well, one more. Last month."

"What letters?" Angela frowned.

Jessica explained about the first letter as Bella sat silently listening. "Mike was a little worried about it, to be honest. He couldn't figure out who would send something like that. But, Bella was happier after that night, at least for a while." She looked at Bella. "Why didn't you tell me another letter came?"

Bella shrugged. "Well, I was so mad after I read it that I crumpled it up and decided to ignore it. But I couldn't."

"What did the second letter tell you to do?" Angela asked.

"To go to lunch with Edward's mother," Bella said. "After I got over being mad, I called her and invited her to the restaurant it suggested."

Angela seemed concerned. "Which restaurant?"

"Pho Cyclo. It was our favorite place to go together. In fact, it was the place where he told me he loved me for the first time."

The food arrived before she could tell them any more of the story. They ignored the waitress, giving her an abrupt wave when she asked if she could do anything else for them. As soon as she walked away from the table, the conversation started again.

"Aren't you worried about who could be sending them, Bella?" Angela asked.

She bit her lip, trying to figure out a way to explain what she was thinking. "No. See, I think that somehow, in some strange way, Edward has been guiding someone to write them to me."

Jessica looked at her plate and picked up her fork, moving the food around, but not eating. Angela looked out of the window in silence. Bella watched them, waiting for their response.

She sighed. "You don't believe me."

"That's not it at all," Jess said.

Angela moved to sit next to Bella and embrace her. "I believe you. I don't know who sent the letters, but if it brings you comfort, then I think Edward would be happy about that. None of us can explain what happens after we die. Maybe he _is_ finding a way to help you."

Bella felt the tears well up in her eyes. "Thank you."

"Bella?" Jessica still sounded concerned. She looked at Angela with raised eyebrows.

"What?" She was wiping at her eyes, trying to stop the tears before they could trace down her cheeks.

"Tell us if you get another one. Please."

The waitress stopped her answer for a moment, as she dropped off a refill of their chips and salsa.

When the woman left, Jessica looked at Bella, raising her eyebrows. Bella nodded. "I will."

~X~X~X~X~X~

The rest of dinner had been easier. They talked about the friends that Bella hadn't seen in a while and about school. Angela had a new job as a data base administrator. She'd been programming for the last two years, and had finally left the software company to use her IT degree at a brand new company. Bella was amazed at how well her friend was doing. Fixing errors in new code was a huge challenge, but Angela seemed to love it. It felt good to be with friends. To be normal for a while. To be herself again, if only briefly.

When they returned to her house, laughing about the night Angela had locked herself out of the apartment they had shared at the time, Bella felt good. She smiled at them and thanked them for joining her as she climbed out of the back seat.

"Don't wait so long to call me again," Ang said with a wink.

"I won't."

Bella unlocked the door and stepped forward into the house, turning to wave at her friends. When they pulled away, she went inside and shut the door.

A gentle light shone into the living room. The light over the sink was on. A small chill ran through her as she thought again of how Edward had always left it on for her. He was always taking care of her like that. She pushed that thought away, reminding herself that she had been in the kitchen just before her friends picked her up. She hadn't turned off the light- and nobody was watching out for her anymore.

She hung her coat and started to get ready for bed, avoiding the living room for a while. When she was finally in her fleece pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, she walked to the couch and sat down, reaching for the urn. Her fingers stroked the side, and she started to talk.

"They don't think I'm crazy, Edward. Angela's dad is a minister, so she gets it. I'm so glad I talked to her. I really needed someone who would believe me. Jess tried, but I don't think she felt like Angela did."

As Bella spoke, her eyes moved around the room. Most of their things hadn't been moved since September. She really needed to dust.

"Boy, I've let things slip around here. I'm sorry," she said, rising to look closely at the book shelves. Her fingers stroked the backs of the books that she and Edward had combined when they moved in together. It was an eclectic collection. Their tastes in literature had been very different.

Jane Austen and Emily Bronte were surrounded by Ray Bradbury and Stephen King on the shelf. She laughed at the absurdity of it. Everything had blended, whether it seemed like it should or not, when they moved into the house. His art, her dishes. His living room furniture, her bedroom set. Their combined music and movie collection was vast and diverse. But now it all belonged to her.

Her heart felt the pang of that thought, and she turned to move back to the couch. Her eyes caught a flash of blue on the shelf, though, that captured her and made her stop her motion.

It was the photo album that she had created when they started to date.

Tenatively, she reached for it, afraid of what opening the pages would do to her, but she couldn't resist. It had been too long since she'd looked at his smiling face in the pictures contained in the album. Everything they had done together resided in the cardboard pages. She picked it up and wandered back to her seat, folding her legs beneath her and, with a deep sigh, opening to the first page.

A rose, dry from time and pressure, sat above the first pictures. He had given it to her on their first official date.

She had been rushing around the apartment, trying to decide whether to wear her silky red top or her dark blue button down, when the doorbell rang. Looking at Angela with terrified eyes, she said, "It's him. Will you get the door?"

Angela just laughed. "Chicken," she said.

Bella flew into her room and shut the door, opting to put on the blue shirt as quickly as she could. She checked her face in the mirror and patted down a few flyaway hairs. "Breathe," she whispered to herself.

It was ridiculous, really. She had spoken to Edward on the phone every day since they had met. For hours at a time, in fact. But the knowledge that she was going to see him again, spend an entire evening in his company, terrified her. What if he didn't like her and stopped calling after this date?

Angela knocked on her bedroom door and stepped inside. "He is hot! You weren't kidding." She laughed. "He's also very nervous, and he's waiting for you. Hurry up."

"He's nervous?"

Angela rolled her eyes. "Come see for yourself."

She took Bella by the hand and led her back to the living room. One look at Edward and her body relaxed. "Hey," she said, and he smiled in return.

"You look fantastic," he said, holding a perfect yellow rose out for her. She took it and smelled it, smiling.

Edward reached for her hand and they headed toward the door together. "See you later," Bella said with a backward glance at Angela.

Bella smiled as she touched the rose in the album. She remembered how easy it was to be with Edward – from the very beginning. There was never awkwardness between them, and the feeling of wholeness had frightened her at first. She would give anything now to feel that sense of being complete again.

Her fingers stroked the pictures on the first page. Edward smiling as he sat astride a mountain bike, as he toted golf clubs, as he posed next to his parent's swimming pool. His auburn hair shone in every picture, and the green of his eyes leapt off the page. They were so full of life.

Her feelings of euphoria disappeared as she turned the page. The gross unfairness of losing him gripped her again and she clenched her fists so hard that the nails bit into her tender skin. An angry tear rolled down her cheek. He had been only twenty-nine years old, with his whole life still ahead of him.

This page held the picture of the two of them at Mike and Jessica's wedding. He was in a black suit, and she was in a dark blue bridesmaid dress. She sucked in a breath and closed her eyes against the pain.

A vision of what he wanted danced in her mind. He was standing in his parents' back yard, beneath an arch. A priest stood behind him. Flowers and bows lined the path to him – and there were chairs, lots and lots of chairs full of the people they loved the most. She saw herself, dressed in a flowing white gown, roses in her hands, approaching him.

He smiled at her with tears in his eyes as he reached for her hand.

"I love you," he mouthed.

The scene changed, and she saw herself again, with a very large pregnant belly. Her skin was stretched impossibly and it looked as though she'd swallowed a basketball. Edward was there, stroking the flesh of her abdomen, and placing kisses against it. "I can't wait to meet you," he said. His hands caressed her belly, prompting a kick from inside. His child was responding to his touch.

Her head dropped back to the cushion behind her, and she moaned. "Edward, I wanted everything with you – the wedding, the babies. I don't know why I couldn't get past the fear. You were everything I ever wanted and nothing like my mother. I'll never forgive myself for pushing you away, refusing to marry you when you asked."

Hot tears fell as she gripped the book to her chest.

"I know I should be grateful for the time we had. I do. But I can't help feeling cheated, and like I cheated you. "

A small sob ripped through her.

"Why doesn't this get any easier? Why can't I let go of you and the things I thought we'd have together?"

The flash of headlights came through her window, and she realized someone was pulling into her driveway. She wiped her eyes, preparing to answer the door, wondering who would be coming tonight.

A car door shut and within moments there was a light rapping on the door. She rose to answer it, calling, "Who's there?"

A soft voice answered from the other side. "Bella, it's Dad."

She was surprised. She hadn't seen Charlie since Christmas.

"Dad?" she asked as she opened the door.

Charlie took one look at her face and moaned, quickly stepping inside and reaching for her. He wrapped her in his arms. She collapsed into them, crying freely. The intensity of her emotion surprised him, and although he was unsure what he should do, he found himself soothing her.

"It's okay, Bella," Charlie said as he stroked her hair. "It's all going to be okay."

He eventually led her to the couch, sitting next to her. He looked at the urn sitting on the table and turned his attention to the photo album sitting next to it.

"What…what are you doing…here…Dad?" she struggled to ask.

Her father took her hand in his and patted it. "I don't know, kid. I was watching ESPN tonight, checking the scores, when I just…well, Bella, I just felt like you needed me. I was suddenly so worried about you that I had to come here to check on you." He was shaking his head when he finished speaking.

"You drove this far to check on me?"

Charlie just nodded.

"I'm glad you came." Bella rested her head on his shoulder.

"Me, too. Looks like your old man has a little father's intuition," he joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Looks like it," she said with a small hiccup.

Charlie reached for the album on the table. "Something in the album upset you, Bells?"

Bella started to lie, to tell him that everything was fine and she'd just had a bad day, but she stopped herself. For the first time she could remember, she opened up to her father. "It's not just the pictures, Dad. It's everything. I had everything I could have ever wanted, and I lost it. He loved me. He was waiting for me to agree to marry him." She shook her head. "I was so reluctant to give him that. I mean, I watched mom stumble through one bad relationship after another. She couldn't stay put for long enough to have a real life. And you…well, I hardly saw you."

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"It's not your fault," she said with a sigh. "I just didn't believe that people could be happy together. But, I was…we were…" Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks.

Charlie held onto her and rocked her back and forth. "I wish I could make the hurt go away for you. I'm so, so sorry. If I would have known how to make your mother happy…"

When she had cried herself out, she looked up at him and saw the tears on his cheeks. "You understand how I feel, don't you?" she asked quietly.

He turned his dark brown eyes her way, and she could read the grief in them. "I do, Bella."

"I'm sorry, Dad."

Charlie put his arm around her and she snuggled into his side, surprised at the relief she felt. When she finally drifted off to sleep, Charlie carried her into her room and tucked her in.

"Thank you, Dad," she mumbled. "Please stay here…in the guestroom."

Charlie nodded, and she closed her eyes again.

A/N

As always, I need to thank the wonderful people who help me with my story. GinnyW prereads and helps direct me. Shug and Giselle do an awesome job of cleaning up my writing. Can't ever thank them enough.

And to all of you who are reading, thanks! I love to share a story and know that someone is enjoying it.

I'm slow updating this week, but real life has been…interesting. Thank you for your patience.


	6. Chapter 6 My Heart is Yours

Chapter 6 – My Heart is Yours

Bella felt somewhat renewed after her night out with her friends. She wasn't sure if it was because she'd started to emerge from the fog of grief she had been living in, or if it was simply the fact that she wasn't bearing her burden alone anymore.

Angela had started to call her again, and they would really talk. Bella could hang up the phone and remember the conversation for the first time in what felt like forever. Angela's last call had her thinking about what she should be doing with her life.

"Have you decided which internships you are looking into?" her friend had asked.

"Internships? Oh, crap. I can't believe I haven't thought more about this. I need to get moving." Bella said. "I've got to work with a good firm if I want to get a job."

"It'll be fine. You still have time, I'm sure." They had talked for a few more minutes. Bella felt a bit of panic forming after she hung up.

With her graduation just a few months away, she knew things would be different. She wondered to herself if she was ready for it. The things she had prepared for were not the same now, without Edward, but she was trying to continue to move forward anyway. Her mind was occupied with thoughts of the job market and the resume she was working on when she opened the mailbox, grabbing the mail distractedly and sorting it as she walked into her house.

Her feet stopped moving as she gaped at the letter in her hand - 'Bella' was written on the front in the familiar, tidy handwriting. She barely registered the sounds of the other mail hitting the floor; all she could focus on was the envelope in her hand. With shaking fingers, she tore open the top and pulled out the single sheet of paper.

_**My Bella,**_

_**Have you been taking care of yourself? You've lost weight and you have dark circles under your eyes. You should allow someone to pamper you.**_

_**The spa is what you need. Remember that day? Go, relax, enjoy doing something for yourself again. Valentine's Day is the perfect spa day.**_

_**Never forget that you are loved.**_

Her heart fluttered as she thought of Elaia, the spa she had gone to before. Her last trip had been a few months after she started to date Edward, as things were quickly getting serious. She had been tense about the relationship. He'd started to worry aloud that she would bolt because of her insecurities. The thought had occurred to her, but there had already been no chance that she could really leave him. She was already too attached to walk away, whether she liked it or not.

She found herself sitting on the sofa with her cell phone in her hand, debating whether she should call Angela and Jessica and invite them to go with her or just enjoy the spa experience alone. In the end, she decided to go solo, so that she could be quiet and remember what it had been like that day.

Remembering her promise to tell her friends if she received another letter, she dialed Jessica's number.

"Hey, Bella," Jess sounded happy. "What's up?"

Bella hesitated for a beat. "Uh…I got another letter."

Jessica's squeal was painful, so Bella held the phone away from her ear until her friend had pulled herself together.

"Tell me what it says."

She read the letter, pausing at each line to give her friend time to really grasp the words. When she finished, Jess asked, "So, you're going, right?"

Without pausing, she answered, "Yes."

"When, and do want some company?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "I'm going on Valentine's Day, like the letter says. And I'll be fine going by myself, Jess."

Jessica laughed. "Probably for the best. Mike has something planned for the holiday. I'm sure it involves sexy lingerie." She snorted. "Like he buys that stuff for my benefit."

They laughed loudly and talked about Jess's plans to visit Mike's family in Forks, before Bella ended the call and dialed Angela's number. It went to voice mail, so she explained the situation, hoping Angela wouldn't mind getting the information in a message instead of in person.

The next call she intended to place was to Elaia. She laughed quietly as she thought about the last time she had gone there. Edward had insisted that she needed a day away. He suggested the spa to her and even booked her appointment. When she'd finally asked him why he was so hip on the spa, with a teasing glint in her eye, he had admitted that his mother had suggested it, even telling him which treatments to order for her.

Of course, when she'd arrived and looked at prices of the massage and the facial, she nearly choked. There was no way she could have afforded to pay for such frivolous things. She had tried to make her excuses and leave, but the receptionist just smiled and told her that Mr. Masen would be sorely disappointed if she wasted the money he had already spent. She was mad at him for paying, but felt guilty at the thought of letting his hard-earned money go to waste by walking out of the spa, so she had relented.

After finishing the treatments Edward had ordered, Bella had decided to add a pedicure, ending up with bright red toenails in the process.

Smiling at the memory of Edward's reaction to the red toenails – he had kissed each one while giving her a foot massage later that night - she dialed the spa. Her call was answered by a bubbly voice. "Good morning. Thank you for calling Elaia. May I help you?"

Bella stumbled for a moment. "Oh, um…I need to…make an appointment."

The receptionist asked her several rambling questions. "What can we do for you? We offer a wonderful massage or facials. On Tuesday and Wednesday, our stylist is here if you'd like a cut and color. Or we can do your nails. Will it just be you or will someone be coming with you?"

"Well, last time I was there I had a massage, a facial and a pedicure. I think I'd like to do that again."

"And when would you like to book your appointment?"

"Valentine's Day, please," Bella said.

"Oh," the receptionist hesitated. "That day is very busy. I'm not sure if we can work you in. I'll check our schedule. Can I get your name, please?"

"Bella Swan."

The soft laugh that came through the phone stunned her.

"Um…I'm sorry, but what's so funny?" Bella asked.

"Miss Swan, you're already booked. Someone called two weeks ago and told us you'd be calling and scheduled everything for you. We've been taking bets on whether you'd call or not."

Bella sat in silence, shocked.

"Miss Swan? Are you okay?"

She wasn't sure. Her head was spinning and her heart was racing. Someone had booked the spa day for her.

"Um…" she mumbled, "I'm okay." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"So we'll see you at eleven a.m. on the 14th, then?"

Should she go? Was it safe to go to an appointment that someone else had booked for her?

"Miss Swan?"

Bella took a deep breath. "Yes. I'll be there at eleven."

"Wonderful. We'll see you then."

Her finger shook as she hit the end button. There was only one person she could think of who would book a day at the spa for her – Elizabeth. Did she dare call to ask her if she'd done it?

She dropped her head into her hands and fought the urge to call the spa and cancel the appointment or call Elizabeth and ask if it had been her.

~X~X~X~X~X

Bella was drifting off under the warm hands of her masseuse. This was the part of the day she'd been looking forward to the most. The stress that had twisted her body for the last five months seemed to be fading away. She hadn't realized just how tight her shoulders were.

The quiet piano music playing in the background reminded her of Edward, and it soothed her further. Her eyes closed as she relaxed even more, and she smiled as she thought of the last time she'd been to this spa.

Edward had been waiting for her as she left the building, a dozen red and pink roses in his hands and a huge smile on his face.

"You loved it, admit it."

She shrugged, and he handed her the flowers.

"Hop in," he said, gesturing toward his car.

She shook her head. "I have my car."

Edward smirked. "No you don't."

"What are you talking about?" she asked, confused.

Edward grabbed her hand and pulled her toward his car as he explained. "I worked this out with Angela. I picked her up a little while ago and brought her here. She drove your car home." He looked at her. "So, no, you don't have your car. I'm here to take you out for Valentine's Day."

"But I'm not dressed to go out."

Edward actually blushed when he answered her. "Um…I got a hotel room near here. I have clothes for you. Angela helped me figure out what you were going to wear tonight. And…oh god, Bella, I didn't think this would sound so wrong…"

She stepped into his car, laughing, and waited until he got in to ask, "Are you embarrassed?"

He started the engine but didn't move to put the car in gear. After a moment, he finally turned to her. "I don't want to seem presumptuous. Until I started to tell you my plans, it all seemed so romantic, but…" He groaned and put his forehead against the steering wheel.

Chuckling, she reached across the space between them, taking his hand. "Edward, look at me."

Hesitantly, he turned his head toward her, a pained look on his face. She smiled reassuringly.

"I don't mind," she said quietly.

"Are you sure?" He seemed eager for her approval.

It was Bella's turn to look away. Suddenly her fingernails were extremely interesting. She nodded and took a deep breath. His hand squeezed hers.

"I should have told you…" he trailed off.

Finally, she looked at him, holding his gaze. She thought about their last date and the compromising position they had been in on the sofa when Angela walked into the apartment. There was a good reason he'd gotten a room – privacy was hard to come by with roommates. "That would have ruined the surprise." She took a deep breath before continuing. "So, where is this room? And did you tell Angela that she shouldn't expect me until morning?"

"That was an interesting experience," he said, rolling his eyes. "She doesn't really approve."

Bella laughed. "Angela has her own ideas about…relationships."

"I kind of got that impression," he said with a smirk. "So, are you ready to go?"

"Yes, I am." A feeling of nervousness mixed with expectation flowed through her, and she looked out of the passenger window, watching as the city went by.

A hand on her shoulder pulled her out of the light slumber she had fallen into as the masseuse worked. Part of her felt like crying as she lost the link to Edward she had been experiencing.

"Miss Swan, you're finished."

"Thank you," she said, shuffling to sit up on the table. Her heart was heavy as she dressed and prepared to leave the spa. This was supposed to be a good experience, and yet she was leaving feeling worse than she had in a while.

The receptionist smiled warmly at her as she stopped to pay her bill. "I have something for you," the young woman said.

Bella just looked at her, credit card in hand. Lacy – the name on her badge – shook her head and told her, "It's already been paid. And these were delivered for you while you were inside."

Lacy turned and picked up a bundle of pink and red roses that had been placed on the counter behind her desk.

Surprise overwhelmed Bella, and her eyes filled with tears. "Who?"

With a shrug, Lacy handed her the flowers. "They are beautiful. Someone really cares about you."

The sob that rose up couldn't be concealed, and Bella turned away from the young woman. "Thank you," she whispered as she started to walk, restraining herself. She wanted to run. To scream. A few people glanced at her as she fled to her car, tears streaming down her face. Anger, grief, and a sense of loss accosted her as she unlocked the door.

"It's not fair," she yelled when she was inside of her vehicle, turning the key and revving the engine.

Her vision was blurry and she was probably not driving safely, but all she could think of was getting home. The grief had been tolerable in the last little while, but today had reopened the wound, reminding her of her loss. Streets flew past without a conscious awareness. Bella was on auto-pilot, seeking the security of her own abode.

But when she pulled into her driveway, a basket on the front porch caught her eye, and she cringed. She approached it as if it were a bomb, ready to detonate and destroy what was left of her heart.

A bright pink envelope was attached to the cellophane that was wrapped around the basket. With fingers that were shaking, she grasped the envelope and saw handwriting that was vaguely familiar.

Slowly, she ripped the top, anxious to know who had sent the gift. A beautiful card waited inside, and she opened it hesitantly.

**Bella,**

**We just wanted you to know that we are thinking of you today. This had become a favorite day for Edward, for reasons which he never explained to us, but we know it had to do with you. Everything in his life brightened when he found you.**

**We would love to take you to dinner sometime. Please give us a call.**

**Love,**

**Ed and Elizabeth**

Feeling a mixture of relief and loss, Bella lifted the basket off of the porch and entered her home. She was exhausted from the emotional roller coaster she had been on today. With a simple text, she thanked Elizabeth for the basket that now beckoned to her from its place on her kitchen table. She turned away from it. There was no way she could look at its contents right now.

Sleep would help her cope, she thought. At least she would stop thinking about him.

She padded into her bedroom, kicking her shoes off of her feet and slipping her Levi's off. The bed looked comforting and soft, and she crawled under the covers. Exhaustion pulled at her, and yet she couldn't slip into the void of sleep.

Instead, her mind went back to that Valentine's Day. Elizabeth's note had mentioned what an important day it had been for Edward, and she knew the reason.

They had arrived at the Four Seasons after a brief ride, pulling into the parking garage. Edward looked at her as he parked the car, waiting for an indication that this was still what she wanted.

"Are you really okay with me getting us a room here?" he asked, timidly.

"I'm totally okay with it." She looked up at him and shuddered a little with the excitement that she felt. "Can I ask what you have planned for our dinner tonight?"

Edward laughed. "I made reservations at the hotel restaurant, but I couldn't get us in until eight-thirty, so you have plenty of time to get ready." He stepped out of the car and walked around to her side, opening the door for her and reaching for her hand.

They were silent as they walked toward the elevator. His hand squeezed hers several times, and she squeezed back, trying to let him know that she was happy to be here with him. Neither of them said a word as they exited the elevator and walked down the hall of the hotel.

Finally, Edward stopped moving and indicated that they had arrived by pointing at the door. "This is us," he said in a rough voice.

Tingles spread through Bella's body. She had wanted to be alone with Edward like this for a while, but hadn't expected it today. As she looked at the door, a shiver of anticipation ran down her spine. His hands were shaking as he swiped the card key and opened the door, holding it for her as she passed.

Bella stopped just inside the room, taking it in. It was a mini suite, with a sofa and a table in addition to the king-sized bed with a soft white comforter. Their bags were already there, and a bottle of champagne was chilling on the table.

"You okay?" Edward asked, wrapping his arms around her from behind.

She turned in his arms and brought her hands up to his neck, securing them tightly behind him. "Never been better."

"Your dress is hanging on the back of the bathroom door. I wasn't sure if you would want to shower before you got ready." He was nervously looking around the room, and she was glad he mirrored her feelings.

"We have time," she breathed as she stood on her toes to reach his lips with hers. "I'm not in any hurry to get dressed for dinner."

He reacted to her kiss with a groan, but, pulling back for a moment, said, "I don't want to push you. Don't feel like you need to do anything because I got a room."

Pushing herself firmly against him, she whispered, "I've been waiting to have time alone with you without the possibility of a roommate walking in on us."

Edward chuckled against her mouth. "Yeah, that was a little uncomfortable, wasn't it?"

"Beyond uncomfortable. Poor Angela couldn't look at me for two days." The laugh that they shared at that visual broke the tension she had been feeling, and she pressed against him again, kissing him deeply.

The pressure of his hand sliding up her side took her by surprise. "Because she saw me doing this?" he asked as he cupped her breast.

Bella nodded. "But under the shirt," she reminded him, taking his hand in hers and leading it to the hem of her shirt and then under it. The feel of his skin on hers was electric, and she gasped.

"Imagine what she would have done if your shirt had been off," he teased. "And your bra."

With a fluid motion, his fingers grasped her shirt and lifted it over her head, and she moaned. He looked at her face, waiting for her approval before proceeding to the clasp of her bra. She nodded, and he unhooked the back, pulling gently as he removed it from her body.

"God you're beautiful," he said as he stood back to admire her body. "Perfect."

Embarrassment rolled over her, and she ducked her head until she felt his fingers lifting her chin.

"You are beautiful, Bella. Believe me."

He was standing a little further back, admiring her, and she reached for the buttons on his shirt. He smirked as she undid them, one by one, with a playful gleam in her eye. After she had shed his shirt, she stood admiring him, touching the edge of each abdominal muscle and oblique, then walking her fingers down his happy trail, softly stroking the hair.

Her fingers moved back to her own body, undoing the button on her jeans and sliding the zipper down. Before she realized he was moving, he had picked her up to carry her across the room, setting her gently on the bed. His hands tugged at the denim she was wearing, pulling the jeans off her body and tossing them to the floor. She gasped at the feeling of desire that surged through her.

Watching his every movement, she sighed when he removed his own pants and stood before her in only his boxers. She crooked her finger, inviting him to join her, and he walked forward, kneeling on the bed and hovering over her.

"Are you sure?" he asked again, and she responded by grabbing him, pulling his body forward on her own. Edward growled lightly as their bare skin connected. He nipped at her ear and her neck as his hands wandered over her bare flesh. He fondled her breasts, pinching the nipples between his fingertips and rolling them gently. His mouth left her neck and wandered to her chest, kissing the tops of her breasts as his hands moved to caress her over the lace of her underwear. She moaned as he pressed himself against her leg and she felt his arousal.

"I need you, Bella," he said.

Her breathing sped up, and she whispered back, "I need you, too."

His lips crashed into hers as he raised his body over her again and maneuvered his fingers under the lace. She thrashed against his hand, desperate for more. Boxers disappeared, as did the lace, and they were finally completely bare together.

Edward looked into her eyes and gently kissed her as he positioned himself. "I love you, Bella," he whispered as he pressed into her for the first time.

She moaned through her movements, answering him. "I…love you…too."

~X~X~X~X~X~

Waking up alone was excruciating. In all of her life, Bella had never felt such a need for a connection to another human being – anything to block the crippling loneliness she was feeling after dreaming of him all night. The cell phone on her nightstand was a lifeline, a way to be with…someone, anyone.

Without a second thought of who she would call, she pressed her third speed dial and listened as it rang.

"Bella?" her dad asked. "How are you?"

It took her a few moments before she could answer without a shaky voice. "Daddy…I need you."

**A/N**

**Huge thanks again to my pre-reader GinnyW and my betas, Shug and Giselle. Always there for me. To all my WC girls, you rock – and keep me writing.**

**I really appreciate all of the alerts, favorites and reviews. I'm anxious to hear how you feel about the story so far. **

**I apologize for my slow updates. Still trying for one per week. **


	7. Chapter 7 Progress is a Blind Date

Chapter 7 – Progress is a Blind Date

The first week of March brought warmer weather and cloudless skies to Seattle. Bella took advantage of the sun, sitting at the picnic table in her backyard with a book in her hands. The sounds of spring were everywhere and birds were flying into the tall pines that lined her property. The grass would need care soon, a thought that continued to nag at her. Sure, she could mow and edge, but that had never been her responsibility before - it had always been his.

Charlie would probably show up in the next week or so to inspect the yard, looking for ways that he could help her. She shook her head. He'd been almost insufferable since the day after Valentine's, when she'd called in tears – again. He hadn't hesitated, rushing to Seattle to be with her. There had never been a time when she had turned to him like that, but she didn't regret it. It had strengthened their relationship, creating a bond she had never before had with either of her parents.

Edward would have been surprised – and a little bit proud of her –for reaching out to her father. Renee could never really be bothered with her, Bella had learned to cook and clean the house before she was ten, and was balancing her mother's checkbook before she hit puberty. The endless stream of boyfriends had grown old by the time Bella was a teenager, so when a new man moved into their rented home in Phoenix, Bella had requested that she be allowed to move to Forks. Charlie had agreed without hesitation.

Phil, the last boyfriend, had turned out to be good for Renee, and they had been married a year ago. Bella was still surprised about that. Charlie had played down his reaction to the news, but Bella knew he was devastated – especially now that she had seen his private pain. She understood now that he had been waiting for her mother to return.

Thinking of her parents brought her back to the day she told Edward about them. He was talking about attending his father's birthday dinner and asked her if she would accompany him.

"They don't know me. It would be awkward. Besides, I don't do family parties."

Edward had smiled up from her bed. "It wouldn't be awkward. They would be thrilled to meet you. My mother has been hinting for a few years that it's time for me to bring a girl home." He winked at her. "And just what do you mean you don't do family parties? Don't you ever get together with your family?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Your parents don't want to meet me."

"They do. And you are avoiding my questions."

Bella huffed in frustration, not wanting to scare him away with the story. "We don't do family things. In fact, I can't remember ever celebrating things with my parents, other than Christmas. And that is just painful. I usually avoid spending time with them."

His hands slipped around her waist and he spoke in her ear. "Why don't you spend time with your family? You never talk about them. We should visit them."

She tried to pull away, but he held onto her waist, keeping her close. "You don't want to hear about them. And you really don't want to meet them."

Edward kissed her neck. "Oh, but I do. I want to know everything about you. Tell me more about your parents, Bella. You don't talk about them beyond saying they had a horrible marriage and ended up divorced." He pulled her back onto the bed and curled around her.

Anger coursed through her, and she felt trapped in his arms, claustrophobic. She spit out, "My mother is an idiot, okay? She was a terrible mother. I was alone most of the time." She wiggled, trying to get loose.

The arms that held her in place pulled tighter. "Stay here, Bella. Tell me." He kissed her head and her cheek.

After a minute, she relaxed into him and started to tell her story. "She left my dad when I was a year old, moved us to California and in with my grandmother. But, that didn't last long. I was eighteen months old when she met Greg. He was a truck driver. She moved us to Atlanta so that she could be with him." Her bitter laugh sounded foreign to her own ears. "Little did she know that he had a wife and two kids waiting there for him."

Edward stroked her hair. "So what did she do?" He kissed the spot behind her ear.

Bella sighed. "She stayed for a while. We lived in a dingy little apartment that I've seen in pictures. For six months she waited for him to leave his wife. When she realized it wasn't going to happen, she packed up the car and started to drive back to California."

"That's good, right?"

She shook her head. "Not really. We only made it as far as Texas. That's where she met Steve."

"Oh." Edward tightened his arms again. "I didn't realize it was like that."

"It was always like that. She'd take a spinning class and come home 'in love' with Craig, or a dance class and then it was Alberto. There was a long list of characters in her drama. And she always told me that if she hadn't been so young when they got married, if she hadn't gotten pregnant with me, she would have had a future."

It wasn't until Edward reached up to wipe the tears that Bella realized she was crying.

"I'm sorry, honey. What about your dad? Was he any better?"

Curling back into Edward's chest, she replied, "Not much, but only because he wasn't around. He stayed in Forks. I only saw him once a year until I was seventeen. I'd finally had enough of the Renee-go-round and asked to live with him."

Edward sat quietly stroking her hair and kissing her neck for a few minutes before he finally asked, "Was living with him better or worse?"

She shrugged. "Better in some ways, worse in others. No revolving door at Charlie's; that was a plus. But we didn't talk at all. He still doesn't say much. Charlie is a very quiet person." Edward turned her head so he could kiss her lips and she sighed and snuggled further into his arms.

"We'll just make my family yours, too," he whispered in her ear. "They will love you, like I do."

The shrill ring of her cell phone made Bella flinch, bringing her back to her own yard. She jumped up and grabbed it off of the counter inside the door, breathing heavily.

"What have you been up to, Bella?" Angela asked with a laugh.

There was no way she was telling Angela that she was thinking of Edward, as usual. "I was in the backyard. Had to run to the phone. What's up?"

Angela hesitated for just a moment. "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

"Um…" Sitting at home, talking to Edward's urn did not seem like a good response, so she finally said, "Nothing."

"Well, I have something for you to do," Angela said enthusiastically.

This couldn't be good. Bella sighed before responding. "What are you talking about, Ang?"

"Well, um…Ben has a friend at work who is pretty new in town, and…um… he was wondering if we knew anyone who he could invite to their company get-together tomorrow. Ben thought maybe…"

Bella cut her off. "No. I can't believe you would try to set me up on a blind date. What are you thinking?"

Angela's voice was soft when she replied. "I was thinking that it would be good for you to get out of that house. I was thinking that it's been almost six months since Edward died, and you haven't stopped mourning. I was hoping that you would take a chance and do something for yourself – without a letter telling you to do it, Bella. Maybe I'm crazy, but I was thinking that it would be good for you to spend time with living, breathing human beings instead of a cold, marble urn."

It was silent for a while, as Bella took in the words that Angela had said. They hurt, but her friend was being honest. Valentine's Day had proven to her that she needed a change and, honestly, Angela was offering her an opportunity to take an important step.

"You're right. When will you be here?" Bella dropped her head into her hands, rubbing her forehead to relieve the stress she felt.

"Wear a dress. We'll be there at seven."

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella was nervous. It wasn't that she was interested in meeting a man, or cared what he thought about the way she was dressed or how her hair was done. She was shaking over the idea of going out with someone she had never met before, someone who didn't _know_. The idea of having to explain her situation to someone was not appealing. Maybe Angela and Ben had already told him.

The headlights shining in her living room at five minutes before seven sent her heart racing. They were here. She steeled herself, taking a deep breath and promising herself that she would be as sociable as possible.

Footsteps sounded on her sidewalk, heading toward her front door. A slight pause, and then the ringing of her doorbell. She swallowed hard, fighting against the rising panic as she walked to open the door.

A tall man with dark, slicked-back hair, stood with his back to her, looking to the car for encouragement. He shrugged his shoulders in the ill-fitting brown suit he was wearing, as if asking what to do next, and Bella could see Angela signaling for him to turn around and face her. His motions were slow and clumsy as he twisted back to the door, gasping when he saw her standing there.

"Hi, I'm Bella," she said, extending her hand to him.

"Um…I…um…I'm …" he spluttered before finally pulling himself together. "I'm Eric. I'm Ben's friend. And, um, I'm your date for tonight." His eyes took in her face quickly before darting down to the ground, and his hands were twisting restlessly around each other. He realized belatedly that she was waiting for him to shake her hand and he awkwardly thrust his hand forward, slamming it into her knuckles before correcting the position and taking her hand in his.

Bella fought the giggle that was bubbling up in her chest. Ben was a computer geek, she knew, and apparently his friend was even more so. She was more comfortable than she thought she would be as she grabbed her jacket and walked to the car with him. It would be like a date with an awkward teenager, and she was relieved.

The ride to the hotel was quiet. Angela and Bella talked about a few things, but Ben and Eric remained silent. Bella could feel Eric's eyes on her, but each time she'd look in his direction, he would turn his head and look out of the window. His fingernails were not going to make it through the night intact. She could see him bringing his fingers to his mouth, chewing on them, spitting small pieces onto the floor. He was a nervous wreck.

When Ben pulled up to the hotel, Eric leapt from the car, and Bella waited for a moment as Ben handed his keys to the valet.

She was still waiting patiently when the valet got into the car and quietly said, "Ma'am, I think your party is leaving you."

Bella opened the door quickly, embarrassed, and hurried to catch up to them as they entered the building. She had been waiting for Edward, she realized. There had never been a time when he had failed to open the car door for her; in fact, he would be gently irritated if she didn't wait for him to do so. Her eyes stung as she realized how much she missed the small things that Edward had done for her, but she took a deep breath and stopped the tears before they started. He wasn't here to do it. That was just the way things were. This was not going to ruin her evening.

They made their way to the ballroom, which was filled with round tables surrounded by chairs. A long table stretched across the front of the room, and Bella could already see several couples seated there. The wooden dance floor in the center of the room had been kept clear.

"What exactly is this? Why are we here?" Bella whispered to Angela.

Angela bumped shoulders with Bella and giggled. "Palmer developed a new game that is being sold around the world. We're celebrating $100 million in sales. Ben was one of the key programmers. He's being recognized tonight for his accomplishment. It's a really big deal for him…for us." Angela stopped talking and looked away.

"Oh. Okay." There seemed to be more, but Angela wasn't forthcoming, so Bella just followed as Ben led the way to a table near the front.

Ben pulled a chair out, and assisted Angela as she sat, pushing it in gracefully for her. He then sat at her side, glancing around the room and whispering names of other employees and their positions. Bella looked back to see where Eric had gone and realized he was already seated next to Ben. She pulled out the chair next to his and sat back in it, suddenly very aware of the number of couples in the room.

Some of them were holding hands as they searched for their tables, some were already gracing the dance floor, a few sat with their heads close together, lost in their own conversations. That was something she remembered very well. Every event she had attended with Edward had found them like that, aware only of each other until it was time for Edward to pay attention to the gathering. She had never grown tired of looking into his eyes as they talked.

A pang of longing ripped through her and she gasped, deciding that she should be more involved with her…date…to counteract the pain. Turning toward Eric, she started to ask him a question. "What do you do for Palmer, Eric?"

He looked at her like she was an alien for a second before letting out a large breath and answering. "I'm a programmer, like Ben."

His head turned away again, and she could tell he was scanning the room, looking for someone. It wasn't long before she noticed two men headed in their direction. One of them was in corduroy pants, his shirt tucked halfway into his waistband and his hair flopping into his eyes. The other was in jeans and a t-shirt that said 'Gamers Rule'. They could have passed as high school students. Bella almost laughed at the thought, but held back, realizing that they were approaching her table.

"Eric, I did it man! I finished my quest." He high fived Eric and sat on the other side of Bella and his cohort sat next to him. They started to talk excitedly over her.

"Sweet!" Eric said. His face held the most expression she'd seen all night. "How did you do it? I thought Wes was stuck as a wisp in the graveyard and you needed his help to finish the mission. I honestly didn't expect to see either of you here tonight."

Wisp in a graveyard? Mission? Now she was totally lost.

"Yeah, he had to travel from Kalimdore to Northrend to help me, but once he did, we were able to kill the orcs that were standing guard. It was a killer battle. You should have seen it," the other man, Wes, she presumed, said. "There was orc blood everywhere. Heads were rolling on the ground and severed arms and legs were twitching. It was awesome."

"Too bad I missed it," Eric said, glancing quickly at Bella and then back at his friends. "I, uh, had to be here tonight."

Bella looked toward Angela, aware that Eric didn't wish to speak to her right now and hoping to have someone to talk to, but Angela and Ben were deep in their own conversation, seemingly oblivious to the other people at the table. She pushed her chair away from the table and the group of friends who were still having a lively discussion about the best way to kill an orc, and walked back out of the ballroom. The hall was nearly deserted as she searched for the nearest restroom. When she finally found it, she ducked into the stall furthest from the door and started to cry softly.

She knew it had been a while since she'd been on a date, and she really hadn't had high hopes for tonight, but it was obvious that Eric had been goaded into the date, and he had no real interest in her, nor she in him. The realization that she was alone in a room full of people had been too much and she had no desire to return. She stood in the stall, her head in her hands, wishing she was anywhere but here.

When she finally looked at her cell phone, she realized it had been at least thirty minutes since she'd ducked out of the ballroom. After taking a deep breath and wiping her face with a tissue, she stepped out of the stall and to the mirror over the sink. The damage to her makeup was fixable, and she reached into her handbag to retrieve her lip gloss and mascara.

A few minutes later, she was ready to face the world again. It wasn't a surprise to her when she stepped back into the hallway and ran headlong into Angela.

"Where have you been?" Angela asked, looking closely at her face. "You didn't tell me you were leaving. Eric didn't even know where you went."

Bella shrugged. "You were busy talking to Ben. And I'm not sure that Eric would have realized I was gone."

Angela's face fell. "I'm sorry, Bella." Her arms wrapped around Bella and she gripped her tightly. "I was hoping you would have some fun tonight."

With a small laugh, Bella responded, "Let's go watch Ben get his award. Maybe I'll even find out how to enter the portal for time travel."

"What?"

"I have no idea. It's just the last thing I heard Eric talking about when I left the table."

Angela hooked her arm with Bella's and they walked back to the ballroom together, giggling.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella had never been more relieved to be home. When Ben had pulled into the driveway, she quickly said goodnight to everyone and let Eric off the hook by saying, "You don't really need to walk me to the door."

About twenty minutes later, as she was changing into her pajamas, she received a text from Angela.

**I'm so sorry. I had no idea Eric was so involved in playing World of Warcraft. Ben says he's sorry, too. No clue he would ignore you all night. Call me tomorrow.**

After sending a quick reply, Bella wandered into the kitchen and grabbed the Ben & Jerry's from the freezer. Some Cherry Garcia was just what she needed. She grabbed her 'Iron Man' DVD off of the shelf and decided to indulge in a pity party for one…well, one plus urn.

"Well, Edward," she said as she licked the spoon, "I did it. I went on a date. It was awful. The guy ignored me all night. He didn't open doors or pull out my chair. He didn't even notice when I left the room. I didn't know just how good I had it before." She paused for a moment. "I think maybe I'm meant to be alone from now on."

Her favorite fleece blanket was still on the couch, and she wrapped herself in it for warmth and security before she started the movie.

"Here's to Ben and Jerry," she said, holding her spoon aloft, "two guys I can rely on. Always there when I need them."

The tears that welled up in her eyes didn't fall. Not this time. If alone was the way she needed to live, she was going to get used to it, starting right here and now.

**A/N**

**Huge thanks to the usual suspects, GinnyW, Shug and Giselle-lx. Also, a shout out to Lyricalkris for her help with the World of Warcraft lingo. I am so NOT a gamer. Lol**

**I'm grateful to all of you for reading. Makes my day to see new favorites, alerts and reviews. *mwah***


	8. Chapter 8 Rejection

Chapter 8 – Rejection

Bella hopped out of the cab and turned to wave goodbye to Angela and Ben. They had been so apologetic over her disastrous blind date that she couldn't turn them down when they called and asked her to go out. They were hoping that she would find a man to dance with and talk to on her own, without the help of another set-up. Although she truly didn't expect that to happen, she'd played along. True, the night hadn't been a complete loss. She'd actually danced a couple of times – with Angela – and had relaxed with a glass of wine.

The biggest surprise of the night had been Jessica and Mike. They had shown up at the club an hour after Bella arrived with Angela and Ben, and then neither of them had imbibed, drinking only bottled water. Mike explained that they had driven their own car and didn't want to drive under the influence. Bella was surprised when they left after only an hour of chatting and dancing.

Jessica whispered in her ear before they left. "Sorry. We have a big day tomorrow. We've got to get to bed early."

Bella had simply shrugged. She hadn't planned on staying much longer anyway. But it had been a shock when Angela and Ben called it a night with her and went outside to wait for the cab. She had protested.

"You can stay. I really don't need a babysitter."

Angela had hugged her and said, "We know you don't. We're just ready to get home, too." Angela raised her eyebrows and Bella gasped in shock.

"Are you…" Bella couldn't finish her question. Angela just laughed and took her hand, leading her to the waiting cab.

She found herself opening the door at ten-thirty, with a smile on her face. After hanging her jacket, she moved into the living room and stroked the urn. "Well, at least someone is getting a little action, Edward."

The remote was on the table and she clicked it, turning on the television and perusing the channels, her new nightly ritual.

"I'm functioning again. That's good, right? I mean, I went to the club with our friends for the first time since it happened. They all seem strange, like they aren't telling me everything. I can't figure out what's going on. It's not like Jess and Mike to leave the club so early and not drink at all. And Angela, staying overnight with Ben…well, that's just weird."

Her monologue continued until the she slowly drifted off to sleep, the television still playing quietly and the remote in her hand.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The package next to her front door surprised Bella as she reached out for her newspaper in the morning. She wasn't expecting any deliveries, but with Elizabeth around, it could be just about anything. Edward's mother had been finding excuses to bring her gifts whenever she thought she could get away with it, and since the basket full of her favorite shower gels and an outfit on Valentine's Day, there had been a steady stream of small gifts showing up. Bella hadn't been able to turn them down. Dinner on Wednesday had been no exception. Allowing Ed and Elizabeth to take her out seemed like enough, but Elizabeth had handed her a small sack before they parted. It was full of her favorite chocolates. She sighed, wondering what else Edward's mother had done for her.

Because it was Sunday, Bella thought the parcel must have been delivered the day before. She searched the packaging for a return address. There was nothing. In fact, there was no indication that it had been shipped at all. 'Bella' was written in a familiar beautiful script across the brown paper. Someone had delivered it personally to her door. Her curiosity was piqued, and a small spark of excitement blossomed in her chest. The handwriting led her to think this was something new from the person sending the letters.

She lifted the package gingerly, unsure if it was breakable or not, and anxious to see if her suspicions were correct.

The packaging ripped easily and was tossed to the floor in her excitement. She placed her finger under the tape that held it closed and pulled, tearing it away from the cardboard. Then she stopped moving and held her breath, afraid and excited at the same time.

Lifting a flap, she realized that a letter was folded on top of the other contents of the box. The handwriting was barely visible, but it made her heart leap. 'Bella' was printed across the front, and her suspicions were confirmed. It was another one of _the_ letters.

The rest of the package was momentarily forgotten as Bella reached for the folded paper and opened it.

_**My Bella,**_

_**You have come a long way. School will be behind you soon, and your future lies ahead. You've started to move forward with your life, overcoming some of the sadness. **_

_**Now, there are choices you need to make, paths you need to start down. You'll need direction.**_

_**The compass and map inside the package will lead you to a familiar place. Go. Relax. Think about your future. Remember the beauty of your past. Learn what is in your heart so that you can be prepared for the changes to come.**_

_**Never forget that you are loved.**_

With shaking hands, Bella unwrapped a dark cherry wood box with gold hinges and a gold clasp. She released the clasp and lifted the lid. A white gold compass was nestled in the velvet liner. The etching around the edges was a vine with curled leaves and small roses with tiny little thorns. Inside, the writing was an impressive script and the needle was floating, waiting for her to find true north. Her finger brushed the top of the glass, as a gasp escaped her lips.

Edward had taught her to use a compass when they hiked to his favorite spot to think, a wonderful meadow where wildflowers flourished during the spring and summer. She knew before she pulled out the map that this would be where the letter was sending her. When she finally picked up the paper that had been under the wooden box, a tear escaped her eye. The route was familiar – exactly what she had expected.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The sun was shining when Bella stepped out of her truck. Driving along I-5 had brought her to Dupont, past the store where they'd picked up their picnic lunch the first time Edward had taken her to the small meadow. She had followed the instructions on the map, although she really didn't need them; the path to the dirt road she was currently parked on was fresh in her memory. Picking up the compass, the map, and her backpack, she prepared for the hike.

It would take her about half an hour to hike to the meadow alone. Edward had always teased her about being slow and clumsy when she trudged through the woods. Her backpack was heavy with the water and a few snacks she had packed. In her rush to get to the meadow that she hadn't packed a real lunch.

Bella stood looking into the woods, feeling alone. Suddenly, the thought of trekking through them seemed daunting. Maybe she should have called Angela. Her friend probably would have come with her, but she may have asked her to wait, and Bella didn't want to wait. She remembered her promise to call her friends if she received more letters, so she quickly dialed Jessica's number and left a message on her machine, telling her where she had gone and why, and asking her to relay the message to Angela.

Then, she stepped onto the narrow trail that led into the trees, map and compass in hand. It was slow going, tree limbs grabbing her hair and her jacket and roots tripping her up as she tried to walk on the path. The memories of Edward were so strong that she almost felt like he was with her, laughing as they hiked, holding her hand and helping her when she stumbled. She was so caught up in reliving their hikes, that she was surprised when she reached the end of her journey. The meadow. Or, as Edward always said, their meadow.

Relieved, she stepped forward, glancing around for the wildflowers that she remembered from the last time they had been here. It was too early in the year for them, and she knew it, but part of her hoped there would be some.

A spot of red and brown against the yellowed grass of the meadow caught her eye as she surveyed the field in front of her. She walked slowly forward, worried about what she might find. Her father had always warned her about the wildlife in the woods. But, as she got nearer, she could see the outline of a picnic basket with a red blanket folded on top of it and stuffed through the handles. There was a paper pinned to the blanket.

She approached it warily, gasping when she saw her name on the outside of the folded sheet. With tentative fingers, she tore the paper away from the pin, and opened it slowly.

_**Bella,**_

_**You were never good at preparing for hikes like this. Misjudging the amount of time that you would be gone, forgetting that you would be hungry.**_

_**I'm sure you didn't bring lunch, so I've provided it for you. It's your favorite sandwich. A pepper steak from Jonny Boston's. Enjoy it. **_

_**Think about your future on a full stomach. It's time to make some choices.**_

_**Never forget that you are loved.**_

Bella was stunned. Whoever had been writing the letters had been here shortly before she showed up. They were quite possibly still here, hiding somewhere in the forest. The letter dropped from her fingers as she whirled in a full circle, searching for any sign of life. There was no movement save a single robin, the first she had seen this year, hopping in a zig zag toward the trees, its beak filled with dry grass. There was no sound beyond the wind. It was eerie, in a way, and yet she didn't feel threatened. So far, this person had not led her wrong.

There was a part of Bella's mind that told her to run back to her truck and leave, but her heart wanted to stay here, in this spot where the memories of Edward were so strong they were like a physical presence. She dropped to her knees and pulled the blanket off of the basket, opening the top and peeking inside.

A single cheesesteak was in the basket – still warm, and a bag of her favorite chips. A cold Propel was nestled in the opposite corner of the basket. It was grape, the only flavor she drank.

She couldn't touch the food, couldn't reach for the bottle. It was too much. If she did open the sandwich, and it was made the way she always ordered it, she would fall apart. The lid to the basket dropped and she grabbed the blanket, placing it under her head as she slumped to the ground.

Memories of picnics in this meadow, of making love under the sun, and of talking about the future swept over her. This was the place where she had made a life-altering decision, one she couldn't take back, regardless of how she wished she could.

The smell of the long grass and the breeze that blew over her enhanced the memory. Edward had been playing with her hair with one hand, watching as the strands flowed between his fingers. Bella felt him breathe deeply and heard a small rumble as he cleared his throat.

"Bella," he said, his voice unusually timid, "I wanted to talk to you about something important."

Her body stiffened and her heart raced; goosebumps rose on her bare skin. She had known for a while that he wanted to discuss something, but she'd been putting it off, changing the subject whenever he tried to bring it up. This time, they were alone, away from everything else, and she couldn't avoid it. Her stomach fell and she could feel a cold sweat break out on her forehead.

His arms tightened around her, his hand releasing the hair he'd been stroking. "It's okay. I promise. I just want to talk."

She swallowed hard. "What did you want to discuss?" As if she didn't know.

Edward was obviously hesitating – he was never this slow to make a point. The topic he wanted to bring up would upset her, she was sure he knew it. This was the reason she'd played "dodge the conversation" up until now. Allowing him to talk would be hard, and it had been such a beautiful day.

"Well…" He coughed, a nervous tic she'd seen so often. "We've been dating for quite a while now, and you know that I can't live without you, so…"

Bella cut him off suddenly. "Wait. Can't we have this conversation in the car? Or better yet, can't we talk about this when we get to my apartment?" Procrastination seemed like a great last-ditch avoidance tactic, but Edward had her figured out.

He took her chin in his hand and turned her head toward him. "No. This can't wait. I've been trying to talk to you about this for weeks. There's always some reason to put off the conversation; we have to be somewhere, our friends are waiting for us, someone was in the apartment. I'm tired of waiting to talk to you, Bella. I want you to know how I feel and what I want for us."

She trembled and he embraced her even tighter.

"You know I love you, and I know you love me, too. I don't like being separated from you, even overnight. I'm not ashamed to say that I see you as my future."

Bella froze, holding her breath. This was the thing she'd been afraid of. Once he said the words, asked her that gigantic question, they would never be able to go back. He noticed her body language.

"Relax, baby. I only want you to say you want to be with me, too. Yes, that means a greater commitment than we have right now, but…"

She cut him off by thrashing in his arms. He released her, a look of shock on his face.

"I don't want to have this conversation, Edward. I thought you understood that I'm not a person who believes in…well, in what you were talking about. You told me that you wouldn't pressure me." She yanked her jeans up her legs and pulled her shirt roughly over her head.

"I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. You know that. I've told you the truth. Why wouldn't you just listen to me?" Sobs were inevitable, she couldn't stop them.

Edward was on his knees, reaching for her, but she pulled away, pushing his hands off of her.

"Don't do it, Edward. Don't ruin us by asking that question, please," she finally yelled at him.

His hands fell to his side and she heard him gasp. He didn't move for a while. When he finally did, it was to dress. His movements were slow and he remained silent. Bella watched him. She was still shaking.

"So, asking you to marry me would ruin us?" he finally asked, in a whisper. "You are willing to give up everything that we have if I say that I want you to be mine, forever?"

Bella looked up and met his eyes. When he said it like that, it seemed cruel of her, and she couldn't answer.

"I see." He stood and walked away from her.

She fell to her knees, choking back a sob and feeling as though she couldn't breathe, as she realized that she was going to lose him now. As she had expected, she had finally screwed up enough that he would walk away, just like everyone else did. An empty feeling engulfed her and she had never felt so alone. If she didn't act now, he would be gone and all of this would be over.

"Edward, wait!" she yelled, but he didn't turn. He continued to walk around the edge of the meadow, stopping to look at the trees, but never at her.

Bella had leapt to her feet to follow him, but froze as he had turned and walked into the tree line.

A gust of wind blew across Bella's face, moving her hair and forcing her to open her eyes. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she looked around, sure she would see Edward, knowing that she had broken his heart. But he wasn't here. He wouldn't ever be in the meadow with her again. Every flash of color in the trees made her wish he would step out, made her wish she could take that day back, could give him the answer he had hoped for, but it was too late.

She looked at the paper on the ground, fluttering in the breeze.

This had been a mistake. Instead of deciding which internships she should apply for, or whether she should stay in Seattle to work, she had come here to relive the worst thing she ever did to Edward.

She stood and stuffed the blanket and the letter into the basket and picked it up, taking a moment to put the compass and the map in her backpack.

As she prepared to leave, her frustration bubbled over. "I can't do this," she said. "It's only making things harder. I don't know how to move forward, and I can't go back. I'm stuck." She growled and the sound reverberated through the trees.

She needed to be out of this place where Edward resided in everything. Now. Her feet couldn't move fast enough as she entered the forest and struggled along the rough path.

After moving for forty-five minutes, she still hadn't reached her truck. She stopped moving and pulled her compass and map out of her backpack, realizing she had been traveling west, not south. Charlie had often told her stories of hikers who lost their way. The first rule, he had said, was to stay calm.

Bella took a deep breath and looked around for any signs of the dirt road or a trail. Figuring out which way she should go, she kept the compass out and picked up her other belongings and started moving again. Between watching the needle as it bounced, and trying to get her bearings, she wasn't paying attention to where she was going. Her foot caught in a large tree root and she fell forward, grimacing at the popping sound from her foot, which was followed by searing pain.

Bella cried out and dropped the basket and her backpack as she rolled to her side, pulling her foot up toward her. Past experience had taught her that she shouldn't untie the laces of her shoe - she needed the pressure to remain on her foot, so she just cradled her foot, crying softly.

When she had regained her composure, she gathered her things and tried to stand, placing some pressure on the injured foot. She moved forward for fiftenn minutes before the injured foot started to throb. After a while longer, sharp pains tore through her leg with every step, and finally, she sagged, sitting down again. There was no way she was going to make it out of the forest on her own.

She reached for her cell phone in the front pocket of her backpack, praying that it would get reception in this area, and dialed Jessica's number. It rang, but nobody answered. She hung up and dialed Angela's number. It rang three times before she heard her friend's voice. Relief flowed through her.

"Bella?" she answered. "Jessica called and told me that you went on a hike. By yourself. Are you already back?"

"Um…no. I need some help, Ang. I hurt my foot, and I got a little off track while I was hiking back to my truck, so I'm not sure exactly where I am."

Angela took a deep breath and responded calmly. "Okay, Bella. I'm going to talk to Ben. We're going to find your truck and start looking for you."

"Thank you, Angela," Bella said before giving her instructions to get to the dirt road.

"But, I'm further west than I'm supposed to be. Honestly, I can probably start hiking out. I just don't want to walk any more than I have to, and my truck won't be where I come out." She could hear her voice quivering.

"We're on our way. Keep your cell phone close, okay?"

Bella agreed, and nearly felt like crying when she hung up. She tried to put weight on her foot again, and was able to move toward where she thought the edge of the forest would be. But, the pain got to her quickly, and she had to sit on a moss-covered log and rest, knowing that she hadn't made much progress.

Hunger started to burn in her stomach, and she thought of the sandwich she hadn't touched. She opened the basket and took it out, unwrapping it. It was the exact sandwich she always ordered, and she choked on a half-laugh, half-sob as she bit into it.

Her thoughts returned to the day she had thought about earlier.

Edward had forgiven her, of course, returning to her side after ten minutes.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I didn't mean what I said. You aren't ruining us. I am."

He took a deep breath and looked at her. "I understand that you are afraid of relationships. I even get that you are scared of losing what we have, but Bella, you can't push me away forever. It's not fair to us. To me."

His eyes showed the pain he was feeling and she started to cry.

"I don't deserve you. Maybe it's time that you figure that out. I may never be the girl who says she wants to be married. I might be incapable of ever having that kind of relationship."

He kissed her forehead. "I don't believe you." He sat next to her, cross-legged, and pulled her onto his lap. His arms wrapped tightly around her, keeping her close to his body.

"So, you're not leaving? You won't give up on me, even though I don't want to get married?"

Edward leaned forward and whispered in her ear. "Yet. And I'll never leave you. I can't. It's time you figure that out."

"Edward, I can't promise that I'll change. Right now, I'm not sure I can ever make that kind of commitment. But, I love you, and I'm willing to try."

He took her hand in his and stroked the back of it. "I'll wait."

"I'm glad," she said, snuggling into his side.

Her cell phone rang and she snapped out of the memory.

"We're here, by your truck. Do you have any idea of how far west we need to go to find you?" Angela asked, breathless.

Bella sighed. "I'm not really sure. I'll walk a little further. Yell. Maybe I can find you."

They ended the call and Bella stood, cautiously placing weight on her foot again. It hurt worse than before, and she knew she wouldn't be able to travel far. She started to hobble forward, straining to hear her friend's voice.

She struggled forward several times, stopping when the pain became overwhelming. The wind played tricks on her, making her think she heard people talking a few times. But, she would yell, and nobody would answer. A glance at her watch made her heart stutter. She'd been in the forest for hours. The light was changing, and she realized it was dusk.

It wasn't Angela that she finally did hear, but a deep man's voice. "Bella, can you hear me?" he yelled.

She yelled back. "Yes. I'm here."

Within minutes, a uniformed officer was approaching her, his partner and Angela close on his heels. "Angela, what did you do?" Bella asked, a little stunned, as she eyed the policemen.

"I didn't know if we'd find you. I called for help."

Angela looked away from Bella as she rolled her eyes.

"My dad…he'll find out."

"Oh, that reminds me," Angela said, pulling out her cell phone and hitting the call button. "Charlie, we found her. You don't have to worry about coming down."

The officer had his arm around Bella's waist, helping her walk, and Angela had picked up the picnic basket and backpack.

"You didn't!" Bella yelled.

Angela looked sheepish. "I did," she said, away from the phone. "No, Charlie. She's fine. We'll take her to get her foot x-rayed. Really, you don't need to come all the way down here."

Ben had caught up with them, and he had moved in on Bella's other side. Between the two men, she barely carried any of her own weight.

"How did you find me so quickly?" Bella asked Ben, trying to ignore the sinking feeling she was getting as Angela spoke with Charlie.

The officer answered. "We caught a break. A couple of other hikers came out of the woods as we arrived. They said they had heard someone moving around in this area. You are very lucky."

Bella nodded. "I know. Did they stick around so that I could thank them?"

Ben shook his head. "They said they had to meet a friend."

Before Bella could respond, Angela's voice came from behind them. "He's coming, Bella" Angela said and Bella groaned. "Oh, and he knows about the letters."

"You told him about the letters? Why would you do that, Ang?"

"He deserves to know. Besides, how else could I explain your reasoning for coming out here alone. Oh, and I should warn you, he's mad."

For just a moment, Bella considered having them leave her there, on the forest floor. Charlie was sure to be pissed that she hadn't told him about the letters. Staying here to be eaten by wild animals might just be preferable. She sagged between the two men.

"Great," she whispered. "Just great."

**A/N**

**My writing would suffer if I didn't have my lovely ladies, GinnyW, Shug and Giselle-lx to talk things over with and to point out my mistakes. 3**

**Thank you for reading! It's an amazing feeling to know someone reads and enjoys my story. **

**Ginny, Shug and I have a contest going. The Beautiful Bellies contest. Write some pregfic for us. Please. I'll post a link on my tumblr. **


	9. Chapter 9 Reality Check from 'The Chief'

Chapter 9 – Reality Check from 'The Chief'

Bella was sitting on a gurney in the emergency room, a small curtain pulled around her for privacy, when she heard the unmistakable 'in charge' voice. Charlie was in full-on police chief mode, with a side dish of upset dad, to boot. She shivered, and her stomach fell. There had only been a few times, ever, when her dad had been this upset. In fact, she really couldn't think of a single incident when she'd upset him this much.

This was not going to be pretty.

"I am looking for Isabella Swan?"

A woman's voice answered. "Oh, are you here to fill out some paperwork? I thought the other officers said they didn't need anything else from her."

Even from where she was sitting, she heard the deep intake of breath.

"I'm not here for paperwork. She's my daughter. I _thought_ she would tell you to be expecting me," he snarled.

The girl's voice was shaky when she responded. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I wasn't here when they brought her in. I'll take you to her."

Bella looked at Angela, who was sitting in a chair next to the bed. She was pretending to read a book, avoiding eye contact.

"This is your fault," Bella hissed at her.

Angela looked up. "My fault? No. Sorry, Bella. I won't take the blame for this one. I wasn't the one who went hiking alone. I had nothing to do with your injury, and I'm not the one who kept an important piece of information from my father."

"Shit," Bella said, looking Angela in the eye. "You didn't have to call him!"

Angela glared at her. "When should I have called, Bella? When you had been missing in the forest for three days? When they found you dead of exposure? Never? He's your dad. He deserved to know that we were worried."

The fight went out of Bella, and she dropped her head. "Sorry," she whispered, just as her father came through the curtain.

"Bella," he said, a note of relief in his voice.

Bella looked up at him through her hair. She didn't want him to see her face yet.

She had never seen a look like this on Charlie's face. His brows were furrowed, and his lips were pursed. But, it was the look in his eyes that hit her in the chest. Charlie had been wounded by her behavior, and, more likely, by her deception.

"I'm sorry, Dad," she said quietly, as his arms wrapped around her.

He didn't say anything at first, just held her in his arms, rocking slightly. She could feel him battle for composure, his chest heaving and his arms shaking. Charlie Swan did not cry in public – but she thought he might right now.

"Really, Dad. I didn't know I'd get lost, but, I'm fine. You don't need to be upset."

Charlie stepped back and placed his hands on her shoulders, pushing slightly so that she would look at him. The fierce look on his face terrified her.

"You don't get a pass on this one, Bells. Look, I'm glad you're okay. Thank God we didn't need to send out a huge rescue party. You've got no idea how scared I was. I've been in too many search and rescue scenarios where the outcome…" He shuddered. "And then I hear that you've been keeping things from me?"

His voice was authoritative and stern, and he was shaking his head as he continued. "You and me, we're going to have a serious conversation when I get you home."

Trying to avoid the confrontation she knew was coming, Bella said, "Dad, Angela stayed so she could drive me home. We can talk now." It seemed like a safer location for the conversation. Angela and the nursing staff would be a great buffer.

Charlie looked at Angela. "Thank you for calling me today. I'll never be able to repay this. You saved Bella."

Angela looked away. "I didn't…"

"No. You did, and I'm grateful. You don't need to stay here, though. I'll be taking Bella home."

Angela looked from Charlie to Bella, shrugged her shoulders at Bella's imploring look, and excused herself. "I'll call you tomorrow, Bella. Night, Charlie." She picked up her purse and her book and stepped out of the curtained area. Bella could hear her shoes squeaking on the tile floor as she walked away.

Charlie moved across the room and slipped into the chair Angela had vacated. Bella refused to look at him. Neither of them spoke.

Nearly twenty minutes passed before the ER doctor came in to talk to her about the results of the x-rays. He was a young man with dark brown hair and a contagious smile. He hesitated when he saw a new person in the room, and Charlie was playing at intimidating him, glaring as he looked at his hospital badge and then sized him up, finally staring right into his eyes.

Bella rolled her eyes as she introduced her father, and told Dr. Jewkes that it was okay to discuss her foot in front of him.

"Great," he said as he attached an x-ray to the panel light on the wall behind Bella, and pointed with his finger as he spoke. "Well, it looks like you have an acute fracture of the first metatarsal bone just below the tarsometatarsal joint. It's not a bad break, and the good news is that it's not displaced. But your foot is swollen, and it's very likely that it will lead to some pretty serious bruising on the top. The pain in your ankle is a sprain, not a break. You probably twisted it pretty good when you fell."

Charlie cleared his throat and shifted in the chair. He looked like he usually did during a visit to the emergency room – completely lost and anxious to get out as quickly as he could.

Dr. Jewkes looked from him to Bella, and she shrugged.

Smiling, she asked, "Okay, so what does that mean as far as healing?"

He put her chart on the bed and moved his fingers around the swelling on her foot. "Well, I don't think we'll use a cast - there's too much swelling right now. We'll put you in a boot. You can take it off to shower, but you may want some help at first. I don't want you to put any weight on the foot for a couple of weeks. I'll write a prescription for crutches, if you don't already have them. For the next couple of days, I would recommend that you stay off of your feet completely. Rest the foot, ice it, keep the boot on it, and keep it elevated."

"RICE," Bella mumbled and the doctor laughed as she added, "And I have crutches."

He gave her a sheet of printed instructions and the number for his office so she could set up a follow-up appointment. When he was finished, he signed her chart and excused himself, telling Charlie he could take her home soon. The nurse came in with Bella's discharge papers a few minutes later.

Bella had never wanted to stay in the hospital. This time, however, she was ready to beg the nurse for a reason to stay.

She avoided talking to Charlie on the way home by calling a friend who had classes with her and asking for help in getting to and from the college later in the week. The professor for her Monday class was the next person she called. They made arrangements for her to take care of the assignments without going to class at all for a couple of weeks.

Charlie was pulling into her driveway when she finally hung up the phone. He helped her into the house and propped her foot on a pillow on the couch. Before she knew it, she had a drink, a fresh ice pack, and a magazine. He'd even called for pizza to be delivered.

He sat down in the chair across from her, and she knew there was no getting away from him. He took a deep breath before he started. "Bella, do you have any idea how much danger you were in?"

"I wasn't very far off of the path, Dad. I think Angela and Ben could have found me without the officers. I know you worry about me, but…"

Charlie stopped her with his look. "You know I've been in search and rescue parties. I know how easy it is to get lost in the forests around here. You only had a few hours of daylight left, you didn't have a heavy jacket, and you were injured. Face it, you were in big trouble. You are extremely lucky that you were found when you were. By the way, you need to call your friend tomorrow and apologize, and then thank her for having more common sense than you did today."

Bella bit her tongue. She wanted to spew a retort, but he was right, and she knew it. Sighing, she nodded, and he continued.

"I want to hear about the letters. Everything about them. No deception, Bella. I'm done with that."

She sighed, but pointed to the kitchen. "They're in the drawer next to the fridge."

Charlie stood and grabbed a tissue out of the box on the coffee table. Bella's eyes followed him as he walked to the kitchen, and she held her breath as she listened to him shuffling through the drawer.

"Is the letter from today in here?" he called from the kitchen.

"No. It's in my truck."

He returned from the kitchen with the letters from the drawer in a zip-loc bag. "I'll be right back."

Ben had driven her truck home earlier that day, leaving the keys in her mailbox. Charlie grabbed them and headed toward the truck. She heard the door open and close, and then his footsteps as he came back to the house. He had the picnic basket and her backpack with him.

"Are there any others?"

Her heart dropped. "There was a letter in the meadow. Hooked to the blanket."

Charlie shook his head. "There was a blanket in the meadow?"

"And the picnic basket," she admitted.

Charlie walked into the kitchen and returned with a towel, picking up the basket. Bella watched him, puzzled.

"What are you doing, Dad?"

"It's evidence. I'm putting it in my car." He walked out of the door again, and she heard his trunk close after a few seconds.

When he came back into the house, he paced for a few minutes before dropping into the arm chair that faced her. He didn't look at her for a while, and when he did, his brows were furrowed and he was pale.

"You really didn't wonder who would be sending you letters and leaving picnics for you in the middle of nowhere? I thought I taught you better than that." His teeth were clamped together, and the words hissed between them.

"Someone is just trying to help me. They know I lost Edward…"

Charlie cut her off. "You didn't lose Edward, Bella. He was taken from you. Someone started that fire. They probably knew he was going to be in that building." Rising, he started pacing again, moving back and forth in front of her. "I know I haven't been completely forthcoming with you about this, but you have to know that his death wasn't an accident."

She gasped. A tear formed in her eye and she could feel it start to move down her cheek. "Someone killed him? On purpose?"

Charlie squatted next to the couch and took Bella's hand. "I think they did."

"But, why? How could that happen? He never hurt anyone. Are you sure it wasn't an accident?" Her hands reached toward him.

Charlie sat again, and shuffled for a moment before he looked at her. "I can't tell you everything, but I will tell you that Edward was going to defend Howard Leitner in a fraud case. Leitner was involved with a company from overseas. We think they have ties to some pretty shady people, but we can't find proof. It seems there's a lot more involved than fraud. One of the people investigating the case for the prosecutor's office disappeared in Europe shortly after Edward died. The case still hasn't gone to trial, and they really don't know if it will."

"But, if he was going to defend Leitner, why would someone hurt him?" Bella asked, tears flowing freely now.

"Honey, Edward was an honest man. Do you really think that he would continue to defend someone who was deeply involved in illegal activities? Jay told us that Edward called him at the office that day. He said that he had reason to believe their client was in bigger trouble than they originally thought, and that he wasn't sure he wanted to continue with the case. We think he may have stumbled onto something that even Leitner didn't want him to know."

Charlie picked up the tissue box and handed it to Bella, allowing her to clean her face before he continued.

"You heard that the fire was arson. There was an explosion, and the investigators found the source. It was on a timer. But, they haven't been able to find the accelerant that made the building burn so quickly. There was something, I know there was." There was a look of determination on his face that she recognized from her teen years.

"Dad?"

Charile looked at her. "What is it, Bells?"

"How long have you known about the investigation? Why didn't you tell me?"

He squeezed her hand. "Since the day it happened. I didn't say anything to you because you already had enough to deal with. I didn't want to make things worse for you. But, I've been worried about you. I think maybe you should move back to Forks. I want you to be close to me."

She shook her head. "Dad, I have school. And my house. I can't just _move_."

"The letters could be written by the same person who set the fire. I don't like the idea of you being here alone."

"They aren't from that person. I know it."

"How can you know that?" Charlie looked her straight in the eyes. "You have no idea who sent those letters, do you?"

"They aren't from someone who Edward was investigating. I know it. I feel it in my gut. Whoever it is knows too much about my life with him. They know things that I thought only Edward and I knew."

Charlie slapped the top of the coffee table with enough force to make it rattle. "That's what worries me the most. You trusted this person enough to go out into the forest on your own. You could have been seriously injured - or worse. And from what Angela said, these letters have hurt you emotionally. The day after Valentine's - that was because of a letter, wasn't it?"

Bella nodded. "It's not the letters, Dad. It's me. I'm the one who can't handle memories of Edward without breaking down."

"And you don't think the person who is writing the letters knows that?" His voice was getting louder. "If they have been watching you, as I suspect they have, they would know that it hurts you to get them." Charlie stood and started to pace.

Bella couldn't remember ever seeing him so wound up. She couldn't think of a time when he'd spoken so much.

The letters had caused her some pain, but it wasn't as bad as he was saying. She wanted to explain that the hurt she felt after receiving a letter was different. The pain she felt when she remembered Edward was a reminder that she was still alive. It was better than the empty ache she normally felt. She craved the letters.

"They're helping me," was all she managed.

Charlie stopped and turned to look at her. His eyes were narrowed and his skin was getting red. "Honestly? You think that pulling you into a breakdown is helping you?"

"It's not like that, Dad. I know that it hurts to remember Edward, but I can't avoid it. And, I feel…I feel _something_ when I think about Edward. I feel like I'm alive again, like I'm not with him in that urn." Bella was breathing hard when she finished. Charlie looked like he had been slapped.

He moved his mouth, starting to say something, but no sound came out. His mouth snapped shut, and he turned to walk into the kitchen.

When the doorbell rang several minutes later, he answered, paid for the pizza, and walked directly back to the kitchen. She could hear him moving around, and winced when he came back with a slice of pizza on a plate, handing it to her. His face was blank.

Bella picked at the slice of pizza, nibbling a little around the edges, before speaking again. "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Dad."

Charlie sat in the chair across from Bella. His eyes were rimmed in red. "You didn't hurt my feelings. I just…I didn't know you were struggling so much. I mean, I knew that you were having a hard time. I've seen it. But, to think that you feel like you stopped living when Edward died…" He leaned toward her, raising his arms, his hands twitching, a look of pain on his face – and then dropped his arms and slumped back into the chair. "I wish I could take your pain away, Bella. I don't want you to spend the next twenty years wishing that you'd gone on living instead of hiding."

Bella shuffled on the couch and held her arms up, motioning for Charlie to move to her for a hug. He did.

"I'll be okay, Dad."

Charlie's hand patted her back. "I know. But Bells, you have to make me a promise."

Bella pulled back, sure that she already knew what he was going to ask. "Okay."

"If another letter arrives, don't touch it. Call me."

She didn't want to agree. The letters were hers, and she _knew_ that they weren't from someone who was trying to hurt her. But she couldn't. There was no way to explain her gut feeling about this, and chances were that Charlie was right.

"All right," she said. "I will."

Charlie stood and moved back to the chair, satisfied that he had accomplished what he set out to do. When he had settled in and grabbed his plate off of the coffee table, he smirked at Bella. "You know, that Dr. Jewkes was a pretty good looking guy. Maybe hurting your foot was a good thing."

"Not gonna happen." She smiled sweetly at him.

"Why not? I think he liked you." Charlie was pushing. "He smiled at you. A lot."

"He doesn't play for my team, Dad."

"Why would you say that? He seemed like he was checking you out." Charlie's cheeks pinked up as he said it.

Bella giggled. "Checking me out? Really?" She decided to let Charlie off the hook. "He was kissing his boyfriend goodbye when the EMTs brought me into the ER."

Charlie choked on the bite of pizza he was eating, and Bella laughed out loud as he tried to regain his composure.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella snuggled into her pillow, pulling her comforter up around her neck. She was lying on her back - not her favorite position to sleep in - and her dad had helped her prop her foot. She needed to keep it elevated. He handed her a pain pill and a bottle of water.

Reluctantly, she swallowed the Lortab. They had always knocked her out, and she hated to take them, but the ache in her foot was turning into a sharp pain, and she really wanted to be able to sleep. She was exhausted from the day. Within fifteen minutes, her eyelids were drooping. When her eyes finally closed, she felt her head spinning as she drifted out of reality and into a strange dream.

She was in the meadow again, sprawled on a blanket, laughing as she watched Edward fight to keep a giant red and yellow sport kite in the air.

"It's a lost cause today. The wind isn't strong enough, and you're going to end up losing the kite in the trees."

He turned his head and smiled at her, shrugging slightly. Edward didn't give up easily, and he had planned on trying some aerial stunts today.

Bella decided to bring out the big guns, and started to pull her shirt over her head as she stood, calling to him. "Hey, Edward."

She could tell when his fingers loosened their grip on one of the strings, so she continued her strip-tease, sliding her shorts down her hips. The kite sagged on one side and started to drop toward the top of the trees. Edward dropped the spools of Spectra and moved toward her. One of the spools bumped his knee as it fell to the ground, and he stopped long enough to look at it as it unwound.

When he tried to move again, he stopped as though he'd hit a wall. His expression changed to one of confusion as he pushed, trying to get past the invisible barrier that blocked his path. His fists hit the air as he fought to get to her, but he couldn't make forward progress. With horror, Bella watched as flames flared up in front of Edward. He couldn't walk forward, and with the flames encircling him, he wouldn't be able to escape in the other direction.

"Edward!" she screamed, as she tried to approach him. It was too hot. She fell back, unable to stand the heat.

His lips were moving. She stopped yelling, struggling to hear him.

"I'm so sorry. The fire…I couldn't get away from it." The flames flared around him, popping loudly, and she could barely make out his voice. "I never stopped thinking of you, even as my body was consumed and burning, you were the only thing I could see. They took me away from you, Bella, but I still love you. That will never change. I'm yours, forever."

She sensed movement behind him, but couldn't see through the fire to make out what or who was there.

His arms reached through the flames. She was frozen in place, barely able to move when she started to hear the sound of screams. Unseen hands grabbed her, shaking her violently. She thrashed, fighting against the person who was holding her, her fists landing hard blows against soft skin.

"Bella, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Wake up." Charlie's voice was panicked.

She gasped and sat up in her bed. Strong arms pulled her toward her father, and she shook as he embraced her.

"It's going to be okay, I promise. Calm down. This is my fault. I've upset you." His voice hitched.

Bella relaxed her body as much as she could, trying to control the shivering, but there was no way to erase the images in her mind:

Edward, standing in the middle of the flames, burning.

**A/N**

**As always, I owe a debt of gratitude to GinnyW, Shug, and Giselle-lx. They make my work better. I will never be able to say 'Thanks' enough.**

**Thank you to everyone who has read, favorited, alerted, or reviewed. I love the theories you've come up with. I enjoy hearing from you all, and any words are appreciated. You all make writing fanfic a more enjoyable experience. **

**I apologize for my slow posting on this chapter. 'Real life' wanted some attention, and I couldn't deny it. **


	10. Chapter 10 Irritation

Chapter 10 – Irritation

_Crutches are a pain in the ass_, Bella thought as she hurried to get her cell phone. She'd used them before, but this time they seemed especially irritating. She hadn't been able to drive for two weeks, and her underarms were sore from hobbling around. The boot on her foot was itchy and hot. And there was no way for her to do a simple task, like running to the grocery store, by herself. Her home had become her prison.

She stumbled in the hallway as the bottom of one crutch grabbed the baseboard she hadn't quite cleared, and she nearly went down.

"Shit!" she screamed. Her frustration was coming to a head as she listened to her phone ringing in the bedroom. "Goddamn, motherfucking, son of a bitch, pain in the ass, piece of shit crutch!" Her arm whipped out with the crutch, hitting the baseboard with the offending piece of metal.

Cursing didn't help her get to the phone before it stopped, but it made her feel much better. Edward would be laughing out loud, if he were here, she was sure of it. She had never sworn in front of him, and he teased her relentlessly about it.

Taking a deep breath, she pulled herself back up, got the crutches under her armpits again, and hobbled the rest of the way to her room to see who called.

Charlie. Again.

If she weren't frustrated before, she certainly was now. He was relentless. He had called her every day, at least three times a day, to check on her. Each time he called, she knew that he would ask, again, if she'd received another letter, and she'd assure him, again, that she hadn't. She dropped the phone on the bed, wishing she could avoid his call, but it began to ring again, like she'd known it would. Sighing, she reached for it. If she didn't answer a second time, Charlie would call in the cavalry.

"Hello, Dad," she said, her voice barely concealing her irritation.

"What happened, Bella? Why didn't you answer the phone? Are you hurt?"

She sighed loudly. "I'm on crutches. It's not easy to get to the phone if I'm not in the same room."

"Oh." Charlie seemed mollified, if not slightly embarrassed. "Well, I'm glad you're okay. So…"

Bella cut him off. "No. I haven't received any letters. I don't have any idea who sent them."

He cleared his throat. "You will tell me if you get one, right?"

Her temper spiked. "I told you I would," she snapped at him.

"You didn't before." His voice was changing pitch, and she knew he was getting upset. "You kept the whole letter thing secret."

With that, she lost any remaining patience. "Oh, you mean like you kept it a secret that you were helping to investigate Edward's death? Or, should I say, his murder? You have some nerve, Charlie, being upset with me for not telling you about the letters. You didn't say one word to me about your suspicions. Edward might have been murdered, and you were worried his murderers might come after me, and you didn't tell me."

"I've had someone keeping an eye on you since I found out about the letters, making sure you were safe. I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, Bella."

Charlie couldn't have chosen a worse thing to say.

"You did what?" she huffed.

There was silence on the line. He knew he'd made a mistake in disclosing that he was having her watched. She thought about the way her mail had been neatly organized the last few days.

"Are they watching my mail?"

He stuttered. "Well…I…ah…they…"

Her finger hovered above the end button, ready to hang up on her father.

"I'm sorry," he finally managed.

"For what, Dad? For going through my mail? For not telling me about the investigation? Just what is it that you're sorry for, exactly?" Her voice was high-pitched, matching her irritation level.

Charlie was silent for a full minute. He finally answered her. "I'm sorry I upset you, Bella. I was trying to protect you. I hope you aren't too angry with me."

Bella ground her teeth together. Charlie was asking for forgiveness, in his own way, but she wasn't ready to accept his apology.

"I'm turning off my phone for a while. I need some time. Oh, and Dad, tell them to leave my mail alone. At least trust me."

He sighed. "I'll tell them to let you be in charge of your own mail. I do trust you."

"I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay. Bye, Bella." He sounded resigned.

She pressed the end button and then turned off the phone, not wanting to talk to anyone else right now. There were other things she needed to deal with, more important things.

A dull ache settled in her chest as she pulled a paper out of her pocket. Elizabeth had given her a phone number when she stopped by to bring her dinner the night before. Career Gear. It was the perfect place for her to send all of Edward's suits and ties, and Elizabeth was gently pushing her to clear them out of the closet and put them to good use. Elizabeth knew that Bella was stalling, and she was trying to help her move forward.

Bella knew she needed to do it. But packing the suits in boxes, and contacting someone to take them away, felt so final. It made losing Edward more real. As long as the suits were hanging in the closet, she could pretend he was only away on another trip. Once they were gone, she'd have to face the reality of his loss in a whole new way.

Standing, she steadied herself on the crutches and opened the door, turning to face his side of the walk-in closet. His suits were organized by color, two of them still in dry cleaning bags. Dress shirts were hung by color, too, and his tie rack was full. Looking at them made her feel like crying.

She ran her hand along the clothes, feeling the fabric under her fingers, before she pulled a white dress shirt off of the hanger and returned to the bed, bringing it to her nose. There was no trace of his scent, but she could still imagine it. As she held the shirt, she thought about how much he loved to see her wearing one, with nothing else.

In fact, it had been a night when she wore his dress shirt that he had finally convinced her to take a huge step.

Angela had been out of the apartment, studying with a group of friends. Edward had come over right after work to pick her up for dinner, but she had decided to meet him at the door with an alternate plan. It wasn't often they had time alone in the apartment. She had dragged him into her bedroom and loosened his tie before unbuttoning his shirt and pushing it off of his shoulders, along with his suit jacket.

It hadn't taken Edward long to give up on his idea of dinner. He'd crawled onto the bed with her, helping her undress. His soft kisses turned harder, and his caresses made her ache for him. As they made love, she listened for the front door, afraid that Angela would come back early.

After, Bella put Edward's shirt on and headed to the kitchen to get them something to eat. When she walked back into the room, he groaned. "Do you have any idea what seeing you in my shirt does to me?" he asked.

"Should I put your tie on, too?" She laughed as she handed him a plate of heated up lasagna. He took her plate from her and put both of them on the nightstand before grabbing her, pulling her closer and kissing her neck. His hands wandered up and down her back underneath the shirt.

"We don't have time, Edward. Angela will be back soon," she protested. "You'll have to leave soon."

"Are you really going to kick me out tonight?" He was pouting.

Bella rolled her eyes. "You know how Angela feels about this. She would freak if I allowed you to stay all night."

Edward's hands stopped moving. He held her against his chest and whispered in her ear. "Bella, what if I said I wanted to hold you all night? Not just tonight, either. I want to wake up every day, holding you, smelling your hair and feeling your overly warm body snuggled up with mine."

She sighed. "You know we can't do that here, and you live with two other guys. They would have a field day with me staying overnight there."

"It doesn't have to be at either of our apartments."

Shaking her head, she replied, "What are you talking about, Edward? You know we can't afford to get hotel rooms all of the time."

His hands cradled her face, and he looked her in the eyes. "My lease is up at the end of next month, and I don't want to sign another one with the guys. They were fun right after college, but I'm not interested in their kind of fun anymore. I could look into what it would take to get you out of your lease."

Bella sucked in a deep breath - but didn't speak.

"We could always get a place together, Bella. Just the two of us. No roommates. No embarrassing moments. And I could wake up every morning to your beautiful face."

"But…"

"But, what?" he asked. "I'm not asking you to marry me. I'm not putting a ring on your finger or asking you to sign anything that says you are committed to me. I just want to live with _you_, instead of two really dorky guys. Yours is the face I want to see in the morning. "

Laughing, she said, "Let me think about it."

Edward beamed. "You'll consider it?"

She nodded, and he twisted to toss her on the bed before climbing out to lock the bedroom door. Bella wasn't sure when Angela returned that night. It was the first night that Edward had stayed, and her mind was occupied with other things.

The doorbell rang, and Bella sat back up on the bed, smiling at the memory she'd been caught up in.

"Hold on," she yelled as she got to her feet. She was still thinking as she wobbled toward the door. Edward had not only talked her into moving in together, he'd talked her into buying this house with him. Although she was glad she had the home, and that he'd made sure she would never lose it, it hurt to think that it was now hers alone.

When she got to the front door, she shook off the memories and took a deep breath before looking through the peep-hole. Angela was waiting for her.

"I brought the boxes you asked for," she said with a concerned look. "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

Bella nodded and led her friend to the bedroom to box up Edward's dress clothes – minus a few dress shirts. She couldn't bear to let them all go.

~X~X~X~X~X~

In the morning, Bella couldn't walk into the closet to get ready for her classes. She pondered what she had that might be in her drawers instead and came up with a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. It wasn't really the image she wanted to have, but there was no way she was facing the half-empty walk-in. Besides the five dress shirts, there was nothing left on his side, except his robe and slippers. For some reason, she couldn't part with them.

She pulled her hair into a loose ponytail and prepared to leave, adjusting her backpack over her shoulders before heading to the living room to watch for her friend, Anne. If it hadn't been for Anne's help getting to and from school, she would be floundering.

Opening the front door, she reached for the newspaper - a tricky move with her crutches. After adjusting them as she stood, she pulled the plastic bag away from the paper. A slip of paper fell out, and she bent, trying to grab it. Her crutches went out from under her, and she ended up sitting on the floor, but she barely noticed.

The paper was small and folded in half. Nothing was written on the outside, but when she opened it her eyes grew wide and she put a hand over her mouth to stifle her surprised cry. The precise handwriting was unexpected; she'd only ever seen it on the letters she'd received.

_**You are an amazingly strong woman. **_

That was it. A simple message. She turned it over, looking for something, anything that would clue her in to where it came from. Nothing more was written on the paper.

For one very brief moment, she considered calling Charlie to tell him about the note. But she was still angry with him. Besides, they had yet to find so much as a fingerprint that didn't belong to her, Jess, or Mike, on the other letters.

This message was meant to soothe her after she had given away so many of Edward's belongings. There was no doubt in her mind that the person who had left it knew what she had done. Tears of gratitude filled her eyes. These were words she needed, words she hardly believed but wished she could.

A honking horn reminded her that she was supposed to be leaving. She struggled to get to her feet and grab her backpack, glancing at the paper once again before folding it and putting it in the pocket. Just this once, she thought, she was going to keep the message for herself, telling no one.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Finals were coming, and the work Bella had to do for her classes kept her busy. It had been weeks since she'd received the message that was still folded in her backpack. The paper was getting worn from the times she had taken it out to read it and remind herself that she was strong enough to get through all of this.

Angela had helped her put together a very professional resume, and she'd been sending it to the firms she hoped to be working for in the near future. There had been a positive response, and six interviews had resulted. Today, she was going to interview with the head architect at Bowen and Barnes, the firm where she had interned the previous summer.

Nerves were getting the better of her, making it impossible to button the blouse she had chosen. Angela took pity on her and stepped closer, helping her to button the last three.

"You are going to get this one. It's yours. They loved you when you were there last year." She smiled at Bella and helped to straighten her jacket.

"But there are so many applicants. I haven't done my best work this year, I've been too distracted. And what if…"

Angela held a hand up, stopping her rant. "Just relax. Go in there and remind them why they loved you. You'll be fine."

Bella wasn't convinced, but she really did need to get out the door if she planned to be there on time. Angela was going to drive, and she hurried to the living room to get her bag.

"Oh, I forgot. I carried your newspaper in when I got here," Angela called back to Bella. "It's on the table. Do you mind bringing it? I can read it while you're inside."

"Sure. I'll grab it," Bella said as she hobbled into the kitchen. Picking up the paper and sliding it out of the protective bag, she was grateful to have two hands. The doctor had finally given her permission to walk on her foot a little each day.

She was ready to tuck the newspaper into the large bag she was carrying when she noticed something fluttering to the table. Her heart raced and her fingers were shaking as she reached for the small piece of paper, opening it quickly.

_**This is the one. You'll nail it. Good luck.**_

For a moment, Bella couldn't breathe. She stared at the words, stunned.

"Bella, are you ready?"Angela asked from the front door.

Without turning, Bella answered, "Yes. I'll be right there." She quickly shoved the newspaper in the bag she carried, unzipping a small pocket and tucking the note inside. There was no time to worry about telling anyone about this note. At least not right now, she reasoned.

Before she stepped into the office for her interview, she reached into the pocket of her bag and fingered the note, giving herself courage to walk inside with her head held high.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella was busy in the kitchen, gathering glasses and a bowl full of ice to carry back to her friends in the living room, when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," Scott called out.

Picking up the tray, she moved out of the kitchen and stopped when she realized that there was a pizza delivery man at the door.

"Did one of you call for pizza?" Bella asked.

"We thought you did," Anne said. "Scott said it was already paid for."

Scott walked into the room with three pizza boxes in his arms. "There's a receipt, I think, on the top box." He nodded his head, indicating a folded piece of paper that was taped to the cardboard.

Bella gasped. She thought she knew what the paper was, and she didn't really want someone else to see it. Placing the tray on the coffee table, she reached for the paper and walked back to the kitchen, opening it as she went.

_**You're working so hard. Eat. Enjoy. You're almost there.**_

"Who ordered the pizza, Bella?" Scott called from the living room.

"A friend," she answered, as she folded the paper and put it in her pocket, rejoining her study group in the living room. They were already eating pizza.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The fourth note came on the morning that Bella drove herself to the school for the first time since her accident. Nervous that the boot would make it difficult for her to maneuver the pedals, she hadn't slept much the night before. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and her fingers twisted it as she walked toward her truck. She wasn't paying attention and nearly missed the paper on her seat.

It wasn't as much a surprise as the previous notes had been, but her hands still shook as she picked it up and opened it.

_**Be safe.**_

Two words that held a world of meaning. Tears rolled down her cheeks, with the knowledge that someone still cared about her safety.

There was no easy excuse for not telling Charlie or her friends this time. The truth was that she wanted this to be hers, and hers alone. These notes hadn't led her wrong, they hadn't triggered memories that hurt, they hadn't put her in any dangerous situations. Besides, Charlie had never been able to link the notes to anyone. There was no evidence connected to them, which frustrated him. Bella wasn't sure if his investigation was going anywhere, or if he was grasping at straws, trying to find a reason his daughter had lost someone she loved.

Bella shook her head, clearing thoughts of Charlie from her mind, and held the note to her lips, kissing it gently. "I'll try."

~X~X~X~X~X~

That night, when Bella finally unwound enough that she could sleep, she curled under the covers and looked at the picture of Edward on the nightstand. Her fingers stroked the glass over his face - she missed touching him. Life had been so busy that she had been able to push most memories to the background. Tonight, though, they flooded her mind. The simple reminder to 'be safe' had brought them all to the front of her thoughts.

"I miss you," she whispered. "I miss the way you took care of me. I still love you, and I don't know if I'll ever love anyone else that way."

She was lonely, in a way she had never been. The fact that she was getting used to sleeping alone, that she hadn't thought of him endlessly, disturbed her.

"I wish you were here to help me finish school. I need to talk to you, to have you with me."

The picture was in her hands now. She tucked the paper with the words 'Be Safe' into the edge of the frame, pulled it against her - holding it in his place - as she drifted off to sleep.

The images in her mind were sharp and immediate.

Edward was smiling at her. He reached toward her to tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. "You look lovely today, Bella." Kissing her lips softly, he stroked her cheek with his long fingers.

Bella nuzzled her cheek into his large hand, basking in his touch.

She realized that they were standing on the campus of UDub, near her advisor's office. "I'm not going to pass this final, Edward. I've been too distracted to study. I'm not ready."

He took her hand, leading her across the campus to the library. "You just need a little time to study. You already know all of this. I won't distract you, I promise."

They walked through the doors, but it wasn't the library at all. The doors opened on the meadow. Wildflowers bloomed all around her, and the sky was cloudless and blue. Edward chuckled. "Sorry, it was just such a beautiful day. I wanted to bring you somewhere more relaxing." He took her hand and walked to a red blanket that was spread in the middle of the meadow. A picnic basket sat on the edge of the blanket, the top open. A red and yellow kite was flying high above the blanket, tethered to the handles, and she stepped forward to look at it.

"Bella," he said. "Turn around."

He stood, shirtless, with a velvet box in his hands. "I promised you forever. I meant it."

"But you aren't here. How can you still promise me forever?"

Edward stepped forward and pulled her in, kissing her gently. "I'll never be completely gone. We are connected. Forever."

Bella stepped back, trying to look into his eyes. The sun behind him made it impossible to look directly at him, and she squinted, holding a hand up to shield her eyes.

"Everything is going to be okay. I promise," he said, before turning to walk into the trees. "I'll see you again, Bella. This isn't the end." And then he was gone, and the meadow faded to the tan of her bedroom walls.

Bella sat up in her bed, trying to catch her breath. The frame fell to the blankets, and the paper she had tucked into it drifted to the floor.

"Edward?" she called out.

Silence.

"Edward, are you here?"

She looked around the room, trying to get her bearings. He wasn't here. Wouldn't be here again.

"You promised forever," she whispered, wiping her face. "You promised."

A/N

As always, my thanks to my pre-reader GinnyW, and to my betas, Shug and Giselle-lx. I'm also grateful to malianani. She talks me through a lot.

Your kind words and input are always appreciated – reviews are truly love. If you were led to my story by a rec somewhere, please let me know. I would like to be able to thank those who are sending you my way.

So, life is a little less crazy this week. I'm hoping to update more quickly as we get into the meat of this story. Thank you for your patience.


	11. Chapter 11 On the Road Again

Chapter 11 – On the Road Again

May passed with blinding speed. Bella hardly noticed the date, until her finals were finished and Angela suggested getting away for a long weekend.

"Bella, you don't look like you've slept in weeks. I think the stress of finals is wearing you down. Those are some pretty serious dark circles, plus you're starting to look all skinny. You really need to get away."

Bella took a deep breath and turned away from her friend. She wasn't willing to tell Angela that her sleepless nights were not because of schoolwork, but the dreams she had every time she closed her eyes. They left her feeling raw and exposed, and in truth, she was exhausted.

"It might be nice to get away," she said, knowing that no matter where she was, she would dream of Edward.

"Memorial Day would be perfect," Angela told her. "We can kidnap Jess and go have a little girl time. It's been too long since we've done that."

Bella hesitated. "But Memorial Day…"

Angela sighed. "Every day is Memorial Day for you, Bella. The urn is still in your living room, remember. Maybe you should let his parents take care of the interment finally."

A single tear rolled down Bella's cheek, and she explained as Angela reached over to wipe it away. "I can't. Not yet. I just got rid of his clothes."

"I know. I'm sorry," Angela said as she embraced her. "I'm not trying to be insensitive. I just have a big mouth sometimes. And my foot tastes pretty good."

Her attempt at humor had Bella smiling.

"Can I call Jess and tell her we're taking a trip to Vegas or not?" Angela asked. Her fingers were poised to hit the speed dial.

With a deep breath, Bella nodded. "You're right. I need some time away."

Bella walked into her kitchen as Angela placed the call. She could hear the occasional peal of laughter, but she couldn't get excited at the prospect of a trip.

This would be the first time she had left home for any amount of time since _it_ happened, and it was hard to imagine traveling without him.

Closing her eyes, she thought about their trip to Florida last year to see her mother. Their plans had fallen apart when Renee decided to leave suddenly, following Phil to an out of town game. So she and Edward just reserved a hotel room and resolved to enjoy the trip anyway. They visited SeaWorld, Disneyworld, the Epcot Center, and any other touristy destination Edward could find.

Edward had done his best to distract her from the fact that her mother had chosen a baseball game over time with her. He'd done a great job of it, but there really was no way to lessen the sting. Bella didn't doubt that Edward would have shielded her from the fact that Renee had chosen a game over a trip to Seattle for his funeral, too.

When Angela touched her arm, she jumped, cringing at the thought of her mother.

"Are you okay?" Angela asked.

"Yeah. Fine. I was just thinking about our trip to Florida last summer."

"Your mom," Angela growled, disgusted.

Bella just shrugged.

"Well, I have good news, at least. Jess says she's in. Mike has to work most of that weekend, anyway. And he wants to golf with a couple of buddies. I think we're doing him a favor."

They laughed at that thought, and before Bella knew it, Angela had her laptop on the coffee table, looking at airline tickets and hotel rooms.

"Should we stay at The Venetian? I hear it's really nice." Angela's excitement was catching, and Bella found herself starting to feel good about the trip.

Until Angela found the suite. "Look! It's the Bella Suite. You know we have to stay there. It's your suite, after all. You never told me you had a suite named after you. Think of the trips we could have taken."

She forced herself to smile at Angela's joke, but the joy was lost, and she was starting to grapple with the fear of leaving home – and Edward's urn.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella awoke screaming – again.

As usual, she was calling his name, tears streaming down her cheeks. She wiped her face and shook herself, trying to be free of the fear that enveloped her. A quick glance around her room reassured her that she was at home, safe. The luggage sitting on the chair next to the bed reminded her that today was the day she would leave for Vegas.

Her hands were shaking as she pulled her comforter up to her chin.

Every night the nightmares got worse. In each one, Edward would reach for her, calling her name as he burned or simply vanished. Today, she had felt the disembodied hands that reached toward her through the flames, grasping her ankles and her wrists and pulling her toward them.

Edward had shouted, "Not her. Leave Bella alone!" She looked toward him, watching as arms wrapped around him and dragged him away. "Run!" he yelled.

Shuddering at the thought of Edward being taken from her, she wished that she had never heard Charlie's theories, that the idea that Edward had been murdered had never entered her mind. It only gave her subconscious more material.

She was starting to worry that her nightmares would frighten Angela and Jessica. They had no idea that she'd been falling apart slowly. After everything that had happened, Bella was afraid to tell anyone what was going on. If she woke up screaming and shaking, sweat coating her body, her friends would know it wasn't the first time it had happened. One look at her dark circles would be all the evidence they needed.

Sighing, she threw back the covers and clambered out of bed, rushing into the bathroom to force herself to get into the shower. In an hour Jessica would be honking outside.

Dressing quickly, she decided to tidy the house before she left - making sure that everything was in order. Bella realized that she hadn't called to stop her newspaper delivery for the time she would be gone. Grabbing her cell phone as she placed her bag in the living room, she scrolled through her contact list, as she opened the front door to retrieve the morning paper.

She had just told the representative on the phone which days she wouldn't require their service, when she noticed the envelope that was hidden in the inside of her paper. The agent's voice barely registered as she opened the paper and glared at the letter inside. The woman ended the call, but Bella didn't notice.

Her breathing sped up as she relived the last moments of this morning's nightmare. Just seeing the handwriting on the envelope was upsetting today.

_Why today? _ she thought.

Her immediate desire was to grab the envelope and tear it open - revealing the words of her unknown friend, but a deeper reaction took control. Anger. She clenched her teeth as she thought about Charlie's suspicions and his demands to know when she received another one. She was frustrated with the letter writer, too. And the supposed murderer. Edward was even on her list today. If only he hadn't gone into that warehouse…

All of this, the entire situation, had led her to where she was at this moment – exhausted, broken, and alone.

A glance at the clock told her that she had less than ten minutes until she would be expected to walk out the front door, ready to travel. The unexpected letter could make that difficult, and she knew she couldn't deal with it before leaving, or she would never get out the door.

With a determination she had forgotten she possessed, Bella took hold of the corner of the envelope and walked into the kitchen, opening the drawer where she stored the letters that Charlie had finally returned, and dropped it, unopened, inside. She pushed the drawer closed with her hip and charged out of the room, grabbed her luggage and her purse, and marched through the front door, locking it behind her. Jessica pulled up five minutes later.

It took every ounce of energy she had to walk away from her house without going back in to discover what was in the letter. There was no way she would tell Charlie about this before leaving. He'd probably put her under house arrest, banning her from all travel.

Her mood had Angela and Jessica casting worried glances in her direction as they drove to the airport. They would take turns watching her as they waited to board their flight, and then look at each other, raising eyebrows and frowning – as if she wasn't aware of what they were doing. When they started to monitor her on the plane, Bella had had enough. She closed her eyes and pretended to sleep.

With her eyes closed, she could picture Edward sitting in the seat beside her, his hand clasping hers. He would be smiling as he watched her, leaning over to kiss her now and then. God, she missed that smile. She ached with the longing she felt – to touch him again, to see his face, his eyes. Her teeth bit into the inside of her bottom lip, trying to stave off the tears that wanted to fall.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Slot machines and gaming tables had seemed like the perfect way to forget. But, the whole 'what happens in Vegas' scenario wasn't happening for Bella yet. She couldn't even work up enough enthusiasm to drop a coin in as they passed. Once they had settled into the Bella Suite, with its plush beds and Roman tub, and she had been properly teased by her friends about 'her' room, they wandered into the casino. Smoke permeated the air, burning her nostrils, and the sound of bells and of coins dropping into the metal trays was less a distraction than an irritation.

"What do you want to do first?" Jessica asked. Her eyes were glowing as she looked around, considering all of the possibilities. "I'd love to play some craps."

Angela pulled a paper out of her pocket, and scanned the contents. "Let's go buy our show tickets, first. Dinner tonight will be the Excalibur, and tomorrow night we can see Rita Rudner. She seems like the perfect choice for a girls' weekend, right?" Bella was content to go along, so she just followed her to the lobby of the hotel.

"What are we doing on Sunday?" Jessica asked. "Maybe _Phantom of the Opera?_"

Bella shook her head. "I really don't think that's a good idea." She turned and walked away, allowing her friends to finish making plans as she thought about her last trip to the theater to see _Phantom_, with Edward. He had looked absolutely stunning in his tuxedo, and she had ended up staring at him most of the night instead of the actors.

When he had suggested the trip the 5th Avenue Theater, she'd resisted. But he had a way of talking her into things, and this was no different. After the play, she was so excited, that he had ended up getting them season tickets, tickets that she had recently given to Ed and Elizabeth.

Angela's hand on her arm startled her, and she jumped.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." Angela looked at her curiously. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. Really." Bella could see the way Angela was examining her face, trying to figure out what had happened.

"We aren't going to see _Phantom_. In fact, I hope you brought some walking shoes, because the concierge just told us about a little red rock canyon not very far from here. He said that we might enjoy taking a day trip to see it. That's what we're doing on Sunday, if you think your foot can take it."

"My foot should be fine for a short hike, but are you sure you want to go hiking?" Bella asked.

"He says it's not a big hike, but it's pretty. He thinks we'll enjoy it," Jessica said as she joined them. "But right now, I have some money in my pocket, and I'm feeling lucky." She grabbed Bella's arm and led her back into the casino.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Angela programmed the coordinates of Valley of Fire State Park into the rental car's GPS unit before they left Vegas.

"It looks like it will take us about an hour to get there," Angela said, examining the screen. "Should we stop and get some bottled water on the way?"

Bella just nodded, and Jess pulled into a gas station. It was still early, but the air was warm and there was already heat rising off of the pavement. They each grabbed a couple of bottles, and a few snack foods for the ride. Bella climbed into the back seat and laid her head against it, closing her eyes and relaxing. Before long, she was drifting off. She hadn't slept much the last two nights, fighting against it so that she could avoid the nightmares she'd been having.

"Is she asleep?" Jess asked.

Angela hesitated for a moment, probably checking to see if Bella was sleeping, then answered, "I think?."

"Good. I don't think she's slept much since we've been here. I heard her walking around the suite early this morning, and when she did sleep for a while, I swear she must have been having some horrible dream - she was thrashing around and muttering. I'm worried about her," Jess said.

Angela sighed before agreeing. "I thought things were getting better, but since she gave his clothes to charity, she's been a mess. Maybe now that she's finishing her degree, she'll relax. I don't know how to help her."

"Mike thinks she should start seeing a therapist."

Bella stiffened at that thought. Could she really talk to someone about the things she'd been feeling since Edward died? Would they think she was not coping well enough?

"That's never a bad idea," Angela said. "I wonder if she would consider it."

Bella could hear Jess moving as she peeked back over the seat. "He's worried about the letters, Ang. Charlie called him a few weeks ago to talk about them," she whispered, and Bella tried to pay closer attention without opening her eyes.

"What did he say?" Angela whispered back.

Her voice even quieter than before, Jessica responded, "The only fingerprints on the letters were Bella's. Either the person sending the letters is a master at cleaning up after himself, or…"

"Or what?"

Jess sighed loudly. "Charlie wonders if Bella wrote the letters."

"But you were there when she got the first one. You said she was taken by surprise. Do you really think she's making the whole thing up? I find that hard to swallow. I really doubt she would write herself letters that send her into the woods alone."

"Well, Charlie talked to a police psychologist in Seattle about it. He said that sometimes people do things that they aren't really aware of…"

"You think that Bella is sending the letters to herself, and she doesn't know it?" Angela's voice was bordering on incredulous, but the hint of doubt made Bella cringe. "I don't know, Jess. I just can't believe that Bella is that upset. Things have been hard, but I just don't want to believe this. It's not like her."

Jess didn't answer.

They were silent for a while, and Bella was tempted to tell them that she was awake. Until Jessica spoke again.

"You're right, I know. We just…well, we can't figure out why she won't let go of the urn. Mike's mom thinks it's unnatural to keep it like she is. I mean, I understand that she lost the man she loves, but shouldn't she be getting better by now?"

Bella bit the inside of her cheek, trying to keep up the façade of sleep. At this point, she didn't want anything to do with this conversation, and she wanted to cry even less. She needed to get out of the car, and away from Jessica, as quickly as she could.

The car turned off of the main highway, and the tires seemed to find every bump. Bella's head bounced against the seat, and she nearly gave up her pretense, but Angela's soft voice stopped her.

"She lost the only person who she's ever loved who hasn't deserted or disappointed her in some way, Jess. Cut the girl some slack."

If they looked back now, Bella was in trouble. Tears were escaping from her eyes. She shifted in the seat to turn the other way, hoping they would just think she was moving in her sleep.

After a minute, Jess replied, "Yeah, I guess you're right. He was so perfect for her, and he understood what she needed."

They were silent for the rest of the drive.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella had hiked a little ahead of her friends as they explored the red rock outcroppings and arches. Jessica snapped pictures of the scenery and her friends every now and then, and had even handed the camera to a couple of hikers who were returning to their cars.

"Will you take a couple of pictures of the three of us?" she asked with a smile. The hikers agreed and snapped a few pictures of them in front of an impressive arch.

When they had gone a little further, Jess spoke up. "I'm starving. I had no idea we'd spend this much time here. Can we go back?"

Angela held up her empty water bottle. "It's a lot hotter than I expected. We really should turn around."

The heat was quickly sapping Bella's strength, too, and her foot was starting to ache, so she agreed and they all turned around to hike back. As they walked, Angela and Jessica talked about a concert they had attended a few months ago. They had invited Bella, but she had opted out, citing the need to study. She tuned out most of what they said, turning to her own thoughts. She'd been replaying the conversation she'd overheard in the car all morning. Should she say something? Maybe it was better to leave it alone. They still have nearly two days to spend together, and she didn't want to make it tense.

When she reached the car, she climbed into the back seat and watched as her friends climbed in. They were still talking quietly, stealing glances at her. It was easy to ignore them. Bella put in her earbuds and turned on her iPod, putting her head back against the seat and closing her eyes.

She stayed there until the car stopped unexpectedly.

Bella sat up. Steam was billowing out from under the hood of the car, while a strange hissing sound filled the interior.

"What's going on?" she asked, pulling the earbuds out of her ears.

Jessica looked back at her, panic in her eyes. "We're overheating," she said through tears.

"We can just call Triple A," Bella said, digging her phone out of her backpack.

Angela showed her the phone in her hand. "No signal. We're pretty much in the middle of nowhere. It's nineteen miles from the freeway to the Valley of Fire, and I think we're somewhere around the halfway mark. Nobody has passed us in either direction, and it's getting later in the afternoon. This is not a good place to be."

They opened the doors of the car and tried to cool off, but without the air conditioning, the air inside was stifling. Sweat was already starting to drip down the line of Bella's spine. She got out and walked to the back of the car, sitting on the trunk. Angela followed a minute later. Jessica stayed in the car for a few more minutes before joining them.

"We're in trouble, aren't we?" Jessica asked.

"Do we have any water left?" Bella asked her. Jess shook her head.

"Maybe if we let it cool off, we can start it again. There was a gas station at the freeway entrance. If we can get there, we can get water and fill up the radiator," Angela said.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Bella spoke. "I know you're wondering right now if I'm going crazy. I'm not. And I'm not writing the letters to myself. I'm hurt that Charlie would even suggest that."

Jess looked shocked. She looked to Angela for direction before stammering, "You…heard that?"

Bella nodded.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I thought you were sleeping, or I never would have talked about it."

"So, you would question my sanity, but you would never ask me if I was sending the letters to myself?" Bella asked. She knew it wasn't really a fair question, but she couldn't help herself.

Jessica took her hand. "I didn't want to believe that you sent them to yourself. Really. I saw how you reacted to the first letter. I just feel so powerless. I don't know what to do for you. It hurts me that you are so sad. There's so much I want to share with you, but I'm afraid to." Jess brushed at her eyes angrily. She turned to look at Bella. "There's no rule book for this, Bella. I need some direction here. I've never dealt with anything like this before."

Jess was crying when she finished, and when Bella looked at Angela, she saw tears on her face, too. She stood and wrapped her arms around first one friend, and then the other.

"There's no rule book for me, either, you know. I wish someone would hand me a timeline, tell me what's 'normal'. Every day, I hope that someone will say that I'm done mourning. But nobody does. Nobody can tell me when I will magically feel better. If my reaction to you isn't fair, I'm sorry, but you don't trust me right now, and I fail to see how that is fair to me." She was crying with them now. After taking a deep breath, she collected herself enough to ask, "You said there are things you wanted to share. What are they? I want to know."

Jess looked at Angela, and she nodded. With a deep breath, Jess started to talk. "Well, after what happened to Edward, Mike and I started to talk about how quickly life can change, and how we were waiting on things we wanted to do 'for the right time' to come. That might never happen." She looked at Bella with pity, and Bella felt like a knife had entered her abdomen.

Jess stopped, until Bella told her, "I'm okay. Keep telling me your story."

"We decided not to wait any more to try to have a family, Bella. I went off of the pill in November. We bought the new car in December, hoping that it would be the right thing to do, if we had a baby."

Bella could feel her heart sinking, just as she should be celebrating the news she knew was coming.

"I'm pregnant. The baby is due on September thirtieth. I wanted to tell you. It's been killing me to keep this secret, but I didn't know how you would feel about it." Jessica stopped talking, holding her breath, waiting for Bella to react.

"Wow," Bella finally managed. "That's great, Jess. You're going to have a baby." She smiled through her tears, and knew that at some point she would have to lock herself in the bathroom of their suite, and cry, maybe even scream, at the unfairness of it all. Mike and Jessica would have a family. She and Edward would not.

Jessica embraced her. "Thank you," she whispered.

Bella felt a hand on her shoulder. Angela was pulling her around to look at her. "I have some news, too. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, but…"

"I get it," Bella said, shaking her head. "You didn't want to hurt me."

Angela reached inside of the neck of her shirt, pulling a necklace out. An engagement ring hung on the chain. "Ben and I are getting married in November. I want you to be my Maid of Honor, Bella, but I was afraid that it would upset you."

Bella embraced Angela, trying to maintain control of the ache that was eating at her heart. "I'm so happy for you."

She wanted to be.

They were still holding each other when they heard the engine of another vehicle. A park ranger pulled up behind them, hopping out of his truck and striding over to them. He was tall, with dark brown hair and was wearing Ray Bans.

"Is something wrong?" he asked.

"We overheated," Angela said. "I'm afraid we don't have any water, either."

The man smiled at her, and looked at the other women. "I've got water in my truck. This happens more often than you would think."

He grabbed the water tank from his truck, and opened the hood of their car. Bella stood back, watching as Angela talked to him. The conversation was animated, and Angela looked back at her a few times. Jessica was sitting in the front seat again, with the door open.

They each shook hands with Brad before he left. The car was running, and the air conditioning was on. Bella climbed into the backseat again, wishing for a little solitude. She wasn't going to be that lucky.

"Brad said that we should check out the Tao Beach Lounge at the hotel. It's open until midnight tonight. I know you can't drink, Jess, but you can dance with us. I think it might be fun." Angela was gushing.

Jessica jumped on board. "Let's do it. We can grab something quick to eat, and get showered. Hopefully, we'll have a lot of fun there tonight."

Angela looked back at Bella and her face was…guilty.

"What did you do?" Bella asked her.

"I may or may not have invited Brad to join us," she said, ducking her head.

Bella crossed her arms over her chest and looked out of the window. It was silent in the car for the rest of the ride back to Vegas.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The cabanas next to the pool were full of people who were in a partying mood. Bella was tired, and her mind was still reeling from the information she had learned on their hike. She didn't really want to be there, but her friends had pushed her until she got ready to go with them. At least she could have a drink – or five – to loosen up and try to enjoy their last night in Vegas. Wandering away from her friends, she found the bar, and downed a shot of tequila, quickly ordering another.

True to his word, Brad came into the lounge shortly after eight. He looked nice in black jeans and a button down. Bella watched as his eyes swept the room, stopping when he caught sight of her. She turned toward the bar and drank her second shot, muttering, "Shit."

Within seconds, a hand touched her arm. "Bella?" It was him.

Turning only her head, she looked at him. "Hello, Brad."

"You remembered my name." He smiled at her.

Bella rolled her eyes. "It's only been a few hours."

He leaned in and ordered a beer, his arm brushing against hers. It felt nice.

And that bothered her.

Brad talked with her for the next hour.

"Do you make a habit of rescuing damsels in distress?" she asked.

He winked. "Only the cute ones."

Bella nearly choked on her drink and he laughed.

"It's my job. It's what I _do_." He flexed his pecks and she giggled.

Before long, he was telling her about his classes in land management. She shared a little about the degree she had just completed, but not much else - only enough to make small talk. Her hand was always occupied with a drink.

After a while, Brad took her arm and led her toward the dance floor. "Dance with me, Bella," he said.

She nodded and followed him.

When he wrapped his arms around her, she pulled back slightly, and he asked if she was okay. Feeling silly, she just nodded and stepped closer, admitting to herself that it felt good to be held. The alcohol in her system had relaxed her, and before she knew it, she was dancing even closer to him, enjoying the feeling of his hands as they caressed her back and her arms.

Bella ignored the feeling of guilt as she danced. It had been so long since she'd been this close to another person, and she didn't want to ruin it.

She was caught up in the music and the feeling of his body as he swayed with her. It caught her off guard when he reached up and touched her chin, raising her face to his. And then his lips were touching hers softly, his arm holding her securely around her waist, and she responded by kissing him back.

The kisses were soft and innocent at first, but his lips became more demanding after a while, his tongue sweeping along her bottom lip. She didn't want to respond, but she craved this kind of closeness, and she couldn't help the way she kissed him back.

His hand took hers, and he was leading her out of the lounge. "Let's get out of here," he whispered in her ear, and she nodded.

Feeling lightheaded, and a little lost, she followed as he led her to the elevator. "You have a room here, right?" he asked.

"I do." She pushed the button for her floor, and he was there again, kissing her, his hands moving over her body. She couldn't process all of the feelings that were swirling through her. It was too much.

The elevator stopped, and they exited into the hallway. Bella stepped out of his arms, taking a deep breath.

"Brad, I can't do this. I'm so sorry."

"You can't do what, Bella?" He looked concerned.

"It feels like cheating," she managed after a moment.

His concern turned to confusion. "Wait, Angela told me you were single. I wouldn't have asked you to come up here if I thought you were in a relationship."

Bella sighed. "I'm not…exactly."

She took his hand and led him to the door of their suite, swiping the key card and opening the door. He looked around, waiting for her to tell him what she wanted.

"Please come in and sit down," she said. He followed her through the door and sat on the couch. Bella grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge in the room.

"I was in a relationship. He…died." She found herself telling him the entire story, including her friends' suspicions.

Brad took her hand, rubbing the back of it with his thumb. "You're not ready for this, are you?"

"Not really. I'm so sorry." She looked away, a tear forming in her eye.

"Don't be. I understand." Brad's fingers touched her cheek, and he turned her face to him. "How about this? We can email each other. Talk about things in our lives. If you decide you want to see me again when you are ready to date, I'd love to take a trip to Seattle."

"You are too nice," she said. "I'd like that, though."

He didn't stay much longer, but he programmed his number into her phone and wrote his email address on a piece of paper before kissing her softly again, and walking to the door.

"I'm glad I met you today, Bella."

"Me, too," she said, smiling. The words were true. And that startled her.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Angela and Jessica waited until nearly two in the morning before they came back to the room. Bella had been curled up on her bed for hours, crying quietly. She pretended to be asleep when they came in. There was no way she wanted to get the third degree tonight. Her nerves were too raw, her mind a mess of mixed emotions and guilt. She ached for companionship, and considered texting Brad, telling him to come back. But more than anything, she yearned for Edward. _His_ arms. _His_ lips. The feeling of his body tangled with hers.

After a while, she did fall asleep…and dreamed of making love with Edward.

**A/N**

**First, thank you for your patience. The end of the school year has converged with baseball season and, of course, there was a little Bono thrown in there (U2 is amazing live, btw). We are nearing the end of the nightly events. Yay!**

**As always, Ginny, Shug and Giselle are the absolute best. They are fantastic – and believe me, this wouldn't be moving forward without them. **

**I'd also like to thank those of you who have rec'd my story. You are the bomb! **

**Your reviews blow me away (and now that I can reply, I'll try to get to those I've missed).**

**Next chapter is coming. It won't be as long a wait, if I can help it.**


	12. Chapter 12 Traditions

Chapter 12 – Traditions

Bella awoke Tuesday morning to the sound of her cell phone ringing. Her eyes squinted against the light as she tried to see who was calling. It was an unfamiliar number, and she pressed the button with some trepidation.

"Hello?"

"Miss Swan?" a man's voice said.

"Yes," she answered, trying to shake off the grogginess from her deep sleep. The flight from Vegas hadn't arrived until after eleven, and she was exhausted.

"This is Paul Barnes. We spoke a couple of weeks ago about an internship at my firm."

Her eyes flew open and she jerked up, automatically pulling the covers up to cover herself. "Yes. How are you?"

He chuckled. "I'm doing well. I'm calling about your interview."

Bella swallowed hard and said, "Okay."

"We aren't going to offer you the internship."

Her heart fell, and she started to think of other job options.

"Instead, we'd like to offer you an entry level position with our firm. Do you think you could come in today to discuss the job?"

"Yes!" Bella jumped out of bed, snaring her foot in the sheet and almost toppling over. Kicking off the sheet, she regained her breath. "When should I be there?"

Mr. Barnes hesitated for a moment and she could hear papers moving. "Our Human Resources department will be available at any time, but I'd like to sit down with you first. Can you be here at ten?"

"I'll be there," she said, as she headed into the bathroom to shower.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella stopped at the grocery store on her way home from meeting with Mr. Barnes. She thought about the meeting as she put her bags in the back seat. He had raved about her work the previous year, and explained that he and his partner had been happy to see her application. They had decided that they didn't want to chance losing her at the end of an internship, so they created an opening for her. After showing her around the office, he had gone over what she would be doing, and introduced her to the architects she would be assisting.

She would be starting her new job the following Monday.

A celebration was in order, and the Americone Dream she had discovered in the ice cream section seemed like the way to do it. Her cell phone was sitting on the passenger seat of her car, and she kept glancing at it. Who should she tell about her new job? Jessica and Angela would be thrilled, but she was still a little angry that they thought she might be crazy. Charlie should be the first call, but he was the one who came up with the idea that she was writing the letters. Ed and Elizabeth were a must-call, but she didn't feel like talking to them until she got home and settled in.

But… there was one person who had said he'd like to talk to her. Even after everything that had happened in Vegas, Brad had been very kind. He had texted her before her flight, telling her _**I'll be around if you ever want to talk**_. Bella wondered if he really meant it. She thought back over all of her objections to the other options, and figured it couldn't hurt to try. It was only a text, after all.

She typed in a quick message. __

_**Got a new job. So happy and excited.**_

Nearly five minutes later, as she was unlocking her door, her phone buzzed.

_**Congrats! Celebrating with your friends?**_

Her heart fell. There was really only one person she wanted to celebrate with, and that wasn't a possibility. It took her another ten minutes to come up with a reply.

_**Only with Ben & Jerry for now. Other friends later.**_

_**If you've got Cherry Garcia, I'm on my way. lol**_

Bella laughed, and it felt good.

_**Americone Dream. Trying something new and exciting.**_

Still laughing, she put her other groceries away, grabbed a spoon, and opened the top of the carton.

_**You and exciting don't mix well…remember the desert?**_

Texting Brad had been a great idea. She felt so light as she responded again. They texted back and forth a few more times while she changed into comfortable clothes and then took a bite, teasing him that he was missing out. He said goodbye, telling her he had a class to attend, and she felt a pang of loneliness.

When she settled in on the couch, and dug into eat the ice cream in earnest, she finally tapped in Charlie's home number. She'd leave a message, and avoid talking to him.

"Dad, I got a job at the firm I wanted to work for. I'm starting Monday. I'll talk to you later," she said to his machine.

Jess and Angela were next; they each received the same brief text.

_**I got the job with Bowen and Barnes! We'll chat later.**_

When Bella finished her other calls, she called Elizabeth and talked to her about the new job and what had happened at her meeting with Paul.

Elizabeth was thrilled that she had called. "We should take you to dinner tonight to celebrate," she said. "Unless you already have plans…"

"I don't have any plans. Dinner would be nice," Bella said.

Elizabeth had the same kind of enthusiasm that Edward had always had. She would definitely make a huge deal out of the new job, and Bella wanted that kind of attention. If Edward were here, they'd be going to dinner, and he'd be telling the world how wonderful she was. Part of her knew that Liz would do the same.

"We'll pick you up at six."

They arrived at a quarter til. Bella turned the ringer of her cell phone off as she left the house, to avoid other calls while she was with Edward's parents.

Ed and Elizabeth took her to the pho restaurant she had introduced Elizabeth to. Ed wanted to know what it was all about, and Liz wanted Bella to show him. His chopstick skills were as miserable as Edward's, and the women laughed as they watched him struggle.

"Like father, like son," Bella said, giggling.

The conversation flowed, and Bella realized that she hadn't really talked to anyone in a while. It was so easy to talk to the Masen's. They were exactly what she needed. Charlie hadn't spoken to them about the letters, and they didn't look at her like she was crazy when she told them that she was still dreaming about Edward every night.

Elizabeth merely took her hand and patted it. "I still dream about him, too. I think it's normal, honey."

"Thank you, Liz." Bella hugged her.

"So, tell us about the office where you work," Liz said, prompting Bella to talk.

"Bowen and Barnes has designed some of my favorite building in Washington. I'll have to show you the website. But beware… I could go on for hours." She rolled her eyes at them, chuckling, and then continued, "They designed the building I'll be working in, and it is gorgeous from the outside. Unfortunately, I'll be working in a drab, average, little cubicle. Ironic, isn't it?"

Ed laughed at her description of the cubicle she would be working in.

"Sounds like you're ready to redesign the interior of the building. Entry level won't suit you for long," he said with a grin.

Liz asked about her schedule and Bella detailed the hours she would be working. "I think I'm in for some long days, especially at first. There's so much to learn."

When they finally stood to leave, Bella wished she could stay wrapped in their warmth for a while longer, but she knew that she would have some people looking for her by now. She wasn't tempted to turn her phone on yet.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to come by and have lunch with you once in a while," Elizabeth said as they left the restaurant.

Bella put her arm around her. "Call me whenever you feel like it. I'd love to have a lunch date every now and then."

Ed laughed. "Don't tempt her. She'll be calling you every day."

He kissed his wife on the cheek and winked at Bella over her head.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella had set her alarm for six-thirty, and when it went off, she growled. But this was the time she would be getting up for work every day, and she wanted to be used to her schedule. Her hand slapped the alarm clock, shutting it off, and she rolled out of bed, heading into the bathroom.

The problem with this plan, she realized, was that she had nothing to do after her shower was finished and she was dressed for the day.

She grabbed her cell phone and turned it on as she left the bedroom and headed to the kitchen. It wasn't a surprise that she had missed fifteen calls, and had ten unopened text messages. Although she'd known there were people who would want to talk to her, she hadn't felt like dealing with them when she got home.

The voice mails were the first thing she would tackle - that would be Charlie.

"Bella, I'm happy about the job. I wish you would have called when I was home. I'd really like to talk to you." Charlie hesitated for a few seconds. "Um…I was a little concerned when you didn't answer, and I called Angela last night. She…well…I'm sorry. Please call me back."

Bella deleted the message. Charlie might want to apologize, but she wasn't ready to listen. The idea that he thought that she wrote the letters to herself was discouraging, and it scared her a little. Did people really do things like that? Could her father really believe that about her? She knew that she had been a little messed up since Edward died, but was it that bad?

Moving on to the next message, Bella heard Angela's voice. "I'm happy for you, Bella. You deserve this job. Oh, and your dad called. We had a good talk. I think he was wrong and he knows it. Call me when you're ready to talk."

It wouldn't be today.

Text messages were next, and they were all from Jess.

_**Congratulations.**_

_**Are you there?**_

_**Why won't you answer?**_

_**Are you mad at me?**_

_**Will you answer your phone?**_

_**Call me later.**_

Bella deleted the rest without looking at them. She wasn't ready to talk to Jessica, and she really didn't mind if it worried Jess a little. Maybe next time she wanted to gossip about Bella, she would wait until she wasn't in the car.

Frustrated, she dropped her phone on the table and decided to get her newspaper. When she opened her door, she gasped. A huge flower arrangement was on her front porch. The flowers were all of her favorites, in the fall colors that she loved. Her hand shook as she reached for the card.

**Congratulations. You deserve the job. You've worked so hard.**

Her heart pounded. Whoever was sending the letters knew about her job. There were only a handful of people she had told. Was it one of them?

Bella picked up the flowers, and took them to the coffee table. She sat and stared at them for a while, wondering if she should check her own credit card for a flower purchase.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella grabbed her mail as she went into the house. Her day had been full, and she was looking forward to taking off the heels she had worn. Starting a new job was terrifying, but exhilarating at the same time.

Flipping through the letters and advertisements, she entered the kitchen and opened the fridge to get a bottle of water.

Her fingers closed around the lid, and she pulled it out of the fridge. She barely noticed that the bottle had dropped from her fingers when she realized that she was holding another _letter_.

She had tried to ignore the fact that there was still an unopened letter in the drawer, but after the week she'd had, and the guilt she'd been feeling over texting Brad, she realized that she couldn't avoid it anymore.

Placing the rest of the mail on the counter, she opened the drawer and retrieved the letter she had received a couple of weeks ago.

Her fingers were shaking as she slipped them under the flap and opened the envelope. The paper was the same, and she took a deep breath before unfolding it. Three smaller pieces of paper fell from the letter. She picked them up to investigate, and realized that they were tickets for _Phantom_ in Vegas. Her eyes filled with tears, and she could barely make out the words in the letter.

_**Bella,**_

_** You have earned a much needed break. Enjoy the show. I know it's one of your favorites. **_

_**Take care of yourself. You need more sleep. Happy thoughts may help you fight the nightmares, so make sure to see a comedy show while you are in Vegas, too.**_

_**Live. Don't regret going away for a while.**_

_**Never forget that you are loved.**_

The tickets shook in her fingers, the papers rustling together. Whoever this was knew everything. They knew about the trip, they knew about the nightmares. She wasn't sure how she should feel about that, and even considered calling Charlie. He'd be angry that she hadn't called right away, telling him about the first letter, so she resisted the urge.

Besides, there was still another letter to open. She tore the top of the envelope quickly, taking a deep breath before she pulled the paper out.

_**Bella,**_

_** I hope you will read this letter, and that you won't be angry that you've received it.**_

_**You have done so much. You've moved forward, despite your grief. You have a new job. You are strong. You have NOT been writing to yourself, and I'm sorry there is doubt about that. That was never my intention.**_

_**Now, you should take the time to celebrate your new job with friends. There's also a June tradition that you need to uphold. You remember it. Expect a package on Friday. Keep the tradition.**_

_**Above all, know that there is no reason to fear. **_

_**As always, never forget that you are loved.**_

She dropped the paper to the table, unsure of whether to laugh or cry. The words didn't ease her mind in the way they were intended to, but she felt some measure of peace.

"I guess that at least if I'm writing to myself, I'm trying to lift my own spirits," she said with a forced laugh.

Bella folded the letters and put them in the drawer. For some reason, she couldn't toss the _Phantom_ tickets, so she laid them in the drawer, on top of the envelopes. Her focus was gone, and all she wanted to do was curl up and disappear for a while.

"Am I still loved?" she asked as she dropped onto her bed. "Who is it? Why do they say they love me?"

The rest of the night passed in silence. Bella didn't turn on her television or music, she didn't eat, and she didn't sleep until the early hours of the morning. She didn't move. When her alarm sounded, she pulled herself up and went about her normal routine, but this day felt anything but.

For whatever reason, she was compelled to follow the instructions in the letter, except that she couldn't invite Jessica and Angela. They wouldn't understand.

Dragging herself into the office, she passed the receptionist with a brief wave, and nearly walked into a co-worker as she rounded the corner.

"Good morning, Bella," Lauren said with a snarky tone to her voice.

Bella stopped and shifted out of Lauren's way. "Hi, Lauren."

Lauren turned to her, a sneer on her face. "So, how's the new job? Are you enjoying working here?"

Because she was tired and a little irritable, Bella scowled back. "Of course I like it. I'm adjusting to the new routine. In fact, I'm thinking of celebrating tonight." She wasn't sure why she'd said it.

The sarcastic smile on Lauren's face shifted to an interested look. "You're going out tonight?"

This could be the answer Bella was looking for. "That was my plan."

Lauren leaned against the wall and folded her arms. "So, who are you going out with?"

"Well," Bella stalled. "I was going to go with my friend and her husband, but she's pregnant and isn't feeling up to going out." The lie slipped out so easily that it surprised her.

"I planned on going out tonight," Lauren said, examining her fingernails. "Maybe we could go together."

Although her stomach ached at the idea of going anywhere with Lauren, she wanted to go out and keep up the June tradition. "Great. I'll meet you at The Crescent at nine tonight."

"The Crescent? A gay bar, seriously?" Lauren scowled at her.

"It's a tradition. The…um…friend who can't go…we started this in college." Lies were too easy today.

"Whatever. I'll see you there, then." With that, Lauren walked away, her head held high.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Minutes after Bella stepped into her house that afternoon, the doorbell rang. She opened the door to find a Federal Express driver with a box in his hands.

"Bella Swan?" he asked.

Nodding, she accepted the package he passed to her and signed his manifest.

"Thank you," she said as he walked away.

He waved as he hopped into his truck and pulled away from her curb.

The box she held in her hands was large, and there was no return address. Curious, she tore the end and pulled out a wrapped package, which she took into the living room. She placed it on the couch and looked at it. The letter had been clear that there would be a delivery, but she still felt nervous about opening it.

Finally, after nearly ten minutes, her curiosity got the best of her and she reached for it. Her hands were trembling as she tore into the wrapping paper and opened the dress box.

A royal blue dress was wrapped in the tissue paper in the box. She took it out and looked in awe. The back of the dress dropped low, and would leave most of the skin there exposed. The front was a deep v. It reminded her of the dress she had worn when she had gone out with Edward on his birthday the first year they were together – only that one had been red.

She smiled as she remembered how he had watched her in the dress all evening, telling her several times how the shape of the dress flattered her figure. Their waiter had glanced at her a few times, and Edward seemed like he might jump the man. When Bella giggled and pointed out his possessiveness, he'd taken Bella's hand and led her to the dance floor.

"Bella," he had whispered, his lips softly touching the edge of her ear, causing her to shiver, "if you ever wear a blue dress like that, I'm afraid I won't be able to be a gentleman. We'd never make it out of the house." His fingers had trailed up and down her spine, and she wasn't sure she could walk back to the table when the dance ended.

He had promised her that every year on his birthday they would do the same thing - dinner and dancing. Their friends, however, had wanted to be involved in the celebration plans, and had commandeered a night of their own, forcing the couple to go out to a karaoke bar with them. The June tradition had been born.

The fabric slipped from her fingers, falling back into the box.

"Edward would have loved this dress," she said with a sad smile. "I wouldn't be leaving the house tonight."

Bella walked away from the gift, unsure if she could wear it.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella stepped out of the cab and waited on the curb for Lauren. Fifteen minutes passed before another taxi pulled up and her co-worker stepped out in a barely-there mini skirt that made Bella shudder.

"Ready?" Lauren asked as she walked past Bella. "What's the deal with this place? Nice dress, by the way. Kind of wasted on the guys here, isn't it?"

"Well," Bella said, as she followed, "I'm just here to uphold the tradition. My friends thought it would be funny to come here the first time. After that, it was just our thing."

"Whatever." Lauren turned her back on Bella and stepped up to the bar.

Bella stood back and wondered what Lauren was doing. Lauren turned and pointed at two beers on the counter, right before the bartender dropped a flaming shot glass into one of them, making Bella cringe until the flames were doused.

"At least get drunk. Maybe we can bar-hop later," Lauren said before tipping back the drink and chugging half of it.

The bartender dropped a flaming shot glass into the other beer, and Lauren pointed at Bella and then the glass. Bella shrugged.

"Okay." She picked up the drink and sipped some.

"Don't be a baby - chug," Lauren taunted. Never one to step away from a challenge, Bella chugged the entire drink.

She felt tipsy quickly. "What was that?"

"You've just had your first Flaming Orgasm. Fitting for a gay bar, don't you think?" Lauren ordered another beer, and claimed a table near the bar.

Bella couldn't help the words that slipped out in a whisper. "It's the only orgasm I've had in quite a while." Sighing, she grabbed another beer and followed Lauren.

Lauren was busy scoping out the place, looking from person to person, her leg bouncing restlessly. If Bella had walked out of the bar, Lauren wouldn't have been aware, she was engrossed in watching people come and go.

Someone had just entered the karaoke stage for their turn, and Bella turned toward the husky voice. A small woman was singing a mediocre rendition of _I Will Always Love You_. The people around her talked through the performance, not interested in the singer. But Bella was drawn in by the song, feeling the longing it created in her.

She was getting nervous, knowing that the rest of the tradition would have her up on that stage before the night was over. Singing karaoke. Alone.

Knowing that if she didn't add her name to the list, she wouldn't get a chance, she wandered over to the table where the host was making his list.

"I'd like to sing," she said, shuddering.

The host was a handsome man with cropped hair that was dyed pink. "Do you know which song?"

Of course she knew which song. It was already decided. It would be the same as every year, only this time she would be singing it solo. That thought caused an ache in her chest. She'd lost Edward, and she was slowly losing touch with the friends they had created so many memories with.

"Um…_I'll be There for You _by the Rembrandts."

He looked around her. "Are you singing alone?"

Bella nodded. "This time." And then on a whim, she asked, "Can I sing a second song?"

"Are you any good?" His lips curved into a wide smile as he teased her.

"Not really." She shrugged.

"Aw, what the hell? I'm Ace," he offered his hand. "And it looks like you will be singing two songs."

As he added her name and the titles of her songs to his list, she looked around for Lauren, but couldn't see her. She wondered if she had already grown tired of The Crescent and had left for another bar, abandoning her. It wouldn't matter, really. Bella had no intentions of bar-hopping. In fact, when she was finished singing, she would probably call a cab and go home, her mission accomplished.

It seemed like only minutes before Ace was telling her that she was next. She shook as she climbed the stairs to the stage and took hold of the microphone.

"This is Bella," Ace announced. The people in the bar clapped and went back to their conversations as he said, "Tell us about your song."

Scanning the audience, Bella's eyes landed on Lauren, pushed up against the wall by a large man. Her eyes grew wide with shock, and she swallowed hard before starting to speak.

"This has been a yearly tradition for my friends and me for a while now. They couldn't be here tonight, so I'm singing this one on my own."

Ace smiled at her, and the music started.

Bella sang the first song without missing a note, and he gave her a thumbs-up when she finished. The crowd applauded softly.

"Lovely Bella is going to sing a second song for us tonight," he said, before she could change her mind. "This song is quite a switch from your first one. Why is that?"

She struggled for a moment, not wanting to disclose too much personal information with Lauren present, but after watching the way she was wrapping herself around a strange man, she didn't think she'd even hear.

"Well, this one is for my boyfriend. He was part of the yearly tradition of coming here to sing, but he… died…and so this year, I'm here on my own. Every day, I miss him just as much as the day before."

The crowd was watching her intently now, and she could hear the sympathetic sounds they were making. Shutting them out, she waited for the first notes of the song.

She started to sing, changing one word in the first line.

_I miss those green eyes,_

_How you kiss me at night,_

_I miss the way we sleep._

The atmosphere in the room seemed to change. A few couples had been dancing when she started, but as she sang, they slowed to watch her.

Tears were streaming down her face as she continued, and she choked up when she got to the chorus.

_But I never told you,_

_What I should have said,_

_No, I never told you._

_I just held it in._

_And now, I miss everything about you_

_._

The words stung, because she knew she hadn't told Edward how important he was to her. She had never taken the opportunity to tell him that she was looking forward to their engagement, to their lives together. He had died thinking she didn't want marriage and a family with him.

It was difficult to finish the song. When the last words rang out, the bar was silent for a few seconds. Then, one by one the patrons stood and started to clap.

Ace met her on the stairs. "You really must have loved him," he said, hugging her.

"I did." It was all she could manage to say before walking away from him.

Several people patted her on the back as she walked past, a few offered to buy her another drink. She declined. Her body suddenly felt drained, completely spent from the emotion she had just experienced. All she wanted was to get home, to be where she could still sense Edward's presence.

Lauren whistled loudly and yelled her name, catching her attention. She waved as she walked out the door, hand in hand with the man she had been groping. Bella took that as her cue to leave, dialing the number for a cab and walking outside to wait.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The couch looked inviting when she walked into her house, so she didn't bother changing into pajamas. Instead, she slipped her shoes off and slid onto the couch, grabbed the blanket she kept there, and fluffed a throw pillow to put under her head. The remote was on the coffee table, and she turned on the television, flipping through the channels restlessly, before settling on one of the music stations.

It probably wasn't the best idea to choose a station that played mostly love songs, but she did it anyway, crying freely as she listened. Exhaustion settled over her.

Her eyes grew heavy, and she slipped into a light sleep.

The trees lining the meadow surrounded her, the wind rustling through the leaves. A blue sky smiled on her and wildflowers bloomed around her feet. She could feel his gaze on her, and she looked around, finally spotting him. Edward was beckoning to her, pointing to the blanket he had spread on the ground. His smile was radiant, and he looked so healthy and alive.

"I miss you, Bella. Please come to me." His pleas echoed off the trees.

Her breathing sped up when she realized that this was all too familiar, and she would watch him burn again if she couldn't stop it. She tried to run, but her feet caught in the tall grass and she stumbled, reaching out to catch herself as she fell. When she looked up, Edward was distressed, reaching for her. Flames started to surround him. He stood still, unable to move past the fire.

This time, she was determined to reach him, to save him from the inferno that she knew would swallow him soon. Racing to within a few feet of him, she was forced to stop when the flames exploded, engulfing him.

She could hear Edward calling to her. "Run, Bella. You can't stay here with me."

Her screams overpowered his words. "Edward! No!"

All she could see was one of his hands, reaching above the wall of fire. His voice no longer carried over the sounds of wood and dry grass popping.

There had to be a way to get through the blaze that surrounded him. She reached toward him, and a spark shot out, landing on her hand.

Excruciating pain started under the ash, spreading through her hand and up her arm. Curling smoke drifted along the same path, ahead of the agony.

She screamed.

She thrashed, trying to stop the burning.

Her breathing stopped momentarily, only to resume with a screech as the intense heat reached her shoulder. When she sucked in a breath, she flailed, shaking her arm to stop the pain…

And hit the ground with a thump, waking herself.

Lifting her hand to examine it, she was certain that she would see damage, but she didn't. The pain had been so real , caused such a visceral reaction, that she couldn't accept the idea that it hadn't happened.

Edward. Where was he?

Gone, she realized. Burned.

He had suffered this pain, died from its effects.

The tears that came now were caused by despair.

Edward had gone through horrible pain. Nobody had been there to hold his hand or comfort him.

He had died alone.

Alone.

Just like her.

**A/N**

**The song Bella sings is 'I Never Told You' by Colbie Callait.**

**I have the most amazing people helping me with my story. GinnyW prereads and Shug and Giselle-lx are amazing betas. I can't tell them enough how grateful I am for their help. **

**My WC ladies keep me sane.**

**My daughter's graduation is over. Phew. Life should slow down – if you don't count baseball season. **

**Thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited, and rec'd my story. You make my day. **


	13. Chapter 13  Birthday Plans

**For Edward's birthday. ;) **

Chapter 13 – Birthday Plans

It was still dark when Bella woke up. Turning toward the alarm clock, she groaned when she saw that it was not quite four in the morning. Cursing herself for taking a sleeping pill so early in the evening, she threw her arm over her eyes and tried to doze off again, but her mind was already working too quickly, and it was no use.

Lying in bed, she thought about how she had avoided everyone all weekend. Her phone had been turned off, and she had gone for a long drive, staying at a hotel in Tacoma on Saturday night, just to avoid visits from well meaning friends and family members. If she had thought she could take a day off of work so soon, she would have, but she'd only been there a couple of weeks. Besides, she didn't want to explain why she needed the time off.

And that was a pathway she didn't want her mind to travel, so she pulled herself out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom. Maybe a shower would help settle her mind.

There would be hell to pay for ignoring everyone, she knew, but there was no way she had wanted to spend the weekend hearing how sorry they all were – again. Sorry didn't change anything. And because today was Edward's birthday, they would find it necessary to coddle and help her.

Today would be different. There would be no hiding. They all knew where she worked.

She turned on the water and waited for it to warm before stepping into the spray. It felt soothing on her skin, and she started to relax under the flow. Her mind began to wander as she let down her guard. Thoughts of Edward's last birthday slipped in, catching her unaware.

It had started in this very place, that day.

Edward had still been sleeping when she got up. He had taken the day off, so he didn't need to get up. But she had her internship, and she was planning on working a half day.

Standing under the water, she had felt his large hands on her back, and she leaned back into his body.

"Good morning," she said, reaching around for a kiss. "Happy birthday."

"It is a good morning. I don't have anywhere to be, and you don't have to be at work for two hours." His hands wandered from her back to her waist, and then around to her stomach, before starting their assent to her breasts.

"Edward, I should be getting ready for work."

"You have time," he whispered, kissing her neck and the hollow below her ear. One of his hands was kneading her breasts and the other had wandered down, stopping to play with her bellybutton before going farther.

She had been gasping with pleasure, waiting for him to finish the journey, and wondering if they would have sex in the shower or if he would take her into the bedroom.

The memories were causing Bella's body to respond as it had that morning. Her hands moved to her own breasts, and the feeling was enticing, making her want more.

She was moving one hand down, over her stomach, when a feeling of guilt overwhelmed her. This wasn't right. Edward wasn't here, and she was using his memories to pleasure herself.

Her hands flew to her face, and she stifled a wrenching sob, as she stumbled back, into the cold tile of the shower wall and slid down into the tub.

The water was cold when she finally pulled herself together enough to finish her shower and stumble into the kitchen to make some coffee.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Nobody at work knew about Edward, except for maybe Lauren – if she had heard what Bella said at the Crescent – and she hadn't mentioned anything. Bella was grateful for this fact as she headed into the office. There would be no teary reminiscing, no "We're so sorry", no reminders.

Except, Charlie knew where she worked. When she rounded the corner of her cubicle, she was met by a vase full of flowers, with a note attached.

_**Bella,**_

_**Still sorry for everything. Wish you would call to talk. I hope everything is okay today. I know it won't be easy for you.**_

_**I miss talking to you.**_

_**Dad**_

"What's the occasion?" Miguel asked, peeking over the top of the cube wall.

"Oh, it's just my dad, saying he's sorry." Bella hoped that would end the inquisition, but she knew it probably wouldn't.

"What did he do that required flowers?" Lauren was standing next to the cube, chiming in.

Bella sighed. "It's complicated. He just said something that upset me. No big deal."

Lauren examined her manicured fingernails for a moment, before saying, "Something about that boyfriend of yours?"

Bella gasped.

"Bella has a boyfriend?" Miguel asked.

Lauren shook her head. "He died."

Miguel mumbled, "Sorry."

Lauren waved and with a knowing smile, she left.

Before long, no fewer than six other employees had stopped by her cubicle to look at the flowers and to dig for information. Bella was ready to scream.

By lunchtime, she was looking forward to a break. She would sneak out, leaving all of the questioning co-workers behind, and have a quiet lunch. Maybe when she got back, she would put her ear buds in and forget the others.

Her plans were foiled by Angela and Jessica.

Bella was paged to the front office just before noon. Walking into the reception area, she saw her friends.

Jessica was starting to show. Her belly was still small, but there was a noticeable bump, and her skin seemed different, too. Her hair was definitely longer than it had been in May – the last time they had actually seen each other. Angela was not smiling, which was unusual for her. Her eyes looked wary and concerned.

"Hi, Bella," Jessica said, smiling.

Angela nodded in her direction. "Bella."

Bella swallowed back her irritation and answered them. "Hi, girls. What brings you here today?"

"We thought we'd take you to lunch. It's been a while since we've seen you." Jessica was too exuberant.

"Oh, I hadn't really planned on going out today," Bella lied, smiling.

"Our treat. We really do want to talk to you," Jessica said, taking Bella by the arm to lead her to the door. Angela held back, hesitant.

"Wait. I need to get my purse and tell my boss I'm leaving."

Bella was angry as she pulled away from Jessica, but resigned herself to going with them. They knew what today was, and they only trying to help, she reasoned.

She hustled back to her cubicle and sent an IM, explaining her plans, before grabbing her purse and heading back to the reception area.

Jessica looked relieved when she saw Bella returning.

"Let's go," she said, with a falsely cheerful voice.

Bella waved to the receptionist and noticed Lauren lurking in the hallway, watching her with her friends, a smirk on her face.

Clicking the fob for her Volvo as they approached it, Jessica smiled, and Bella commented, "This will be a great car for you when you have the baby, Jess."

Jess smiled and looked over at her. "Believe me, Mike researched everything about cars before he suggested this one. Once he'd decided on it, he wouldn't take no for an answer. It's supposed to be really safe."

"That doesn't surprise me," Bella said, chuckling. When Mike wanted something, he was relentless. His pursuit of Jessica had been the same.

They slipped into silence until they pulled into the parking lot of an Applebee's.

"How have you been?" Angela asked as they walked inside.

"Good," Bella answered. "I've been adjusting to my new schedule. It's been good for me."

"I'm glad," Angela said, and Jessica nodded.

Jessica bit on her lip before speaking. "Are you okay today?"

"Fine," Bella said and pointed to the hostess who was approaching, averting their attention.

They were seated at a tall table, and Bella spoke before they could get back to questioning her. "You look great, Jess. The belly is a good look for you."

Jessica glowed at the compliment. "Thanks. I finally had to buy some maternity clothes. My belly is too big for my regular jeans. I couldn't button them anymore."

It was easy to keep her focused on her pregnancy. A few well timed questions and a little enthusiasm, and Bella could avoid talking about Edward for the entire lunch, if she was lucky.

Except that Angela could tell what she was doing.

"So, Bella, are we going to talk about Jessica's baby all day, or are you ever going to allow us to ask how you feel? You know, since it's Edward's birthday and all."

Her appetite vanished instantly.

"I'd much rather talk about Jessica's baby. Or your wedding. I haven't heard how the plans are coming."

"You'd know how things were coming along if you ever returned a call," Angela said, and Bella cringed.

Jessica shook her head. "I thought we weren't going to go there, Ang."

Angela looked at both of them and then nodded, but her eyes were hard. "You're right. Sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's okay," Bella said as she stared at her drink, avoiding Angela's gaze. "I've been…preoccupied."

"We understand," Jessica stated, reaching to grab her hand. "You have a new job, and you were probably upset with us. We deserved it, didn't we?" She looked at Angela, her eyebrows raised as she waited for her to agree.

Bella looked away, watching a couple on the other side of the restaurant as they tried to convince their small child to eat.

"I get it, Bella," Angela finally said, pulling Bella's attention back to their table. "You were angry and hurt. We screwed up. Honestly, I understand. But can't you try to focus on something else for a while? Can't you try to be happy for us?"

Angry tears were welling up in Bella's eyes. "You think you get it, but you don't. You get to go home to Ben and Mike every night. You get to have a wedding and babies. Everything. If I hadn't been so stubborn, that could have been me. Instead, I get to go home to an empty house. And I won't have a wedding or babies with him."

Nobody spoke for a few minutes. Bella angrily wiped the tears with the corner of her napkin.

Angela took a drink, watching Bella's reaction. Finally, she leaned forward on her elbows, and spoke. "You can have those things, Bella. Just not with Edward."

"And you think that's the same thing? That I want someone else?"

"You're young. You can meet other people." Angela's face was red and her napkin was balled up in her fingers.

Bella was pissed off now. "Is that why you tried to set me up with Brad in Vegas? So I could just move along and be fine again? Planning baby showers and wedding showers and acting like everything is right with my world?"

The waitress came to deliver their food as Bella yelled. She stood back, waiting for the right moment to serve them.

"I'd like a box for my food, please," Bella barked at her. "I can't eat right now."

Timidly, the girl stepped to the table and placed their plates in front of them. "I'll be right back," she said to Bella.

"Just bring us all boxes," Angela told the stunned waitress. "And our check."

They were back in the car within minutes, and the air was tense.

"So, just because you lost Edward, you can't be happy for us?"

Bella could see in the mirror that Angela had folded her arms across her chest and was glaring at her.

"I didn't say that."

"You may as well."

"Whatever." Her fingernails were digging into the skin of her palms.

Jessica drove silently, not taking part in their conversation.

"Then what, Bella? Are we supposed to be unhappy because you are? Should we wait until you're over Edward to do anything with our lives? Enlighten me."

"Be happy. Get married. Have babies. Just don't expect me to do cartwheels over it right now."

"That's pretty damn selfish."

Jessica gasped and Bella growled.

"So, it's okay for you to act like I'm crazy, and I should just act like everything is fine? Is that less selfish?"

"No, Bella. I stood up for you. Or don't you remember that? I even talked to your dad and told him to back off. But you wouldn't know that, because you avoid your friends' calls."

Bella shouted. "I wish I could be the same friend I was a year ago. You act like I can just flip a switch and be over it, like Edward shouldn't matter to me anymore."

They were pulling into the parking lot of her office, and she grabbed the handle and flung the door open as soon as Jessica stopped.

Before she could exit the car, Jessica spoke quietly. "I'm really sorry, Bella. I didn't mean for this to happen when I asked Angela to come with me. We just thought that it would be a tough day for you."

"Thanks for trying," Bella said as she stepped out. She slammed the door and stormed toward the building.

Lauren caught her on the way in.

"Good lunch?" she asked with a smirk.

"Great." Bella took the stairs to avoid talking to her – Lauren never took the stairs.

~X~X~X~X~X~

A familiar car was parked in front of her house when Bella turned the corner.

She'd expected it, really. But after the day she'd had, she wasn't sure if she could smile and be happy for Elizabeth and Ed.

Elizabeth climbed out of the car when Bella pulled into her driveway and was waiting by her car when she stepped out. She embraced Bella.

"Will you let us take you to dinner tonight?" Elizabeth wasn't wearing eye makeup, and Bella could tell that she had been crying.

"Of course I'll go with you." She wrapped her arms around Edward's mother. "Has it been awful today?"

Liz squeezed her. "No worse than I expected. How was your day?"

"Could've been better." Bella shrugged. "Could've been worse. I need to change. Give me a minute."

She carried her briefcase into the house and placed it near the front door, slipping her shoes off and placing them next to it. Her feet hurt from wearing heels, and she stopped to massage them, taking a deep breath to calm herself. Dinner was the last thing she wanted, but after seeing Elizabeth, there was no way she could say no.

Stepping into her closet, she looked at Edward's side. The few dress shirts looked lonely and caused an ache in her chest. Bella grabbed some jeans, and stepped out of the closet quickly. It only took a few minutes to change and slip back outside to climb into Ed and Elizabeth's car.

"Hello, Bella," Ed said, without looking back at her. His voice was stiff, without his usual warmth.

"Hi, Ed."

They started to move, driving to a dinner that Bella was afraid could be nothing but uncomfortable. They pulled into the parking lot of a small restaurant within minutes, and Ed hurried around the car to open Elizabeth's door, and then Bella's.

Nobody spoke as they walked inside and the hostess greeted them. She seemed to know them.

"It's good to see you tonight. Two, as usual?"

Ed turned and waved in Bella's direction. "Three tonight. This is Bella."

The smiling young woman stepped forward and shook Bella's hand. "Welcome to Cantinetta, Bella. How do you know the Masens?"

Bella couldn't speak, but she felt Ed's hand on her shoulder. "Bella was Edward's girlfriend," he said softly, and the hostess gasped. Her face reflected the pain Bella felt.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

Her face was red, and she looked at her shoes, avoiding Bella's eyes.

"Thanks," Bella said. She took Elizabeth's hand and followed the young woman as she led them to a table in the back.

"Maybe this wasn't such a great idea," Bella whispered to Elizabeth. "We've only been here a few minutes, and I've already reminded you of what you lost."

Elizabeth embraced Bella. "That's what we're here for, Bella. Tonight, it's okay to cry, to scream, to be angry or upset, or whatever else you want to be. It's Edward's birthday, and it's okay to mourn for his loss. Ed and I thought it would be best if we mourned together. I hope you don't mind."

Tears filled Bella's eyes, and she realized they weren't just tears of sadness, they were tears of relief. "Everyone else seems to think I should be past this by now."

"Everyone else isn't living with the loss. We are," Ed said. He took Bella's hand. "They can't understand what you're feeling, and I'll be honest, I can't say that I do, either. But they are your feelings, Bella. You have a right to mourn in whatever way you want. Don't let someone else tell you what is right or wrong."

A sense of peace washed over Bella and the tears flowed, hot and fast, down her cheeks. "Will it ever get easier?"

"I think it will," Elizabeth said. "In the meantime, allow yourself the time to heal."

Ed's smile was sad. "The things we say are strange at times. Sometimes, I'm not even sure if I'm sane or not."

Elizabeth squeezed his hand. "I'm afraid that's my fault." She looked at Bella. "I asked him today if he blamed me for only wanting to have one child. If we'd had more, we wouldn't be childless now."

For the first time since the funeral, Bella saw tears streaking down Ed's face. "You know I don't blame you for that."

They held hands on the table, and Bella felt out of place for a moment.

Elizabeth grabbed her hand and smiled at her. "Bella, did I ever tell you what happened when Edward was three?"

Bella shook her head.

"One of Ed's cousins was visiting us. He hadn't been to our home since Edward was a baby, and Edward didn't know him. Bruce parked in front of our house and was making his way to the front steps, when Edward crashed into his legs with his tricycle. He was going to run him down. When Bruce tried to go up the stairs, Edward rammed him from behind. He said he was protecting his mommy." Elizabeth laughed, and Ed joined in.

"Bruce didn't know what had hit him. Edward wouldn't stop until Liz came out of the house and pulled him off of the bike. She introduced him to Bruce, but Edward still tried to bite him. It wasn't until I pulled up and came inside that Edward relaxed. He was so protective of his mom."

Ed and Elizabeth looked at each other, their love was palpable. Although it made Bella realize just how lonely she was, it was comforting, too. Maybe she could still find that kind of relationship.

She decided to share something they probably didn't know. "Edward didn't stop being protective. Just after we moved into the house, he decided that we should get a dog so that I wouldn't be alone while he was working. We argued about it every day. I didn't want to have to take care of a pet. Finally, he gave up on the idea, but for a month, Becca, our next door neighbor, would come check on me every night before he got home. It drove me crazy at the time, but I'd give anything to have that argument again."

Ed squeezed her hand. "He loved you so much."

When their food arrived, they stopped talking for a while. Bella was surprised at how good it felt to talk about Edward, to share memories. It wasn't as painful as she thought it would be.

"Thank you for bringing me with you tonight," she said as they rose to leave. "It's so nice to share my memories with you."

They walked her out to the car, their arms around her.

~X~X~X~X~X~

When Ed pulled up in front of Bella's house, Elizabeth said, "Wait here, please. I'd like to walk Bella inside."

Bella's head snapped up, and she watched Ed raise his eyebrows, questioning Elizabeth silently. She nodded, and he shrugged.

Finally, Ed asked, "Are you sure?"

Liz smiled and kissed him softly. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

She stepped out of the car with Bella and walked with her to the door. Bella was confused.

When they stepped inside, Bella questioned her. "What was that about?"

Elizabeth led her to the couch, sitting, and then patting the cushion next to her.

"I wanted to give you something," she said as Bella sat.

Bella wasn't sure where this was going. "What are you talking about?"

"Last year, on the day before your birthday, Edward came to see me. There was something he wanted to give to you, but he knew that the time wasn't right. He asked me to take care of a few details and to hold onto it until his birthday – today. He knew that you would have graduated by now. He hoped that you would have a job, and that you would be ready to keep your promise to him."

Bella suddenly couldn't breathe. "But…"

Liz reached for her hand. "He told me that day that you were his future, that no matter what you said when he gave this to you, you were all he wanted for the rest of his life." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a velvet box, handing it to Bella.

"I can't…" Bella shook her head violently.

"It's yours, Bella. It may not mean the same thing now that it was meant to, but he would have wanted you to have it. He bought it for you. He would want you to have it, if for no other reason than to remind you of how much you meant to him, how important you were – are – to people in this world."

Bella looked up into her eyes and saw the tears streaming down her face.

"He knew that you didn't always feel that way, Bella. But you were the world to him. You are still a big part of our lives. No matter what, you have a family and you are loved."

There were no words for the feelings coursing through Bella's body, so she simply leaned forward and held Elizabeth.

"This isn't meant to hold you back, honey. It's meant to allow you to move forward, to see that you can be important to someone else. You are a beautiful woman. You have so much to offer. Never forget how much you deserve to be loved."

The words caught Bella off guard.

"Liz?"

"What, Bella?"

She took a deep breath and asked the question that she needed answered.

"Have you been writing me letters?"

Elizabeth looked shocked. "Letters?"

"I've gotten some anonymous letters that remind me of Edward." She watched for some spark of knowledge in the other woman's eyes. It didn't come.

"No, Bella. Tell me about these letters."

Bella stood and walked into the kitchen, retrieving the bundle of letters from the drawer. She allowed Elizabeth to read them, and watched as the papers shook in her hands, the emotions clear on her face. Liz's hand covered her mouth as she gasped several times.

"How long?" she finally asked.

"Since December." Bella watched the hurt play out on Elizabeth's face.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She had to explain the situation, even Charlie's suspicions. "He doesn't even know about the last two."

Edward's mother was openly sobbing now. "It's almost like he's reaching out to you from the grave. Cherish these letters. I don't know who is sending them, but they must love you both."

Ed's soft knock as he opened the door startled them. "Is everything okay? You've been in here a while."

Elizabeth nodded and stood, hugging Bella. "Please let me know what else happens."

"I will," Bella promised.

"And Bella? I hope you know how much we love you."

"I do." She wiped the tears from her face and walked them to the door, waving goodbye as they drove away.

When their taillights were gone, she closed the door and locked it. Placing her back to the door, she slid to the floor and looked at the velvet box in her hand. As much as she wanted to see the ring, she was terrified to open the box.

She stared at it for a while, unsure if she could even look inside.

"Edward, I would have said yes," she said, crying now. "You don't know how much I wanted this. How much I still want it with you. Only with you."

Her trembling fingers finally lifted the lid, and she gasped as she looked at the simple solitaire. It wasn't gaudy. It wasn't too large or too small. Edward had known exactly what she would want. The wedding band that was attached was a simple web of gold, with a few small diamonds attached to it.

Without thinking, she pulled the ring out of the box and placed it on her finger. It was too large, and it spun around her finger, proof of the weight she had lost over the last nine months. She stared at the ring on her hand, unable to move.

Visions of walking down the aisle played through her mind, of approaching Edward in his tux. The weight of her loss came crashing down on her again, and she sobbed until she couldn't breathe.

When she was finally able to pick herself up from the floor and walk to the bedroom, she noticed that it was past midnight. She'd been sitting on the floor for hours.

As she fell onto her bed, she curled into a ball and prayed for sleep to take her, knowing it was too late for a sleeping pill. But each time she closed her eyes, visions of Edward on one knee haunted her. It was almost worse than the nightmares.

The clock read seven when she looked again, and she picked up the phone and dialed her supervisor's cell phone number.

"It's Bella. I can't come in today. I must have eaten something bad last night," she lied. "I'll come in later, if you need me."

"Don't worry about it. I hope you get feeling better."

After hanging up, Bella willed herself to go to sleep. She was exhausted, but her mind kept going over and over the plans she had made with Edward. There was no escape from them, but she couldn't move to leave her bed.

The ring taunted her, still in place on her finger.

She stared at it, and at some point, her eyes closed.

And he was there, on his knees, her hand in his, as he asked her to be his bride. His green eyes sparkled when she said, "Yes."

"We can still have forever. I haven't stopped loving you, and I know you still love me," his voice was smooth as it hummed by her ear. "Do you want forever?"

"Yes," she said. "I still want forever with you, Edward."

"Come to me, Bella. I'm waiting for you."

He wasn't on his knees anymore. Instead, he was surrounded once again by fire. "Edward," she called.

"I'm here." His voice reached her through the flames.

She stepped forward cautiously, but was drawn into the inferno by the hands that reached out from the wall of fire. Screaming, she stepped forward, fighting to escape the heat that scorched her entire body. She was on fire, but she knew that if she could just endure the pain for a few more moments, she would find him.

Falling forward onto the meadow grass, she was released from the flames, but he wasn't there. There was nothing on the other side of the fire.

She was alone.

Her eyes opened to the dim light of her bedroom and the sound of her own screams.

A/N

Okay, so I didn't really plan ahead to post this chapter on Edward's birthday, but it worked out nicely, don't you think?

As always, huge amounts of gratitude to GinnyW, Shug and Giselle-lx. This story wouldn't be the same without them. 3

I still have a few reviews to reply to. I will get to them – they mean a lot, and you deserve a reply. Thank you for all of your support.

Things will start moving along now. Fasten your seatbelts.


	14. Chapter 14  Reconciliation

Chapter 14 – Reconciliation

With her hands gripping the steering wheel, Bella pulled onto Charlie's street. She hoped that he would be home today, since she hadn't called to make arrangements to visit.

After her dinner with the Masens on Edward's birthday, she had decided that she needed to work on her relationship with her father. Elizabeth had pushed her again at lunch the day before, saying, "Bella, he loves you and he worries about you. Maybe what the two of you need is to communicate better. Go see him. Don't miss the opportunity."

So, before work on Friday she had packed, and left directly from the office.

A blue Escort she'd never seen was parked on the street. She wondered who was visiting as she parked behind the mystery car.

Pulling her bag out of the back seat, she eyed the car warily. It wasn't his best friend Billy or one of his deputies; she'd seen their cars many times. Besides, Charlie usually noticed her arrival – whether she had called or not – and was quick to make his way to her car to help her with her bags. She shrugged and made her way to the porch, shuffling her luggage and grabbing the doorknob to let herself in.

Nobody was in the living room, and the rooms downstairs seemed oddly quiet, especially if Charlie had a guest. The television was turned on, but it was muted. She stepped into the kitchen. It was empty, but there were two wine glasses and a half full bottle of wine on the table, and a half-eaten pizza in the box on the counter.

And then she heard it. A loud moan, followed by a woman's voice. Bella couldn't make out the words, but she knew exactly what was going on. She thought she was going to die from the mortification of walking into the house when her father obviously had a 'friend' upstairs with him.

Bella was ready to retreat, throw her bag into her car, and make the trip home without her dad being any wiser that she had been privy to his activities. But her cell phone rang, and in her rush to silence it, she knocked a wine glass off of the table, sending glass shards flying through the kitchen with a crash.

"Who's down there?" Charlie's voice rang out.

Trapped, Bella grabbed her phone and looked at the caller ID. Jessica. She'd call her back.

"It's me, Dad." Her face was hot. "I'll come back later."

There were muted voices upstairs, and then she heard Charlie again. "I'll be right down. Why don't you grab a drink and watch a little TV?"

"Um…okay," she answered. She grabbed the broom and dustpan and started cleaning up the mess she had made.

A few minutes later, she heard her dad's footsteps as he came down the stairs. Charlie was dressed in sweats and an old police academy t-shirt, and his feet were bare. Bella was surprised - he never walked through the house without socks, at least. His face was pink, and he was rubbing his chin as he descended the stairs, a move that Bella recognized as his 'how do I talk to Bella about this' tic.

"Don't come in here, Dad," she said, and he froze.

"What?" He was obviously confused and a little taken aback by her demand.

Bella pointed to the glass on the floor near the stairs. "I broke a wine glass, and you don't have shoes on. You really don't want glass in your feet, do you?"

Charlie shook his head and sat on the stairs, watching her as she swept every corner and under the table.

"I think I got it all," she said, returning the broom and dustpan to the closet.

He rose to his feet. "I think we should go into the living room and talk."

Bella nodded, but just as she was turning to leave the kitchen, she heard someone else coming down the stairs. As much as she didn't want to know who it was, she couldn't help herself. She turned to face her father's friend and was shocked.

The woman was smiling at her. "Hi, Bella."

"Sue?"

"It's nice to see you, too." Sue winked at Bella and then walked to Charlie, kissing his cheek. "I'm going to run to the store and get a few things for tomorrow. I'll see you in the morning."

Charlie's face was red, and he sputtered, "Okay…uh…see you later."

Bella followed Sue as she walked through the living room. Sue waved over her shoulder as Bella moved to the couch to sit. Charlie was still in the kitchen. He didn't come into the living room for a few minutes after Sue left. When he finally did, he sat in the armchair farthest from Bella and cleared his throat.

"I wasn't expecting you today."

"So I noticed. I thought I'd surprise you." Bella could feel her cheeks getting hot.

Charlie chuckled. "Well, you surprised the lot of us." The air around them eased slightly as he joked.

Bella hesitated for a minute before asking, "So…Sue, huh?"

His face got serious, and he looked into Bella's eyes for the first time since he'd come downstairs. "She's a good woman, and she's been alone for a few years."

Bella nodded. "I know."

Charlie sat forward and joined his hands in front of him. "Bella, after we talked about how hard it was for both of us to lose someone we loved, I started to think about what a bad example I've been. I never moved on after your mother left, and maybe that gave you the wrong impression about how you should respond to losing Edward. I decided to talk to Sue about how she'd dealt with Harry's death. I thought maybe she could give you some advice."

"Dad, I…"

He stopped her by holding up his hand. "No, let me finish. Sue let me know that I was butting in. She told me to let you deal with this in your own way and in your own time."

"She's a smart lady," Bella said with a small smile.

"She is," Charlie agreed, and his face went red again. "We talked a lot after that, and…"

"And now you're…dating?"

He nodded. "It's been nice. She really is a good woman."

"You'll get no argument from me." Bella wanted to change the subject before it could get uncomfortable. "So, what did she need to get for tomorrow?"

Charlie smiled, and Bella could tell he was relieved to change the topic. "We're having a cookout here after a little softball game at the park. Leah and her family are here, and Seth will be home from college."

"Oh, I don't want to intrude. I should have called before I came."

He moved to sit next to her. "I'm glad you're here. I would have called to invite you, but you haven't been answering most of my calls lately."

Bella could hear the hurt in his voice. "I'm sorry, Dad."

"Can we talk about all of that?" He sounded unsure of himself.

She took his hand. "We need to."

Squeezing her hand, he said, "I'm not involved in the investigation anymore. The Spokane Police Department was getting sick of my constant calls, I think. And I was too emotionally invested to see things clearly. I just wanted to find a reason for your sake."

Bella moved to hug him. "Thank you for trying."

His arms wrapped around her back, and she could feel him shaking.

"And the letters…" He paused.

"I understand, Dad. You were just trying to keep me safe."

Bella released him, and he sat back, looking at her.

"Most of the time I don't say things I should, Bella, but I want you to know that I love you. I'd do anything to bring Edward back to you."

"I know. Thank you." She fought back tears, and hugged him.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The softball game was heating up as Bella watched from the sidelines with Sue and Billy Black. Sue's son Seth and Billy's son Jake were heading up the opposing teams. Charlie had joined Jacob's team and was currently at bat.

Bella yelled as Charlie swung and missed. "You'll get the next one, Dad!"

Charlie turned to look at her with a wide smile on his face, giving her a thumbs up.

"He's really glad you're here, Bella," Sue said.

"I know. I'm glad I came. It was time to make up with him."

Sue reached over and took Bella's hand. "This hasn't been easy for him, you know. He has no idea what you need. I've been telling him to ask you, but he's not comfortable talking about emotional things. We're working on that."

Bella looked at Sue with surprise. She opened her mouth to speak, but was stopped by the sound of a ball hitting the bat squarely.

They both looked up as the ball sailed into center field, falling between the outfielders, and Bella jumped up. "Go, Charlie!"

He ran to first, looking to see if the ball had been fielded, and rounded the base, striding toward second. The centerfielder grabbed the ball off of the grass and threw it to Seth, who was playing second base, trying to cut Charlie off. But his throw went wide, and the ball collided with Charlie's face, causing him to drop to the ground.

Sue jumped off of the bleachers and ran to the field as Charlie sat up, blood streaming from a cut above his eye. Bella was stunned for a moment but quickly followed Sue, kneeling by Charlie and handing him her sweatshirt to stanch the flow of blood. She felt lightheaded as she watched the red soaking the fabric.

"You're going to need stitches, Charlie," Sue said, lifting the shirt to look at his head.

"I can't go to the Emergency Room. I'm supposed to man the grill."

"Not happening," Sue said. "Seth will run the grill until you get back. I can take you to the ER."

Charlie was shaking his head when Bella spoke softly. "I'll take him, Sue. You can work on lunch and spend time with your family, and we'll be back as soon as possible."

Sue looked at Charlie, and he nodded reluctantly. "Bella can take me. Lord knows I've taken her enough times."

He laughed when Bella punched his arm.

Bella led Charlie to his cruiser, and he stopped. "You can't drive the cruiser, Bella. I'll drive."

"Leave it here. We'll take my car. How will Sue get back to your house?"

Charlie scowled at her but walked toward her car, slumping down once he was buckled. "I'm sure Seth will take her."

It only took a few minutes to get to the hospital, and Charlie tried one more time to avoid going inside. "Look, the cut isn't that big." He pulled down the visor and looked at it in the mirror. "I could just go home and put a butterfly bandage on it."

"Nice try," Bella said as she got out of the car and walked toward the automatic doors, listening to Charlie slam the car door behind her.

They were greeted inside by an older woman whose welcoming smile faltered when she took in the blood-stained sweatshirt held against Charlie's eyebrow. "Chief Swan, what happened?"

He chuckled. "A softball got the best of me. Looks like I'm going to need some stitches, Ann."

"You're in luck. We aren't busy - the head of the department will be in to stitch you up." She smiled at him and then looked at Bella. "And who is this?"

Charlie reached back and pulled Bella to his side. "This is my daughter, Isabella."

Ann stood and reached for Bella's hand. "It's so nice to finally meet you. Your father talks about you every time he follows the EMTs in."

Bella flinched a little at the idea that Charlie spent much time in the ER, but it had always been a part of his job, taking statements, holding the hands of parents whose children were injured, and calling next of kin when an accident victim didn't pull through. She had a moment of understanding then, about how Charlie would have looked at Edward's death, why he would have wanted more answers, and her anger at him abated.

"It's nice to meet you, Ann."

A smooth voice startled Bella as she shook Ann's hand. "Charlie, what kind of mischief have you gotten into this morning?"

She turned to see a handsome blond man in a lab coat moving toward them, a smile on his face as he regarded Charlie and Bella.

"I had a disagreement with a softball," Charlie said, laughing. "It won."

"Apparently." He patted Charlie's shoulder and pulled the sweatshirt away to look at the injury, touching his forehead lightly around the wound with a gloved hand. Then he looked at Ann. "We'll be in room two. I'm going to stitch him up. I don't think we need to take any x-rays, so you won't need to call a tech down. Let Beth know that I'll need a suture tray, please."

"Sure thing, Dr. Cullen." Ann lifted the phone to carry out her instructions as she said, "It was nice to meet you, Bella."

"Nice to meet you, too," Bella said, before following the two men into the suture room.

"So, this is the infamous Bella," the doctor said as he moved around the room preparing the items he would need. He directed Charlie to sit on the gurney, and Charlie groaned. "I've heard all about your trips to the ER from your dad. Seems you'd be keeping us busy if you still lived in Forks."

Charlie looked chagrinned. "Bella, this is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. He and his wife moved to Forks a couple of years ago."

Bella moved to shake his hand, but Dr. Cullen glanced at the gloves on them, one of them already stained by Charlie's blood, and shrugged. "Sorry, I'd shake your hand, but I'm a bit of a mess at the moment. Anyway it's good to finally meet you, Bella," he said. "Your dad has told me so much about you. He's very proud of what you've accomplished."

Dr. Cullen's smile faltered, and Bella was sure then that Charlie had told him about Edward.

"You're going to get me in trouble, Carlisle," Charlie joked. "Let's just get these stitches in so I can go home and fire up the grill."

The doctor's attention shifted to Charlie as a nurse walked into the room with a covered tray that Bella assumed was the suture tray.

"Were you trying to keep up with the youngsters?" Dr. Cullen joked with him as he took off the soiled gloves and washed his hands, preparing to put in the stitches.

Beth took the sweatshirt from Charlie and put it in a plastic bag before cleaning his eyebrow and rubbing antiseptic around it.

The rust-colored liquid turned Bella's stomach. "I think I may walk to the cafeteria for a drink, Dad, if you don't mind."

Her father chuckled. "I'm surprised you lasted this long, Bells. I'll meet you there when I'm finished."

"Thanks," she said as she pushed through the door, hurrying to the cafeteria with her head down.

She realized she was shaking as she picked up a cup to fill it with pop.

"You okay?" a woman's voice asked.

"I'm fine. I just don't like hospitals," Bella said as she turned to see the speaker.

A pretty woman with light brown hair stood behind her.

"I'm Esme Cullen. You must be Bella Swan." She smiled at Bella.

"How…?"

Esme smiled at her and winked. "Word travels fast here. And Ann was full of information when I came to visit Carlisle."

"But if you're here to see Dr. Cullen, why are you in the cafeteria?" Bella spoke before thinking. "Sorry. It's none of my business."

Laughing, Esme said, "Don't worry about it. I'm here because Carlisle is busy putting stitches in your father's head. I don't do well with blood, so I figured I'd hide out here until he was finished." She opened the small cooler in front of her and grabbed a water bottle, then headed to the cash register to pay.

"Care to join me, Bella?" she asked.

"Sure." Bella filled her drink and paid.

Following Esme to a small table in the corner of the room, Bella took a deep breath. It was disconcerting to have people that she'd never met know so much about her. This was one of the things she'd always hated about Forks, and a reason she'd been happy to leave in the first place; it was unsettling to realize that just because she wasn't here didn't mean she wasn't still a topic of conversation.

"Tell me about yourself, Bella. I hear you have a new job."

"Does my dad tell _everyone _ about me?"

The woman smiled. "I'm afraid so. He's proud of you."

Bella sighed, but figured it couldn't hurt to tell Esme about her job, she probably already knew most of it anyway. She told her about her small, unoriginal cubicle, and about the project she hoped to be helping with soon. It felt like she was rambling, but she answered every question that Esme asked.

Until, she asked the one Bella had hoped she wouldn't.

"And how are you doing lately? Your dad says it's been hard for you since…" Esme stopped mid-sentence after looking at Bella's face. "Sorry. I shouldn't pry like that."

Bella stared at the cup in her hands. "It's okay. It has been hard. I thought that it would get easier with time. That's what people say. But…maybe I'm just…broken or something. It hasn't gotten any easier for me yet."

Esme reached for her arm but paused, as if she was afraid to touch her. She drew her hand back when she heard Charlie's voice.

"I'm finished, Bella. Doc Carlisle has got to be the fastest stitcher-upper in the west."

Carlisle laughed, following Charlie into the room.

"I've been told that I'm quick."

Bella laughed at the easy conversation between her father and the doctor.

"So, Dr. Cullen. What's the damage?" she asked.

"Well, I could have closed it with six or seven stitches, but I wanted to make sure it didn't leave a big scar, so I put in twelve."

"You really are fast. I may have to drive to Forks next time I need stitches."

Carlisle greeted Esme with a kiss and turned back to face Charlie and Bella. "We won't keep you here any longer. I understand you have a barbecue to get back to. I'll see you in a week to remove the stitches, Charlie."

"Thanks, Doc. Good to see you, Esme."

"You, too. And it was lovely to meet you, Bella," Esme said as she waved from Carlisle's side.

Bella walked with Charlie to her car. "Dr. Cullen and his wife seem really nice."

"They are. Shame they don't have any kids to fill up the big house they bought just outside of town."

"They want kids?" Bella was thinking about how kind Esme had been to her, and the thought that she may not be able to have children was depressing.

Charlie shrugged. "I try not to listen to gossip, but I've heard a few things. Never know what the truth is, so I usually don't believe any of it."

The drive back to the park was quiet as Bella thought about the pain of knowing she could never have a family with Edward. It wasn't her pain alone, apparently. She felt a certain kinship with Esme.

Seeing Seth standing by Charlie's cruiser when they arrived at the park pulled her out of her funk. "My mom said I should make sure you were safe driving home," he explained, and Bella laughed out loud.

With a grunt, Charlie rolled his eyes and climbed out of her car. He mumbled, "Women…" as he got into the cruiser and unlocked the passenger side for Seth.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Chaos had never been Charlie's style, until now. From large barbecues at his house on Saturday afternoon to bonfires at First Beach on Sunday, he seemed to be enjoying the company of Sue's family tremendously. Bella liked watching as he interacted with them. For the first time she could remember, he seemed happy.

It was such a good feeling, seeing him like this, and yet it left her with an ache that she couldn't define.

She watched the group of people who had gathered on the beach. Leah and her husband played with their toddler at the edge of the water, and Seth strolled along the sand with Gina, the girl he had brought home from college. Jake and his new girlfriend were piling the wood for the bonfire, stopping to steal kisses when they thought nobody could see. He was apparently content to stay in La Push, living with his father and taking care of his needs, while dating a local girl. Even Billy was preoccupied with telling stories to his grandchildren, while his daughter Rachel looked on. Charlie held Sue's hand as they moved from one group to the other, visiting and laughing. They were one big family.

And Bella was alone.

She found herself sitting on a huge driftwood log, watching as the sun set over the water. The damp air swirled around her, and she shivered. Her hand reached reflexively for the ring that now resided on a chain around her neck - it was there so she could feel its presence, and nobody would be any wiser – and she rubbed it, thinking of the plans she and Edward had made for their own family one day.

A small voice startled her.

"Miss Bella, whatcha doin'?" Amanda, Rachel's daughter, asked.

Bella smiled and answered. "Just watching the sunset."

"Why are you doin' it all by yourself?" Amanda touched her arm as she spoke, her eyes looking into Bella's.

"That's a very good question," Bella said. "Would you like to watch with me?"

Amanda nodded and pointed at Bella's shirt. "Can I see your necklace?"

Bella's fingers reached inside of her shirt, and she retrieved the chain, showing the ring to Amanda as she climbed onto the log.

"That's really pretty. Who gived it to you?"

"Someone very special."

"Where are they? Are they coming here to be with you?"

Bella stopped for a minute, and took a deep breath to ease the sharp pain that had engulfed her chest before she answered. "He's in Heaven. He can't be here with me."

Amanda pondered for a moment, and then in all of her childlike wisdom, she said, "Maybe he sent the pretty clouds from Heaven for you to see." She didn't wait to hear Bella's response; instead hopping down to run for her brother as he wandered close to the water. "Momma's gonna get you if you get in that water, Jason."

Bella sat still on the log for a while longer, whispering to herself. She remembered the sunsets she had watched with Edward, the way he would point out the shapes of the multi-colored clouds and talk about how the pink shades reminded him of her blush. "Is that you, Edward? Do you still care about me, wherever you are?"

The ping of a text message caught her attention, and she looked at her phone.

**My friends in Astoria asked me to spend the holiday with them. I know it's late, but would you like to join us tomorrow?**

It was from Brad. Maybe this was the message she needed. Brad was alive, asking her to spend time with him. Edward wasn't.

Tired of being alone, she typed in her response.

**I'll tell my dad I've made new plans. Call me and we'll work out the details. It'll be good to see you.**

A sense of relief surged through her as she waited for the phone to ring. She wouldn't be alone for the holiday.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Getting out the door was more of a challenge than Bella had imagined. Charlie had to do a once-over of her car, and Sue wouldn't allow her out of the house until she was properly fed and had snacks for the drive. Seth and Gina were still sleeping, and Bella was barely able to stop Sue from calling them up from the reservation to say goodbye. So, she left her father's house forty-five minutes later than she had intended.

While she was stopped at the gas station, she noticed a black Mercedes at the light. The windows were tinted so that she could barely make out the people inside, but the passenger window was open halfway, and she thought she saw Esme Cullen inside. The light changed before she could be sure, and she watched as three dark shapes in the back seat moved. A tingle wound down her spine as she felt eyes on her, and she was positive that someone was watching her from inside the car.

Shaking off the odd feeling, she hopped into her car and started her trip. Thankfully, holiday traffic was still fairly light just before eight, so she was hoping to make it down the coast in record time. Unfortunately, once she got past Hoquiam and Aberdeen, the road filled up with more people on their way to different parts of the coast. She was running behind schedule - Brad was expecting her around ten-thirty - and she didn't want to be later than she already was. Her fingers constantly worried the ring on her necklace, and she found that she was extremely nervous about spending time with Brad once she got to Astoria.

Charlie had demanded to know Brad's cell phone number and the address of his friends' home, 'just in case', reminding Bella that he was practically a stranger to her. The longer she was in the car, the more those words bothered her, and she was having all kinds of disturbing thoughts.

When she finally pulled into the driveway of his friends' home, it was a quarter after twelve. Brad was sitting on the porch, and he jumped up to greet her with a hug as she stepped out of her car. Her nervousness was eased as he talked to her, and she saw, once again, the kindness in his eyes.

"It's so good to see you, Bella," he said, taking her small bag out of her hand and carrying it into the house.

"I'm glad you invited me."

A man and a woman were inside, watching television. They turned to acknowledge her.

"Bella, this is Chad and his wife Bianca. Chad, Bianca, this is Bella Swan, my friend."

He led her to a small room in the back. "I hope you don't mind staying in the guest room back here. I know it's only for the night, but it's small."

Bella shook her head. "It's perfect. I can look at the water from the window."

After she was settled in, Brad led her outside, taking her hand as they walked. "I thought you might want to walk to the river and watch the ships for a little while."

"Sounds nice," she said, looking down at their joined hands.

He noticed. Holding their hands up, he asked, "You okay with this?"

She nodded.

Brad talked as they walked, telling her about growing up with Chad. "We were best friends. I went to college, he got married. It's strange how different our paths have been. But we still talk and get together when we can."

"I'm glad you've been able to remain friends." Bella smiled at him.

"Chad is a fisherman. His dad owns the boat, and they go out for weeks at a time. It's not an easy life."

"Does Bianca mind?" Bella was curious about his friends.

Brad laughed. "I think she kind of likes it."

They arrived at the river, and he sat down on the banks. "We're going out on their boat tonight to watch the fireworks. It should be fun. And the weather is nice, so the trip down the Columbia and into the ocean should be smooth."

Both of them were quiet as they watched a ship sail past.

~X~X~X~X~X~

There were eight of them watching the fireworks from the deck, reclining in deck chairs and shouting as they watched the display from the shore.

Brad reached over to take Bella's hand again, and she didn't resist, but the warm hand in hers as the fireworks exploded reminded her of the last Fourth of July. She and Edward had spent it with his parents, at their cabin.

The day had started off with a huge breakfast on the deck. Fresh fruit and crepes, Elizabeth's favorite, and that day she had also cut watermelon, strawberries, and blueberries to go along with her patriotic theme. The table had been set with red, white, and blue flowers in the middle, red dishes and blue napkins on a white tablecloth. She chatted happily while the rest of them tried to wake up.

After breakfast, they had gone into town to participate in the festivities that were planned for the holiday – the parade, the local talent show in the park, and the silent auction to raise money for a family in need. Ed purchased an old car at the auction, and Edward had picked up a riding lawn mower that they didn't really need.

Elizabeth spent most of the afternoon shopping at the boutique that the local women had set up for the day. Bella knew that many of the items she'd picked up would find their way into Edward's car.

And the fireworks that night had been spectacular. They sat in camp chairs in the park, cheering with the locals as they watched. Edward held her hand through the entire show, squeezing it when the largest fireworks exploded.

That night, when they had returned to the cabin, Edward pulled her to the hammock that was suspended between two large pine trees. They snuggled together, swinging slightly. His hands ran over her body, and she relished the feel of it.

"Next year at this time, you'll be finished with school. Life will be so different for us. I can't wait for everything that means," he whispered, kissing behind her ear.

"But I still need to finish school. Who knows if I can do it?"

"I have faith in you. Besides, I won't let you fail, there's too much riding on it." He chuckled at her protests. "I love you, Bella. I'm holding you to the promise you made. Next year can't come fast enough."

Bella was smiling, rubbing the ring on her neck, as she thought about Edward.

Brad was aware of the change in her. "Hey, where'd you go just now?" he asked.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about the fireworks last year."

He was quiet for a while as the finale exploded in the air above their heads. When the show was over and silence fell around them, he pulled on her hand, leading her to the side of the boat.

"You seemed so happy a few minutes ago. Were you thinking about Edward?"

Bella nodded.

"You're still very connected to him, aren't you?" His words were soft, and he seemed let down.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

Brad pulled her close and wrapped her in his arms. "Don't worry about me, Bella. I was hoping that you had moved forward more than that, I guess. But you're here. That's a big step for you."

"It is."

"Can I ask you something?"

Her mind raced. He might ask anything – about her, about Edward. She bit her lip and answered, "Okay, I guess."

"Why didn't you have plans with your friends tonight? And why were you so willing to leave your dad's house and all of the people there, to drive nearly four hours to be here? Did you really want to spend time with me, or were you running away?"

Guilt overwhelmed her for a moment. "I did want to see you," she said. "But I _was_ kind of running away from my dad's. And I'm not really talking to Jess and Ang right now."

"Oh?" Brad tilted her head up so that he could see her eyes. "What happened?"

The boat was ready to dock, and Brad held a finger up to Bella. "I'm going to help Chad. We'll talk about this on the way back to the house."

When he returned a few minutes later, he took her hand. "I told them we're walking. Now, talk."

Bella started by telling him about Charlie and Sue, and how Charlie blended in so seamlessly with Sue's family and friends. "I didn't really feel like I belonged there. It was awful."

"You know that it's your choice whether you fit in or not, right?" Brad smiled at her.

"Thanks Dr. Freud." She giggled. It felt good.

"And what about Jessica and Angela?"

She blew out a huff of frustration. "That's a long and complicated story."

"I have time."

"They took me to lunch on Edward's birthday, and we kind of got into a fight. Angela thinks I'm being selfish."

"Are you?"

The question made Bella pause. "Maybe. I don't know."

She told him about Angela's wedding and Jessica's pregnancy, and how it had been hard for her to be excited for them.

Brad sat on the lawn in front of a strange house, pulling Bella to sit with him. "They love you, but they can't understand how you feel right now. Both of them are facing new things in their lives, and they don't know how to cope with the fact that you aren't your old self. Forgive them."

"How do you know so much?" Bella asked, surprised by his insight.

"I have a little experience with grief, Bella."

Her eyes widened. "What?"

"I lost my little sister, but that's a story for another time. Tonight, I want to talk about you."

"But…" She thought about how understanding Brad had been, and it made more sense. "You lost a sister? Why didn't you tell me before?"

He redirected the conversation. "You know, you've never told me much about what happened with you and Edward. I mean, I know that you lost him, but there's so much more, isn't there."

For some reason, Bella didn't mind his questions. She found herself telling him about her promise and the fact that they had been so close to what Edward wanted.

"I wish sometimes that I would have been able to say goodbye, at least. But with the fire, I didn't even get to see him a last time. Maybe that's why the letters have been so important to me." She sighed. 'I'm sorry. I shouldn't be unloading all of this on you. Thank you for listening."

Brad put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. "I do have an ulterior motive," he said, grinning. "I get to spend time with you."

She laughed with him, and he stood, offering her his hand. They walked together, hands clasped, back to Chad and Bianca's.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Every time she looked across the room at Edward, his face shimmered, and changed. Then Brad would be in the chair, watching her. His countenance would alter, and she'd be looking at Edward again. The constant wave of change was nauseating.

"Bella," Edward's voice whispered, "what's wrong?"

Brad piped in, "Are you okay, Bella? You need to give yourself a chance to heal."

Edward: "Bella, do you still want forever?"

And Brad: "Can we see each other again?"

She felt a hand on one arm and was surprised to see Edward, pulling her toward the bedroom. Another hand grabbed her other wrist - Brad was pulling her to the front door.

Confusion twisted her mind, and she wished that she could understand what was going on. She was shaking.

Someone was shaking her.

"Bella, are you okay?"

Her eyes opened. Brad was standing over her, trying to wake her.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Just a bad dream. I'm sorry."

Her mind was still fuzzy, and she couldn't remember where she was. The surroundings were unfamiliar, and it took her a minute to realize she was in the small room at Chad and Bianca's house. Brad had rushed in from the living room, where he had been sleeping on the sofa. It was already light.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"Nine-thirty. You were tired."

"I should get moving. I have a long drive ahead of me, and I need to do laundry for work tomorrow."

Brad shook his head. "I'm taking you to breakfast first."

He turned to walk out of the room but stopped for a second. "I probably shouldn't ask this, and you can tell me to mind my own business, but last night you said you never got to say goodbye to Edward. Didn't you get to see him…after?"

She shook her head.

"Are you…? Never mind."

"What?" she asked, her curiosity piqued.

"Nothing. Just a weird random thought."

Brad went to change, and Bella was left to ponder his meaning.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The drive back to Seattle was long, and Bella was exhausted when she got home. Her mind had been racing the entire time, thinking about what Brad didn't say.

She had never seen Edward's body, and she was receiving letters from someone who knew a lot about her life with him. What if…?

But the possibility was too bizarre. Too far-fetched. Besides, they had positively identified him, and Charlie had been involved. If there were any questions about his identity, her father would have covered them.

Grabbing her bag out of the back seat, Bella opened the door and reached for the mail. There was a stack, but she recognized the corner of the envelope.

Hurrying inside, she dropped her bag on the floor and the mail on the table, pulling the letter out of the pile, she tore into it.

_**Bella,**_

_**Your life has changed so much. School is finished. You have a new job and a person who is interested in you. Are you ready to let go? Is your first forever over?**_

_**Can you let go of the past?**_

_**Never forget that you are loved.**_

The letter fell from her hand.

She felt torn. The time with Brad had been so nice, and she'd actually felt better as they talked. But she ached for Edward with everything in her.

The rest of the mail was left untouched as she wandered around her home in a daze until she fell onto the bed and curled into a ball.

"I still want my forever," she mumbled.

A/N

I can never say thank you enough to my lovely pre-reader and betas. Ginny, Shug and Giselle are the bomb, as you know.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend here in the States.

I've tried to respond to your reviews (you are amazing), but there are some of you who don't have PM's turned on. I loved your reviews, but I can't reply to them personally. I hope I got all of the rest. Thank you for your support!

And on that note, I'd really love to hear what you're thinking after this chapter. ;)


	15. Chapter 15 Seeking Answers

Chapter 15 – Seeking Answers

The rest of July passed in a haze of work during the day and small notes from her anonymous friend and text messages or phone calls from Brad at night. There had been notes on her car or in her newspaper nearly every day. Most of them were just small thoughts - 'today will be better' or 'keep your chin up' - but others were cryptic, making her question everything she thought she knew - 'forever is possible' or 'don't give up yet'.

Brad had been sending her messages that encouraged her, too. Most of the time, though, he was making sure she was okay. After returning from Astoria after the Fourth, his messages had gone unanswered for a couple of days while she pulled herself together. When she finally did text him back, she explained what had happened with the letter.

**Sorry. Caught off guard by a letter when I returned. Took some time to sort it out.**

He had called her immediately.

"What was in the letter, Bella?" he had asked without even saying hello.

"They knew that I spent the holiday with you. They asked me if my first forever was over, and if I could move on." She shook as she told him about the letter.

Brad huffed into the phone.

"Is there anyone who would care that you were starting to date besides Edward? His parents, maybe?"

"I know his parents haven't been writing the letters, Brad. I talked to Elizabeth about them."

"Your friends?"

She had sighed. "My friends set me up with you, remember?"

"Someone is watching you. They know where you go and who you spend your time with. Doesn't that bother you?" he had finally asked, exasperated.

"I've never felt threatened by this person, Brad. They haven't done anything to hurt me."

"Yet," he'd growled.

"Now you sound like my dad. Can't you just let this go?"

The conversation had gone in circles for an hour, and when they finally called it a night, Brad had been upset with her. He was more suspicious about who was writing the letters, and his ideas led her to wonder more than she had previously.

"It's time to get a security system. You may not be safe, Bella. I guess I'll talk to you later." And he had ended the call.

Bella had started to feel like the letter writer was competing with Brad for her attention. And Brad had been completely upfront about the fact that he felt like he was competing against a ghost for her affections.

Over all, confusion had been her chief companion for the last few weeks, sleeping pills her only method of getting rest. The nightmares were mostly held at bay by the medication.

Every time she looked at the urn in her living room, questions swirled through her mind. What had really happened that day in the warehouse? Why had the fire been set? What had Edward known that had cost him his life, if indeed the fire had been set to stop his investigation?

The frequent calls from Charlie were actually a relief, a momentary distraction to stop her mind from wondering at the possibilities. She'd even gone so far as to ask him how Edward's body had actually been identified and by whom.

"They used his dental records and matched his DNA to his parents'," Charlie had answered. "It was pretty clear that it was Edward." Nobody who knew him had seen the body – he assured her that it was better that way.

He'd left it at that, and she hadn't wanted to ask any more questions that would have given her a better idea of what Edward had suffered in the fire. She couldn't risk knowing more. Her dreams, when they broke through the sleeping pills, were bad enough with the information she did have.

It was strange for her to be a new kind of holding pattern. It felt different from before, when her grief had been so overwhelming that she couldn't function. Now, the questions about his death motivated her to get up and face each day. She was curious. And angry. And focused on something besides his death.

At lunch one day, she told Elizabeth what she was thinking.

"I'm not really sure that Edward died in the fire, Liz. There are just so many questions about what happened. And none of us saw his body."

Liz shook her head. "Honey, I know you want to believe in the possibility, but he was positively identified."

"But what if someone falsified the records? Maybe there's a reason he would disappear and pretend to be dead."

Elizabeth placed her hand over Bella's on the table and looked her in the eye. "He's gone. I know it hurts and that you would do anything to bring him back, but you can't. We all know how much you miss Edward, but to think that it wasn't him who died in the fire, well it just doesn't make sense. If he were alive, he would have contacted us by now. It's been almost a year. Maybe it would help if you talked to a counselor about how you've been feeling."

She wanted to argue with Liz, but she couldn't. "You're right. I guess I just want to believe that there's some hope."

Elizabeth squeezed her hand. "I thought you were dating someone, trying to get back to living. What about this guy?"

"Brad is a really nice guy. He's been a good friend and listened to me whine about Angela and Jessica and my dad. But I just don't see it going anywhere right now. I still can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm going to wake up one day and Edward will be there in our bed. It's silly, I know." Bella squeezed Liz's hand and then removed her own. "Besides, Brad lives just outside of Las Vegas. I can't really date him in any traditional sense."

Liz laughed lightly. "I guess that settles that. I was hoping to meet him soon."

Bella changed the subject. "Hey, did I tell you that I'm going out of town in August? I'm working on the team that will design a condo complex in Liberty Lake. We have to incorporate green space into our plan and meet with the City Council to have everything approved. We'll be there for a week to meet with the client and survey the property. I'm really excited."

"I think that's wonderful, Bella…but you'll be so close to Spokane." Elizabeth's expression went from joy to concern. "Will you be okay going there?"

Struggling to keep a smile on her face, Bella replied, "I'll be okay. We'll fly in and head straight to Liberty Lake. I doubt we'll even pass by the…" She choked slightly.

"Call me if you need anything," Liz said.

"I will." Bella stood to gather her purse and her cell phone. "I really should get back to work. We've been having afternoon meetings every day, getting ready for our trip. I'll see you later."

Liz got up and hugged Bella. "I'll see you soon. Love you."

"Love you, too," Bella said, breaking the embrace and hurrying to leave.

There was no way she was going to tell Liz how much she dreaded the idea of being near Spokane. There was a certain morbid curiosity that egged her on, making her sure that she needed to see the site of the fire. But her heart would ache as she thought about seeing the place where Edward's life had ended.

She looked back over her shoulder and saw that Liz was watching her with concern. "Great," she said to herself. "Now she thinks I'm crazy."

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella dropped into bed that night without eating, exhausted from the non-stop meetings and the conference call that had dragged on until eight-thirty. It had been all she could do to change into one of Edward's t-shirts when she got home before the mattress called to her and she crawled under the covers. Sleeping pills were out. There was no way she'd be up and into the office before seven if she took one this late. Her eyes drifted shut as soon as she snuggled into the pillow.

Every part of her body felt like lead, and it seemed as though she was being sucked into the bed slowly, drifting further and further down into the abyss.

A soft voice carried to her on the breeze that tickled her face, and she wasn't sure if it was real or the beginning of a dream.

"_Bella, I miss you. You have to find your way to me."_

It was Edward. Every cell in her body screamed out for him. She tried to speak, but it was impossible to force the sounds through her throat.

"_I still want forever with you."_

"Edward?" she managed finally. "Is that you?"

Her hands fumbled in the darkness around her, finding nothing to hold. Another breeze swept her hair across her face.

"_Bella."_

It had to be him, and she was desperate to find him.

"Edward? Where are you?"

Soft lips caressed her forehead as she heard, "_I love you._" She sat up, sucking in a breath, ready to scream.

Her room was dark; the only brightness a sliver of moonlight reaching in from the bottom of the blind. Reaching for her nightstand, she turned on the light and scanned the room, certain that she would find him there.

There was nobody.

Remembering the breeze, she stepped out of bed to shut the window. Since Edward had been gone, she slept with them locked, and she couldn't believe she had left one open before going to work that day.

But the window was closed, the lock in place.

Climbing back into bed, the strangest feeling of being watched enveloped her. Her cell phone was on the nightstand, and she grabbed it, clutching it tightly in her hand. But who could she call? They would think she was going crazy, imagining that Edward had been in her room. Elizabeth already thought she needed help. She didn't want to make it worse.

For the rest of the night, she dozed restlessly, jumping at the slightest sound – the house settling, the wind blowing through the eaves, a dog barking down the street. Her mind wasn't able to let go and fully drift back to sleep.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Sunday night, Bella was rushing through her home, trying to collect everything she would need for her trip to Spokane. Her work schedule had been so crazy that she hadn't even had time to do all of her laundry, let alone all of the little errands that she needed to do. She was in her bedroom, sorting clothes, when she heard a popping noise and the sound of rushing water.

She checked the bathrooms and, finding nothing, moved toward the laundry room off of the kitchen. Water was gushing under the door and flowing into her kitchen, toward the living room. Opening a drawer, she grabbed all of her kitchen towels and placed them at the bottom of the door to stop the flow of water before opening it to look for the source.

Water sprayed from behind the washing machine with so much force that it hit the ceiling, tearing through the paint and into the sheetrock. Already bits of mushy ceiling were falling to the floor. The wall behind the washer and dryer was soaked, and the floor was under at least an inch of water.

The only thing she could think of that would help was shutting off all of the water supply to the house, so she ran to the basement and turned the knob, listening as the hissing sound from the laundry room abated.

Near tears, she dialed Charlie's number, but he didn't answer. A frustrated sob escaped, and she dialed again, this time Ed and Elizabeth's home number.

"Bella, how are you?" Elizabeth asked.

"I need your help," she whimpered.

Elizabeth gasped. "Are you okay?"

"There's water everywhere. I don't even know what happened, but water was spraying from behind the washing machine. The ceiling in the laundry room is torn apart, and I don't know if there's more water damage behind the washer and dryer. I have to leave for Spokane early tomorrow, and I don't know what to do." By now, she was breathing heavy, trying not to cry, as she ran up the stairs to gather her bath towels and use them to soak up water.

"I'll grab Ed. We'll be there in a few minutes."

"Thank you."

Bella was so relieved she sagged for a moment on a kitchen chair after dropping towels all over the floor to soak up the water. Surveying the scene, she tried to figure out what to do next.

Elizabeth was true to her word, and within ten minutes, she and Ed were at the front door, his toolbox in hand. Liz had a shop-vac.

Ed stepped past Bella, giving her a quick peck on the top of the head, and Elizabeth hugged her.

"Let's see what I can do, kiddo," Ed said as he entered the laundry room.

Liz plugged in the shop-vac and started to clean up the water as Bella wrung out the towels in the sink. Within minutes, Ed was calling for Bella.

"Look at this. The cold water hose exploded. Looks like the other one isn't far behind. I've turned off the water back here, so you can turn it on to the rest of the house. I'm afraid you won't be able to do any laundry until we can get this fixed."

"Figures," Bella said. "I need to do a few things so that I can pack. And I hate coming home to a dirty house when I go out of town. And now all of my towels need to be washed, too."

Her head dropped into her hands, and she sighed loudly.

Warm hands on her shoulders made her look up. Liz was waiting for her gaze. "I will take the towels and clean them. I'll even bring them back here. Ed has some large fans. They're in the car. We can turn them on and see how much we can dry things up. When you come back on Saturday, we'll help you make the repairs you need to make. Any laundry you need to do before you leave, you can do at our house."

"Are you sure?" Bella asked.

"Positive. I'm happy we can help you."

Elizabeth grabbed a couple of large trash bags and stuffed the dripping towels into them. She motioned for Bella to grab whatever laundry she still had to do, and while Bella went upstairs, Ed retrieved the fans from the car. He was setting them up in the laundry room when Bella came back down.

"Thank you, Ed. I don't know what I would have done without your help."

He smiled at her. "I'm glad you asked for help. I'd take care of the repairs while you're gone, but I have a busy week ahead. If I have time, I'll pick up reinforced hoses to replace the old ones."

"You don't have to do that."

Ed placed a hands on Bella's arm and looked into her eyes. "I want to. Let us help you, please."

She nodded and followed the couple to their car.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella was enjoying her first foray into a big project. She had known that the trip to Spokane would be busy, but she hadn't realized that the days would be so long, and that they would be under so much pressure to cater to the client. Her fears about falling apart on the trip had been difficult to push aside, but she had forced herself to focus on her work.

By Wednesday, she had finally come to terms with the idea that each day she was driving past the part of Spokane where Edward had died. The Valley, they called it, and if she looked as they drove to Liberty Lake, she was positive she could find the site where the warehouse stood.

She had taken to reading while they traveled, avoiding the urge to try to see the burnt out shell of the warehouse. Besides, there were enough specs and files for this job to keep her busy for months.

Wes, the lead architect on the job, was impressed with her desire to do well.

"Bella, you keep working like this and you'll be heading up projects before you know it."

Lauren glared at her from the other side of the car.

From the beginning of the project, she'd known that she'd be working with Lauren on a daily basis, and she thought she could handle it. What she hadn't known was that she would be stuck sharing a suite with Lauren for an entire life-sucking week. It hadn't been pleasant at all, and it had become apparent that Lauren didn't like her for some unknown reason. Not that she cared much.

Bella raised her eyebrows at Lauren, taunting her.

"Lauren, did you ever get in touch with that Real Estate guy, Robert?" Bella asked.

Lauren rolled her eyes and opened her planner. "I've called him several times, but he hasn't returned my calls. He's been out of town, according to his assistant."

"We need to touch base with him. It's important that we have a little insight into what's selling right now." Wes didn't sound pleased.

"I'll try him again as soon as we get to the developer's office." She glared at Bella.

Bella opened the file she had on her lap and continued to read, ignoring Lauren.

It would be another nine hours before they headed back to their hotel for the night, and she hoped that by then they would have a few new issues worked out.

Her cell phone buzzed, indicating an incoming text. It was from Brad.

**Sorry so slow getting back to you. Busy week. Lots of people on vacation here. Hope Spokane is nice. Did you visit the place?**

He was adamant that she needed to see the warehouse where Edward died, to get some closure. She sighed, and typed her response.

**Too busy to go there. Don't think it would make a difference anyway. Miss talking to you.**

Between her hours on this project and Brad's busy life in Vegas, they really hadn't spoken much in the last couple of weeks. In fact, this was the first time he had texted her since the end of July.

When she looked up, Lauren was studying her, stretching her neck to try to see the phone. Bella turned away.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella was beyond exhausted when they finally got back to the suite. Lauren was going on and on about the problems with the plans and the fact that the developer had yet to sign off on them, saying they were 'missing something'. It had been a frustrating day.

As she walked into her room and closed the door to shut out Lauren's incessant rambling, she noticed an envelope on the bed. Curious, she opened it and pulled out a newspaper article.

About Edward. And the fire.

She slumped onto the bed, her hands shaking as she read. The reporter had asked some hard questions about Edward's death and the fact that his remains had been so battered and burned that it had been difficult to identify him. Bella gagged, feeling nauseated at the grim picture the article painted. He went on to question the investigation into the fire, and the fact that the police were still scratching their heads over the accelerant used. Apparently, the owner of the warehouse – Edward's client – had been in a hurry to demolish the remains of the building and start to build its replacement. The police were holding him up with their ongoing investigation. The article was dated January twenty-sixth, more than six months ago.

Bella checked the envelope to see if there was anything else or if she could find out who had put the envelope in her room. There was nothing. She laid back on the bed. Was the building gone? Had they found out anything more since January? And more importantly, who wanted her to know about this badly enough to leave the article?

Curiosity burned in her, and she finally made a choice. It only took a few minutes to call the cab company and arrange a ride to The Valley. She had to see the place where Edward had died.

As she waited for the cab, she Googled the address of the warehouse and looked for any other articles about Edward. The cabbie knew the area and told her it would only take a few minutes to get there, so she continued to read the information she had found. A few months ago, the articles and pictures she found would have left her unable to function, but today they made her angry and gave her a sense of purpose.

The driver stopped in front of a construction site.

"Should I wait?" he asked.

"No. I may be a while. I'll call for another cab to pick me up."

"You know, it's going to get dark soon. It's not really a good idea for you to be here all alone," the driver advised.

"I know," Bella said. "But I need to spend a little time here without worrying that I'm keeping you from your job. Thanks."

The man shrugged and pulled away.

The original warehouse was gone, and there was no sign of any trauma to the surrounding buildings. Bella approached the fence that surrounded the site. She searched the area, looking for any indication that there was still an investigation going on, only to be disappointed that there was nothing but a trailer and a single tractor in what was left of the original parking lot. The foundation of the new building was in place, and the framing had been done, but most of the walls hadn't been finished, and the site looked oddly deserted.

Her eyes scanned the far end of the framed shell, where the only complete wall stood, and she gasped as she saw movement there. The sun had traveled lower, and she couldn't be sure, but she thought there was the shape of a man at the edge of the building, sliding around the corner and out of sight. The short glimpse she had gave her the impression that he was built like Edward - and that his hair was the color of copper in the waning sunlight.

She ran to the fence, trying the locked gate and looking for a way into the construction site. There was someone there, and she desperately needed to see who it was. But there was no clear way into the fence. Her fingers wrapped in the chain link and pulled, shaking the fencing as she looked for a weakness.

A voice behind her made her jump.

"You know, the only way in is to climb the fence. I really don't think that's a good idea. You look like you might hurt yourself if you did. And if you did get in, and fell into an open hole, you'd be trapped. Heaven only knows how long it would take to get you help."

A tinkling laugh followed the woman's outburst, and Bella turned to see who was speaking.

"Are you okay?" the petite woman asked with concern when Bella turned, wiping tears from her face.

Bella nodded. "I'll be fine."

The dark haired woman stepped forward and offered Bella her hand. "I'm Alice Whitlock."

"I'm Bella Swan."

"So, what are you doing, Bella? Why are you lurking at a stalled construction site?" Alice tilted her head to the side, curious.

One word hit Bella. "Stalled?"

"Haven't you heard?" Alice was bouncing on her feet.

Bella shook her head. "I haven't heard anything about it." She felt a little irritated that she didn't know anything about what was going on.

Alice smiled at her. "I've just finished my jog. Why don't we grab a coffee and you can tell me what your connection is to this site. I'll tell you the rest."

With some hesitation, Bella finally agreed, and followed Alice back to her car. She couldn't believe she was doing this, but Alice didn't seem threatening to her. In fact, she acted like she was a long-lost friend.

When they were seated in the Starbucks down the street from her hotel, Alice started her story. "Well, I jog past that site every now and then. I've been watching the progress. They tore down what was left of the old warehouse, and they were starting the foundation for the new building, but the District Attorney stopped them."

"Why?"

"There had been a death in the fire that destroyed the old building-"

"I know," Bella said cutting her off.

Alice waited for more, and when Bella didn't go on, she continued. "There were questions about whether the fire was set to stop an investigation. So, the DA tried to stop the construction. But I guess he didn't have enough evidence, and the building commenced. Then the owner, Mr. Leitner, just disappeared. All of the construction stopped at that point. It's been like this for the last three months."

"He disappeared?"

Alice held her hands up and snapped. "Like that. He probably had off shore accounts, and some people think he jetted away when the DA got too close to the truth about his business dealings."

Bella had a feeling there was more. "But you don't," she stated. "What do you think happened?"

The other woman leaned forward, and Bella followed suit. Alice whispered, "I think that whatever shady business dealings he had going on finally caught up with him."

The air left Bella's lungs in a loud sigh.

"So, it's your turn now," Alice said, and Bella jerked as though she'd been hit.

"What?" Bella asked.

Alice smiled at her. "Is there has to be a reason you were in The Valley alone? Don't you know it can be dangerous after dark? You were awfully anxious to get into that construction site, Bella. What's up with that?"

Bella shook her head, not sure if she could discuss this with a complete stranger.

"Come on. I shared my story. Now you." Alice brushed Bella's arm with fingers that were icy from the drink she held. "That's what friends do."

Bella looked at her, a shocked look on her face.

"Friends?"

Alice just laughed. "Sure. You're going to give me your cell phone number. I'll give you mine. That's how it works. I have a feeling you and I will be great friends."

With that, Alice pulled her cell phone out of her bag and handed it to Bella. "Here you go. Call your phone."

It made no sense to do it - she didn't know Alice at all - but Bella pressed the numbers and heard her phone ringing in her pocket.

"Perfect," Alice said. "Now, tell me what you were doing at the construction site."

After a deep breath, Bella told her. "The man who died there?"

Alice just nodded, waiting.

"He was my boyfriend. Well, he was a lot more than that, but…"

Her new friend reached over and took her hand. "That must have been awful." Alice's face was drawn, sadness etched there.

Bella looked away, staring at the window and the people who passed on the street. "You have no idea."

"Tell me about him."

It felt good to have someone ask her about Edward - not about his death, but about who he was. "He was smart and handsome. He was an attorney, and it looked like he was going to be the youngest partner his firm had ever had. Confidence was important for his job, but even more for me, because I was a trial from day one."

They laughed together.

"You miss him, don't you?" Alice asked.

Bella could feel her eyes filling with tears. "Every day."

Before she could say more, her cell phone rang. She looked at the display. It was Wes.

"Hello," she answered, holding a finger up to Alice.

"Bella, we're in an emergency meeting. Where are you? Lauren said you took off."

"I'm just down the street. I can be back in a few minutes. What's happened?"

"The client wants something by tomorrow, or he's going to start considering another firm's plans."

"I'm at Starbucks. I'll bring coffee for everyone. Sounds like we're going to need it."

"Perfect," Wes said before hanging up.

"Something wrong?" Alice asked.

"That was the lead architect for the project I'm working on. The client says our project is missing something. He won't sign off on the plans. I need to get back for a meeting."

Bella got up and ordered the drinks she had offered, before turning to tell Alice goodbye.

"I'll drive you." Alice had her keys in her hand.

As they drove toward Bella's hotel, Alice rambled. "I am so glad I went out for a jog tonight. Of course, if we had a place near our home to jog, I wouldn't have run into you."

"Thanks, Alice," Bella said as she jumped out of the car and grabbed the drink tray. "I'll call you."

As she stepped into the elevator and pushed the button, an idea struck. "Alice, you are brilliant," she whispered.

The door to Wes's suite opened as she approached, and she couldn't wait to tell him what she'd come up with.

"Are the plans out?" she asked as she pushed past Lauren, whose smirk fell.

Wes waved her over, and she put the drinks on the desk in the room and moved to the table where the plans were displayed.

"I have an idea."

"Let's hear it," Wes said.

Bella started to point out a pathway through the edge of the condos. "What if we added a jogging track around the outer edge of the property? They wanted a fitness center for their homeowners, why not a place to jog in the open? It keeps the green space, but adds an element of healthy living. Joggers, moms with strollers, roller bladers – they can all use it."

Wes nodded, and Andy opened up a code book, making sure there wouldn't be complications if they went forward.

Lauren huffed. "A jogging trail? That's what you've come up with, Bella? You took off for more than two hours when you should have been working, and this is the best you can do?"

Andy turned and glared at Lauren, and Wes said, "I think it's a great idea. Getting a little air must have done you good, Bella." He smiled at her as he started to sketch a rough trail on the plans.

She texted Alice before she finally dropped into bed at midnight.

**You gave me a great idea, and I think you may have saved our contract. Thank you.**

~X~X~X~X~X~

Saturday morning as Bella dragged her luggage into the house, she stopped on the front steps. Her mail was being held at the post office, but she was not surprised to find a letter in her mailbox. Grabbing it, she went inside.

She dropped her bags in the living room and placed the letter on the table so that she could check the laundry room, to see how much damage there was to the walls.

Stopping in the entrance of the room, she surveyed the walls and the ceiling. It was back to normal. There was no sagging ceiling, and no water damage behind the washer and dryer. The hoses had been replaced with reinforced hoses, and the sheetrock had been repaired. The smell of fresh paint was still strong.

Ed had restored the laundry room while she was out of town.

Before she opened the letter, she wanted to call Ed and Elizabeth to thank them for taking care of the repairs and to find out what it had cost so that she could reimburse them.

Elizabeth answered on the first ring. "Bella, I'm so glad you called."

Bella could hear happiness in her voice.

"I needed to call and say thank you for your help. I don't know what I would have done if I had to come home to the mess from Sunday."

Chuckling, Liz said, "You know I wouldn't have allowed you to come home to dirty laundry _and_ a messed up laundry room."

"I'm grateful for that. I have some laundry to do from my trip, and I'm glad I'll be able to get to it today."

"Oh, Ed told me to tell you that he'll stop by tonight to install the new hoses so that you can do your laundry."

Bella froze.

"What?"

"I'm sure you saw them on the table. I put them there when I dropped off your towels. I hope you don't mind that I put the towels away instead of leaving them on the couch in the basket. I also put a few clothing items away for you," Liz said. "There was still a little bit of a mess from the ceiling, so I swept the laundry room, too."

Stunned, Bella said, "Um…I don't mind that you put them away. Thank you."

"Ed has a friend who can get to the laundry room ceiling sometime next week, if you'd like."

"No, really, that won't be necessary. It's already been taken care of."

Liz sounded surprised. "Oh. I'm glad. That means you won't have to deal with the mess of construction."

"Will you let him know that the hoses are installed? He doesn't need to do that tonight."

"I will." She sounded disappointed. "We were hoping to see you."

"You're welcome to stop by."

"Why don't you come to dinner tomorrow?" Liz asked.

"Sure." Bella was distracted. "Tomorrow would be great."

She was barely aware of the rest of the conversation.

Liz ended the call with, "I'll see you tomorrow at five."

Bella pressed the end button as she turned to look at the letter on the table. A strange feeling grabbed her chest. Her hands shook as she picked up the letter to open it.

** My Bella,**

**You should know by now that you will never have to face a problem on your own. Promises were made. They are still important. **

**I know you have felt alone, but you are not. Old friends and new will support you, and I will never let you down.**

**Remember that you can count on help when you need it.**

**I hope you will find the answers that you need. Soon.**

**Never forget that you are loved.**

Bella dropped the letter to the table and wrapped her arms around her body. It wasn't possible, was it? Could this be Edward and could he somehow be helping her?

Anger started to build.

If it was Edward, why wasn't he showing himself to her? Why was he keeping his distance?

Unfair.

The word played through her mind, over and over, until she was on her feet, her hands in fists at her side.

"Edward!" she yelled. "Where are you?"

She marched out of the kitchen, through the living room and toward her bedroom.

"How do you know what I need? Are you listening somehow? Is the house bugged?"

Fury like she had never known flowed through her body.

"Why are you hiding from me? If you really loved me, you would show yourself. What about your parents – do you know how much they miss you? How could you do this to all of us?"

Shaking, she stalked through the rest of the house, looking for signs of his presence. Finally, she returned to the kitchen and looked at the letter on the table.

The fury left her, and she felt weak.

"Am I losing my mind?" she whispered.

After a few minutes of calming herself, she decided it was time to figure out what was going on.

She picked up her laptop from its bag and opened it, placing it on the coffee table in the living room. Google was the first site she visited, followed quickly by the Spokesman Review's site.

Before she knew it, she had several different tabs open. Stories about the fire and Leitner's disappearance filled her browser.

The last words she typed into Google for the night were _Witness Protection Program_.

When she could no longer concentrate on the computer, she dragged herself to bed, realizing that she hadn't eaten since she got home.

"I need answers," she said to her empty room as she crawled into the bed. "I can't keep going like this."

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella didn't move until ten on Sunday morning. She was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Her empty stomach finally spurred her to action, and she crawled out of bed, heading to the kitchen to make an omelet.

She stopped in her tracks as she entered the room and noticed a paper under the magnet on the fridge. Two words were written in black marker.

_**I'm sorry.**_

**A/N**

**I'm sure you've all got theories. Care to share them with me? Lol**

**As always, much appreciation to GinnyW, Shug and Giselle-lx. They are the best! **

**I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed reading your reviews. You are fantastic! It makes my day. **

**I now have a thread on Twilighted. Come on over and play. Ask me some questions. I just might have some answers for you. I won't promise anything. **

**http(colon)/www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=33&t=17217**


	16. Chapter 16 Decisions

Chapter 16 – Decisions

Bella could feel the body behind her, holding her as she slept. Long fingers swept her hair away from her forehead, as a soft voice whispered to her.

"_This is how it could be for us. Forever. But I don't know if I can ask you for this kind of forever, Bella."_

She mumbled, "Edward," as her mind tried to wake up.

A hand was on hers, caressing her fingers. It stopped at her ring finger, touching something there, before returning to her face.

"_I'm so glad you still want me. Would you still, if you knew?"_

Wondering what he meant, she reached for the arm that had settled around her waist, but as she moved, the weight slipped away, and the body behind her was gone. She gasped as she opened her eyes.

"Just another dream," she whispered into the dark, as a single tear slipped down her face. When she reached up to wipe the tear from her cheek, she realized that the ring she normally wore around her neck was on the ring finger of her left hand.

She twisted it anxiously on her finger. Maybe Elizabeth was right, Maybe she did need a counselor. Was she imagining all of this?

Sleep evaded her for the rest of the night.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Clicking on her inbox on Thursday, Bella sighed loudly. Three emails from Angela were waiting. She groaned, realizing the she hadn't been communicating very well with her.

The subject line of each email said _Jessica's Baby Shower_.

Bella hit the speed dial for Angela on her cell phone for the first time in weeks – they had been communicating solely by email - and waited while it rang a couple of times.

"Hi, Bella," Angela said.

"I'm sorry. This project has been keeping me so busy. I'm hardly home, and I haven't checked my personal email for a couple of days."

"Are you sure you have time to help with Jess's baby shower?" Angela asked.

Bella grimaced as she replied. "Are you kidding me? How often will I get the chance to throw a baby shower for my friends?"

Angela laughed lightly. "Only a few times, I suppose. Anyway, the invitations are out there, it's too late to change. I really hope you don't mind using your back yard."

"Charlie has already been preparing it. He planted more flowers, and he's trimmed all of the trees. I think it just gave him a good excuse to visit me. And Sue directed his every move. It was actually kind of funny." She laughed as she thought of Sue pointing to the places she thought the flowers should be, and Charlie huffing as he moved them. It had been a wonderful visit with them.

"So he's with Sue?"

"You don't want to know _how_ with her he is. Anyway, I think it's getting really serious. I'm happy for him."

Angela paused before saying anything. "I'm glad, Bella. It's good that the two of you are mending your relationship."

"I have a lot of that to do," Bella whispered, cringing when she heard Angela sigh.

"Seems like I do, too," Angela said. Her voice sounded nervous.

An awkward silence followed.

"So what else do you need me to do?" A change of subject was needed. " I've ordered the cake and the food."

"And I've covered the games and party favors. I think all we need to do now is show up. Ben is going to bring some tables over Saturday morning, and Mike will bring Jess at ten-thirty. The crowd will descend at eleven."

"Do you think I should set up some canopies? I haven't watched the weather, but I know early September can be wet," Bella said.

She could hear Angela shuffling papers around. "Ah, crap. Do we even have time to order some? I really should have thought about that."

"Don't worry. Charlie brought his and Sue brought hers. I have two that Edward and I used for camping trips. We'll be fine."

As Angela replied, another voice called for Bella.

"Sorry, Ang. I've got to go. Demon woman is calling for me."

Angela laughed as she said goodbye, and Bella turned to face Lauren.

"Planning personal parties on company time, Bella? I'm sure Wes would be thrilled to know how you spend your time when he isn't looking."

"I didn't realize that you had no personal life, Lauren. I had to answer a few emails. No time at home, since I've been here so many hours each day. I'll be happy to tell Wes what I was doing."

Wes's voice carried to her. "What are you talking about, Bella?"

She smiled up at Lauren before answering. "I was just telling Lauren that I had just made a call to one of my friends to finalize plans for a baby shower. I haven't had a chance to respond to her emails."

Wes chuckled. "I know how that is. My wife finally came into the office yesterday to go over some vacation plans. Says she can't get any time with me. Thankfully, it will all be worth it when this project is finished. Which is why I'm here. If you don't have lunch plans, I'd like to get your input on the final plans for your jogging trail."

Bella jumped up from her desk. "I'd love to see it."

She smiled sweetly at Lauren, who was glaring at her.

"Would you like me to join you?" Lauren asked.

Wes thought about it for a moment. "You know, we'll need some food. Why don't you get orders from the whole team, and call Roxy's? Jenny can pick it up. Join us in the conference room when you're finished."

"You want me to order lunch?" Lauren asked. Her face was red and pinched.

Wes nodded. "I'll have a New York sized Philly Cheesesteak with potato salad. Ask Jenny to get some drinks and water and bring them in, too. Bella, what would you like?"

Bella shrugged, knowing that she wouldn't eat much of whatever she ordered. "Ceasar salad and cup of soup."

"Great. We'll see you when you've finished, Lauren," Wes said, leading Bella to the conference room.

Turning to look over her shoulder, Bella smirked as Lauren stomped her foot and flipped her off.

"So," Wes said as they walked, "a little birdie told me your birthday is coming up."

"What?" Bella asked, surprised.

He laughed. "Haven't you figured out that my Personal Assistant keeps me on top of things? You're on my team, so she let me know."

"Oh, I see."

"I think you should take a couple of days off. Enjoy your birthday. Maybe take a quick trip to Vegas to see a friend." Wes was smiling widely.

"Uh…how do you know about that?"

"Jenny heard Lauren discussing it. Seems Lauren likes to keep up with your life, Bella. You'd be wise to avoid spending any more time with her outside of work."

Bella sighed. "I know."

"So, I figure that we'll have all of the little kinks in this project ironed out just after Labor Day. Why don't you take Monday and Tuesday of the next week off? It'll give you a long weekend, and a chance to celebrate."

"You don't have to give me time off, Wes. Really, I don't like to celebrate my birthday."

"Take the time. Enjoy a break. Consider it comp time. I know how much extra time you've spent on this project. The dark circles under your eyes aren't going to improve working the hours you have been. Besides, it'll piss Lauren off." He winked and entered the room ahead of her.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Saturday morning dawned bright and sunny. Bella still put up the canopies, in case clouds rolled in later in the day. Ben arrived with the tables as she was setting up the last canopy, and he helped her, before placing the tables and chairs in the positions she requested.

"Looks like we've got it, Ben. Thank you," Bella said as she led him back into the house.

He hesitated for a moment before touching her arm. "Thanks for helping Angela with the shower. She misses you, you know?"

"I know. I'm really sorry. I…" She hesitated, and Ben waited patiently. "I needed time. Angela is my best friend, but I didn't know how to react to the things she said."

"She knows. Give her a chance to talk to you later today, please."

Bella nodded. "Of course."

Their conversation was cut short when Angela walked through the front door. "How's it looking?"

"The canopies and tables are set up. The caterer will be here in half an hour with the food and the cake. I'm not sure what decorations you have to put up."

Angela held up two large bags. "These are most of the decorations. The party favors are in the car."

Ben volunteered to get them, leaving Bella alone with Angela. They looked at each other for a few moments before Angela dropped the bags and walked to Bella to embrace her.

"You are my best friend in the world. I hope you can forgive me for being so insensitive."

"You're already forgiven. I've missed you," Bella said, hugging Angela before letting go and reaching for one of the bags. "Now, let's get ready for this shower. Jessica will be here soon."

Ben returned from the car with his hands full of sacks and dozens of helium balloons. It was comical, watching him try to get through the front door. The two women laughed together as they prepared for the party.

They were still giggling when Jessica and Mike walked into the house.

"Looks like the party is already in full swing," Jessica said, smiling as Bella greeted her with a hug.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The crowded backyard was overwhelming for Bella. It wasn't really the number of ladies, or the fact that they were holding several different conversations in such a small area, or that each one seemed to be about topics that she didn't feel like discussing. Bella knew that it was looking at Jessica - seeing her firm, round belly, and watching Mike as he sat next to her, rubbing her shoulders and gently touching her baby bump - that was causing the melancholy feeling to eat at her.

As happy as she was for Jess, she couldn't stop thinking about how her life could have been, had Edward lived.

Elizabeth stood, signaling to Bella. "Let's get the cake. I think it's time for dessert."

Bella was glad for the distraction, and followed Liz into the house. They made their way into the kitchen, when Liz suddenly stopped. Bella was taken by surprise when Elizabeth turned around. Tears were coursing down her cheeks.

"Liz?" Bella moved closer to her.

"Sorry," Liz said, wiping at her cheeks. "Maybe I shouldn't have come today. I just…can't stop thinking about what it would have been like to be here for you…and for Edward."

Bella embraced her. "I know."

"Is it completely selfish of me to say that I can't imagine being at a shower for you and someone else? Am I a horrible person for dreading the idea of you doing all of this without him?"

"Honestly, I don't think I'll ever want it with anyone else," Bella said.

"You know, when you told me about the letters, I wanted to believe that it was somehow Edward. They seemed so like something he would do, and the things the writer knows…well, I just wanted it so much – for you and for us. I've had dreams about him coming back, especially since I read the letters. And then, at lunch that day, when you wondered out loud if there was a possibility that he was alive and in hiding, I had to reject the idea immediately. I can't let myself hope for that. It will destroy me. I'm so sorry I treated you badly that day."

Bella took Liz's hand. "You have never done anything to offend me, Liz. I just wish you would have told me what you were thinking."

"What – that I was celebrating the fact that Brad lives in Vegas, and that you weren't getting serious with him? It's awful of me to want you for Edward when he's not here."

Reaching for the chain on her neck, Bella pulled it out, showing it to Liz.

"You're wearing the ring on a necklace?"

"I need to feel it close to me. I haven't given up on him, Liz. I don't know if I ever could."

Liz squeezed Bella's hand and her eyes looked fierce. "If you had the chance to go to him, Bella, I would tell you to do it. No matter what."

Bella was about to ask what she meant when Angela walked into the kitchen.

"Can I help you serve the cake?" she asked, looking back and forth between them, and watching as Bella tucked the ring back into her shirt.

"Sure, Angela," Liz said, turning her back to them. She plated a few pieces of the cake – each one with a frosting bootie - and handed them to Bella. "Take these out, and I'll get more ready."

They didn't get another chance to talk alone for the rest of the day.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The house was finally empty, and Bella was glad for the silence.

Walking through the rooms, she turned off lights and checked to make sure that there was no mess left behind from the shower before stopping in her office to check her emails – anything to avoid thinking about her conversation with Liz earlier in the day.

There was a new email from Alice, and she clicked on it. It was a recipe for a protein drink.

_Your hours are slowly killing you. Try this and tell me if it helps you feel better. Don't balk. I know you need it. Call me later._

_A._

Bella laughed. Alice wasn't one to take 'no' for an answer, and she knew that when they spoke, she would have to tell Alice how the drink had worked, so she typed a quick response, promising to try it.

She closed the email and moved on to another one, but her eyes kept going back to the Facebook notice. Brad had requested her as a friend after the Fourth of July, but she hadn't responded.

Facebook had been off-limits since Edward died. Too many people had tried to express their condolences there, and she had finally stopped looking at it, deleting each notice without checking to see what it was.

The guilt that she felt for not responding was getting the best of her. Brad had sent the notice, and asked her a few times if she would add him. Now, he hadn't texted for days, and she had been too busy to answer when he'd called earlier in the week. When she tried to call him back, he didn't answer.

Taking a deep breath, she clicked on the email, opening it before fleeing to the kitchen for a drink. When she finally sat back down, she clicked the link to add Brad, and typed her password into Facebook.

The message that Brad had been added as a friend was on her screen, and she stared at it, ignoring the numbers in red that indicated ignored messages. Finally, she got curious about what Brad would have on his profile, so she clicked on his picture.

She smiled as she looked at the pictures that lined the top of his page – Brad in uniform, Brad on his motorcycle, Brad standing in the same red rock canyon she had visited with Jessica and Angela. But, the fourth picture surprised her. Brad was cheek to cheek with a beautiful blonde girl, both of them smiling.

Further down on the page, she clicked on his info and gasped when she read 'in a relationship'.

What did that mean?

Who was he in a relationship with? He couldn't mean her, could he?

And then she clicked on the photo album that contained the picture of the blonde.

Brad was kissing the girl's cheek in the first photo. She was biting his neck in the second. With each picture it became more evident that they were a couple.

Bella wondered how long he'd been involved with this girl – whose name was apparently Abby - and why he hadn't mentioned her before.

Stopping on a picture of the couple kissing in front of the miniature Statue of Liberty on the Strip, she paced, thinking about how she should approach this. In a way, it was liberating to know he had someone. She didn't have to worry about his feelings any more. But, if he was dating Abby on the Fourth, he was being unfair to her by spending time with Bella in Oregon.

When she couldn't take it anymore, she picked up her phone and dialed Brad's number.

It rang several times before going to voicemail.

"Brad, it's Bella. We really need to talk. I added you on Facebook. Well, just call me."

Thirty minutes later, as Bella was changing into her pajamas, her phone rang. _The Lone Ranger_ theme song ringtone told her immediately that it was Brad.

She took a deep breath to collect herself before she answered.

"Hi, Brad."

"I'm so sorry, Bella," was his greeting. "I tried to call you earlier this week to tell you about Abby, but you didn't answer."

"So this is a new thing?"

"We've been seeing each other for a few weeks, but we made it exclusive on Monday."

Bella felt a sense of relief, mingled with disappointment.

"Which means you weren't cheating on her by spending time with me in Oregon."

"I would never do that to you."

Although he couldn't see it, she nodded. "I didn't think you were that kind of guy, Brad. It's just nice to know I was right to trust you."

Brad told her how he had met Abby in a class, and how their friends had thrown them together several times before he asked her out.

"I didn't think you were interested in a relationship, or I never would have gone out with her. I hope you're okay with all of this."

"I really am. You were right. I wasn't ready for a relationship, I'm too broken. But I'm glad you've found someone who makes you happy." Bella smiled, but she could feel a sadness creeping in.

"We can still talk. I consider you a good friend, Bella."

"Only if Abby doesn't mind."

"You'll find someone. I know it doesn't seem possible right now, but you will."

"Don't worry about me. I'm getting used to my life the way it is. It's taken some time, but I'm adjusting."

Brad tried to console her, and she tried to make him worry less.

They ended the call when a female called for him.

As Bella walked into her bedroom and looked at the empty bed, her body started to shake. She realized that she was near tears. This bed was hers, and hers alone. Her best opportunity to move on and make new memories was over. Now, there wasn't even a possibility that Brad would ever be here with her.

She grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills that she had just refilled, and pulled the cap off. Swallowing a pill, she chased it with water, yearning for the peace that sleep would bring. Tomorrow was Sunday; she could sleep all day if she wanted.

"I can't do nightmares tonight," she said to her silent bedroom.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The work week passed quickly, with late nights and a lot of meetings. Bella hadn't slept more than an hour each night, unable to take sleeping pills when she got home after nine.

Today her team was celebrating. They had finalized the contract and the building plans. The groundbreaking had been organized by the contractor, and Wes announced that he'd tell everyone the details over lunch.

His excitement seemed to fuel the rest of the people who had worked on the project, and the atmosphere in the largest conference room was festive. Even Lauren was being nice - for the moment.

Co-workers filtered in and out of the room, waiting for their lunches to arrive.

Wes finally led the caterer into the room, smiling as he directed them to the tables he'd had put up for the food. Chaos ensued as everyone hurried to dish up their food. Bella waited until the rush had died down, not minding that she would be the last to get her lunch. If she thought about it, she would have to acknowledge the fact that she'd eaten very little since the baby shower.

After all of the team members, and the members of management who were attending the meeting, had finally settled into their chairs around the conference table, Wes stood.

"We did it!"

Everyone cheered, raising their drinks.

"Each of our team members has done an incredible job. This project was the culmination of many hours and a lot of blood, sweat and tears. There were flashes of brilliance -" he tipped his bottled water at Bella" - that saved us from disaster. There were moments when I'm sure we all wanted to tear our hair out. But here we are."

People muttered their agreement, talking quietly to each other for a moment, until Wes caught their attention again.

"And so, it is with a sigh of relief that I announce the date for the groundbreaking. The entire team will be invited to attend the ceremony on September 22."

Wes smiled. Her co-workers cheered and whistled. And Bella's heart stopped beating.

The ceremony was on the anniversary of Edward's death.

In Spokane.

Bella stood, determined to get to the bathroom before the tears hit. There was no way she could go to Spokane on that day.

She felt ill, and the exhaustion from not sleeping was catching up to her all at once.

Hands patted her on the back as she walked to the door of the conference room. Smiling weakly, she accepted the congratulations that were offered, all the while feeling as if the room had started to spin.

Just as she stepped through the door, and prepared to bolt to the restroom, a firm hand landed on her shoulder. She spun around and came face to face with Wes.

"Are you okay, Bella? You don't look like you feel well."

All she could manage was a nod before taking a step away. Her knees buckled, and she started to fall. Wes reached for her, catching her and gently lowering her to the floor.

"Bella?"

After a moment, her head stopped spinning, and she looked up at him.

"I'll be fine. Really. I just didn't sleep well last night, and I haven't eaten today."

He looked her over, pausing as he noticed the dark circles.

"You remember how I told you to take a couple of days for your birthday?" he asked.

Bella nodded.

"Well, your time off starts now. I'm going to get Jenny. She can drive you home and I'll follow in your car."

"But –"

Wes stopped her. "No buts, Miss Swan. You have been working too much, and you need a break. Nobody will care. The project is at a good place. Come back on Thursday. We can talk about the groundbreaking then."

"I –"

He stood, ignoring her, and walked into the conference room, returning with his assistant.

A short stop at her desk was all that he allowed, so that she could gather her purse and briefcase. Jenny chatted with her as they walked through the office, glancing at her every now and then with worry on her face.

Wes directed her to the company car that he normally drove, and Bella didn't hesitate to get in. She laid her head back on the headrest and closed her eyes.

Before she knew it, Jenny was shaking her arm.

"We're here, Bella."

Groggy from her nap, she stumbled as she got out of the car. Wes had already pulled her vehicle into the garage and offered her a hand. She took it.

They both offered to stay and help her, but Bella shook her head at the idea.

"No thank you. I'll be okay now. I'm going to get some sleep, and I'll be good as new by Monday."

"I was serious," Wes growled. "I don't want to see you at the office until Thursday."

"Okay." She nodded weakly and closed the door as they left.

Wandering through her house, she felt weak and listless, but she was still fighting sleep. The nightmares were too much. She pulled her laptop out of her bag and opened the search she had been focused on the night before – when she hadn't been sleeping.

Volturi, Inc.

In all of her restless hours, she had finally come upon the name of the 'shady' company that Leitner was affiliated with.

She sat back on the couch, scrolling down the list of infractions they had been accused of, but which had never been proven.

"Is this the reason you're gone, Edward? What is it about this company?"

There was something off with them, she knew. In all of her searches, she had never been able to find one picture of the company's founder, Aro Volturi. Nor could she find any of the board members. The only photograph she had found was one of the receptionist.

With her eyes growing heavier, she closed the laptop and started to think about the things that had happened in the last few weeks.

The baby shower - and the hollow ache she felt that day.

Liz's words to her. "No matter what."

The end of her potential relationship with Brad.

The note on the fridge, and the small things that were out of place each day.

Her surreal dreams.

It felt like she was on the brink of understanding some puzzle, but her tired mind couldn't grasp it, and it slipped away.

She dragged herself off of the couch, stripping as she walked to her room, and collapsed on the bed. It was only five, but there was no reason to stay up. Nobody would care if she stayed in bed for the next six days.

The last thing she did was turn off her cell phone, dropping it onto the nightstand. Silence would be golden.

As she curled up on bed, she wondered again if there was a way that Edward could be the one leaving her the notes.

"Please let it be true," she whispered. "Let him be alive. Let him still want me."

Her fingers closed around the ring she kept with her.

"I'd do whatever it took, no matter what, to be with him again."

She sunk back into the pillow and shut her eyes.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Broken movements and voices haunted her dreams. Flickers of recognition raced through her mind, but she couldn't place the voice that conversed with Edward. A woman.

There were whispers in the dark of her room.

"What will happen if I leave the note?"

The woman saying, "She will decide to be with you."

"Are you sure?"

Her voice, whispered, "You've seen it, too."

"Is it selfish?"

"Yes. But she won't care. She'll choose to be selfish with you."

"I wish I could know for sure that it's what she wants."

"It is."

And then silence again.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The sun was shining brightly when Bella opened her eyes. A glance at the nightstand told her that it was seven in the morning. Her body ached from being in one position for such a long time, but she felt more rested than she had all week.

She vaguely remembered her odd dream from the night before – of a conversation taking place in her room - but she shook it off as she headed to the kitchen to make breakfast. Before she left the bedroom, she turned her cell phone back on, and wasn't surprised to see that she had a few messages.

The phone rang as she was walking into the kitchen.

Charlie.

"Good morning, Dad," she answered.

"Bella, I've been trying to reach you since last night. Are you okay?" He sounded harried.

"I'm fine now. I wasn't feeling well yesterday, and I slept for fourteen hours. Guess I needed it."

Bella heard the sigh on the other end. "I told you that you were working too hard."

"Don't worry. I'm taking some time off." As she uttered the words, her eyes caught a paper on the table, and she froze.

Charlie started to talk about how much he worried, and how Sue kept telling him to back off. Bella 'uh huh'd' a few times.

When curiosity got the best of her, she stepped forward and picked up the paper.

"Hold on for just a minute, Dad," she said, placing the phone on the table so that she could read the note.

_**My Bella,**_

_**It's nearly time to choose. Forever comes at a cost, but it is still possible. Are you ready to sacrifice for it? **_

_**Or, you can choose to continue down your own path, if you'd like. But that choice comes with the loss of this connection. I can't stay.**_

_**Do you really want forever? No matter what? **_

_**I do.**_

_**Can we celebrate your birthday together? I'll be in touch.**_

_**Never forget that I love you.**_

_**E.**_

She stood, her hand over her mouth to contain the scream, and stared at the signature. It was his flourish. His distinctive E.

Would someone be so cruel as to tease her with this?

Her eyes darted around the house, looking for clues to tell her who had left this note.

Distracted by the letter, she forgot about her father for a moment, until she heard him yelling into the phone.

"Bella!"

With shaking hands, she picked up the phone.

"Sorry, I had to do something."

"Did you hear me ask if you wanted to celebrate with us on your birthday?"

Bella looked at the note again. A promise of celebrating with Edward.

"Can we do it the night before? I think I'd like to spend my birthday here. I'm not sure I want to go out that day," she lied.

"No problem. I'll have Dave cover for me on Monday. Sue will call Ed and Liz, and Jess and Angela, if you don't mind."

"I don't mind," she whispered.

Charlie ended the conversation quickly. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, kiddo."

She stood, holding the note, wondering if it were possible that she could be celebrating her birthday with Edward this year.

Her phone pinged with a new message.

**You'll need a birthday outfit. I know you'll be celebrating. Go shopping.**

Alice's sense of timing was uncanny.

**A/N**

**As always, I'm very lucky to have wonderful ladies helping me. GinnyW, Shug and Giselle-lx are the best. Any mistakes you find won't be their fault, but mine. **

**Thank you for all of your reviews on the last chapter. I love reading your thoughts. I really can't wait to hear what you're thinking after **_**this**_** chapter.**

**You all make this such a fun ride. 3**


	17. Chapter 17 Cliff Diving

Chapter 17 – Cliff Diving

Sunday dragged on.

Bella cleaned the entire house - dusting furniture and shampooing carpets when she ran out of laundry and vacuuming to do. The windows were spotless and the oven was sparkling. Even the fridge had been cleaned.

When she finally sat on the couch, with a glass of wine in her hand and an open photo album on her lap, she was physically and emotionally spent.

The words from the letter that she had carried in her pocket all day haunted her.

_**Forever comes at a cost, but it is still possible. Are you ready to sacrifice for it? **_

What was the sacrifice?

She had told herself that if she could; she would be with Edward no matter what it took. But what kind of sacrifice would be expected?

If he were in some kind of Witness Protection, she might have to give up talking to her family and his, at least for a while. Could she do that?

Turning the pages of the album and taking in the smile on Edward's face in each picture, she knew. She would sacrifice everything, walk away from everything and everyone, to be with him again.

But as she glanced at the urn on the table, she wavered for a moment, wondering if the urn was a lie, or if she was losing it. Edward's remains couldn't be there if she was meeting him on Tuesday, and if that was the case, it was time to let go of the idea of his death.

Tomorrow night, at her birthday dinner, she would talk to Ed and Elizabeth about making the arrangements that she had avoided for nearly a year.

"I really hope I'm not losing it, Edward," she said as she moved the urn to a shelf.

Her phone rang, and she looked at the caller ID. Alice.

As soon as she answered, she heard Alice's chipper voice.

"So, did you go shopping yet? I know you must have plans for your birthday."

"I haven't shopped. I cleaned my house." Bella laughed.

"You prepared for your birthday by cleaning? Oh, Bella, I have so much to teach you. Now, tell me all about your plans."

What should she tell Alice?

"Um, I'm going to dinner with my family and friends tomorrow night."

"Perfect," Alice gushed. "Then the package you get in the morning will be put to good use."

"Package?"

"It's a new outfit. Exactly what you'll need for a nice dinner. I hope I got the size right."

Bella's head was spinning.

"Why did you get me clothes?"

Laughing, Alice said, "Because I didn't think you'd go shopping for yourself. In fact, you haven't tried the protein shake either, have you?"

How did she know?

"It was a busy week," Bella said.

"Tell me what's up. How's your friend in Vegas? How did the baby shower go?"

Bella sighed. She wasn't sure she wanted to talk to anyone about the Brad mess.

"I'm waiting," Alice taunted.

"Fine. Brad has a new girlfriend. And the baby shower was okay, but hard. But I'm off of work until Thursday, so I guess that's a good thing."

"Do I need to come to Seattle to cheer you up?"

"Not necessary. I'll be fine. Just really missing Edward today."

Alice was silent for a while, and Bella waited.

"Bella, your birthday is going to be wonderful. You're going to get everything you want."

A few minutes later Bella hung up her phone, tired but antsy. She locked her doors and turned off the lights in her house, then wandered slowly to the bedroom.

Her nerves were frayed. It would be difficult to sleep tonight, if she could at all. She contemplated taking a sleeping pill, but decided against it. There were things she wanted to do in the morning, and she wanted to have a clear head. Besides, the wine from before wouldn't go well with sleeping pills.

Crawling under the covers, she tried to relax and drift off. Her stomach rumbled lightly, and she realized that she had once again skipped dinner.

But food was the last thing she wanted.

Her head was spun from the effects of the wine, and she hoped it would help her sleep. Eating could wait until morning.

Plopping her iPod into the dock next to the bed, she selected the most relaxing playlist she could find and closed her eyes, willing the muscles through her body to let go of the tension she'd felt all day. It didn't take long for her to drift off into a restless sleep.

It could have been minutes or hours later when she dreamed of whispering voices again.

"_You're sure she'll come?"_

It was Edward, she knew it.

"_She will."_

"_And what will happen?"_

"_You've seen what I've seen. There are too many choices, too many possible outcomes. I can't tell you for sure what she'll decide. There's a chance she'll choose to be with you, but there's also a chance she'll walk away without looking back."_

A pained cry was followed by soft caresses on her cheek and words whispered on a breath into her ear.

"_Please choose to be with me. I miss you. I thought I could watch you move on, but I need you too much."_

Bella's fingers reached for her face, searching for the hand that touched her, but came up empty. She could feel tears rolling toward her ear.

She whispered into the darkness, "I need you, too."

~X~X~X~X~X~

The phone calls started early the next morning.

Angela and Jessica called together, to see if she wanted to go shopping for something to wear to dinner that night. She was saved from their outing when the doorbell rang and the package containing the outfit from Alice was delivered.

"I already have something," she said to them. "I don't need you to drag me shopping today, but thanks for the offer."

Angela laughed. "Fine. You've outsmarted us by getting a dress already, but we'll go shopping another day. We still have bridesmaid dress fittings coming up."

Jessica sounded relieved. "My feet are swollen, and I waddle like a duck. I'll admit that I'm not really in the mood to shop today. You have no idea what torture you've saved me from, Bella."

They talked for a few more minutes before Bella made an excuse to end the call.

"I need to take care of a few things. I'll see you tonight," she said.

The truth was that there was another outfit she wanted to shop for. But if she told them where she intended to wear it, they'd be on the phone with Charlie in a heartbeat, trying to arrange for a psychiatrist – or the asylum. She really didn't want to tell her friends what she was planning.

She wasn't sure what Edward – if it really was him – was planning for her birthday, so it was going to be hard to choose an outfit, but she felt like she needed to select something special.

Grabbing her car keys and her cell phone, she headed out to the store.

Her dad called as she got into the car.

"Hey, Bells. You ready for tonight?"

"I am, Dad. Are you?"

Charlie laughed.

"You know I am. Sue is looking forward to seeing you again."

"And I'm looking forward to seeing both of you."

"We'll be there at five to pick you up."

Smiling, she responded, "I'll be ready."

Hanging up, Bella's chest constricted as she thought again of the letter. _Sacrifices._ Could she really give up seeing her father?

She shook off the melancholy that was building and headed to the mall, still unsure of what kind of clothing she should get for her birthday celebration with Edward.

Six stores and two sore feet later, she carried a blue sundress in a garment bag back to her car. New shoes and accessories were in the second bag she had.

If Edward wanted to take her somewhere for her birthday, she was ready.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The afternoon went by quickly. Bella ate a small salad for lunch, hoping that she would be hungry at dinner. Even it was too much, and she ended up throwing half of it out, because her stomach was roiling with anxiety.

'One more day,' she thought. 'I'll know if I'm losing my mind in another day.'

She glanced at the clock and realized that she had just over an hour until Charlie would be there to collect her for her birthday dinner. Her trip to the mall had been a good way to distract herself from the passage of time.

If she had any idea of when she would be celebrating with Edward, she would be counting down the minutes. But he hadn't given her any indication of when they would meet – or where.

Once again, she felt a little crazy.

"Please be real," she said. "Please don't let me be imagining this."

Docking her iPod, she turned on one of Edward's favorite classical playlists and started to prepare for her night out.

The music carried her through the time it took her to get ready, lulling her into a peaceful mood. She hummed along with Debussy and Bach, remembering all of the nights when she would hear this playlist floating from Edward's office as he worked. He always said that classical music helped him concentrate on the cases he researched.

God, she missed having him in the house with her, the noises he made, the smell of his cologne, even tripping over his large shoes when he left them in the oddest places.

If tomorrow turned out to be a false alarm, she didn't know what she would do. There was no way she could return to the hopelessness she'd felt before – and survive.

A quick rap on the front door snapped her out of her daydream. It had to be Charlie, but it wasn't quite five.

Opening the door, she was surprised to find a bouquet of flowers filling the entrance. A voice spoke through the blooms.

"Bella Swan?"

"Yes," she answered.

"I have a delivery for you."

She reached for the flowers and signed the manifest, wondering who would have sent her flowers.

The card surprised her.

**Happy birthday, Bella. We both hope that you get everything you wish for this year. We're thinking of you.**

**Brad and Abby**

She placed the flowers on the table, and started at them for a while. What exactly were they supposed to mean?

If they were only from Brad, it would probably be uncomfortable for Abby. Including her had been his way of stating that they were a couple, and that he really did want to retain a platonic friendship with Bella. It was a good thing they were from both of them, she decided, and returned to the bathroom to finish getting ready.

At five minutes to five, she stood in front of her living room window, waiting for her father to arrive. As the headlights turned into her driveway, she stroked the urn that had been her companion for nearly a year.

"I hope I'm doing the right thing," she said softly before she grabbed her purse and jacket and headed out the door.

~X~X~X~X~X~

When Charlie turned into the Metropolitan Grill, Bella protested.

"Dad, you didn't have to do anything this fancy."

Sue laughed and turned to talk to Bella.

"You don't think we'd let him get away with anything less, do you?"

Bella wasn't sure she wanted something like this but felt that any further negativity would ruin the mood.

"Um…thanks. I'm sure it'll be lovely."

They were directed to the Vintage Room when they entered the restaurant.

The rich, dark paneling and antique furniture were comforting, but the thing that Bella loved most was that their group was completely isolated from the rest of the diners. They would be able to celebrate in relative quiet.

As frayed as Bella felt, it was a relief to know that she wouldn't have to deal with a crowd tonight.

Her friends surrounded her. Jessica sat to visit, rubbing her belly and putting her feet up on another chair, while Mike laughed and joked with everyone around him. Angela was showing her engagement ring to anyone who hadn't already seen it – and probably quite a few who had – while Ben stood behind her, watching in awe.

Bella was surprised to see Wes and his wife Mindy making their way across the room.

"I hope you don't mind that we came. Jessica called and invited us."

"Of course I don't mind. It's good to see you. I almost didn't know what to do with myself today. I'll be happy to come back on Wednesday."

Wes shook his head. "Thursday, Bella. I thought you understood that. Besides, you still have dark circles under your eyes. I think a little more rest will do you good."

Mindy laughed and nudged him. "Way to flatter the birthday girl, Wes."

"Sorry." He hung his head after winking at Bella. She laughed.

The evening went on with friends visiting all around Bella, occasionally trying to pull her into their conversations, but she was content to sit back and watch the people around her.

She was wishing she could disappear for a while when Liz whispered to her, "Are you okay?"

Bella turned and smiled. "I'm fine. Just taking in all of the conversations around me."

"But you'd rather be at home, wouldn't you?"

"You know me well," Bella said with a wink.

Liz took her hand. "Bella, you really should enjoy being with other people, honey. I know it's tempting to spend all of your time at home with Edward's urn, but you've got to live."

This was the opportunity she had been looking for, but the thought of what she was about to do made her stomach hurt a little more.

"I'm ready to let the urn go, Liz."

Edward's mother looked shocked. Her lower lip quivered a little as she asked her next question.

"You are?"

Bella nodded. "It's time. I'd really appreciate it if you and Ed could contact the cemetery and have them prepare the plot. I know we haven't talked about a marker, but I think you should decide what it says."

Liz's eyebrows knitted together, her face in a scowl.

"Why are you letting go now? And why would you ask us to decide on the marker? What's going on, Bella?"

She shrugged and was saved from answering by Mike.

"Bells, I think we're going to have to go home now. Jess is feeling pretty tired, and her feet are swollen."

Bella stood, excusing herself, and went to say goodbye to her friend. She embraced Jessica.

"I hope you feel all right. I really am happy that you are having a baby, Jess. You and Mike will be fantastic parents. I wish I could have been more supportive, and that I could have enjoyed your pregnancy with you."

Jessica's eyes filled with tears. "I'm so glad that my baby will have you in her life. I love you." She wrapped her arms around Bella and squeezed. "Everything will work out for you. I know it will."

After a minute, Mike took her hand and they prepared to leave. Bella stopped him.

"You take good care of her, you hear?"

He laughed and kissed the top of Bella's head. "Of course I will."

She watched them leave and felt the sense of finality to their goodbye.

Her other friends followed them, each stopping to embrace Bella and wish her a happy birthday. Each goodbye felt the same. Final.

When Ed and Elizabeth approached her, she stiffened.

"Will you tell me what's going on?" Liz whispered as they hugged.

Bella pulled back and looked at her almost mother-in-law. "I will take the chance if I get it, no matter what," she whispered.

Liz seemed to understand, her eyes filling with tears.

"Just remember that we will always love you, no matter where you are or what you do."

Bella nodded as Ed finished saying goodbye to her father and came to wrap his arms around her.

"Happy birthday, Bella. I know it wasn't the way you wanted it to be this year, but I hope it was still a good celebration."

"It was wonderful, Ed. Thank you." She kissed his cheek.

When they had finished their goodbyes, she turned to Angela, who was helping to clean up the balloons.

Angela took her hand. "Something seems different tonight, Bella. What's up?"

Bella just smiled. "Just enjoying my birthday with so many people I love."

"That's not what I mean. There's something…hmmm…hopeful, I think, about the way you look."

Leaning forward to kiss her cheek, Bella whispered, "I do feel hopeful for the future."

She stood and reached for Ben. "Thank you both for doing this for me tonight."

Ben blushed and Angela put her arm around his waist, moving closer to him.

"You're welcome."

"Such an amazing couple. I'm so happy you're getting married," Bella said.

They chatted for another minute, until Charlie came over, Bella's sweater in his hand.

"I think it's time for us to head home, kiddo. I have to work tomorrow, and Sue is going to help Leah with a few things. Sorry to break up the party," he said.

Bella leaned into him. "Don't worry about it, Dad. Thank you."

He helped her with her sweater, and they headed to the car.

Charlie surprised her with his question.

"Did you even eat?" He tipped the box of food in her direction.

"A little," Bella said, and it was true. She had taken a few bites, but her stomach was still nervous with the anticipation of tomorrow, so she had moved her food around on her plate, taking most of it home. "I'll eat that for lunch tomorrow."

"Are you sure you don't want to come home with me and celebrate tomorrow?" Charlie asked. "I can cut my work day short."

"No thanks. I have a lot of things I want to do."

They pulled into her driveway, and Charlie offered to walk her inside.

"I'll be fine, Dad. You need to get headed home. Thank you both for tonight."

Charlie stepped out of the car and hugged her.

"Happy birthday, Bells. I hope you know that I love you."

An empty feeling overcame her, and she could feel the sobs welling up in her. "I love you, too." She hugged him to her, taking in the comfort of his embrace.

"Goodbye," Bella whispered as he climbed back into the car and watched her go inside. Tears burned her cheeks.

Bella walked into her house alone, wishing it could be otherwise, but hopeful that by tomorrow she would see Edward.

She contemplated all of the things that could happen, the sacrifices she could be asked to make, and felt weary as she thought of her goodbyes at the restaurant. Deep down, she had known that they were real farewells.

Her body was exhausted from the sleepless nights she'd had, and once again she considered taking a sleeping pill as she slipped her heels off and picked them up. It wasn't something she really wanted to do, in case Edward tried to reach her in the early hours of morning.

But all of those thoughts disappeared when she walked into her bedroom and saw the note on her pillow.

Her shoes fell out of her hands, and she ran to the bed and picked up the folded paper. A picture fell out of it, but she was caught up in the words on the note.

_** My Bella,**_

_** It's time. Do you remember this place? The feeling of endless possibilities. **_

_**I'll be there in the morning.**_

_**Do you trust me? Will you come? Will you take a leap of faith with me?**_

_**I'm yours, always.**_

_**Edward**_

Barely able to breathe, she picked up the picture. She and Edward were smiling brightly, standing on the edge of a cliff.

The memories came flooding back.

Edward had been excited to take her jumping, even though she swore she was afraid of heights. He promised her that she would love it, and that they would start with the lower cliffs. Still, twenty-five feet seemed so high when she was standing at the top, looking down into the water.

She had watched, trying to work up the courage, as Edward and his friends jumped a few times. Finally, after his fourth leap, Edward pulled her to the edge with him, holding her hand and promising that he wouldn't let anything happen to her.

"Do you trust me?" he'd asked as they stood, looking into the water.

Bella had barely nodded when he squeezed her fingers and said, "Now."

The feeling of stepping off of solid ground and into the air was thrilling and terrifying at the same time. Her hair whipped around her face, and she closed her eyes against the wind. The air pushing into her lungs forced a scream out of her throat. For a moment, she felt weightless as she fell down and down. As her feet hit the cold water, she noted that Edward's fingers were still wrapped around hers. He was there, as promised, to make sure she was safe.

When she surfaced, he was with her, his face near hers, smiling. Her breath was taken away by his kiss.

"I told you that you'd love it."

She had followed him to the shore and dragged him to the top of the hill, ready to do it again.

"That was incredible," she had exulted as she walked.

Edward had stopped her by pulling on her hand. "I'm so glad you had enough faith in me to try it, Bella. I would never do anything that would hurt you."

Wrapping her arms around him, she had responded, "I know."

And she had known, she thought. For probably the first time in her life, she had trusted someone fully.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Bella looked at the letter again. Tomorrow morning. She trusted that she would see Edward in the morning.

The picture stayed in her hand. It was the picture he had carried in his wallet, and it seemed to be tangible proof that this was really him.

She decided to try to sleep so that she would be rested for their reunion and changed into his shirt that she slept in. Sliding under the covers, she wondered if he would look different after a year, if he would be different after being away from her for that length of time.

Her heart pounded with excitement as she thought of feeling his arms pulling her into his body.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The picture in her hand taunted her all night. As much as she wanted to sleep, she couldn't. Each time she would drift off, the paper would slip from her fingers and she would jerk awake.

She looked over and over again at the single word written on the back.

_**Forever.**_

When the sun finally rose, Bella grabbed a backpack from her closet and stuffed a few items into it. The letters went in, most of them inside of the plastic bag that she kept in the kitchen drawer, but the last two were loose. All of the small notes that had been left were in the pack.

Stuffing a few bottles of waters into the outside pocket, she tried to prepare for the hike, dressing in jeans and a flannel shirt and lacing her running shoes. She wasn't sure why, but she grabbed the garment bag that contained the new dress and accessories she had bought for tonight.

With an odd feeling in her chest, she took a long look around the house before she walked out of the door.

This was it.

If this was real, Edward would be there, somewhere along the trail to the cliff or at the cliff itself. He'd be waiting for her.

As she walked into the garage, Bella did something she hadn't allowed herself to do in almost a year, she clicked the button on the fob in her hands and unlocked Edward's car.

It seemed only fitting that she take this journey in his vehicle, instead of her own.

Before she started the engine, she took a deep breath, willing herself to be calm. Then she began her journey north of Seattle. She would be in Anacortes in an hour and a half. It was still too early for many cars to be on the road headed out of Seattle.

Fighting sleepiness, she plugged in her iPod and turned it up, rolling the car windows down and trying to concentrate on the mile markers and signs that counted down to her destination.

It wasn't until Bella was on Whistle Lake Road, preparing to turn onto Whistle Lake Terrace, that she allowed herself to think of Edward again. Last summer, when they had been here, the crowds had been so large that they had ended up parked on Whistle Lake Terrace, far from the parking lot.

Today, hers was the only car in the lot, which was a little disconcerting. She had almost expected Edward to be waiting here, and the absence of a vehicle made her wonder if there was really a possibility that she would end up alone on the cliffs.

Shaking off her negative thoughts, she pulled the backpack out of the car and pocketed her cell phone as she turned to face the trailhead.

Her mind drifted back to the last time she had been here as she started her hike.

College students had been the main visitors that day, and the cliffs that were just a mile in were filled with them.

Edward had decided that day to make the longer trek around the lake. To the higher cliffs.

They had always jumped from the lower cliffs that were nearer to the parking lot, and Bella had gained enough confidence that she would jump –there was no diving here – several times when they were there. Twenty-five feet seemed high to her, but the other cliffs were sixty. Her body had been shaking as they approached them, and in the end, she hadn't jumped, but had watched as Edward and one of his old roommates defied death a few times.

The picture she held firmly in her hand had been snapped after he had come back from his first leap. His cheeks were flushed from the rush of adrenaline, and his eyes were sparkling with excitement from the rush. He had grabbed her and kissed her, soaking her clothes and making her laugh.

And that was when his friend had snapped the picture, in that moment of laughter and carefree fun.

The sun was behind them, lighting the drops of water in his hair and bringing out the reddish highlights in hers. It outlined them, giving them a surreal glow, which was why Edward had carried the picture.

"Love makes us glow," he'd said when he looked at it.

As she walked, she looked at the picture, aching for that feeling again.

Would he really be there, on the edge of the cliff, waiting? She walked faster, tripping occasionally on rocks and roots.

Within twenty minutes, she was standing on the edge of the first, lower cliffs.

There was nobody else there. It was silent, other than the sound of the water slapping against the rocks, and the wind rustling leaves behind her. The sky was cloudy, and a storm seemed to be coming.

A small sob escaped her throat.

No Edward – and moving on to the higher cliffs was a frightening prospect if the weather was going to change.

Bella took a deep breath and looked at the picture again. It had been taken on the other cliff. Edward must have meant to meet him there, so although the sky was getting steadily darker and the wind was picking up, she started to hike again, drinking deeply from her water bottle as she moved.

She was lost in her thoughts as she hiked, their entire relationship replaying in her mind. The burning looks he gave her. The way he took care of her when she was sick. The way he teased and tickled her when they were watching a movie together. Even the way she watched him while he slept, smiling at his innocent, boyish face.

Her cell phone beeped, indicating a text. She stopped on the trail to read it.

**Happy birthday. Hope you slept in. Call if you'd like company tonight. Did your mom call?**

Charlie.

Renee hadn't called that Bella knew of, but that wasn't a surprise. Bella really couldn't remember the last conversation she'd had with her mother. It had been months since they had talked, and she realized that her mother was the one person who wouldn't get a goodbye from her if she went into hiding with Edward.

She sat on the edge of the trail long enough to text back, catching her breath in the process.

**Thanks. Not at home, decided to enjoy nature today. She hasn't called yet.**

As an afterthought, she sent another text to him.

** I love you, Dad.**

Standing, she moved forward again, a dull ache developing in her muscles as she walked. Within a minute, she stopped again to look at her phone as it pinged.

**I love you, too. **

The weight of what she might be doing crashed down on her, and tears filled her eyes, making it hard to breathe and to hike.

She wanted – needed – to be with Edward, but the cost would be high.

The last part of the trail took a while. She was tired from sleepless nights, and her body was suffering the effects of her inability to eat much over the last few weeks. Cramps attacked her calves as she hiked, and she stopped to rub them. Each step was more difficult that the last.

Exhausted, she stepped into the clearing on the edge of the larger cliffs. Her disappointment was nearly crippling when she realized she was alone.

Her eyes scanned the area, looking into the trees behind her and out onto the water.

Nothing. Not a single movement.

Dejected, she dropped her backpack, leaning over it to pull out the letter from the night before to reread the word. She stepped to the edge of the cliff. Her body was shaking, and she was finding it difficult to stay on her feet as she scanned the water below.

Would Edward come? Maybe he meant later in the morning, the letter hadn't been completely clear. What if he meant to meet him in the water – to take a leap of faith?

She looked down, feeling dizzy as she considered jumping, and knew it wasn't something she should do alone, especially with the storm closing in. A step back helped her shake the fear she felt when she looked down from that height.

Minutes passed as she waited for Edward to appear. Her phone buzzed in her pocket several times, but she ignored it. Tears washed over her cheeks, and she made no move to stop them. Her chest shook with the sobs that escaped from time to time.

He wasn't here.

Desperate, she raised her hands to her face and cupped them around her mouth. She shouted.

"Edward! I'm here. I came for you."

A raindrop hit her forehead, followed by another on her arm. She was too weak to hurry back to her car for shelter.

"Please," she whispered, and her words were carried by the wind. "I came. I trusted you. And you aren't here. Why?"

Feeling completely lost, she turned to leave but noticed a slight movement in the edge of the trees.

"Bella."

She froze, her back to the cliff and the water below.

It was Edward's voice.

A figure moved in the trees, and she held her breath.

"I'm here," he said.

Someone stepped out of the trees. The tall body and wild hair was unmistakable.

Stepping forward slightly, she reached out with one hand.

"Edward," she said.

He stopped moving forward as a hand touched his arm. She noticed then that there were two men walking out of the trees a few steps behind him, one of them appeared to be holding him back.

Glancing briefly at each of them, she decided they were there to protect Edward, and her focus returned to him.

Edward was there. He had come for her.

She took in his appearance, gasping as she realized he _had_ changed. His arms seemed stronger, the muscles more defined. His waist was thinner than she remembered. Her eyes moved up, finally taking in his face, and her foot settled back as she took in the differences there.

His jaw was sharper, his hair had more golden highlights, his nose was straighter, but it was his eyes that made her retreat slightly.

They weren't green.

"What happened?" she barely managed.

He raised his hands while taking a slow step forward, as if to show her that she was safe, that his approach was not dangerous, and she shook her head slightly.

He stopped, but the two figures surrounding him stepped forward until they were next to him.

"Let me explain," Edward said, his voice cautious.

The very large man with curly dark hair on his right smiled at her, his dimples impossibly deep. He was intimidating, looking as though he'd just stepped off of a football field, but the smile warmed his demeanor.

The man on his left was tall and lean, blond hair flowing to his shoulders. He looked at her with concern.

"It's okay. We won't hurt you," Edward said, taking another step forward, as did his companions.

She stayed in her place, still taking in the small differences she saw in Edward, as they took another step forward, and another.

Movement out of the corner of her eye caught her attention.

There were other people walking out of the tree line.

With a rustling noise, the trees to Edward's right moved, and she watched as two more figured emerged.

Her mouth dropped open in shock as she looked at the couple that entered the clearing.

Emse and Carlisle Cullen stepped forward, stopping just behind where the tall blond man stood.

"Bella," Dr. Cullen said, nodding his head in her direction.

"Dr. Cullen?" she whispered, thinking back to her visit to the Emergency Room in Forks. "Esme?"

Esme smiled shyly at her.

"You know Edward?" Bella asked, trying to figure out the connection.

"Carlisle saved me," Edward said.

"We'd like you to meet our family," Esme said in a quiet voice.

Without thinking, Bella whispered, "Family? I thought you couldn't have children."

Esme cringed, but her husband touched her arm lovingly and answered.

"These are our adopted children, Bella."

He waved his hand toward the trees, signaling to someone she couldn't see.

Then, to the left of Edward, a beautiful blonde woman emerged. Tall and regal, she seemed like she was furious. Her scowl was frightening, and it caused Bella to slip a little farther back.

When another figure stepped forward, Bella tore her eyes away from the angry beauty and cried out in shock.

"Alice?" Bella asked, shaking as she saw her new friend's slight smile and wave.

Her foot moved back again.

"How?" she asked, looking into Alice's eyes and realizing that they were the same color as Edward's.

"Don't worry, there's a reason," Alice said, grinning.

"'It was you, wasn't it? You've been at my house?" Bella whispered, taking in the eyes of the entire group now. They were all the same golden hue.

Alice nodded, and then her voice changed, her smile faltering. "Bella, please, be careful."

Suddenly the effects of all of the worry and exhaustion hit. A wave of dizzyness made her head swim for a moment, and she stepped back to catch her balance, her hand instinctively opened, and the picture she had been carrying all day slipped out of her fingers and floated toward the edge of the cliff.

Bella twisted to grab it.

A rock under her foot slid, and suddenly the solid ground was no longer solid. She could feel her foot sliding over the edge of the cliff as she took in the horrified looks on the faces in front of her.

She tumbled over the edge with a scream.

Dozens of feet below, the water below was whipped to whitecaps by the wind. The water rushed toward her – but how was it that she was falling headfirst?

After everything they had been through to get to this moment, and Edward would end up losing her instead of the other way around. She closed her eyes tightly, and prepared for the end.

That was, until something grabbed her arm, righting her in the air, allowing her feet to lead her to the water.

And then, there was a cold hand in hers.

Her eyes opened in surprise.

Edward smiled at her just before her feet hit the water. Stinging drops of water hit her as she entered the bitter cold, and instinctively, she curled in on herself.

But, like before, there was a hand in hers, pulling her to the surface.

She wasn't alone.

**A/N**

**I apologize that it took me so long to get this chapter posted. There was a sticking point when I sent it to my betas, and I wanted to make sure that you ended up with the best possible chapter. Then, life happened.**

**Between the start of the school year and fall baseball (toss in a drill team performance, fund raiser and driving with a teen who just got a learner's permit), I have had no energy to get things moving. I am sorry for that.**

**On the bright side, Chapter 18 is nearly finished and will go to my betas this weekend – if all goes as planned. You won't have to wait long. And oddly enough, this chapter will be posted just in time for Bella's birthday (which wasn't on purpose, but I'll take it).**

**Thank you for sticking it out with me (your reviews, tweets, etc. keep me going). I hope this chapter has been worth it. One more, with tons of answers. And the epilogue.**

**Huge thanks to GinnyW, Giselle-lx, and Shug. They talk me down when I'm freaking out, and help me to polish and make things smooth. I 3 them all! (Any mistakes you find are mine.)**

**And a huge thanks to whoever nominated Letters from Heaven for a Tomato Soup Award. It's up for the Sliced Tomato Award for best angst. *mwah***

**I'm anxious to hear your thoughts on this chapter. (Currently biting my nails. Lol)**


	18. Chapter 18 Informed Decisions

Chapter 18 – Informed Decisions

Water. Cold water. Everywhere.

Bella sputtered as she surfaced, spitting to clear her mouth, her vision blurred by the droplets falling from her bangs. She couldn't see. There was water, and cold, and-a hand. A cold hand. Still in hers.

Struggling to scissor-kicking, she turned. Edward's face was close. But panicked. The weird, new, yellow eyes were full of fear.

He spoke first. "You're okay."

"You came after me."

He nodded. "I'd follow you anywhere."

With a strangled sob, Bella wrenched her hand out of his and threw both arms around his neck, pulling herself closer to him. But when she raised her head to kiss him, she faltered.

His was grimacing. He pushed her back, taking her wrists in his fingers to pull them away from his neck, and looking anxiously over her shoulder as two loud splashes sounded behind her.

"You don't want me anymore?"

He shook his head, sending droplets of water flying around him. "I want you too much," he said. "They're here to help me so that I don't hurt you." Edward's brow furrowed, and he nodded as he looked toward the massive man swimming to them. His fingers loosened from her arms, and she felt another strong set of arms pulling her toward the shore.

Bella fought against the man who was moving her farther from Edward.

"I want to stay with him," she yelled, thrashing and kicking her feet, trying to connect with the man's shin. "Let me go."

"Relax, Bella," a soft voice behind her said. "We're just making sure you get to shore safely. Edward will be there in a minute, when we know it's safe."

"Safe?"

She looked over her shoulder, and the large man smiled at her. "Yes. Safe." He continued to move her toward the shore.

"From Edward?"

He nodded.

"But…why?"

"We just need to make sure he's got things under control."

With every stroke he took, she felt the distance pulling at her, twisting her heart more.

The dark haired man stood in the water and pulled her body closer, lifting her and walking onto the shore with her in his arms.

As he placed Bella on her feet, she thought she heard Alice's voice near her. But that couldn't be possible. Alice had been standing at the top of the cliff when she looked up from the water only a minute ago.

Only now she wasn't. Bella felt Alice's cold hand on her arm, and she shivered, goosebumps rising on her skin.

"She's cold, Carlisle. Hurry with those blankets," Alice barked into a cell phone. She turned to the tall blond man, who had just stepped out of the water. "Jasper, will you run back to the top and make sure that none of the new letters or little notes are in her bag? Oh, and check to make sure that the picture will stay lodged under the small rock where it landed. We'll need it to be there when they look for her."

Bella watched as Alice closed her eyes.

"Rosalie is heading back with the garment bag. There's nothing else in the car that she'll need."

They were talking about her like she wasn't there.

"I need my bag," Bella protested, her words shaking with her body. "My wallet is in there."

Alice's smile fell. "It needs to stay there. At least for now. It'll be safe, I promise. You'll understand soon."

Bella hated the way they were talking around her, making preparations she couldn't understand. Her temper flared.

"I need to know what's going on. Now."

A soft hand touched her elbow, and she jumped, bumping into Esme as she turned around.

"It's good to see you again, Bella," Esme said with a shy smile.

Angry, Bella scowled at Esme.

"Did you know he was alive when I was in Forks?" she asked through gritted teeth.

Esme simply nodded.

"And you didn't tell me?" Her jaw was clenched, and she could feel her muscles getting tense with the stress and the cold.

"I'm sorry, honey. He still hadn't decided which course of action he wanted to take at that point."

Shivering so much that her teeth started to chatter, Bella asked, "What are you talking about?"

Bella's eyes followed Esme's gaze as she turned to look at Edward, who was swimming to shore.

A soft blanket was wrapped around Bella's shoulders as she watched his progress, and she pulled it tighter for warmth. Her shivering slowed, and she was finally able to take a deep breath.

After a few seconds, Esme turned back to Bella and touched her cheeks with cold hands. "Edward has a lot to tell you. Are you willing to come with us so that he can talk to you?"

"Please," Edward said, joining them. "Say you'll come with us so that I can explain."

Bella looked at his face and knew that whatever he asked, she would do it. She nodded.

"Can you?" Alice asked Edward, and Bella was confused.

He nodded, and before she knew what was happening, Alice had helped her onto Edward's back.

"Can you hold on tight?" Edward asked.

"I think?"

Before Bella could say anything else, Edward was running so fast it felt like flying. His path took them around the lake in the opposite direction from where she had come. Flashes of trees swept past them too quickly, making the dizziness from earlier return. Scared of the speed, Bella closed her eyes and tightened her grip around his neck.

She thought she heard him ask, "Are you okay?"

Unsure if Edward could hear her if she spoke, Bella nodded and laid her head against his shoulder blade. Even as she worried over the unnatural speed of Edward's gait, it felt so natural to be there, holding him again, that she tightened her legs and arms around him, pulling herself closer. A growling sound carried momentarily on the breeze. It was barely audible, but she could feel the vibrations against her cheek. She shivered again, this time it wasn't from the cold. Edward had growled at her.

For a moment, fear overcame her happiness at being with him, and she loosened her arms and legs.

His pace seemed to pick up, and she was afraid that she would pass out from the way her head was swimming.

They stopped running after a while, and she was surprised when he placed her on her feet and Alice immediately took her hand. Bella could hear branches moving and a few light steps on the ground around them, signaling that the others were right behind them.

"You'll ride from here to the house with Carlisle, Esme, and me. It'll be easier that way. And if we leave right now, we'll time the ferry perfectly." Alice smiled at her.

Bella felt herself being pulled to the black Mercedes she'd seen Esme in over the Fourth of July. It was parked in a small lot off the highway.

She looked longingly back at Edward, but he was climbing into a large Jeep with the two men from the lake and the blonde woman – who was still scowling at her.

Esme handed her a fresh blanket, tossing the wet blanket from earlier in the trunk. Bella felt her hair, wondering if it would drip on the leather seats, but it was very nearly dry from the wind of their run.

They were on the Port Townsend-Keystone Ferry in a matter of minutes. Nobody moved to leave the confines of the vehicle. Bella just pulled the blanket closer to her body, sighing as she watched the water outside of the car.

And then they were back on the road, heading into familiar territory. The forest closed in on the road and opened up again as they drove.

Her eyes never left the scenery, and she didn't speak, but she could feel her cheeks starting to flush. Anger blossomed as she thought of how these people had known the pain she was going through.

Any one of them could have eased her grief with a few simple words.

He was alive. And they had known it all along.

It didn't seem like it was long before they pulled down a dirt road and into a clearing, in front of a large white house.

Edward was opening her door before she'd even registered that the Jeep had pulled in behind them. She reached for his hand. He helped her out of the car and dropped her hand almost immediately.

"Are you okay, Edward?" She raised a hand to touch his cheek.

He looked away. "Go inside, please."

Alice arrived at her side at that moment and pulled on Bella's arm, tugging her toward the front stairs of the house.

Bella tugged back, trying to shake Alice, and was amazed at the smaller woman's strength. "I don't want to go without him," she protested.

"He needs a minute," Alice said. "Don't worry, he's not going anywhere without you."

Bella wanted to believe her.

Tentatively, she followed Alice up the steps.

When Alice opened the door, Bella could see that the home was as grand inside as it appeared from the outside. White carpeting, shining oak flooring and cream colored walls greeted her. The furnishings looked expensive and fit the space perfectly. There were a few pictures on the mantel, and as they were the least intimidating items in sight, Bella kicked her shoes off and stepped farther into the house to examine them.

The first picture was of Carlisle and Esme at their wedding. He wore a tux, and she wore a flowing gown that was buttoned up her neck. The style of the clothing seemed more suited to an earlier part of the twentieth century, and the sepia tones added to the antique effect. Oddly, they didn't seem any younger than they were now.

The next picture was of the blonde, Rosalie, and the big guy. They were on the beach at twilight, dressed in white cotton clothing, with beads tied onto an odd leather fringe. Rosalie was carrying a simple bouquet of wildflowers, with a few laced into her hair. Bella assumed it was their wedding picture.

"Rose and Emmett like to renew their vows every once in a while. This is Rosalie's favorite wedding photo," Alice said, coming up behind her. "Personally, I think the picture of their wedding in Paris is the best, but Rose likes the simplicity of this one."

Renew their vows? They couldn't be much older than their early twenties.

"Uh…how could they be old enough to have been married more than once?"

Alice laughed. "Oh, they're older than you'd believe."

Unsatisfied with the answer she'd received, Bella turned to the next photo. She wasn't surprised when she saw Alice and the tall blond man.

"Jasper is my husband, my soulmate. He's the reason I've been trying to help Edward figure out what he wants to do." Alice stood between the mantel and Bella. "It would tear me apart to be separated from Jasper. Besides, I've seen how good the two of you will be together – and how much you'll bring to our family." She pointed to the spot at the end of the mantel. "This is where the one of you and Edward will go."

Bellla was ready to ask what she meant when she was interrupted.

"Alice." Edward's voice echoed in the large room. "I'll take it from here."

Alice walked toward Edward with a skip in her step. "You'll be just fine. If you need a breather, walk outside for a few minutes. She'll wait."

"Can you see…?"

Alice shook her head. "Don't ask me to look for her answer. Ask her."

Jasper took Alice's hand and walked into what appeared to be the kitchen. She could see the shadow of a bulky shape moving in the room. It was probably Emmett. They were all staying nearby, apparently.

"Would you like to change into something dry?" Edward asked, pulling her attention from the kitchen.

Bella nodded, still unsure of how she should behave.

"There's a restroom across the hall. Esme just put some clean clothes in there for you, or you could wear the dress that you had in the car. It's in there, too."

He motioned with his arm toward the hallway, and Bella moved past him, stopping to look up into his eyes. They seemed darker than before.

"Why aren't they green anymore?" she asked.

"I have a lot to tell you. I'll be here when you've changed."

Bella winced at the anguished look on his face.

This wasn't going as she had thought it would. He seemed to want to talk to her, but he would pull back when she was near. Had he moved on? The letters had led her to believe that they would be together, but his behavior didn't back that up.

She moved away from him, walking to bathroom slowly, contemplating the situation.

As she turned to close the door, she saw him in the hallway, watching her. He dropped his head and turned away when she looked at him.

Hurt again, she closed the door and slumped against it, her breath hitching in her chest as she fought the tears that threatened.

She thought about everything that had happened. Edward was with six other people. He hadn't been alone this whole time. He'd been gone for a year, and she had met three of the people who knew he was alive, but they didn't tell her – saying he'd needed to decide what he wanted to do.

Seriously? He didn't know what he wanted? After four years. After buying a house together. After he'd begged her to marry him? Was it really that hard to decide if he still wanted her?

But obviously some things had changed. His eyes and his physique were different, and the lines of his face were sharper, his voice smoother. None of that altered the way she felt about him.

Was it possible his feelings for her had changed?

To distract herself, Bella looked at the clothes that were laid out for her - jeans and a sweatshirt - and noticed the garment bag hanging from the door.

The dress inside the bag was useless, as far as she could tell. With the way he maintained distance between them, there was no way there would be a celebration of her birthday with Edward.

She picked up the clothes Esme had provided, but instead of changing, she sat on the edge of the tub and dropped her head into her hands. Small hiccups turned into large sobs, and she couldn't stop the breakdown that was imminent.

A knock on the door, and Edward's quiet voice, brought her to the realization that she'd been in the bathroom a long time. "Bella, are you okay?"

"I'll be right out," she said, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose. A look in the mirror shocked her. Her hair was wild, sticking out in all directions. The little bit of makeup she had applied was smeared down her cheeks. Her nose was red.

"No wonder he doesn't want to be near me," Bella whispered as she wiped her face clean and found a hairbrush. It only took a minute to change and pull her hair up into a ponytail.

Then, she was faced with the idea of going back out to Edward.

After a moment of indecision, she took a deep breath and reached for the doorknob.

Edward was standing in the hallway, waiting for her to step out of the room. He had changed into dry clothes, too.

When Bella took a step toward him, he backed up.

"Bella, we really need to talk."

Her heart dropped.

"Is this it then? Are you giving up on me after all?"

Edward looked confused. "What?"

"That is never a good thing to hear," she whispered, folding her arms around herself.

Bella watched as Edward turned toward the kitchen, cocking his head to the side and dropping his chin slightly. He nodded as if someone had spoken to him, and turned to face her.

"I'm sorry. That didn't come out right. I have a lot to tell you, Bella. Please sit with me."

Edward's hand reached tentatively for hers. "Please."

When she extended her hand to him, his fingers barely wrapped around hers, as if he were afraid to touch her. He led her to the couch and waited until she was comfortably seated before he sat next to her—well, near her. A good six inches separated their legs, and he seemed careful to maintain the separation.

"So much has happened. I don't know where to start."

"Start in Spokane," she whispered, afraid to get to the part where they would talk about the future.

Edward hesitated, taking a short breath.

"The things that happened in Spokane are fuzzy. It might be better if you heard the details from Carlisle or Alice."

Bella shook her head. "Later. Right now I just want to know why everyone thought you were dead."

"I am," Edward whispered.

"What? But…"

"Oh, but I am. My body still moves, and I can think and feel, but my heart stopped nearly a year ago, Bella."

"I don't understand, Edward. What's going on here?"

He sighed. "I'm trying to explain that I'm not like I was a year ago. I'm not really Edward anymore."

"What are you talking about? I can see you. Sure, some things are different, but it's you. You're here."

Bella shook her head in confusion as Edward huffed in frustration.

"I died a year ago, Bella. My new life isn't…I'm not human anymore."

Fear pulled Bella farther from him on the couch. "Your eyes…"

"Yes," he said, nodding. "My eyes, my skin, my teeth. Especially my still, selfish heart."

Edward reached for her hand, bringing it to his chest and resting it over the place where his heart should have been beating.

It was still.

"You're not making sense, Edward," Bella whispered, tears filling her eyes. "You're alive…"

Alice glided into the living room at that moment, rescuing Edward by kneeling in front of Bella.

"He's obviously alive," she said, looking at Edward and rolling her eyes. "But he's different than he used to be. He's stronger, faster, and, well Bella, he's immortal now."

"What?" Bella whispered, looking between them. Her disbelief was evident.

"Do you mind if I tell her about Spokane, Edward? It would explain a lot, and maybe it would help her to understand."

Edward nodded, dropping Bella's hand. He moved away from her, nestling into the opposite corner of the couch as Alice sat next to her.

"You remember how I told you that Leitner was involved in some pretty shady things, right? Your dad told you, too?"

Bella nodded as Esme entered the room with a mug, handing it to Bella.

"It's tea. It'll help warm you up."

"Thank you, Esme," Bella said, turning back to Alice as Esme left again.

"Well, the police have no idea just how dark his antics were. He was connected to some other immortals from Italy, the Volturi." Alice looked at her for a moment before deciding to continue. "They have more money than anyone in the world. Leitner liked the idea of having more of it. They were generous with him, and all he had to do was help them…well, that is neither here nor there. Anyway, he decided that if he had his own immortals, he might be able to amass a fortune like theirs. Little did he know that they've been working on that fortune for millennia."

"I've heard of Volturi," Bella said. "It's in the investigation of Leitner. I think they're linked to his disappearance."

Alice waved her hand. "He's not missing. He's dead. I'm surprised they let him live as long as they did. He used one of their own against them. They don't allow anyone to get away with things like that."

"Dead? Are they mafia?"

Alice shook her head. "They are sort of the rulers of our world, and they can never know that we're having this conversation while you are still human."

"Alice," Edward growled. "Stop it."

Bella watched the glances they exchanged, and the changing expressions on each of their faces. It was like they were talking to each other, but neither of them said a word.

"How do you know this is the right way?" Edward finally asked Alice.

She tapped the side of her head with her finger, and he nodded.

"Anyway," Alice started again, "Edward found a few of Leitner's files that he wasn't supposed to find. He found out about some money laundering and a link to a missing person case. It was enough to put Leitner away for a long time. So, when Edward approached him, he told Edward to go to the warehouse to find a file that would exonerate him."

Bella looked at Edward, and he nodded. "I remember a little of that. I left my briefcase in the car, thinking I was only going to be in the warehouse for a little while. But what I found inside…"

He looked away, his eyes clouded with the memory.

Alice picked up the story. "Leitner and one of the Volturi guards had decided to create their own immortals. They were using the warehouse to hide them during the day. And I saw that at some point, Leitner planned to join them, to become like us."

"What do you mean you 'saw' it?"

"I'll explain it later."

Bella thought about protesting for a moment, but then she nodded for Alice to go on. She was determined to find out what had happened to Edward.

"Anyway, we watched Edward go into the building, and I saw that he was supposed to be part of our family. I told Carlisle what I knew, and so we waited. When the Volturi left the building, they set fire to the remains of the newborns…"

"They set fire to babies?" Bella asked, horrified at the thought.

"No, no." Alice shook her head. "Sorry, I forget that this is new to you. We use the term newborns to describe new immortals."

"So they set fire to the new immortals?"

This time Alice nodded. "It's the only way to make sure they are truly dead."

"They murdered them?"

Carlisle spoke then. "They ended their immortality, Bella. Spokane had suffered thirty unexplained deaths and at least fifteen disappearances by then. We were prepared to stop the newborns, as well."

"You were going to kill them?"

Carlisle nodded. "It was the only way to keep the humans in Spokane safe."

Bella felt dizzy again, and her hands started to shake so violently that tea sopped over the rim of the mug.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Edward asked.

She looked around the room, taking in the people with her. Her head swam.

"I…I'm just so tired. And confused. I think I need to walk around a little."

Alice stood and stepped away from her.

"Esme, maybe you can take Bella to Edward's room. She needs to rest."

Esme came back into the room, moving too quickly, and Bella's face reflected her shock.

"Sorry," Esme said as she reached out to her. "I forget myself when I'm at home."

She led Bella to a door on the second floor.

"Try to get some rest. I'll see if anyone can cook for you. Alice says you need nourishment."

Bella walked into the room alone and took in her surroundings.

The room was sparsely decorated. There was a huge bed in the middle that was perfectly made and a leather couch along one wall. A big screen television and stereo took up the other wall. She walked to the wall of windows on the opposite side and watched as Edward, Jasper, and Emmett started to run in the back yard, picking up speed so quickly that they were gone before she could register what had happened.

Once again, she felt overwhelmed with what she had seen and heard, but she wanted answers.

She opened every drawer, moved every piece of clothing in the closet, and went through the cupboards in the attached bathroom, but there was nothing there that was out of the ordinary. Nothing in the room seemed to be a personal item of Edward's.

Except one framed photo on the nightstand.

It was a picture of the two of them together at Jessica and Mike's wedding. He was standing behind her, his hands wrapped around her waist, and she was turning her head to look back at him, huge smiles on both of their faces.

How had he gotten this picture? Did he spend time looking at it?

Bella reached for the frame and sat on the bed, cradling it.

After a while, the exhaustion from so many sleepless nights began to pull on her. She climbed into the bed and snuggled under the comforter, the picture in her hands. Her eyes got heavy as she stared at the photo, and she drifted into a dreamless sleep.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella awoke with a start. The room was in shadow, but she could feel someone watching her.

"Edward?"

"Yes." His voice came from the couch on the other side of the room.

"How long have I been asleep?"

"A while."

She sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, then attempted to stand, falling back against the bed as she experienced another wave of dizziness.

His hands caught her and steadied her.

How did he get over there so quickly?

"You need to eat. And Carlisle thinks you may be a little dehydrated."

As if on cue, Alice opened the door, light spilling through from the hallway behind her. She had a tray of food in her hands.

"I still have a lot of questions, Edward," Bella said quietly.

"You eat, we'll talk," Edward said as he turned on the light.

He helped her back onto the bed and moved to sit on the couch again.

"No. Please stay here," she said, patting the spot beside her.

Edward looked to Alice, who nodded, and he climbed onto the bed, sitting against the headboard.

Alice placed the tray over Bella's legs and grabbed a bottle of water, opening it before handing it to her.

"Drink up," she said, before moving to the other side of the room and sitting on the couch.

Edward watched her sip the water, saying nothing.

Bella worked up her courage before she spoke. Sleep had helped her clear her mind, and she was ready to know what was going on.

"So, you are stronger than before, your skin is cold and hard, you are incredibly fast, your eyes are a different color, and your heart doesn't beat now. You say that you're immortal. What does that mean?"

Edward looked away from her, staring out the window at the dark clouds that hovered over the treeline.

"Just tell her," Alice prodded.

"But…" Edward hesitated.

Alice huffed at him. "Get it over with, Edward. You need to tell her everything so that she can decide what she wants to do. Charlie is already looking for her. We need to know what course we're taking."

Edward sighed and looked back out the window, swallowing hard before he spoke.

"We're...vampires, Bella."

Her first impulse was to laugh, and she couldn't suppress the giggles that bubbled up. But when Edward looked back at her, she could see the seriousness of this confession, and the laughter died as quickly as it had started.

"Vampires? Like 'I vant to suck your blood' vampires?"

He nodded curtly.

"All of you?"

Another nod.

"Is that why Emmett said they were trying to keep me safe?"

Edward dropped his head into his hands. "Yes," he whispered. "I could hurt you, even if I didn't mean to. I could easily kill you, Bella. You aren't safe with me."

"You would never hurt me, Edward."

"Newborns are unstable. That's why it's taken so long for him to be near you," Alice said from her spot across the room.

"Newborn? But, the Volturi killed the newborns, right?"

"They took care of the newborns in the warehouse in Spokane. And I would have died in the fire they lit if Carlisle and Alice hadn't come for me. I was dying. My body was badly burned, and my lungs were singed from the fire and smoke. If Carlisle hadn't changed me, I would be gone. I'm a newborn, Bella."

Bella shivered at that thought.

"I'm glad Carlisle and Alice came for you."

Edward looked unsure for a moment before asking, "Doesn't it bother you that I'm a vampire?"

"I'm not sure how I feel. I need to know more, but I really don't know what to ask."

"How about asking what I…eat?"

Bella looked at him nervously. "What do you eat?"

Edward ran a hand through his hair. "We call ourselves 'vegetarians'. We only drink the blood of animals, never humans." He looked at her warily.

"Okay…" She bit on her bottom lip. "Um…"

"Ask me whatever you want, Bella. I'll answer honestly."

She paused for a while, thinking about all of the things she wanted to know. Finally, she settled on a question.

"Did it take you all this time to decide you still wanted to be with me?"

Edward cringed, and Alice sighed across the room.

"Told you, Edward. She's not going to ask what you think she will. You need to explain everything." With that, Alice stood. "The two of you need some alone time."

Bella could feel the bed shift as Edward stiffened and leaned away from her.

"Is that really a good idea, Alice?" he asked.

Alice stopped at the door, closing her eyes for a full minute.

"I see," Edward said, relaxing noticeably.

Alice smiled at them both and walked out the door, closing it behind her.

"What is with all this silent communication?" Bella asked, watching Edward's face closely.

"Um…Alice and I are…gifted, I guess you could say. She can see things that are going to happen, and I can hear thoughts."

"So you can hear what I'm thinking?"

Edward shook his head. "Not you. Everyone else, but not you."

"How does that work?"

"I'd like to address the other question first, if you don't mind. But you really need to eat something before I start. Please."

"Fine. I'm eating. Talk," Bella said, picking up the sandwich from the plate and taking a small bite.

Edward shifted so that he was sitting sideways, looking at Bella. He reached for her left hand, clasping it gently between his hands.

"There has never been a single moment when I didn't want to be with you, Bella. Every minute of every day since I woke up immortal, I have ached for you. But I didn't think it would be fair to you…to want you like that."

"Why didn't you tell me you were alive?"

"I didn't want you to know," he said simply, his face a mask of sorrow.

The pain in Bella's chest at his answer was almost overwhelming, and she dropped the sandwich back onto the plate, quickly moving the tray to her side, and brought her knees up close to her body. Her free arm wrapped around her legs.

He continued, "I thought it would be best for you if you thought I was dead. I figured that you could get over my death and move on. I thought that I could let you go."

She gasped, tears filling her eyes.

He gestured to her. "Obviously, I was wrong."

Relief flooded her system.

"Eat," Edward said, motioning to the plate and waiting for her to pick up the sandwich again before continuing. "Alice delivered the first letter for me, after she saw how much pain you were in. I thought it would make you happier if you could remember some of the good things."

"Was she watching our house?"

Edward looked uncomfortable. "Not exactly."

Bella's posture loosened, and she straightened her legs in front of her again. Then she shifted to face Edward.

"Is this about how she says she 'sees' things? What does that mean?"

"She told me that your intuition going to make this interesting." He chuckled. "And Alice is never wrong."

"You're stalling, Edward." Bella withdrew her hand from his and bent her legs, sitting up on them. "You need to tell me what's going on. I've been living without you for a year. I thought I'd never see you again, but you've been here the entire time. I need to know what happened. I need to understand what's going on here."

He reached forward slowly, stroking her cheek with his hand, and she leaned into his palm, enjoying the contact.

"I've missed you," he said. "I didn't think I'd ever be able to touch you again."

"But you did, while I slept. Didn't you?"

Edward moved very slowly, nodding as he approached Bella. He barely touched her forehead with his lips. "I had to see you. Emmett, Jasper, and Alice never left me alone with you, but I was there."

The nighttime talkers.

"I heard you talking to Alice. I thought I was going crazy."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Edward moved away again, and they sat in silence for a while. His fingers caressed her hand, making small circles on her skin.

"You feel so warm to me," he said, looking at her hand. "It's nice."

Bella moved the tray of food to the nightstand and moved closer to Edward.

"Please don't get too close. I don't want to do anything to hurt you." Edward was pleading with her.

"How would you hurt me? You haven't done anything that scares me, Edward."

Edward looked around for a moment, finally reaching over her to the nightstand, before picking up the fork that was next to Bella's plate. He pinched it between his fingers, and the fork fell to the bed in two pieces. Bella gasped.

He opened his fingers, showing her the dust that was all that remained of the piece of fork that he had pinched.

"It would be easy to hurt you without even trying. And that's just one thing." He stared at the tray of food for a moment before picking up a carrot stick.

"I don't eat food anymore," he said, dropping the carrot back onto the plate.

Oh. Right. That. She thought back to her first impression, the Bela Lugosi stereotype she had giggled over. _I vant to suck your blood…_

"So…um…do you want…"

"No. God, no. I…" He shuddered. "I couldn't…"

"Is it very hard for you to be near me?"

Edward shook his head sadly. "It isn't easy. Right now, it's difficult to resist the scent of your blood. I'm trying, but…it's harder than I want it to be."

Bella moved away instinctively, and Edward's face fell.

"See? You'll be running away soon."

No. Not after all of the time and all of the pain. Bella scooted closer to him again, reaching to touch his cheek. Moving slowly, her hand came into contact with his face.

"I can't believe I'm touching you," she said reverently. "You're here. It's been so long. You could tell me you were the Loch Ness Monster and I'd stay. Don't you see, Edward? I can't live without you. I've tried. There won't be running and screaming. You're stuck with me."

"But you don't know what that means for you," Edward stated, getting off of the bed so that he could pace. "You'll have to pretend to be dead to be with me, Bella. Nobody can know that I'm alive. They can't ever see me again, and if you want to be with me, they can't see you, either. Are you ready to give up Charlie? My mom? What about Jessica and Angela? How much are you willing to give up?"

"All of it. I just want to be where you are."

"Drink some more. Eat. You can't make a decision like this when you aren't feeling normal. Still dizzy?"

Edward stopped pacing and looked at her.

Bella shrugged as she took another sip of the water. "I'm feeling much better."

He turned toward the window again, staring at the world outside. When she spoke again, he returned to sit by her.

"So you really do want me here?"

"More than you'll ever know," he whispered. "But I don't know if it's fair to you. There's so much you have to sacrifice."

Before Bella could reply, a soft knock sounded on the door, and it opened slowly.

"Bella, I know this isn't the best time, but we'd like to celebrate your birthday before it's over. Esme ordered a cake, and the family wants to officially meet you. Are you ready to come down?"

Bella looked at Edward. His shoulders sagged slightly, but he nodded, and motioned toward the door before reaching for her hand to help her up. She didn't let go, holding tightly to his fingers as he followed her out the door and down the stairs.

The entire family was there, sitting around the dining room table. A beautiful cake sat in the center, candles lit. The words 'Happy Birthday' were written in bright blue frosting.

"Where did you get the cake?" Bella asked, her eyes wide.

"In Port Angeles. Yesterday. We couldn't put your name on it, sorry," Esme said.

Bella looked to Edward in confusion. "They'll think you're missing, Bella. We couldn't have a cake order lead them to us."

She nodded. "I see."

Bella watched as Esme cut a slice of the cake and served it to her, while the family sang 'Happy Birthday'.

"Aren't you going to have some?" she asked, looking around the table.

"We can't eat human food. It's incompatible with our systems," Carlisle said. "We can't digest it."

"Oh," Bella said, slumping as the reality sunk in a little more.

"I have a gift for you, Bella. Edward says I can't give it to you yet, but he's just being a party pooper," Alice chirped.

Edward growled at Alice and they started to talk around Bella. Carlisle and Esme were discussing his schedule for the next week, trying to decide if he should take some time off, or if it would be suspicious. Bella felt awkward eating alone.

Rose finally got up and left the table. Emmett shrugged and followed.

"Don't worry about her - she's just not happy with the situation, Bella," Esme explained. "She thinks Edward should have left you alone."

"Which is silly," Alice chimed in. "You've been the only thing he can think about. He needed to know if you could be here with him. Will you stay?"

Bella was getting ready to answer when Emmett called from the living room, "I think you should all see this."

Edward pulled on Bella's hand, leading her out of the kitchen and coming to a stop in front of the big screen. Charlie was on the television, asking for help in locating his daughter.

Her stomach churned, the few bites she had eaten sitting like rocks in it. They had realized that she was missing.

"Her telephone goes straight to voice mail, and all text messages have gone unanswered. It's not like her," Charlie said to the reporter. "If anyone has seen this car, please call us."

A photo flashed across the screen. Edward's car. The license plate number was printed over the picture.

Then Charlie appeared again. "Please. If you have any information about Bella, please call the missing person hotline for King County." A white number flashed across the bottom of the screen. "And Bella, if you see this? Please come home."

The screen flipped black for a second, then shifted to a Doritos commercial.

In the Cullen home, there was utter silence. The family looked at one another uncomfortably, and then, just as uncomfortably, they all looked at her.

"It's time to talk about her choices, Edward," Carlisle said, breaking the silence. "I think we need to have a family counsel."

Bella froze. This seemed serious.

Edward squeezed her hand. "Let's do that."

Carlisle took Esme's hand and walked into the formal dining room, turning on the light as he went. He pulled her chair out, helping her to sit before taking his place at the head of the table.

Edward and Bella followed them, but she could hear Rose scoffing behind her. She turned to Edward for reassurance.

"It'll be okay," he said.

"Can you know that?"

"Once we figure out what we need to do, everything will be fine. Please trust me on this."

Bella nodded and he kissed her forehead before he led her to the chair next to Esme's.

**A/N**

**Thank you for your patience. This chapter took me a while, and I've actually split it in half. I'm still working on the second part, so I've dragged my feet on getting this posted. Nineteen will be the last regular chapter, and then the epilogue.**

**I have also written an EPOV outtake for the Fandom for TX Wildfires. I'll be posting a few small outtakes in the future, so if you would like to be aware of when they post, please put me on author alert.**

**As always, I need to thank the ladies who keep me going. GinnyW, Shug, Giselle-lx, and the ladies who put up with me in WC's. You are the best!**

**And once again, thank you for all of the love in reviews and tweets. You have no idea how much it motivates and encourages the people who write stories like mine. Makes me smile.**


	19. Chapter 19 Choices

Chapter 19 – Choices

Bella was nervous as she walked into the dining room. She had no idea what was about to happen.

Carlisle took the seat at the head of the table. The rest of the family seemed to have assigned spots, moving seamlessly as they dropped into chairs. Edward pulled out a chair and she sat. He sat next to her and reached for her hand as Carlisle started to speak.

"Bella, there are things you should know before you make a choice. The most important thing for you to understand right now is that your father is pulling out all of the stops. He's already contacted friends of his throughout the state to search for you. We were hoping we'd have twenty-four hours, at least, before he was able to pull this together."

Carlisle paused and looked around the table. Bella noticed that the big guy who pulled her out of the water was nodding and the other guy looked like he was about to jump out of his seat.

Carlisle went straight to the point, saying, "They'll find the car before too long. The question is, do you want them to find you when they do?"

Edward tensed next to her. A small growl escaped his lips.

Alice had been quietly sitting across the table from Bella, her eyes closed. When her eyes opened, Bella saw Edward watching Alice carefully.

"Are you sure?" he asked her.

Alice nodded. "Charlie will look closer to home first. He's going to the meadow with a team. We can buy a little time if we leave an article of clothing there."

Jasper was up before she finished, but he stopped moving when Alice reached out and touched his arm.

"Jasper, stay for a minute, please," she said. "Bella may need you here while we talk."

Bella was about to ask what she meant, but Alice nodded at Carlisle and he spoke again.

"We need to know what you'd like to do, Bella. The choices are limited, I'm afraid. If you choose to stay here with Edward, you'll never get to see your family again. You won't be there when your friend Jessica has her baby. You won't be in Angela's wedding party. Ed and Elizabeth will lose the only link to Edward they have. We will embrace you as a part of our family, but that will never be the same. It's a lot to ask of you."

"And if I stay?" Bella asked. "Does Edward want me to be here?"

Edward squeezed her hand lightly. "Of course I want you here. I just can't ask you to sacrifice so much for my sake…" He looked away from her, and she could feel the tension in his body.

Bella was happy with his response, but she took a deep breath before she asked her next question.

"If I stay, will you make me immortal like Edward?"

Edward's hand left hers, and when she turned to his spot he was gone. She looked behind her, and he was at the other side of the room, and then back by her side. He repeated his pacing several times, making her dizzy as she tried to watch his movements.

When he stopped, he turned to her with pain in his eyes. "You don't know what you're asking."

Bella rose and moved to Edward. Her hand reached for his face, smoothing the lines on his forehead.

"I'm asking to be like you so that we can be together forever."

"I can't do that to you, Bella."

Bella looked at Carlisle, noticing that he was watching Edward carefully, and then she looked back at Edward.

"You're afraid to touch me now. If I stay here, and I'm still human, will we be able to be together?"

The room was silent. A few anxious glances swept the table, but nobody dared answer.

"Well? Will we be able to have a normal relationship? Or will Edward always be afraid to touch me or be near me?"

Carlisle finally answered with a resigned sigh, "It'll take some time for him to be used to being near you for more than brief periods, but I think at some point you could have a fairly normal relationship."

Edward snarled as Rosalie stood.

"There's nothing normal about us, Carlisle. I told Edward to leave her alone, to let her have a normal human life, get married, have children. He just couldn't do it, could he? He's risking the exposure of our family so that he can get over his human feelings." Rose glared at Edward. "She had another man in her life, but you couldn't let it be, could you, Edward? She's only human. She would have moved on and had a family. You have nothing to offer her in this life, and yet here she is."

Bella felt the anger flow through her body. She could feel the red moving into her cheeks, and the scowl on her face. She hissed as she stepped toward Rose.

"You don't know as much as you think, Rose," Bella growled. "I had no intention of moving on with Brad, or having a family with him. Even Elizabeth wished there was a way for me to be with Edward. No matter what. She didn't want me to be with someone else. I'm here because I want to be here. I've tried moving on. It didn't work out so well for me."

Bella felt Edward's hand on her cheek and realized there were tears rolling down her face. She turned to face him.

"I'm staying here. No matter what."

Rosalie snarled and disappeared from the room. Emmett followed with a quiet, "Sorry," over his shoulder.

Bella returned to her seat, her hand in Edward's.

Carlisle continued. "You can stay with us as a human for the rest of your life, if that's what you choose. We won't age, you will. In a few years, we can forge some documents, and you can work, if you'd like."

Edward squeezed her hand.

"And you won't mind when I get wrinkles and grey hair?" Bella asked, looking at Edward.

"That's how it should be."

"And when I die? Because I will die at some point if I'm human. What then?"

Edward frowned. His eyes narrowed, and his lips thinned into a tight line. Finally, he answered, "I'll find a way to follow you."

"Or…" Alice began, but Edward cut her off.

"Stop it, Alice!"

"Or what?" Bella asked, looking back and forth between them.

"Don't," Edward warned.

Carlisle's voice broke the tension. "She has to hear everything, Edward. Please let Alice speak."

Edward growled, but nodded after a few moments.

"Or, we can do what you asked and make you one of us, Bella. I saw it shortly after Edward was changed, but he didn't want to hear anything about it. Now you'd have to understand that it's not something Carlisle has ever done for someone who wasn't dying, but he knows just how much Edward needs you. Poor Jasper has been miserable for nearly a year, feeling Edward's ache."

"Jasper has been miserable?" Bella asked.

Carlisle answered her question. "Jasper is an empath. He feels what we feel. Strong emotions can be very difficult for him. Between Edward's newborn bloodlust, and his pain over being separated from you, Jasper has been taxed to new limits."

It was silent for a while, as Bella absorbed all of the information that had been given to her.

Carlisle broke the silence. "As Alice was saying, there is another alternative for you. But I need to tell you, it's not an option that I take lightly. I wouldn't do it immediately. You need some time to see how we live, to think all of this over. The idea that Edward isn't dead has been a shock, I'm sure. I wouldn't be surprised if you need time to cope with all that's happened."

Bella nodded in agreement. The events of the last week had been exhausting. Saying goodbye to her friends at dinner drained her, and the reality of everything was just starting to settle in.

"I'd like to sleep on everything and talk about it again tomorrow, if you don't mind."

Carlisle stood. "I think that's a wonderful idea. Edward, why don't you take her upstairs? I think there are other questions she might have for you."

"Should I go to the meadow?" Jasper asked, looking directly at Bella.

He was giving her a choice. If he went to the meadow and left an article of clothing, her father wouldn't find the car as quickly. She would be buying a little time.

She nodded. "Thank you, Jasper."

Before she could finish his name, he was gone.

"Alice bought some things for you. I'm sure there are pajamas. Why don't we go up to my room and you can change?"

Edward looked unsure, so Bella squeezed his hand.

"Only if you'll stay. I really do have some things I'd like to ask." She paused, blushing lightly. "And if it isn't too hard for you, I'd like to fall asleep with you there."

Edward cast a panicked glance at Alice, who nodded. "You'll be fine."

With Bella's hand in his, he led the way to his room.

~X~X~X~X~X~

After Edward had shown Bella a surprising amount of clothing that was meant for her, she picked fleece pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, and excused herself to take a shower.

There was so much to consider, but there was no question in her mind of where she belonged.

With Edward. Wherever he may be. No matter what he was.

The choice that lay ahead made her head spin, and she stood under the hot water, reeling from the events of the day. Her head ached and her body hurt from the plunge she had taken earlier. The icy cold of the water earlier and the stress of the situation had drained her, both physically and mentally. The promise of a warm bed and a soft pillow under her head seemed like heaven.

But, there was still so much to think about, so many questions to ask. She lost track of time as she contemplated everything that had happened and all she had learned.

Edward's voice startled her. "Are you okay?" he asked from the doorway of the bathroom.

"I'm fine. Sorry, the water just felt so good, and I got lost in my thoughts."

His small laugh made her smile for the first time all day.

"Still my same Bella," he said before closing the door.

"Are you still my same Edward?" she whispered as she turned off the water and reached for a towel.

When she was dressed, she walked back into his room slowly.

Edward was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands.

"Edward, what's wrong?"

He looked up at her, a strange sadness etching his features.

"I'm not the same, you know. In so many ways I am. But the differences may be too much for you."

Bella took his hand and led him to the bed, waiting until they were seated, hands clasped, before speaking.

"There's one question that is the most important, I think," she said, looking straight into his golden eyes. "How do you feel about me? Have your feelings changed?"

Edward's forehead touched hers softly, and his sweet breath swept over her face.

"That is the one thing that survived my change untouched. I woke up calling your name. There hasn't been a moment when I haven't ached to be with you. You are the one thing I couldn't leave behind from my human life. It's not fair to you, but it's true. I couldn't go on existing without you near."

Bella reached into the neck of the t-shirt she had donned, and pulled out the necklace she had worn since the day he had given it to her for her birthday. The locket dangled from the links. But it wasn't alone. The ring Edward had intended to give her was wrapped around the edge of the locket.

"You have the ring?" he asked.

"I always have it."

Edward reached out, slowly moving his fingers to touch the ring that hung around Bella's neck. He lifted it away from her skin and examined it in the light, a frown etching his features.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I'm not worth it, you know."

"What are you talking about?"

Edward dropped the ring and took Bella's hands in his own.

"You can still have everything we dreamed of. You can get married, have children, have grandchildren. You can experience all of the things that a human is supposed to experience. But not if you stay here with me. I don't know why I couldn't just allow you to do that without interfering in your life."

Bella was silent for a while, thinking about what he had said. The anger started to build again, her lungs feeling too heavy, her throat aching with the need to cry. When she spoke, her words were laced with bitterness.

"You can't have it both ways, Edward. You can't leave me human and allow me to do all of those things, and still be a part of my life. If you really thought that I'd move on, that I'd get married and have a family, you should have left me alone. As long as I know you're out there waiting, I can't move on. I can't do all those human things."

His head dropped into his hands, and he grabbed at his hair.

"I know. I just…couldn't watch while you moved on." He looked into her eyes. "If you don't want to give up everything, we can leave. I'll drive you back to our car and you can go home and start over. You'll never see me again, and I'll leave you alone, I promise."

Bella took a deep breath, exhaling slowly to remain calm.

When she finally spoke, her voice remained steady, even as she was struggling to remain collected. "Edward, my choice is made. I am here. I'm staying here. I've already said my goodbyes. I've given up my friends and my family – your family – to be here with you. The only question now is whether you will make me like you or not."

"I can't take away your humanity. You don't know what that means." He face was hard, his eyes narrowed.

She moved to sit against the headboard, watching Edward.

"I haven't felt human for a while now." As he shook his head and started to respond, she stopped him. "Let me finish."

He looked at her, smiled, and whispered.

"I forgot just how much I enjoyed that about you."

"What?"

"How you stand up for yourself and tell me how it is."

Bella felt the smile spread on her face. "You didn't always enjoy it. I used to drive you crazy when I wouldn't bend."

He chuckled. "Well, you are stubborn."

She laughed with him, but stopped when she realized what he'd done. "I am stubborn, which is why I won't let you distract me from the point I was trying to make."

Emmett's voice carried up the stairs. "She's perfect for you, Eddie. You need someone to push you around a little."

Bella's face reddened. "They can hear us?"

Edward nodded and moved to sit next to her. "Super hearing comes with the package."

Taking a deep breath, she prepared herself to continue.

"I kissed him, you know." She looked at Edward's stricken face. "I could have done more. The girls wanted me to. They stayed out late in Vegas so I could have the room to myself."

She reached over to stroke his fisted hands, trying to make him release the hair he had in his grip.

"He was a nice guy, but he wasn't you. I just couldn't do it." His fingers relaxed with her words.

"Alice wasn't sure what would happen. She couldn't see if you would…"

"I'm glad I didn't," she whispered. "You're still here. Still alive."

"If you can call it that."

Bella grimaced, and gritted her teeth. Frustrated with his self-loathing, especially when she had just found him, she curled up under the covers and pulled the pillow around her head. It felt like he didn't want her as much as she wanted him.

"I'm done talking tonight, Edward. I have a million questions, but I'm waiting until tomorrow to ask them."

He nodded and moved away from her. As Edward turned off the light, she spoke.

"Oh, and you won't be the one answering a lot of them."

"What are you talking about, Bella?"

"I'll be talking to the Cullens."

Bella swore she heard a growl as Edward moved back toward the bed.

"What do you mean you'll be talking to the Cullens?"

"I love you, Edward, but I don't trust you to answer everything fully. You already have your mind made up about changing me. I need to talk to people who aren't biased."

A roar of laughter came from downstairs. Emmett, Bella assumed.

"Awesome," a very feminine voice called out. It sounded like Alice.

Bella felt lighter than she had in months. She giggled lightly as she caught the look on Edward's face in the dim moonlight.

"Good night," he said, pouting.

"Stay?"

Edward nodded and Bella closed her eyes.

~X~X~X~X~X~

As tired as Bella was, she couldn't fall asleep. She tossed from one side to the other, readjusted her pillow, and thrashed so much that the sheets were wrapped around her body, twisting her tightly in their grasp.

Edward's quiet voice carried across the darkness of the room.

"What's wrong, Bella? Why can't you sleep?"

She sat up quickly and almost shouted. "You're kidding me, right?"

He spoke from the side of the bed then, causing her to jump. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Bella hesitated before answering. "Hold me?"

Edward moaned. "I don't think I can be that close to you. You smell even better when you sleep."

"Just until I fall asleep? Please?" she asked, pleading.

His weight pressed into the bed, and she felt him mold the blankets to her body before pressing his hard body against her back. "I'll try," he whispered.

When his arm came to rest on her waist, Bella felt herself relax, her body more at ease than it had been for a year. This was right. She was where she needed to be.

"Thank you," she said with a yawn, and the toll of the day hit her, pulling her under quickly.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella was standing in the meadow, watching a beautiful kite soar through the bright blue sky, when a sparkling figure caught her eye. It moved along the edge of the meadow, between the trees and the shadows, never revealing itself fully to her weak eyes.

"Who's there?" she called nervously. "Edward, is that you?"

A scoff and a snide laugh broke the silence. The voice was not masculine.

"Please, tell me who you are?" Bella begged.

The sparkling disappeared, only to flash in her eyes from another part of the tree line seconds later. Whoever it was, they were taunting her.

She waited, spinning as noises surrounded her – limbs breaking, birds taking flight, and a rush of wind through the leaves.

A shrill laugh rang out, echoing through the meadow.

"What do you want?"

A shudder rolled down Bella's spine as she listened to the laughter ringing out in the trees. A silvery smooth voice called out to her, "You don't belong with us. Go home, Human."

She spun, looking for the source of the voice, but it was Charlie, walking out of the trees, that caught her attention.

"Bella, where have you been? I miss you. Your mother misses you. Come home with me. We'll find a way to make you happy."

Movement caught her eye to the right of her, and she turned her head, gazing in awe as Elizabeth waved.

"Don't listen, honey. You are where you need to be. Stay with him, no matter what."

Spinning, Bella caught sight of a fire on the edge of the meadow, blazing in one place, no smoke, no movement from that spot.

"Edward, where are you?" she cried. "Are you in the fire?"

Her head swirling, Bella fell to her knees. A soft touch to her shoulder made her jump. Edward's voice was behind her. "I still love you. I can't lose you, Bella."

Bella's eyes popped open, and she jerked away from the coldness at her back, realizing too late that it was Edward. He was still holding her, but at her surprised motion, he leapt from the bed, breathing hard.

"Sorry," she whispered. "Bad dream."

"I know," he said in the darkness. "You were talking."

He sat on the edge of the bed again, reaching out to stroke her cheek with his cold hand. "You should go back to sleep. You need the rest. Carlisle could give you something to help."

She shook her head. "I just need to get things sorted out. Stay with me?" she asked.

"I'll never leave you again," he said, and her eyes closed.

**Yes, I know it's been forever. Sorry about that. Life has some interesting twists and turns at times.**

**I ended up splitting this chapter (again), but I promise you won't have to wait long for the rest. I'm working on it today, and plan to update again tomorrow. Then it'll just be the epilogue. That will come soon.**

**Thank you for sticking with me. I haven't been around to respond to your reviews, but I hope you know that I appreciate each one, as I appreciate all of you who read my stories. **

**Until tomorrow, enjoy. **


	20. Chapter 20 - Acceptance

Chapter 20 – Acceptance

Bella spent time each day with the Cullens, asking all of the questions that she needed answered before her decision was made.

Carlisle was first.

"I never met the vampire who changed me. It was an accident, I believe. Given more time, he would have finished me. I started this life alone, a very long time ago, and I've seen a lot in my lifetime," he said. "I spent much of it by myself, hating what I'd become, wishing I could die. I think I probably understand Edward's feelings more than the others do."

"What changed those feelings for you?"

A smile crossed his face. "Esme. I'd met her ten years before I changed her, and I think I fell in love the minute I saw her. But she was just a girl, so I left. Somehow, she ended up in the morgue of the hospital where I worked a decade later, in another city, her heartbeat weak and slowing, and her death imminent.

"I decided that I'd been alone long enough," he said with a sigh. "I couldn't stand by and watch her die. Changing her was selfish, I know, but I've never been sorry. She says she isn't either."

Esme's voice swept into the room. "This life is where I'm meant to be. With you. I'm happier with you than I ever was before, Carlisle."

When Esme came into the room, she sat by Bella.

"I was certainly interested in the strange doctor who treated my broken leg when I was sixteen," she explained. "But he disappeared." She winked at Carlisle.

"My parents found a man they felt was a fitting husband, and they threw us together. They worried because I was more interested in going to school than getting married. Charles allowed me to finish my degree, and I thought we could have a decent marriage. He waited until I was twenty-two. Unfortunately, the longer we were together, the more I learned about him." Esme turned to look out of the window. "He became abusive, demanding that I stay at home and have children. Be a proper wife. It took a couple of years for me to become pregnant, and when I finally did, he seemed to resent it. One night he was so violent that he really hurt me. I was terrified for the baby I was carrying."

Bella squeezed Esme's hand.

"I left him and went into hiding," Esme continued. "But it was too late. My son was born too early, and he was weak. He only lived a couple of days."

"I'm so sorry," Bella said, her heart aching for Esme. "That must have been horrible."

"I didn't think I could go on," Esme said, turning to look Bella in the eye. "I tried to take my own life by jumping off a cliff. Someone saw me jump, and they retrieved my body, thinking I had succeeded. They took me to the morgue. When I opened my eyes to this life, and to Carlisle, I was confused, but I also felt that it was possible to be happy again. It took a little time to trust him, and to allow myself to feel happiness again, but I did."

Bella watched as the two vampires exchanged a glance that was so loving, it nearly hurt to watch.

Esme turned back to her. "I understand how you were feeling, Bella. Losing Edward was more than you wanted to deal with, and I believe you wouldn't have recovered fully. I think you should be with him. He loves you, as Carlisle loves me. Everything will work out…somehow."

Esme embraced her before leaving with Carlisle, and Rose stepped into the room.

"I think they're wrong. You'll regret staying," she said bluntly. "Immortality may seem wonderful to you now, but you'll lose more than you'll gain."

"What do you know about what I want, Rose?"

"More than you know." Rose sat on Carlisle's office sofa, and leaned forward to talk to Bella. "I was a socialite. My parents had a lot of money, and they planned a wonderful life for me and my siblings."

"And?"

Rose huffed, looking at Bella with cruel eyes. "My father arranged for me to meet a very eligible young man. He was handsome and rich. We were the perfect couple, or so everyone thought."

Bella felt the shift in the air, and watched as Rose's face transformed into a look or horror and pain.

"I had dreams about the beautiful children we'd have together, once we were married. But he didn't want to wait. One night, when I was walking home from my friend's house, he was there, on the street with several men I'd never seen before."

Chills traveled down Bella's spine.

"He called me over, acting as though he was going to introduce me to his friends. But once I reached him, I could smell the alcohol. I tried to leave, but he grabbed me. His friends helped him pull me into an alley, and they took what they wanted. All of them. He laughed about sharing me, about how I'd been ruined as the perfect wife. I could feel their fists, their boots, as they beat me. I was bleeding from a wound on my head, and I could feel myself drifting in and out of consciousness. I knew I was going to die, and I didn't care. It would be over then."

"Carlisle found you like that?"

Rose nodded. "I could hear Esme crying. She remembered the pain of being abused, and she begged Carlisle to help me. He wanted to refuse, but he couldn't."

The tenor of her voice changed. "The next three days were the worst of my life. The fire in my veins was a torture I deserved for being desirable to Royce and his friends. And then, when I realized what I'd become –"

Rose stood, pacing back and forth in front of Bella.

"I was a monster. Yes, I used it to my advantage. I got my revenge on Royce and his friends," she snarled the words. "But I lost the ability to bear children. I lost my dreams."

Bella could imagine the beautiful woman as the deliverer of death and vengeance. But Rose's voice changed as she finished her tale. "I'd have given anything to meet Emmett as a human. We would have had beautiful children and grandchildren, and now that will never happen for us. You'd be giving that up, too. At least think about that when you decide what you want."

After her conversation with Rose, Bella went to the room she shared with Edward. Rose had given her a lot to think about, but she still couldn't imagine leaving his side.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Emmett was playful, challenging Bella to a game of Modern Warfare3 as they chatted. It was clear that he was someone who would be happy no matter where he was. His dimples appeared frequently, as did his friendly smile.

"So you don't mind being a vampire?" she asked, her arms moving as she tried to move her character in the game.

"I love it. The raw power, the strength. If Rosie hadn't saved me from that bear, I'd have been a goner. I woke up to the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, standing over me. Never looked back."

He whooped as he took out a couple of other players.

Bella bit her bottom lip, pondering how to ask the next question. Finally, she sucked in a deep breath. "So, I know Rose doesn't want me to change, but what do you think?"

"I'm all for it, Little Bells," he said as he blew up her character on the screen. "Maybe as a vampire, you'll be able to challenge me."

"Ha ha," she said. "I'll not only beat you at video games, I'll arm wrestle you and show you who's boss."

He roared with laughter, and Bella took the opportunity his distraction provided to blow up his character, beating him.

"And that," she said with a laugh, "is how it's done."

"I demand a rematch," Emmett boomed.

She stood, handing him the remote. "After."

Emmett nodded. "It's on."

He turned off the gaming system and turned on the television.

"Really, Em?" Bella asked as she took in the program he was watching. "_Days of Our Lives_?"

"Don't hate on it, Little Bells. A guy's gotta keep himself occupied."

Alice appeared, taking Bella's hand.

"Let's leave Emmett to his soaps," she said. "We've got more important things to do."

They ended up in the kitchen, Bella sipped on a glass of wine while Alice answered some of her questions. Jasper sat quietly reading at the counter.

Breaking news interrupted the soap opera that Emmett was watching in the living room. He called to the family, and Alice jumped to her feet, escorting Bella into the room.

"This is it," Alice said, looking over at Bella with concern.

The reporter was already interviewing a state police officer.

"The tip hotline received a call from an anonymous individual, stating that they had seen Ms. Swan's car. He gave us directions, and we found the car and verified that it was hers."

The camera showed Edward's car, still sitting in the parking lot at the lake.

"Have you been able to locate Bella Swan?" the reporter asked.

The officer shook his head. "Chief Swan's deputy hiked the trail with a search party earlier today. They found a backpack that we believe belonged to Ms. Swan," he said. "We have some evidence that she may have slipped and fallen from the edge of the cliff."

"If that were the case, what would her chances of survival be?"

"We're not sure. If someone found her, and was helping her, she might be okay."

The reporter looked at the camera, speaking seriously. "Bella's father, Chief of Police in Forks, believes that she is out there, somewhere. He is asking for the public's help."

Recorded footage started, and Bella gasped, covering her mouth with her hand and fighting for composure. Charlie was standing on the cliff.

"She texted me from here, I think," Charlie said to the reporter, his eyes filling with tears. "It was stormy that day. We aren't sure why she was here, and why she decided to come by herself. We aren't giving up the search. I'll find my daughter."

He looked over the edge, at the water below.

"I'm not giving up hope that Bella survived the fall. We won't stop looking."

The camera panned to the rocks at the edge of the cliff, and the reporter's voice stated, "The loose rocks on the edge, and a shoe that the search and rescue dogs found, tell us that she was here." His final words were chilling. "But at this point, it seems that the search will focus on the water below, and the rescue mission will soon become a recovery mission."

Emmett muted the television, and all eyes turned to Bella. She took a deep breath.

"Well, that's it then. Charlie will think I fell in and drown. You're stuck with me."

Alice smirked at her attempt at humor, but Edward stormed out of the room, and a crash sounded at the back of the house.

"He'll be fine," Esme said, patting Bella's shoulder as she passed. "Poor boy has been so torn over what is right."

Alice pulled Bella back to the kitchen, determined to continue the conversation that Emmett's pronouncement had interrupted.

"Will he be okay?" Bella asked.

"He'll be fine," Alice assured. "Now, let me finish telling you about our cousins who live in Denali, and then Jasper can tell you a little of the history of vampires in the southern states."

~X~X~X~X~X~

By day seven, Charlie was distraught as he spoke to the reporter. Renee and Phil were in Seattle now, standing in the background as Charlie explained that the search was being called off, but he and his friends from the reservation would continue to look for Bella. The tip hotlines would remain open for a while longer, and he begged for clues to his daughter's whereabouts.

"If anyone has seen Bella, or has any idea of where she has gone, please contact us," Charlie said. His face was drawn and pale.

Sue reached for his hand, squeezing it gently, and Ed stepped into the shot as it was returning to the reporter. Bella watched as he embraced Charlie, and both men cried.

"We're hurting them so much," Edward said. "You can still go back, you know."

"I can't," Bella responded. "I know where I belong. They're already starting to deal with losing me, and they have each other. But I can't lose you again."

Edward turned off the television, and Bella stood, stretching.

"I'm going to get ready for bed. Will you join me?"

He nodded. "I'll be there in just a minute."

She knew what he was doing. He'd stop in Carlisle's office on the way up the stairs, and they would discuss the situation. It happened each night, and Edward would turn up in the bedroom within an hour, seeming a little more relaxed.

Tonight, Bella had a plan.

She waited under the covers, her nakedness concealed by the comforter. When Edward stepped into the room, she invited him to join her. As he approached the bed, she threw back the blanket.

"Join me in here," she said.

Edward stopped moving.

"You know I can't," he whispered. "It's impossible for me to be that close to you."

Bella smiled. "Well, this is what I want, Edward. And if you aren't willing to be intimate with me while I'm still human, there's something we need to take care of."

"Bella-"

"Stop," she demanded. "It's time, Edward. I've talked to every one of the Cullen's – even Rose. She's the only one who doesn't think I should change to be with you, and I get why, but I don't agree."

"But you don't know-"

"I do," she countered. "Alice has told me everything she remembers about her change, including how painful it was. She told me about watching you as you changed. Carlisle told me how difficult the desire for human blood would be. Esme has told me what it's like to live without the possibility of children. And Emmett explained the strength. I'll want you to hold onto the locket and ring until I get control of it."

Edward hung his head. "I wanted more for you."

"It was you who wanted a lifetime commitment, Edward. Has that changed?"

He shook his head.

"I'm finally willing to make the commitment. It may not be a wedding – yet – but I can't imagine any deeper vow than saying I'll be with you forever. Can you?"

Edward looked like he wanted to argue, but she unhooked the necklace and removed the ring, watching him as she placed it on her left hand. His eyes shot to hers.

"Forever?" he asked.

"Most definitely."

"You'll have to drink blood, Bella. You hate the sight and smell of blood."

"It's a small price to pay to be with you, Edward. I'll do whatever it takes to be with you in every way."

"And you don't mind that we'll never have children?" he asked.

Bella reached for his hand, and pulled him closer to her.

"I've already chosen to be with you, Edward. For the rest of our lives. If I stay human, our time together will be limited, and I'll carry the guilt that you'll end your immortality for my sake. But we can have forever, no limitations. We can be together in every way. Our old dreams aren't possible anymore, but we can create new dreams. I get to choose, and I choose to be like you. Do you trust me to make this decision?"

After a moment, Edward nodded. Then he asked, "What about the pain of transformation?"

"Honestly, I'm not excited about that part, but I'll endure it. Three days, and then forever."

"Forever," he whispered, drawing the sheet over her before he pulled her body back to his.

~X~X~X~X~X~

The Cullen family was gathered at the table. Each of them had heard Bella's announcement the night before, and they were waiting for Carlisle to confirm his willingness to help.

"Are you both sure about this?" Carlisle asked, looking back and forth between them.

Edward laced his fingers with Bella's, squeezing lightly as he nodded.

"Bella has decided to become a Cullen. She wants to be with me for the rest of our existence." He smiled at her, but she could see the concern in his eyes.

"You're going to sit by and let her change, Edward," Rose said with a snarl.

Edward took a deep breath before answering.

"It's her choice, Rose. You've had your say. She knows what she wants, and she knows the consequences. I'm trusting her to make the best choice for herself."

"I want to be like you," Bella told him. "I want to be with you forever."

Carlisle looked solemn. "I've never done this for someone who wasn't dying, Bella. It's not something I'd ever considered before."

"Carlisle, you told me to think about what I wanted. You said I had options. I've talked to each of you. I've watched you this week. I know what I want, and I know what will happen. I've even heard about the pain involved." Her head dropped, and she looked at the table. "It can't compare to the pain of thinking I'd never see Edward again."

Edward pulled her into his lap, kissing the top of her head and muttering, "I'm so sorry."

"I'm ready," Bella announced. "When can we do this?"

"Give me two days," Carlisle said, and when Bella huffed, he explained. "We all need to hunt before this happens and I'll need to request a short leave of absence. Esme will need to prepare the cottage. You'll stay there for the first three months. No humans go there."

Bella nodded. "Thank you."

"We'll do a spa day here. You don't want hairy legs for eternity," Alice said with a smile. "And you'll have to decide if you want your hair this long. It's a bitch to cut it after the change."

Even Rosalie smirked at that.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "It's up to you, but I would also suggest you eat lightly before it's time. Your body will reject everything you've ingested, and it's not a pleasant experience for the person undergoing the change."

Edward cringed, and Bella patted his hand. "It's okay," she said.

Esme spoke up. "We could always go to Alaska. Bella would be isolated, and we wouldn't have to worry about any humans."

"I'd like to stay here, if it's possible," Bella said. "I know it won't be easy, but I feel at home here. I trust you all to keep me out of trouble. And honestly, I'd like to be near my dad, even though I won't be able to see him."

Emmett chuckled. "I'll keep you out of trouble, Little Bells. But I think that Edward will be keeping you company most of the time." He winked, and Edward growled.

Bella smiled widely. "I hope he plans on keeping me occupied. We've been apart too long."

Emmett roared with laughter, and Bella watched as Jasper shook his head, a smirk on his face.

"Welcome to the family," Esme said. "Looks like you can hold your own."

Each family member embraced Bella before they left the room.

"Think about the things you want to do before you change, Bella," Alice advised. "I'll be here when you're ready."

Bella nodded, taking a deep breath as the heavy decision she had made began to weigh on her. She was finally starting to realize the full impact of her choice, but she was still determined.

"You can still change your mind," Carlisle said. "Nothing is set in stone. But once my venom enters your body, you can't go back."

"I know," Bella replied. "Thank you."

Edward led her to the couch and turned on the television. She snuggled into his side and mindlessly watched the show he had turned on.

"Are you really sure?" he whispered.

"Positive. In two days, I'll begin the journey of becoming like you. By this time next week, you'll be stuck with me forever."

He surprised her by leaning down and kissing her lips lightly.

"I trust you, and I can't wait."

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella hadn't known what to expect on the day she was to be changed, but it certainly wasn't this.

Esme had prepared the cottage, and it was lovely. The bed she had prepared for Bella had a white goose-down comforter that they said they would wrap her body in when she shivered through the alterations her body would undergo. The pillows were arranged so that she would be surrounded after Carlisle bit her. They didn't want her rolling onto the floor. Apparently they all felt the fire in her veins was ample pain.

Emmett had volunteered to take Edward a couple of miles from the house until her blood had changed enough to alter the smell. Once Carlisle bit, Edward's newborn urges would overwhelm him, so he couldn't be with her at first, even if it was the thing she wished for most.

Alice had trimmed her hair to the length she desired, and they had waxed her legs and armpits to prepare her body. Her bikini line was in the best shape of her life – and the embarrassment was worth it.

She had dressed in sweat pants and a simple white tee, but Alice had informed her that when she awoke, she'd be wearing the dress that she had bought for her birthday.

"You'll be stunning," Alice said, a knowing glint in her eyes.

"Will everything work out?" Bella asked her, and Alice's smile was answer enough.

"This is the right choice, Bella. Everything will be exactly as it should."

Bella watched as Edward focused on Alice, peeking at the vision in her mind. He smiled, and relief shone in his eyes.

"Thank you," he said, patting Alice's arm. "I needed that."

"I know," she said with a smirk.

Bella got comfortable on the bed, and Edward held her hand as Carlisle explained what he was planning.

"I'm going to bite a couple of arteries, Bella, on your neck and the inside of your arms. Once the venom starts to move, and I know the change is progressing, there's something that Edward asked me to do."

He stopped and looked to Edward.

With a deep breath, Edward explained. "I wanted to be part of your change, so Carlisle and I found a way. I've filled a metal vial with my venom, and Carlisle is going to inject it directly into your heart. He didn't think it would be a good way to start the change, but once it's happening, you won't notice the sharp pain in your chest as much. I hope that's okay with you."

"Thank you," Bella said, tears filling her eyes. "It means the world to me."

Edward leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"I'll be back in a couple of hours."

He looked so worried that Bella reached up and touched his face. "Three days isn't much in the scheme of things, right? I'll get past this, and then we have forever."

He nodded, but looked away.

"I wish there was a way that wouldn't cause you so much pain."

"It's worth it."

Emmett grabbed Edward's arm. "The sooner we head out, the sooner you'll be back to your woman," he quipped, trying to lighten the mood.

"I love you. I'll see you soon," he said.

"I love you, too," Bella said, her heart racing.

Within seconds, the family members had scattered. It was only Carlisle left with Bella.

"Are you sure you're ready?" he asked.

She nodded. "As I'll ever be."

The door opened, and Rosalie walked in, settling herself on the bed next to Bella and taking her hand. Carlisle's eyebrows lifted in question, and Bella muttered, "What are you doing?"

"I may not agree totally with your choice, but I understand it." Her voice was soft, and her eyes were kinder than Bella had ever seen them. "Since I don't react violently to blood, I thought I could be here to help, if that's okay."

Carlisle smiled and Bella nodded. "Thank you, Rose."

Rose shrugged and looked to Carlisle. "Let's get this done."

Hesitantly, he lifted her arm. "This is going to hurt, I'm sorry."

"I'm ready," Bella whispered, closing her eyes and gritting her teeth.

She didn't see Carlisle's teeth approaching her arm, but she felt his nearness, his cool breath on her skin. "I'm sorry," he whispered, before she felt his cold teeth touch her upper arm. With no pressure applied, they slipped into the top layers of flesh, and she gasped, grabbing the blanket to fight the urge to scream.

His jaw tensed, and she felt the teeth slice through the tendons and arteries. The scream that welled up was cut off abruptly as his teeth moved to the side or her neck, slicing through the skin fluidly. The bite marks were burning, and she could feel the fire licking at her veins and into her head.

Carlisle moved to her other side, and repeated the process. She could feel tears rolling down her cheeks, sobs escaping her mouth.

Bella sucked in a breath and tried not to thrash as she screamed and cried.

Gasping, Bella begged for him to stop the pain.

"Please, make it stop," she whimpered.

A cold hand caressed her forehead, attempting to comfort her. Rose's voice penetrated the painful haze.

"It's okay, Bella. You can do this. Edward will be here soon. You're doing this for him, remember?"

Edward.

Her mind grabbed on the thought of him, clinging to it to retain her sanity as she burned.

And then she felt a pressure in her chest - and a new and heavier burning sensation around her heart.

Edward's venom was entering her heart, being pushed to the far reaches of her body.

That thought provided a strange calming sensation to her, even as the burning increased.

"Edward," she cried. "I need Edward."

Somewhere outside of the pain induced madness, she heard a scuffle, felt the weight next to her shift and leave, the cool hand left her forehead. Confusion fought with the will to survive the pain. She writhed and twisted, screaming loudly.

"Edward!"

And then he was there. She couldn't open her eyes to look at him, but she smelled his scent, felt his presence as he sat with her and took her hand.

"I'm here, Bella. I'll never leave you again."

Her body relaxed despite the pain, and she repeated to herself over and over, "Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes."

**A/N**

**And there you have it. There will be a short epilogue, just to wrap it all up.**

**I can't say thank you enough to the ladies who have supported me as I've written this story (and taken a long hiatus). Giselle-lx, GinnyW and Shug – you are awesome. **

**To those who have read this story at any time – Thank you. Your reviews, follows, and favorites have carried me through. When it would have been easy to walk away, you kept me here, and I'm so glad I've finished this tale for you. **

**My years of writing fanfiction have been a pleasure, for the most part. The people I have met have been wonderful, some of them becoming lifetime friends. For that, I am grateful.**

**My stories will remain here, for you, my readers. They were written for you, about characters you loved that came from the mind of Stephenie Meyer. Her characters belong to her, not me. My plots, my words, and my ideas were applied to HER characters, and they belong here, in her fandom.**

**Maybe someday I will create characters of my own for you to love. They will be my own – created, dreamed about, and written about by me.**

**The epilogue should be up in the next week or so. Until then, I bid you a fond farewell. **


	21. Chapter 21 - Epilogue

Epilogue

The sun broke through the clouds, enhancing the warmth of the late March day.

Bella watched the rays as they touched the people who stood nearly half a mile away from where she sat in an ancient pine. She hugged her knees, pulling them closer to her body, her back resting against the rough bark of her perch.

She was careful, not breathing as she watched the assembly.

This was her first trip outside of the forest where she hunted with her new family. It was the first time she'd been allowed to be this close to humans.

But today was special for other reasons.

Her eyes drifted back toward the cemetery, and if tears were possible, they would have been drifting silently down her cheeks as she watched Charlie and Sue. They stood at the marble marker the Masens had put up in December, arms around each other. Charlie's fingers were grasping Sue's arm in desperation.

Sue whispered in his ear, moving her hands to run them through his hair, until with a nod, Charlie released Sue and leaned forward, tracing the letters that had been carved into the stone. A tear rolled down his cheek, and Bella heard him when he said, "I miss you, Bells."

Sue stroked his shoulder lovingly.

Bella was surprised to see Renee, who had been hanging back, step forward. She touched Charlie's other shoulder. "She knows, Charlie."

"I shouldn't have stopped looking for her," he said, a sob breaking through. "She could still be out there, lost and alone."

Phil stepped to Renee's side, and patted Charlie's back. "It's been six months. You've been searching the entire time. You've done everything a father can do."

"What do you know about being a father? Or about Bella for that matter? It will never be enough," Charlie growled.

The hand Phil had placed on Charlie's shoulder dropped suddenly, and his face took on a look of defeat.

Bella's attention was pulled from them when she heard tires crunching on the gravel of the road in the cemetery, and she looked toward the familiar car. As it stopped, Elizabeth stepped out of the passenger side, and Ed came around to help her as she lifted a familiar marble urn out of the vehicle.

They approached Bella's parents, and a low murmur of acknowledgements flowed through the group.

"When will everyone else be here?" Elizabeth asked.

Renee hugged her. "Soon. Jess and Mike had to get the baby ready, and Ben and Angela were just leaving their house when I talked to them. The memorial won't start for another half-hour, but Charlie wanted to give those closest to Bella and Edward a little time first."

Bella felt the branch beneath her move, and soon Edward's arms coiled around her, pulling her close to his side.

"They miss us," she said.

"I know." He pointed at his head. "Your dad is beside himself. He thinks it's his fault that you're gone. If he only knew."

"None of that," Bella said, turning to kiss him. "This is where I'm meant to be, and we both know it."

A tell-tale chuckle from Emmett gave him away.

"I think we all know how much you're enjoying her this way, Eddie Boy," he said.

Edward hissed and glared at Emmett in the next tree. Rose covered her mouth, laughing quietly behind her hand.

Jasper and Alice were in the tree on the other side, and Bella heard the slight giggle that came from that direction. Carlisle and Esme were in the tree behind Bella's, and she smiled when she heard Esme's shushing hiss.

The sound of another car pulling into the drive distracted her, and Bella watched Mike lift a carseat out of the back of the Volvo. She could hear the mewling noises of a content baby, and could see a tiny hand waving in the air above the pink blanket.

They were soon joined by Ben and Angela, who had arrived immediately after Mike and Jessica. Her best friends held hands as they walked to the gravesite together.

Renee saw the group, and moved to join them, cooing at the baby.

"How's our little Sarah Bella?" she asked.

"She's fine now," Jessica said with a smile "We had to go back and change her outfit before we could get out of the driveway. Second time today."

Liz chuckled. "Typical. Nothing like a baby to remind us that we aren't really in control of anything."

Bella smiled. "They're good parents. I knew they would be."

"Are you sorry you can't be close enough to see the baby?"

She shook her head. "I can see her well enough from here. I wouldn't want to do anything that could hurt them."

"Did you hear her name?"

Bella could feel the venom gathering in her eyes again, though she knew it would never form a tear. "I did."

"They will never forget you, Bella."

"I know."

She pointed to where Angela stood. Ben had his arm around her shoulder, keeping her close.

"She hasn't told them, but I can hear it," she said.

"Another baby," Edward said, and she nodded.

"Angela's turn."

"Any regrets about that?" he asked, moving the ring on her finger from side to side.

Bella sighed. "I know I should probably feel sad that we can't have children, Edward, but I never wanted that. I was scared of being married, let alone being in charge of another human being."

A laugh from the group in the cemetery pulled her attention back to them.

"And then she was sprawled out on the ice. Edward tried and tried to help her up, but that only resulted in both of them soaking wet on the ground," Jessica said. "I've never laughed so hard in my life."

"It's true. Edward wouldn't give up on her. He got her back on her skates that night, and helped her around the rink three or four more times before he let her quit." Mike's voice lowered, and he finished his thought, "He never gave up on her. No matter how hard she fought against him, he pushed back, forced her to face her fears."

Liz smiled. "He loved her so much. There's no way he'd ever give up on her. And she never gave up on him, either. Never."

Liz's face turned up, and she scanned the sky, lowering her gaze to the tops of the trees where they sat.

Bella flinched as her eyes passed over them.

"Human eyes can't see us here," Edward assured. "You don't need to worry."

"But it's like she knows we're here."

He shrugged. "In a way she does."

Edward's mother spoke again. "I know he was waiting for her, wherever she went. He would never leave her on her own. And she wanted to be with him, whatever it took."

All of the people who meant most to Bella agreed.

They turned to watch as more cars arrived, and the people they knew started to file in.

Bella was amazed at the number of people who had come to say goodbye. Wes was there, with his wife. So was Brad, along with his fiancé – they'd flown up from Nevada, apparently. Bella and Edward's neighbors came. And a lot of co-workers from both of their firms.

Among the noise of the group, there were a few whispers that she found disturbing.

"I can't believe they are holding a memorial when there's no body," one person said.

"Her dad is a policeman, and they can't find her. That has to be embarrassing."

She looked to Edward, and he rolled his eyes.

"There was no body to find, or he would have," he growled.

Angela's father made his way to the front of the crowd, and the people started to quiet.

He cleared his throat, and began. "We are here today in remembrance of Isabella Marie Swan, our daughter and friend, and the love of her life, Edward Masen."

Bella listened intently as he spoke, hoping his words would soothe her parents.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Bella watched as the workers left the cemetery, a noisy truck pulling a trailer with the tractor they had used to cover the vault.

Her friends - and Edward's - had said goodbye and had gone home. Ed and Elizabeth had finally interred the urn that contained unknown ashes. Charlie had finally given up his search.

And both their families had a place to mourn them now.

When the coast was clear, she leapt out of the tree, landing lightly on the ground below. The rest of her family joined her, and Edward took her hand in his.

"Wait until the sun goes down," he advised. "It won't be much longer."

"Do you think Charlie found the note?" she asked.

Edward shrugged. "Alice said she left it on the seat in his cruiser, as you asked. I doubt he'll find it before tomorrow."

And she had asked. She'd begged with them to allow her to send him just one message.

_You are the best father a person could wish for. Everything is as it should be._

So, with the knowledge that the ties to her human life were truly cut, Bella waited until the shadows were long, and the light in the cemetery was dim. This was the last time she would walk in this place – at least until those she had known here were long buried. The entire Cullen family was leaving for Alaska in the morning.

As she approached the marker that had been placed in her honor, and Edward's, her eyes fixed upon the engraving. The words made her laugh and cry at the same time.

Edward Anthony Masen

And

Isabella Marie Swan

Now They Have Forever

**~L~F~H~**

**Happy New Year! **

**I must apologize for not posting this epilogue sooner. Life, you know? It is un-beta'd, and all mistakes are my own. **

**Thank you to all of those who have read and reviewed. **


End file.
